#FOUR
I'll Be Your Light
Eyes closing and comfortably drowning in a deep slumber, Youngjae’s soft breathings enveloped the late night. It was a late school night, which means Youngjae should be going to bed early. However, not tonight.
The phone that’s lying on top of the nightstand buzzed noisily against the hard wood. Reaching out his hand lazily, Youngjae groaned, disliking the sudden disruption from his sweet dreams. Nonetheless, he answered the call.
“Youngjae…” A familiar voice whispered carefully through the phone.
“Jaebum?” Youngjae rubbed his eyes his his free hand, frowning in discomfort.
“Open the window,” Jaebum said.
“Why?”
“I’m out here.”
Immediately pulling himself up, Youngjae gripped onto the phone, “w-what?”
Jaebum sighed, “just open the window. Come on.”
Youngjae nodded before he removed himself off of his bed, arms reaching out to touch the things near him, acting as his eyes. Since his room was pretty small, Youngjae had no problem reaching towards the window of his room. Outside, Jaebum watched as the curtains being drawn over to one side, revealing his bedheaded blind best friend. Smiling excitedly, Jaebum waited for Youngjae to turn up the latch and open the window. Jaebum quickly climbed up and seated himself safely on the windowsill, zipping his jacket up to the meeting of his neck and jaw.
“Hurry and grab a jacket, it’s cold,” Jaebum ordered.
“What are you doing here?” Youngjae asked curiously. “We have school tomorrow!”
“Sshh.” Jaebum shushed. “You’re too loud. You’ll wake up the whole house.”
“Jaebum-“
“Just go get a jacket. We’re getting ice cream,” Jaebum smiled brightly, despite Youngjae can’t see it.
The blind boy scoffed. “You’re crazy. It’s late and cold outside. What ice cream…”
Mumbling protests under his breath, Youngjae still turned back and walked slowly towards his closet. Jaebum chuckled, he knows how much his best friend likes ice cream, no matter how cold. Youngjae returned with a navy blue long trench coat that Jaebum had gifted him as a Christmas present last year, since then, it has always been Youngjae’s favorite coat. “Why are we doing this in the middle of the night again?” Slipping the warm coat on, Youngjae pouted.
Jaebum reached out and pulled on the lapels of the coat, pulling Youngjae a bit closer. He then proceeded to button it up. “Because I promised.”
“True. But we don’t have to go at this ungodly hour.”
“I’ll probably won’t have any other time, and besides, I was getting bored and couldn’t sleep. So I thought of you.”
“Cheesy,” Youngjae giggled quietly.
“All right,” Jaebum hopped out, holding his balance on the short wooden ladder that’s set underneath him. “I’ll go out first and help you down.”
“Or we could use the front door, but that’s just me,” Youngjae suggested casually.
Jaebum rolled his eyes, “yeah and have our asses caught and beat. I am totally up for that.”
Circling his fingers tightly on his best friend’s wrist, Jaebum pulled Youngjae towards the window’s ledge carefully and slowly at the blind boy’s pace. Youngjae gulped, feeling extremely uneasy, but he trusted Jaebum. He trusts that Jaebum would never let him go and hurt himself.
Of course, Jaebum would always hang onto Youngjae. He stopped for a moment and thought about his plan. This isn’t going to work, Jaebum thought as he bit his lip, pondering over the best way to bring his best friend down without hurting the both of them. Looking down, they were only a couple of feet off the ground; Youngjae’s room wasn’t that high up although being on the second floor. Looking back up at Youngjae, Jaebum exhaled heavily. “Hold on tight, okay? Don’t let go or you’ll die.”
“D-die?? Wh-what are you saying, Jae-“ Youngjae’s words were cut off when he felt a strong arm wrapping around his waist and lifting him up off his feet. Jaebum pulled forwards and Youngjae’s body lightly falls out from the window and into his embrace. Too terrified to say anything, Youngjae automatically grabbed the nearest thing his hands came in contact with, Jaebum’s jacket, and gripped on like his life was depending on it (well, it was). He shuts his eyes and prayed for a safe landing. He’s too young to die like this.
It went away as fast as it came. Soon, the two kids were down on the ground. Youngjae still held onto Jaebum tightly, refusing to let go. Jaebum quirked an eyebrow, “we’re down.”
Slowly lifting his eyelids, Youngjae came to face his best friend. His eyes were glassy, holding in the tears that’s threaten to fall out. His hands stubbornly gripping onto the fabric of Jaebum’s jacket. “I-is it-it o-okay now?”
Jaebum’s lips tugged upwards into a small smile as his hand reached out and feather-touched the corner of Youngjae’s eye. “You can let go now, idiot. I need to put your shoes on.”
Pouting, Youngjae lets go, “you are crazy. And I probably am, too, for agree to something as ridiculous as this.”
“Sit,” Jaebum guided his best friend to sit on the step of the wooden ladder. The boy silently puts on the shoes and securely tying the laces. “Okay, come on.” Jaebum grabbed Youngjae’s wrist, signaling for the blind boy to place his hand on its original spot, Jaebum’s arm.
They walked in silence, listening to the wind kissing softly on the tree branches, making auburn leaves fall without saying goodbye to their lifelong tree friend. Jaebum doesn’t know what time it was. It hasn’t occur to him that he just snuck his best friend out on a school night to get ice cream. What had occurred to him was that he had promised Youngjae and he’ll hate to not be able to keep it. Occasionally, Jaebum would glanced over at the boy walking next to him, counting the times those eyelashes would fold down like lace curtains and swept up again, exposing oceans and oceans of crystalized dark diamonds.
“I have a weird thing for your eyes,” Jaebum suddenly blurted out. Right after, his cheeks flushed in embarrassment and he turned his head away, unable to look at his best friend.
It doesn’t make Jaebum feels any better to hear Youngjae bursted out laughing, “that’s old news!”
“W-w-what?” Jaebum ran a hand through his straightened-out mop of raven hair.
“I don’t have to see to know how much you stare at me, Jaebum-ah.”
“What kind of nonsense is that…” Jaebum lowered his head in shame. Goddammit, why did you have to say that Im Jaebum?!
“It’s okay,” Youngjae said, reassuring his best friend that it isn’t a strange thing. “I would stare at my eyes, too.”
Jaebum just shook his head. He mentally slapped himself for making it somewhat awkward between them now. If only he could have kept his mouth shut and thoughts to himself, then he wouldn’t feel so guilty for being such a creep. What more was he capable of? First, he attempted to kiss his one and only best friend, and now, he'd just possibly ruined his image by admitting his regarding his one and only best friend out-of-the-blue to that one and only best friend. Life truly .
“Yah. Are you still sulking over th-“
“WE’RE HERE.” Jaebum announced loudly. The ice cream man was so shaken that he fell off the chair he was sitting on. Half-bowing as an apology, Jaebum rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. Youngjae chuckled softly, teasing his best friend’s sudden outburst. Jaebum cleared his throat and began ordering as soon as the man was back up on his feet. “Um, can I have a chocolate mint cone and a cup of ramune with dippin’ dots?”
“Of course!” Despite the cold weather and late hour, the ice cream man enthusiastically headed inside his ice cream truck to make the orders. He came out a couple of minutes later with the cone and cup in both of his hands. “Here you go. That will be fifteen hundred won.”
Receiving the ice creams from the man, Jaebum then passed for Youngjae to hold as he reached into his jeans’ pocket. “Five hundred… Thirteen… Fifteen hundred. Thank you,” he handed the money to the ice cream man.
With a kind smile, the man grateful accepted the money and said, “thank you very much. You boys be careful now. It’s late so don’t date for too long.”
Youngjae laughed and Jaebum just sighed, not even going to bother explaining anything. It’s not like this was the first time. They continued walking until the familiar bench appeared in Jaebum’s view. Sitting down, Youngjae handed Jaebum his ice cream, the chocolate mint cone.
“We shouldn’t be eating ice cream in this cold weather,” Youngjae shivered a bit as he scooped a spoonful of his ramune, “what if we catch the cold?”
Jaebum took a long of his creamy chocolate mint. “You say that, yet you’re still shamelessly eating it.”
“You can never go wrong with ice cream, Bummie,” Youngjae smiled happily. “Thank you.”
Nodding, Jaebum let the fact that Youngjae couldn’t see slipped his mind. Once again, a comfortable silence tuned in, playing a usual melody of autumn’s sad love song as the wind swirls and dances around with the fallen leaves. Noticing the way Youngjae was shivering out of the corner of his eye, Jaebum scooted closer to his best friend and wrapped an arm around the said male’s shoulders. Youngjae snuggled in Jaebum’s warmth and continued enjoying his favorite treat.
“Jaebum,” Youngjae called.
“Hmm?”
“Just out of curiosity, but have you ever actually loved any one of your girlfriends?”
The question was so sudden. Jaebum didn’t know what to answer for quite a while. Youngjae waited patiently. off the cream that tainted his lips, Jaebum was deep in thought. “I don’t know. Have I?”
“I don’t think so,” Youngjae said. “You’re always in it for the .”
Jaebum let out a laugh, which wasn’t a reaction that surprised Youngjae. “Maybe you’re not wrong.”
“I’m not. I know you.”
“Maybe you do.”
Youngjae frowned, “stop saying ‘maybe.' You’re no fun.”
“Said the person who still chose to hang out with me,” Jaebum teased.
“That’s because you’re willing to hang out with me.”
“So, you’re saying, if someone else’s willing to be your friend, you’ll throw me away?”
“Yep.”
“Yah,” Jaebum glared, “that’s a bit too harsh, don’t you think?”
Youngjae turned his head and smiled at Jaebum. “No, I don’t think so. You’re heartless anyways. What’s the point?”
Whatever Youngjae was saying didn’t reached Jaebum’s ears, because the bad boy was focused on that tiny baby blue creamy chunk of ice cream that's smearing on top of his best friend’s plum bottom lips. And just like how Jaebum couldn’t stop blurting out before, his thumb touched those lips softly and gently wiped off the ice cream stain. And unknowingly, Jaebum’s heart was beating a million miles per second. He held his breath. What have he done this time?
Youngjae’s expression reads worried. “Jaebum…? What’s wrong?”
Jaebum looked at his best friend, who’s eyes widened as if the latter could actually see and lips slightly pouting. How cruel, Jaebum thought as he traced Youngjae’s soft features with his own eyes. Why are you like this? Jaebum wondered, confused and lost.
“J-Jaebum?” Youngjae was getting anxious. He knows what had just happened. He felt it. But Youngjae didn’t think of it as anything further than a friendly act of kindness. So why isn’t Jaebum saying anything? What’s going on? They’re best friends, right? These kind of stuff like taking care of each other is completely normal, isn’t it? Then why isn’t Jaebum…
“Of course it would be you…” Jaebum finally speaks up, “…who’s oblivious to everything else.”
“What…? I don’t-“ Now, Youngjae is very very very confused. It’s okay, though, since he’s isn’t the only one who’s confused.
“I don’t know either, Jae-ah,” Jaebum sighed. “Why…”
“Why what?”
“Are you done?”
“What?”
“Looks like you’re done. Let’s go.”
“Hey, what-“
“Come on, we got school tomorrow.”
“But-“
“Youngjae.” Jaebum said, voice stern and scary all of a sudden.
The said male sat frozen, afraid to move, “a-are you ma-mad?”
How could Jaebum be mad when Youngjae looked like a kicked puppy with his glassy doe eyes and pouty lips and fingers fidgeting with the ice cream cup. Who could be mad at Youngjae in general? “No, I’m not,” Jaebum sighed, “just… Let’s go, Jae-ah.”
“O-okay,” Youngjae got up from his seat, “I’m sorry…”
“For what?”
“I don’t know…”
“Don’t say sorry if you don’t know what you’re sorry for.”
“Stop it,” Youngjae halted in his steps.
“What?”
“I don’t like you like this.”
Clenching his jaw, Jaebum had no idea why he’s irritated by Youngjae’s statement. “Like what?”
“You’re acting all cool and stuff, like you don’t care…” Youngjae said, barely audible in Jaebum’s ears. “I don’t like it, so stop it.”
Grabbing the cup from Youngjae’s hands, Jaebum threw it and his half-finished cone away into the trash can that's sitting around the corner. He turned to look at his best friend and immediately felt guilty. He’s being too mean. And it’s hurting Youngjae.
“Okay, I’ll stop,” Jaebum nodded.
“You know, I care a lot about you, Jaebum.”
Jaebum wanted to laugh, but instead, he let out a silent scoff and shrugged his shoulders. “I know. I do, too. I care a lot about you, too, Youngjae-ah.”
But right now I’m feeling like for no reason and it’s eating me alive, but at the same time, I’m hurting you and I don’t want to see you hurt because of me. But I’m feeling overwhelmed for some goddamn reason I don’t understand. Youngjae, why are you like this? Why are you suddenly making me feeling this way? Why now, Youngjae? What went wrong, Youngjae? Why am I suddenly… Youngjae, I don’t like this. The person who needs to stop is you, not me.
Jaebum wanted to add, but stopped himself before he could make another stupid mistake again for the third time tonight and fourth time out of the years he had known his best friend.
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