Trigger warning, depression and self-harm, if you don’t like this kind of thing don’t read. This is the first part of my next Hani x reader, pt 2 will be up soon

You were a new idol, you were under SM town, you thought the company was amazing, that it was the best but that all changed once you became a trainee, you saw 3 of your brother figures leave the company (EXO Tao, Kris and Luhan), you wanted to leave but then all your hard work would be for nothing and you knew that.

As you trained day and night, living of no sleep and a lack of food you slowly became more and more depressed, you'd had depression since you were 15, no one knew about your depression and you didn't want them to, if someone found out you would probably be kicked out of the company even after you debuted.

You were at Kcon with your group, You had debuted around 2 years, everyone was still in the dark about your depression, no of the members knew you had it, you were careful and made sure the topic never came up, when you were really down you just passed it off and said you missed home. You had finished your stage for the day and where heading back stage to get refreshments and mingle with other idols outside of your company. You bumped into someone by accident quickly making sure to apologize "I'm sorry I didn't see you there, sorry" you looked up to see Hani from Exid stood in front of you, she was one of your idols, one person you looked up to "No it’s my fault I wasn't looking where I was going, I'm Hani by the way" she stuck her hand out for you to shake so you shook it and smiled slightly "Hi Hani I'm (y/n)". After that day you started to talk to Hani, it was only text messages and phone calls, you were too busy even when you were not having a comeback, you never had any free time but when you did it was a luxury and you immediately went home because you were lucky to have grew up in Seoul.

You were just having a little break; you and the rest of your members had just practiced for 6 hours straight with no break. As you sat down on one of the few chairs in the practice room you grabbed a bottle of water and your phone from your hoodie pocket. You where scrolling through Instagram deciding to post a selca of you and the other members pulling funny faces. As you closed the app your phone began to vibrate in your hand, Hani's face appeared and you immediately answered the call "Hi Heeyeon" you spoke first waiting for her reply, "Hi (y/n) I'm on weekly I’m currently on weekly idol, Coni and Heechul didn't believe me when I said I had your number, I also wanted to call to see what you were doing" Hani replied laughing when she proved Heechul wrong. You treated this like a normal conversation between friends and replied "Oh I'm fine, we are just having a little break from practice oh and tell Heechul Sunbaenim and Defconn Sunbaenim I said hi" you heard laughter over the phone and then heard a male voice “Hello (y/n), how’s practice going I hope you are working hard” you knew the moment you heard the voice that it was Heechul Sunbaenim “Oh we are working very hard Heechul Sunbaenim, practice is going great as usual, I hope Heeyeon is being nice to you” You heard more laughter and Hani whine, you heard Hani speak again but you were interrupted “Come on everyone back to practice” you heard one of your members interrupt “Heeyeon-ah I’m sorry I have to get back to practice, I will talk to you soon” “Bye (y/n) talk to you soon” you put the phone down and got up to continue with practice, you don’t know why but since you met Hani you seemed happier, you still had depression but she was something you could look forward to.

It was a free day and you had just been back home for a few hours, it was only 6pm so you decided to see if Hani was free, You phoned her but she didn’t pick up, you decided to go to her dorm that she shared with Hyojin (LE). You knocked on the door and heard someone grunt “Coming” you knew it was LE by the voice so you waited patiently for her to open the door. “Oh Hi (y/n) what are you doing here” LE asked rubbing her eyes “Oh I’m looking for Heeyeon is she here” “Uhm no she is out with her boyfriend didn’t she tell you” to say you were shocked was an understatement, you couldn’t believe she hadn’t told you. You had grown to love Hani but now you knew she didn’t return those feelings and she only saw you as a friend “Oh... no I didn’t Uhm I’ll just go” you turned around and began walking away, you wouldn’t cry until you got to your own dorm “Do you want me to tell her you came over” LE shouted after you, “No its fine I will call her myself”. You waved goodbye and made your way down the hall, you headed home making sure you didn’t cry until you got into your dorm room and cried, the members came to see what was up but you just said it was nothing and you will tell them when the time is right.

You and the members were reading through the comments on your latest music video, it only came out a few days ago so you decided to watch it and see what it turned out like. As you read through the comments some stood out, is it just me or is (y/n) not the same, has something happened (y/n) doesn’t act the same any more, Why has (y/n) stopped smiling. You couldn’t look at them any more so you excused yourself and walked out of the main room in the dorm, as you opened the door to your room you accidently wacked your arm on the wall, you tried not to cry as you rolled up the sleeve of your top, there were fresh cuts on your wrist from the night before. You walked into the main bathroom and grabbed some bandages from the cabinet re wrapping your wrist.

You hadn’t talked to Hani in months and that affected you more than it seemed to affect her. When you stopped talking to her she would phone you every night but you never answered just watched her face appear when she rang. After 2 months of constant phone calls no more came and you haven’t heard from her since. Your depression became worse and worse until the point you were actually cutting. You made sure to always wear long sleeves or a hoodie so your wrists are always covered.

You were in the practice room with the rest of your members practicing hard, your manager walked in so you all stopped what you were doing. “(y/n) I need to speak to you so come outside, now” your manager well he wasn’t the best, he didn’t treat you right but you thought it came with the job. “Yes sir” you said scurrying out of the practice room and waiting outside. “I’ve heard something of someone, I need you to tell me if it’s true and there shall be consequences either way” You were scared, you knew what he was going to ask you but you didn’t know how he knew no one knew. “(y/n) are you suffering from depression” you thought he actually sounded sincere for once but you were fooled again. “Yes, I am” you looked towards the floor not wanting to show your face. “(y/n) look up at me, right let me tell you this and I’m only going to say this once, get over it, yeah you have depression so what many people have it and cope. Get rid of it or I’ll have to get rid of you” You didn’t want to get kicked out and you knew you couldn’t leave until your contract was over in 3 years.