Ryeowook

“Remember why you started. Don’t give up, find a way.”

A persistent cough.

Never ignore a persistent cough. I learnt that the hard way. Finally, everything made sense. I finally understood why I had been coughing so much, why I had been sick and lethargic for so long now. I understood now that these were all signs and symptoms.

Signs and symptoms to cancer… Lung cancer.

X-rays results revealed that there was a suspicious mass found in my chest and that it had been growing now for a long time. The cancer was found to at the most advanced stage and that it had quietly spread to my bones.

“But I don’t even smoke!”

I remembered almost yelling to the doctor, panicking as the doctor delivered the news of my sickness to me. The doctor gave me an unsettling small smile as he said,

“It happens, Ryeowook-shi.” He quietly and calmly answered, “Do you have any family members that you know of with a history of cancer?”

I swallowed. Yes, I did. In fact, I had a few relatives who had cancer. Some of them made it to this day, some others… Didn’t. But it didn’t make any sense. I was not close with any of them. I rarely met them too! The doctor then went on to explain about how genetics were also factors to causes of cancers.

But by then, I had already shut the world out.

Cancer. Lung cancer. And the worst part? It was already in the last stage. It was even spreading. I stared at myself in the mirror. How was this possible? My daily meals were full of healthy food, I made sure to always eat my vitamins and I was diligent in taking care of my body. I squeezed my eyes shut, hating the fact that it feels like the whole world was crashing down on me.

A knock on my door startled me and I quickly wiped my eyes, opening the door to Kangin grinning widely at me.

“Guess what, magnae!”

I faked a smile, “What’s going on, hyung?”

“SM just called and told me that they found a song for our comeback. Heechul’s heard it and he said that it was really good.” Kangin told Ryeowook excitedly, “Can you believe it? We’re going to have a comeback!”

The smile on my face was still fake.

Was I supposed to tell Kangin the truth? The truth that would hurt him? The truth that would wipe that huge smile off his face, was I able to do that? Was I able to crush his dreams of finally having a comeback? Was I able to crush the dreams of the members who wanted to be reunited on stage again? Was I able to crush the dreams of thousands of fans who wanted to watch us perform on stage again?

No.

I would rather hurt than to hurt others. And so, I faked-smiled a little brighter, weakly pumped my fist into the air and cheered.

I cheered. But deep down, I wished that Kangin could have seen the look in my eyes. If he did, maybe… Maybe, I would finally have someone to share this pain with.

***

It wasn’t that bad.

I thought that it would be worst. For a few weeks now, I had it under control.

The cancer was treatable and under control. The medication the doctor gave me were targeted to stop the growth of the tumour. I took the medication along with the chemo anti-cancer drugs daily and hid the side effects well from my members. Thankfully, we were busy with preparing for comeback with meetings and such that I was easily able to lie to my members. Whenever I was tired or had a headache or didn’t feel like eating, I would just blame it all on the stress of comeback. Members and managers believed that I was fine whenever I told them that for a moment, even I was starting to believe that.

But during mornings, afternoons and nights, during times where I had to swallow down the small pills made me realized that I wasn’t fine and that, I was still fighting this sickness.

And that, I would continue fighting. Because this comeback was happening soon.

The members were excited. The song written and produced for us amazingly fitted well with our image and the hyungs thought that it would be another legendary song. We still in the process of choosing songs and concepts for our album since Eunhyuk and Donghae were still having their D&E tour. They would be back soon and we would start recording and practising the choreography. It worried me but I told myself that I was going to be fine.

I wasn’t going to give up.

I’d fight this off and join the members on stage.

***

Three weeks later.

Donghae.

"Always laugh when you can. It's cheap medicine."

Home sweet home!

After months long of constantly moving all around Asia for the D&E tour, Eunhyuk and I were finally back home to our own dorms! I didn’t think I would miss this apartment this much but I did. Perhaps, it wasn’t the apartment that I missed. It was the members. Being on tour with Eunhyuk was fun of course but it was too quiet most of the times. Without realizing, I had missed the members, each and everyone one of them.

As I stepped through the door, Heechul and Kangin were waiting for me in our apartment and when they saw me, both of them broke into huge grins. Kangin was the first to pull into a manly hug and then Heechul next. Looking at the both of them now… Was it possible that they looked different yet the same? One month without these housemates… I truly missed them. Kangin looked as manly and as handsome ever. He came back from military a changed man. Heechul too, though he was still as crazy as be