"It's not always just the heart. Sometimes your mind breaks as well."

Ryeowook

Have you ever gotten so mad at yourself that you wish you just… Don’t exist? Have you ever felt that you’re suddenly not enough for the things you once were good at? I once thought that I was good at music. I could sing, harmonize well with others and I have a good vocal range. People often compliment on how gentle and sweet my voice sounded and I would always bask in their compliments. Singing was my life.

But then, here I was, in this cold sound booth with my headphones on and listening to my other member’s voices and this kept me wondering why… Why was I here? What was I even doing here when I suddenly had lost it all? My voice, it wasn’t the same as before and I… I cannot sing any more.

 “Wookie, are you okay? Can you sing this part? If you can’t, Kyuhyun can help you with it.” Eunhyuk quickly made his way next to me while I tried to catch my breath as I panicked. “Wookie…”

I snapped out of it, quickly pulling myself together. I can’t waste any more of our time. It was getting late and so, I faked a determined tone and cheered,  “I’ll try again.”

Eunhyuk hesitated before letting me go. I tried again for the third time that day to reach my high notes. Yesung, who was serving for the country was counting on me. I wanted to give ELFs the best damn sets of adlibs. I had to give them something powerful and assuring. I wanted them to know that we were all doing Yesung proud, that we had it under control. But… With my coughs and my vomiting lately, my voice and breathing control had been so so terrible. While I tried going higher, my voice cracked and I groaned in pain as I felt my chest aching. The members stepped forward to me, all of them getting more worried.

“Wookie..” Kangin patted my back. “Maybe you should get some rest.”

“But hyung-”

“Wookie, if it’s too much for you, Kyu can do it.”

They just don’t understand. “Hyung, please let me do this.”

The members didn’t like it but they nodded, giving me another chance. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, concentrating on the breathing techniques I learnt. I wanted to do this, please, please, just let me get through this. It wasn’t only for Yesung, it wasn’t only for the members and ELFs, but it was for myself too. I wanted to prove to myself that I still had it in me. That no sickness was going to take away my talents and dreams, no sickness was ever going to take away what I was born to do.

But I was wrong.

I couldn’t do it. As soon as I reached the highest note, my voice ended up cracking like usual. I grabbed the microphone and looked down, too ashamed to look at my members. I didn’t know how long or how tight I had held onto the mike until I felt a hand gently removing my fingers off the mike. My eyes got blurry with tears as I looked up to Eunhyuk, smiling apologetically at me. His eyes were sparkling too but they were promising and right at that moment, I knew he understood how I felt. Eunhyuk passed me a bottle of water and nodded at me with determination.

“Come on, Wookie. Let’s try this again.”

***

“You’re doing well, Wookie. Keep it up!”

Sungmin gave me a playful wink and I laughed. I felt so grateful and loved. I didn’t think I’ve ever felt like that before. We were supposed to be back by n