Ryeowook

“We might die from medication but we sure killed all the pain.”

It was nice having Donghae and Eunhyuk back home. I was worried about them while they were on tour during the past month. Now that they were back, I felt more relieved. Truthfully, I have been worrying over little things these past few days. Mostly, I would tell myself that it was a personality trait I had acquired from my mother’s genes. But deep down my heavy heart, I knew the ugly truth. All this time, I was just selfish and I was in denial.

I refused to believe the truth.

But the little things I did – Worrying about the members, wanting everyone to be with me all the time, not wanting to be alone, not wanting to leave my parents – proved to me that I was more aware of the truth that I had realized it. Yes, I was worried for my family and friends.

But in truth, I was actually for myself more than them.

I wanted, no, I needed to meet them before anything were to happen to me.

The medications had worked wonders on me for the first few months and I honestly thought I had a chance, I thought that I could fight this monster quietly and strongly. But oh, I was so so wrong. My body started rejecting the medication I received. The doctor said that it was perfectly normal and prescribed me new set of pills which had to be taken daily.

But there was no improvement.

Or the pills had a slower effect.

Either way, my health spiralled back to the way it was before – Weak and fragile. I coughed loudly every night until the members got used to it. I was easily out of breath and I felt like I could die any time soon.

The doctors suggested going for chemotherapy after some time and I really had not much of a choice. I didn’t want to but at the same time, the pain this sickness had brought me was too painful to leave it alone. I wanted to get better. I wanted the pain to stop.  

After my first IV chemotherapy session, I changed my mind.

Maybe I could handle the pain just for a little longer and once the whole sickness takes over my body, I wouldn’t have to feel the pain any longer. I would die and I wouldn’t have to go through ay chemo sessions again because it was excruciating. It was painful, lonely and I hated every minute of it. As the IV was inserted into my veins, I winced and then for the next two hours, I felt nauseous and more exhausted than I have ever been in my life.

After my first session, I swore that I would never go back there again. It hurt, it really hurt and the pain was even worse after the session. I went home and then ended up spending at least half the afternoon away locked in the bathroom, vomiting out my guts. Thankfully, no one was at the dorm and so no one noticed that I was in hell.

Cancer changed my life, cancer changed me but I try not to let the others see it. I put on a fake strong front, smiling to my members and fans, pretending that nothing was wrong with me, pretending that I was absolutely okay and still the same cheerful eternal magnae everyone knew and loved.

I pretended that cancer had not changed my life.

I pretended.

But pretending was nothing because every night I lay awake in bed and wonder when will the pain go away and wonder if I should just end it on my own, end my life on my own. I wasn’t the happy person everyone thought I was. I was weak Ryeowook, I was Ryeowook who had cancer, I was Ryeowook who wanted to give up, I was Ryyeowook, a patient with cancer who… Was not going to make it. I was going to die. Sooner or later. I knew it. I accepted it.

While Eunhyuk and Donghae were touring at Japan, I wanted them to quickly come home and sometimes, I admitted, I even hoped that their concerts would get cancelled for some reason. I just had to see them before anything happened to me. I wanted to know they were fine with my own eyes before I… Before I get bedridden for the rest of my life…Before I…. Before I die. Why did you think I went to their concert? I didn’t even knew that I could make it that far on my own, but I did and just seeing them, so happy and energetic during their concert…. They gave me courage and strength in a way. But was it wrong that I was being so selfish? I just wanted to get to see and be around my members before anything else happened to me.

The doctors said that I still had a chance and they believed that, indeed I would be able to fight off this… this disease a little bit longer. But what were the chances? What were the odds? I believed those cancer survivors who fought the diseases off were meant to stay on earth because they must have been very good people, people who donated all the time, people who smiled and never cursed and loved every single being on earth.

But who was I, Kim Ryeowook, to this earth?

***

“Dinner’s in the kitchen!”

I called out as I heard Kangin and Heechul noisily rushing into the apartment after a day of shooting on set. Kangin smiled upon entering the living room, thanked me and grabbed a towel to have a shower first while Heechul plopped down next to me. He looked through the papers and pointed out a spelling mistake I made for my script in Sukira the next day.

“You went out just now?” Heechul questioned. “I thought you said you didn’t have Sukira today?”

“Went to the hosp-” I paused, catching myself before I spilled everything. “I mean… I went to get some grocery.”

Heechul ran a hand through my hair all of a sudden. “Again? Yah, maybe you should talk to manager hyung about this.”

Oh . He caught it but I acted nonchalant about it, eyes glued to my sukira scripts in front of me.

“It’s fine.”

“Fine?” Heechul grabbed my hands by my wrists and waved it around. “Look at how thin you are!”

“That’s not fair.” I said, pulling