A/N:  Well... First things first. This may need a trigger warning for depression and/or depressive themes related to grief as well as minor character death (no worries, it's not anyone in bts.)  Please enjoy XD

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It’s graduation day. It’s supposed to be the happiest day in Namjoon’s young life. Time to put aside childish ways so he can go to college, take up the mantle of manhood. However, something’s not right and Namjoon can not for the life of him figure out what it is that’s gone wrong.

He glances around the venue, his parents having rented out a party room at a nearby hotel for his graduation party. The graduation itself had already taken place a few hours ago. Now he was surrounded by family and friends, business acquaintances of his father’s and the ladies from his mom’s various activities. He had shaken so many hands he feels like his wrist might be broken. He’s smiled so many smiles he feels like his face is about to crack. Yet these are the norm for his family’s gatherings. It’s something else that isn’t right.

“Dude, you okay?” Namjoon’s friend, Donghyuk asks. In all honesty, ‘friend’ is a bit of an overzealous term. Their dads have worked together forever so they have grown up together but there has always been a bit of a rivalry on Donghyuk’s part. He’s noted the jealous glances when the other boy sees him with his loving dad, the office ‘jokes’ about their warring grades. Yet, at the moment he seems genuinely concerned.  

“Uh, yeah. It’s all good.” he replies, his voice echoing through his own head. A slight sheen of sweat breaks out on his brow and it’s becoming difficult getting a full breath into his lungs.

“You don’t look so good. I think you need to sit down for a moment.” Donghyuk insists, taking Namjoon by the elbow and leading him towards the nearest empty table. Namjoon shuffles along in his grasp but suddenly his knees go weak, the world around him swirling dizzily before going black.

When he reemerges from the darkness he’s surrounded by concerned faces, his father shooing people away. “Just give him space. He’ll be okay.” the older man insists.

Before he can process anything else, a searing pain lances through the heel of his left hand where his soulmate mark is. He cries out in shock and pain, cradling his hand to his chest as he rolls onto his side. Is this it? Has he met his soulmate amongst this crowd? But it’s not supposed to be painful, right?

Tentatively, he brings his left hand to eye level, anticipating bright colors finally filling in the delicate filigree of his birth tattoo. Instead he comes face to face with various shades of greys, black, and white. What does this mean? What does this mean!?

He doesn’t even realize he’s shouting until his dad’s strong arms wrap around him protectively as he murmurs “I don’t know, son. I don’t know but we’ll find out.”

*******

It takes a week for his dad to finally confirm what he already knew deep in his heart. His soulmate had died before they even had a chance to meet. In the late night hours he had done research on deaths across the country and finally found a story about a soulmate who had died of cancer on the day of his graduation. This petite girl seemed to be the missing piece of his own soul and he cried daily for her. He cried for the unfairness of the world around them, the unfairness of never getting the chance at happiness together. He cried and he slept and that was his existence from that day forward. He saw no way out.

*******

Namjoon comes to at the sound of a gentle knock on his bedroom door. “Namjoon-ah, we need to see you in the kitchen.” his dad speaks through the locked door.

“I’m not hungry.” Namjoon replies with a weak voice.

“That’s fine. We still need to talk.” his dad insists, foregoing the fight to get his son to eat. It’s been a losing battle more often than not nowadays and he knows how to pick his battles wisely.

Namjoon huffs. It’s been months since that fateful day that broke him. He’s put off college, he’s put off working. All he does is wallow in his misery, occasionally eating when his parents force him. He hasn’t even showered or brushed his teeth in well over a week. All acts of self-preservation have gone to the wayside.

He can hear his dad on the other side of the door as he contemplates blowing the man off. “I’m serious, Namjoon.” he hears as if his dad can read his mind. After several deep breaths, he forces himself upright from where he had been resting in a heap at the foot of his bed. His head spins and it takes a moment for him to get his equilibrium so he can safely stand. Finally, he shuffles towards the door, unlocking it and inching it open.

His eyes are on his feet as he monotonously asks his dad, “What?” He doesn’t want to look in the man’s eyes. He doesn’t want to see the worry, the disappointment, the ing pity. He can’t stand it and he tries to distance himself from everyone for that one reason alone. Of course, there’s a plethora of other similar reasons as well.

“Come on, son. We need to talk. It’s time for a family meeting.” his dad states, taking his elbow to lead him towards the stairs as if he’s afraid his son would fall down them. Honestly, Namjoon isn’t sure he could make it down them any more on his own. He’s lost too much weight, too much muscle over the last few months.

Finally, they make their way into the kitchen. Namjoon’s mom is sitting at the table. She fidgets with her napkin as she waits for them. A veritable feast has been laid out. All of Namjoon’s favorite food on full display. There’s tears in his mother’s eyes as he sits with a weary sigh. He doesn’t want to see. He hates that he’s the reason for his mother’s pain but he has too much pain of his own to do anything to fix it.

“Son, it’s time to seek counseling.” His father’s voice comes out strong but he can see the slight tremor of his chin as he tries his best to set aside his emotions. “As much as I love your mother and as much as I love you I won’t even pretend that I know the anguish of losing a soulmate. I can’t even fathom the pain you’re going through, son, and I’m so, so sorry. No one deserves to go through that, least of all you. But you can’t keep going on like this. The way you’re going, you’ll end up wasting away and dying and I can’t let that happen. I love you too damn much.” By this time the man had completely given up on trying to hide his emotions, tears streaming freely down his cheeks.

Namjoon has no response to this other than his own flowing tears. He has no fight, no desire, no will of his own. His only choice is to do as his father bade and hope that he can crawl out of this mess. Otherwise he really will die. He can’t make it on his own.

*******

“Time’s up for today, Namjoon.” his therapist states when his hour is up. He’s been seeing her for nine months now. It’s been cathartic talking through his pain and all the dreams that had died along with his soulmate. The antidepressants he’s on have helped immensely as well. Per his therapist’s suggestion he’s been working for six months now at a local convenience store, getting him out of the house five days a week. It’s not what he had envisioned for himself but at least it was a step in the right direction.

“Don’t forget to discuss with your family the goals you’ve set.” the therapist reminds him as he heads towards the door.

“I won’t.” he assures her before stepping through the threshold. His father is in the waiting room and he greets his son with a small smile.

“How’d it go?” he asks just like every week.

“Good. I think it’s time for another family meeting.” Namjoon states only slightly worried about how his parents will take his plans. It’s been a hard nine months if he’s being honest with himself. He’s watched as his friends have all moved on while he’s been stuck in a stasis of misery and pain. He’s watched as his parents handle him with kid gloves, afraid to say too much for fear of hurting him again. Anyone who knew him looks at him with pity, forever sidestepping the elephant in the room. If he’s going to continue to heal, going to find a way to move forward with his life, he needs to leave all the pity and careful treatment behind him. He needs to leave all the pain behind so he can move forward.

The car ride home is quiet, both men contemplative. When they get home the smell of dinner is mouthwatering and they both head to the kitchen. “Just in time.” Namjoon’s mother says with a careful smile. “Come, sit.” She leads Namjoon to the table, only lowering herself into her own chair once he’s situated.

Namjoon closes his eyes, steeling himself for what he has to say as his mom fills his plate. “Dad, mom,” he begins, voice barely above a whisper. “It’s time for me to start college, start moving forward again.”

“I see.” his dad states, tasting the words on his tongue, digesting the information. “Well, that’s good, right?” His smile is a little less guarded than usual.

“Yes, it is good.” Namjoon concedes carefully. “I’m going to go to school at your alma mater… in America.”  

“What!? Why?” his mother asks with a shaky voice. She met her husband at the University of Colorado and has nothing but fond memories but she never dreamed she’d lose her son to another continent.

“I-I need to move forward and I can’t do that here.” Namjoon explains, an apology evident in his voice. “You two have been so good to me and I thank you with all my heart. Even so, I need to leave the pain behind and I need to leave all the careful words and actions behind. It’s time for me to move on but I can’t do that here. My therapist agrees with me.”

He looks back and forth between his parents with bated breath. Would they listen to him? Would they understand? His mom looks heartbroken, like she wants to resist just for the principle of the matter, but his dad seems to be seriously considering his words.

“What about your medication? And finding another therapist?” his dad asks but he can tell it’s an open minded question. He just wants to be sure that his son has considered everything and will truly be ready to move on when the time is right.

“I’ve already looked into it.” Namjoon reassures. “The school has therapists as well as therapists in town and the medication is available in the States and I’ll be able to get it through the school.”

“Seems like you’ve put a lot of thought into this already.” his father says, nodding approvingly.

“I have. I’ve already been accepted too.” Namjoon searches his dad’s face, optimism in his own heart for the first time in forever.

“Well.” his dad sighs deeply. “We’ll support you in whatever you think is best for you, son.” He claps Namjoon on the shoulder before digging into his dinner. Namjoon smiles. He really is thankful for having such wonderful, loving parents.

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A/N:  Honestly speaking, this was very hard to write as I have my own personal struggles with depression. I think that's why it ended up being so short but it gets Namjoon where I need him for my upcoming fic... which I'm trying to decide if I'll start tomorrow 'on schedule' or if I'll finish Yoonmin's individual stories first and count that towards my daily NaNoWriMo writing count. I guess we'll see which way the wind blows me when I get there. Thanks for reading. I love comments, and upvotes as well as any subscribers. <3