5 of 5 for today...

I lie on my back, looking up at the pale blue expanse hanging over me as the sun arcs through the sky. Eventually, day is decimated by night only to give birth to a new day like a phoenix rising from the ashes. Wait, what? I shake my head, trying to shake the errant thought from my mind. My mind is trying to tell me those strange words were a ‘memory’ but I don’t think I’m ready for such things. I’ve come to realize that remembering all that I lost while in my current broken state would ruin me.

My leg twitches involuntarily, breaking me from my disturbing thoughts. I have no idea how long I’ve laid here but it seems that my body has decided it’s time to move once again. The elastic rope deep within me that connects me to something, somewhere, someone has become taut and is once again pulling me forward.

I lumber to my feet, my stiff joints protesting, deep in my chest. Once again I come face to face with the gas station on the edge of this new city. Nothing moves as I assess my surroundings. There’s no sign of the beings from the day before. There are no other wandering bodies either. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad… Good or bad? Is that thought another one of those memories? That doesn’t seem right but it’s not nothing either.

As I ponder these things I notice that my feet are once again marching along all on their own. In a way it’s kinda nice not to have to worry about where I’m going. I can’t get lost that way.

I look up from my feet, trying to distract myself from all the confusing thoughts with the sight of my surroundings but I just find more of the same homes and stores and cars and trees as every other town I’ve passed through. I feel like I’m walking in a hamster wheel. Are these town new and different places or am I walking through the same damn town every time?

I have trust in this pull though so I refuse to get mad or frustrated. I have to be going somewhere with a purpose, right? There has to be something at the end of this desire. I have to believe in this drive because somewhere deep down inside I know it’s never steered me wrong.

So I continue forward, feeling a drive to see this through to the end. I used to have a strong drive, somehow I just know this. I used to have a strong drive and I’m feeling driven right now. How is this possible? I think there are more of these ‘feelings’ swirling just beneath the surface as well. They tickle along my senses like colored smoke curling and swirling and trying to find a gap into my airtight mind. Except my mind isn’t quite so airtight any longer.

Something warm has begun to blossom in my chest. It seems to be some form of lump that is emanating a soft, gentle glow that heats me even though I can’t feel it with my hand when I raise it to my chest to in search of the warmth.

My mind searches to try to label this warmth but I’m not ready so I shut my mind down, gritting my teeth with the effort.