4 of 5

The day feels never ending as I trudge along; the monotony of it all washing over me, erasing the finer details around me. I wonder how far I’ve come and how much farther my feet will continue to carry me. The large city I awoke in is long gone yet, between large stretches of open space, tall grass and small lakes, are smaller cities. They are just as quiet, just as desolate. It’s a never ending loop that plays along my periphery as the mountain range slowly roams closer to me.

Somehow, it has become easier to think now. Words come to me more easily but the content of my mind is still dark. After all, I’m still alone, left behind perhaps. I’m still broken. I’m still empty. Remembering the terms for ‘car’ and ‘house’ and ‘store’ doesn’t change who I’ve become. If anything, it just accentuates how very much of me I’ve lost.

A small flutter of white catches the corner of my eye as I watch my feet move ever forward. My curiosity is momentarily peaked but I easily brush it aside. It doesn’t matter. Whatever it is is a part of a world I don’t belong to. But the fluttering invades my sight once again, finally coming to a standstill on the front of my shirt as I continue to look down. It takes a moment for the word to settle in place, clambering over all the other jostled information in my head but, finally I can identify the small, white winged creature clinging to me. It’s a… a butterfly.

A door in a hidden corner of my brain opens just a crack, a waft of awe like a gentle breeze seeps into my consciousness. It may have morphed into something even more, but something is battling that awe in my mind. I can feel it; like hands batting away smoke to try to clear the air. The butterfly is oblivious of my internal battle. It lets go of me, fluttering around my body, my head, and landing on my shoulder. If I could smile I would. This hitchhiking little traveler is making me feel not quite so alone, not quite so broken.    

My attention shifts as I hear bells nearby, clanging against glass. I have wandered from the fields of wild grass to the edge of yet another town. In front of me is a short building made of concrete block with a red roof. Words spring to my mind, ‘gas station’ and ‘convenience store’ labeling what is in front of me. My feet continue moving, the store placed along my path an easy obstacle to sidestep. However, the sound of the bells have garnered the attention of the other bodies around me and they begin to head in the same direction as me.

I only notice the other bodies when their path aligns with mine such as now. Normally, they aren’t even worth my attention. They seem to be empty vessels, even more so than myself, so why should I even bother to notice them? However, now that they are walking my path, I don’t like it. I don’t know why. They are harmless. Whether or not they tag along means nothing to me. But, I still don’t like it. Something tells me they won’t be welcome wherever I end up.

“. I told you not to use the front door.” a voice hisses and immediately I’m knocked out of my reverie. Three bodies have raced around the corner of the little store. There are straps over their shoulders, ‘backpacks’ my mind supplies, and weapons clutched tight in their fists. More words flood my consciousness; ‘fear,’ ‘danger,’ ‘run,’ but I don’t have a clear understanding of the words or their meaning.

The bodies around me continue moving forward as my own feet become rooted to the spot. Another hidden door in my mind cracks open, something slithery and slimy oozing out of it; ‘dread.’ I can’t help but look to my butterfly friend, still sitting on my shoulder. It seems content even now.

BANG!

The body to my left falls, a heavy thump the only sound after the ricocheting gunshot.

BANG! BANG!

More bodies fall, a single, sluggishly leaking hole to the head and sightless eyes glazed and empty. Before I can take in what’s happening, comprehend the significance of these details, I feel myself fall back as well. My back hits the solid, dirt packed ground, a cloud of dust billowing around me.

What just happened? Am I finally dead? The sky above me is a crystal clear blue, not a cloud in sight. A breeze ruffles the tall grass I had been wandering through just moments ago. The pull to move forward is absent for the first time since I awoke and I feel completely lost without it. But, at least I can finally stop moving. Maybe, if I can close my eyes, I can finally just cease to exist.