19

“Will you please stay still?”

“It’s kind of hard to when it literally feels like there’s a fire burning on my face.”

“That’s your fault for not taking care of this sooner.”

“I’ve been a little preoccupied.”

“Clearly.”

I hissed and shied away again when Hannah pressed the cotton pad against a particularly nasty cut on my neck. She huffed in frustration and tried again, giving up when I swatted her hands away.

“It’s going to get infected,” she said, screwing open a bottle of ointment.

“It won’t. I have enough experience to know assure you that it most likely won’t,” I said, allowing her to slather the wounds on my face and neck.

“That’s not a good thing,” Hannah muttered, pressing her lips together in an angry line.

“It’s fine,” I sighed, leaning away from her. “Just another six months.” Hannah packed everything back into the first aid kit and helped me up, steadying me when my bruised ankle gave out under me.

“You have to report this,” Hannah said, voice deceptively calm. Her grip on my arm tightened on my arm and winced. “I’m only holding back because you asked me to.”

“There’s no way I can report this,” I laughed mirthlessly. “They hold way too much influence. The police aren’t going to do anything.”

After helping me to the basement, Hannah locked the door securely behind us and took a seat next to me, devoid of humor. “You never told me what happened that day Bang PD-nim called you to his office.” I immediately deflated and tried to avoid her eyes but Hannah adamant and refused to let me escape. “It’s been a week already. You promised to keep me informed.” I sighed and relented.

“I have to break up with Jungkook,” I began. Hannah immediately opened to say something, but I stopped her. If knew that if I stopped now, I wouldn’t be able to continue. “Your mom threatened to cut ties with the company if Jungkook and I continued to date.” Hannah lept up in outrage and whipped out her phone, already beginning to dial her mom’s number.

“Why would she do that?” Hannah growled, glaring at me when I swiped the phone out of her hand before she could press ‘call.’ “She doesn’t even care.”

“My guess is that Mrs. Lee had something to do with it,” I said, dropping my head into my hands as the anguish I fought to put aside came rushing back.

“Does Jungkook know about it?” Hannah asked forlornly, running her fingers through my hair in an attempt to comfort me.

“Bang PD-nim told me not to tell him,” I replied, leaning my head onto Hannah’s shoulder. “He said that Jungkook needed to focus on his tour. I have to tell him when the band gets back in June.”

“How’s that going for you?” Hannah asked. Images of Jungkook’s smiling face flashed through my mind and I broke, quiet tears running down my face and soaking into Hannah’s blouse.

“How can it possibly go well?” I whispered, guilt eating away at my heart. “I can’t break him. I’d be willing to suffer alone, but his career is going to suffer unless I break his heart.” I closed my eyes and let out a shuddering exhale, Jungkook’s words replaying in my mind.

I can’t wait ‘til we back so I can see you. I miss you so much. I love you.

Hannah wrapped her arms around me, muttering reassurances that rung through my ears like empty promises, occasionally wiping my tears and brushing my hair out of my face.

“Let’s worry about that later,” Hannah said. “You still have two weeks until he gets back. We can figure things out until then.” I just nodded, her words going in one ear and out the other.

I love you Jungkook. I have to do this.

***

The blinding blue light of the cellphone was the only source of light the dark room. Next to me, Hannah mumbled in her sleep and turned her body away from the light. Squinting my eyes against the bright glare, I scrolled. Time seemed to stop as words washed over my eyes. I might have been sitting there only for a few minutes, but it might have been hours.

Go back to America. You don’t even deserve to look at him.
Why is he even dating someone like you?
You deserve to die. Do us all a favor and kill yourself.

Some had cut me out of the picture, tossing the scraps into a fire. Other pictures were slashed with knife marks. There were even some soaked in red liquid.

Jungkook shouldn’t have to see this.

***

A package arrived a few days later, specifically addressed to me. No sender or return address. I already had an inkling of what was inside, but that didn’t stop me from opening it. Hannah wasn’t around to talk me out of it and I was somehow thankful. A layer of tissue covered the contents of the box and I reach under it looking for a hint as to what was inside. A sharp pain imbedded itself in my palm and I drew my hand back, staring at the little pinpricks of blood. Lifting the tissue out of the way, I got my answer. Piles of tacks littered the bottom of box, cushioning pocket knives with dried blood on the blades. Innocent looking notes unfolded themselves to reveal the same hateful messages in neat scrawls. A picture revealed Jungkook smiling, though the other half of the picture was burned off and specks of dried blood splattered the corners.

Stay away from Jungkook.

The message was loud and clear.

***

The day of the band’s return left me empty and plagued by apprehension rather than the excitement that I had imagined myself feeling only a month ago. As soon as the doors of the Big Hit building opened, I sprung onto my feet and no less that a second later, I was enveloped in a crushing hug, leaving me out of breath.

“Tae,” I gasped, ruffling his bright red locks, a smile forced onto my face. “How are you?”

“A little tired, but never better,” Taehyung replied, his bright grin lightening up my somber mood.

“Michelle,” the other members chirped, each giving me a hug, Seokjin’s lingering a little longer. A small frown graced his face as he studied my features. Feeling his suspicious gaze, I fidgeted uncomfortably and turned to the other members.

Something’s wrong.

My gaze swept through the boys and there were only six people. “Where’s Jungkook?” I asked, already dreading the answer.

“Bang PD-nim called him into his office,” Namjoon replied. “He should be out soon.” Namjoon looked as if he had a faint idea of what was going on, but he held his tongue.

“Don’t we still have to unpack everything at the dorm?” Jimin asked, cutting into the silence. A realization struck at the boys and I laughed at their dazed states.

“I’ll catch up with you guys later,” I laughed, shooing them away. “Go get some rest. Jetlag must be killing you guys right now.”

“Can’t argue with that,” Hoseok smiled and the boys piled back into the van, calling and waving through the windows as it pulled away. Collapsing into a nearby seat, I waited, numerous scenarios playing through my mind, none of them pleasant.

Bang PD must be telling Jungkook right now.

The door swung open and before I had a chance to react, he grabbed my hand tugged me into an empty conference room. The door barely had enough time to shut before his arms were around me and his lips glued on mine.

We can’t do this anymore. Please don’t make it any harder.

“Kookie,” I whispered, pulling away and cradling his hand between my palms. My words faltered in my throat as I stared at him. Tears were cascading down his cheeks and falling onto my palms. Gently wiping them away, I leaned my forehead against his. “Don’t cry Kookie. Please don’t cry.”

“H-He said that we have to break up,” Jungkook gasped, wounding his arms even tighter around my waist. “D-Don’t do it. I-” His voice broke and he buried his head into my neck, shoulders quivering as he tried to hold back his tears. My hands fisted unwillingly into his shirt and my own tears threatened to spill out.

“Jungkook look at me,” I said, pushing him back until we were face to face. My heart squeezed painfully in my chest as I took in his red-rimmed eyes and soft hiccups. “Y-You have to be strong. It’s for the better.”

“Y-You promised you wouldn’t leave me,” he said and my walls collapsed. My sobs were muffled as he pulled me as close as he could running his hands soothingly along my back. “We’ll figure this out. I’m not giving up on you. I don’t think I’ll make it if you leave me.”

“Jungkook,” I groaned, slapping his shoulder. “You can’t just say things like that. It’s not fair.” His laugh, although unsteady, made me relax, his smile driving the worst of my fears away. He placed the softest of kisses on my lips and the guilt once again trapped me in its ugly grasp.

“We can’t be doing this any-” I began, but was interrupted by another kiss. “Jeon Jungkook.” I couldn’t help but laugh despite the situation and through the tears in my eyes. Jungkook’s eyes softened and he giggled with me. His bunny smile instantly dispelled any guilt I was feeling and I let myself forget, just for now. I gave him one more kiss and wrenched myself out of his arms, leaving him to chase me around the room.

“Michelle come back,” he laughed as chased me around the table. “Take responsibility, you ruined my shirt.” I glanced at his shirt and laughed at the wet splotches that my tears left.

“Oh stop whining you big baby,” I scoffed, dodging his hand as he tried to grab me. “It’s just a white shirt. You have like twenty more.”

“Whatever,” he pouted and stomped his foot childishly.

“Did you seriously stomp your foot?” I snickered disbelievingly. “You’re such a child. I should start calling you baby.” To my amused chagrin, Jungkook grabbed my hand while I was caught off guard and crushed me against his chest, leaving me no choice but to wrap my arms around his neck.

“I’d be fine with that,” he laughed, raising his eyebrows teasingly. I sighed and wrapped him in a hug, wishing that I’d never have to let go.

How can I give this up? 

***

By the time Jungkook dragged me into the dorm, despite my insistent protests, the boys were already gathered in a circle around the living room playing rock, paper, scissors.

“What are you guys deciding this time?” I asked as Jungkook and I wedged ourselves into the circle.

“We're deciding on who gets to shower first,” Jimin grinned, his fatigue visibly dragging his eyelids down.

“What's the status so far?” I continued, my smile becoming a little less forced as I took in the boys’ smiling faces. None of their smiles quite reached their eyes but exhaustion was clearly plaguing all of them so my worries chalked up to nothing.

“So far, it's Taehyung, Jimin, Namjoon, Yoongi-hyung, me, Seokjin-hyung, then Jungkook,” Hoseok announced, grinning devilishly when Jungkook squawked in outrage.

“I didn't even get a fair chance to play,” Jungkook whined. No mention of Jungkook’s meeting with Bang PD was uttered and I frowned in confusion.

“You guys have your fun,” Seokjin laughed, standing up and smoothing the wrinkles out of his shirt. “I’m going to make dinner. It’s kimchi jjigae because I’m too lazy to make anything else.” Taehyung and Jimin’s whines were ignored as Seokjin made his way over to the kitchen.

“I’ll help,” I chimed in getting up to join Seokjin. Jungkook shot me a quick smile before turning to argue with Hoseok about how he was the maknae and he deserved to shower first.

“You really don’t have to help,” Seokjin said, but nevertheless handing me a few vegetables to chop.

“Seokjin, we’ve been over this. I want to help,” I laughed as he sighed in defeat. “Well, if you’re really that bummed, you can chop the onions.”

“Why am I not surprised?” Seokjin said as he shook his head, taking the onions out of my hands. “In all seriousness, how are you and Jungkook doing?” The mood suddenly turned somber and I was reminded of Jungkook’s tears.

“As well as we can do,” I muttered, wishing I was chopping the onions instead so that I had an excuse to cry.

“Bang PD-nim told us what happened,” Seokjin continued, seeming unperturbed by the situation. “Are you going to break up with Jungkook?”

“I don’t want to, but I feel like I am obligated too,” I said, taking my frustration out on the tofu which lay in little cubes on the cutting board.

“And why is that?” Seokjin as in the same mild one despite the hint of steel that crept into his voice.

“He has come so far and already accomplished so much. I wouldn’t want him to throw that all away because of our relationship. His heart will recover over time, but his success might leave him forever,” I replied. “Putting his career in jeopardy would also affect the rest of the band negatively, and I’d hate to be the cause of it.” Seokjin simply hummed, neither in agreement nor disagreement after my little speech.

“He might not seem like it, but Jungkook is very sensitive. He entered the industry when he was only fifteen so he never had much social interaction outside of the band. This is his first real relationship after all,” Seokjin said, casting a glance at me as he gave the ingredients one final stir. “Whatever you decide to do, I hope you keep Jungkook’s best interests at heart.” And with that, Seokjin smiled and carried the food back to the living room where he was greeted with a cacophony of cheers.

Why does it feel like he was threatening me?

Dinner went without a hitch, everyone talking amongst themselves with smiles on their faces. I felt something squeeze my hand and I looked down to see my hand clasped in Jungkook’s.

“Are you okay?” Jungkook whispered, tucking a few loose strands of hair behind my ear.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I replied, far from feeling fine. “I just have a lot on my mind.” Jungkook, already knowing what was on my mind, smiled and softly pecked my cheek.

“Don’t worry too much,” he whispered into my ear. I tried to push the warm sensation rising in my body away. “We’ll work through it together. You’re not alone.”

“I know Jungkookie,” I smiled, riffling his hair. “You’ll always be by my side.” Jungkook hummed in agreement and returned to Jimin who was clamoring for his attention.

Can I do the same for you?

Taehyung didn’t miss our little exchange and smiled as if he was in pain. “Do what you think is right Michelle. As one of your self-proclaimed best friends, I‘ll always support you.”

“Thank you Tae. You don’t know how much that means to me,” I whispered. Taehyung grinned his box grin and I shoved a piece of meat into his mouth to show my gratitude. Narrowly avoiding choking on the meat, he gave me a light shove and bumped his shoulder against mine as if saying, “Everything will work out.”

I hope so Taehyung.

After the dishes were piled in the sink, most of the boys trooped back into their rooms to do some last minute unpacking, leaving Namjoon and Hoseok to help Seokjin with the dishes, though Namjoon was doing more harm than good. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Yoongi staring at me and as we made eye contact, with a jerk of his head, he beckoned me into his shared room with Seokjin. Shutting the door soundly behind me, I turned to face him my eyebrows raised in curiosity.

“You’re not planning to murder me and stuff me into your mattress are you?” I laughed in a feeble attempt to lighten the mood. He didn’t even crack a smile.

“You flinched when Taehyung hugged you,” Yoongi began and my smile immediately dropped. “Why?”

I should have known he would’ve noticed.

“I was just surprised,” I said, hoping to lie my way out of the situation. “Not everyone runs up hugging people like Taehyung does.”

“There are faint bruises on your neck. Your shirt only partially covers them. I’m guessing there are bruises on your ribcage too,” Yoongi deadpanned, eyes narrowing as I tried to surreptitiously pull my shirt up. “Seokjin-hyung noticed too and trust me, you do not want to deal with him in these kinds of situations.”

“I just injured myself. Hannah and I went to a skating rink and I wasn’t careful,” I said in a last attempt to deter Yoongi. He just sighed and shook his head.

“There’s almost no way you could have injured yourself that badly because you know how to skate. Don’t ask me how I know that because you took Jungkook skating when we went to Lotte World,” Yoongi fired, making me snap my mouth shut. “I didn’t want to pry at first, but Seokjin-hyung refused to just let it go. Please Michelle, we’re all worried about you.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, making Yoongi sign in frustration and roughly muss his hair.

“Jungkook nearly cried himself to sleep when he saw what was happening on Twitter. He hated himself for not being able to do anything. Taehyung was always sensitive and seeing Jungkook cry on top of reading all those messages, it wasn’t a surprise when he started crying too,” Yoongi said, rubbing his eyes tiredly as he leaned against the bedpost. “Jimin and Hoseok joined soon after. We just felt so helpless and it was even worse because we all understood how difficult it was to go through something like this. Just please, let us help.”

“B-But, you all seemed fine just earlier,” I stuttered, guilt and hatred creating a storm inside me.

It’s not just Jungkook. It’s the rest of the boys too.

“Hiding behind a smile is not as hard as it seems. We’ve survived in this industry long enough to master the skill,” Yoongi explained, his matter-of-fact tone driving a knife into my heart. “You’ve avoided my question long enough Michelle.”

“It was my family,” I muttered, a bitter taste flooding my mouth as I was forced to put a label on the Lees. “More specifically, my sister’s boyfriend.” Yoongi’s jaw clenched and I braced myself for his reprisal, my eyes squeezing shut in irrational fear.

“How long has this been going on?” Yoongi growled, his voice sending shivers down my spine. I remained silent, an unknown force preventing my lips from parting with an answer. “How long Michelle?” Yoongi was nearly shouting now and I backed away in fear, eyeing Yoongi’s clenched fists.

I know it’s my fault, I’m the one that’s wrong. Please, just don’t hurt me.

“Since the beginning of the year,” I rushed, hoping that Yoongi didn’t catch it.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Yoongi whispered, reaching his hand out. He faltered and retracted it before it touched me.

“I-I was scared,” I said, my knees suddenly feeling weak. “I was already a burden and I could have handled this.” Yoongi’s stare was harsh and judging, eyes seeming to fill with disgust as he appraised me. The room suddenly felt suffocating, the air closing around my throat.

I have to get out.

Before Yoongi could say anything, I whipped around and pulled the door open, only to freeze when six boys tumbled in, their expressions mirroring my shock and horror.

“Michelle,” Namjoon said, offering a weak smile. All I saw was disgust and disappointment. Without a second thought, I was out the door, the warm summer air freezing my skin as I ran.

~

This chapter was all over the place but hey, I'm pretty proud of myself for updating twice this week. It's probably because of all the Rice Krispies I ate but whatever, I still managed to hammer another chapter out of my sleep-deprived brain. How am I still sleep-deprived even though I've been waking up at around noon every day? The story will be drawing to an end soon enough. There's most likely less than 10 chapters to go. Enjoy.