18

Jungkook’s worried followed me as he packed, shoving his clothes haphazardly into a large canvas bag. As Jungkook tossed another crumpled shirt into the bag, I sighed and pulled it out, folding it, and placing it back in. I grimaced slightly, turning away from Jungkook, when I brushed my leg against his desk.

“Are you sure you’re not coming with us?” Jungkook asked, shoving the last piece of clothing in and zipping the bag. “We’ll be back in June so it’s only one month.” I smiled weakly and shook my head, holding back a wince as I moved toward him.

“Like what you said, it’s only a month Jungkook, you’ll be back before you know it,” I said, ruffling his hair. “We can Skype and text. It won’t be too bad.”

“I still want you to be with me in person though,” Jungkook pouted, leaning his head onto my shoulder. “Especially with everything that’s going on.”

“I’ll be alright Jungkook. I’m more worried about you,” I said, tangling his hair into my fingers.

“I’m just worried,” Jungkook sighed, taking my hand into his. “The fans are still suspicious and any wrong move will set them off.”

“The majority of them will only spread hate online,” I said, trying to convince myself as well as Jungkook. “Words won’t affect me if I don’t see them.”

“We have more sasaeng fans than we’d like to admit. I’m just scared they’ll do something drastic and hurt you,” Jungkook replied.

Just as I was about to reassure him again, Mr. Choi popped in and I let out a sigh.

“Jungkook, it’s time to leave. Did you finish packing yet?” he asked, the members’ passports clutched in his hand.

“Yeah,” Jungkook said with a sigh, shouldering his bag. He followed after Mr. Choi, casting one last glance back at me. I waved and smiled reassuringly, but it might have been a grimace. “I’ll call you.”

“I know,” I said, shooing him away with a wave. The door shut and the chattering voices of the boys faded away, drowning the dorm in silence. Resisting the urge to scroll through the poison on Twitter, I left the empty dorm, a sense of loss already flooding my heart. A chill breeze still blew through the air despite the balmy weather of May. The cab ride back to the Lees house was silent and so was the house when I let myself in. Kicking off my shoes, I immediately locked myself in the bathroom. The layers of concealer felt like layers of slime over my skin and I began to wipe it off, wincing every time my fingers pressed into a tender patch of skin.

Crumpled cotton pads and toilet paper balls littered the sink, all stained with the same creamy brown, some with little streaks of scarlet. Sweeping them away, I ran my hands under the tap, the water tinted as it flowed past my hands. Warily, I raised my eyes to the mirror, grimacing when I saw the uneven patches purple and blue. Bruises blossomed like flowers around my eyes and scattered like stars along my jaw. I smeared my finger with ointment and pressed gently at the cuts on my lip and cheeks, breathing deeply to dispel the pain. After doing the same to the wounds across my ribs, I erased all evidence of my presence slunk out of the bathroom, keeping my shirt gingerly away from the cuts.

My body froze as I stared at the door, apprehension turning into fear as the unmistakeable sound of a lock clicking echoed through the house. My limbs turned to stone as the door swung open, revealing Alex, who was whistling cheerfully as he scrolled through his phone. I immediately knew something was wrong when he saw me, but instead of sneering, he broke out into a grin.

“Michelle, how’s it going? I see my work from yesterday has stayed nicely on your face,” he said cheerily, making his way over to me. My confusion grew as I backed away, offering no reply to his rhetorical question. Suddenly his expression hardened into one of fury, though an undertone of amusement still laced his features. “Answer me when I ask you a question.”

I opened my mouth to speak, but he cut me off again with a chuckle. “Well, it doesn’t really matter. You won’t do be doing too well anyway after I tell you the great news.” Alex laughed again and I felt my hands break out in cold sweat, sticking to my skin and making me shiver. “Ashley is such a good person, you know. She was too nice to give you what you really deserved.” Alex’s lip curled into a leer and he held up the phone in his hand. My eyes widened in horror when I realized that it was Ashley’s phone not his.

“What did you do?” I asked, fists clenching as my words struggled to escape my throat.

“Oh, not much,” he said nonchalantly, waving the phone mockingly in front of me. “Turns out, Ashley took a lot more pictures of you and your little boyfriend, but she was just too nice to share them. I did her a favor and shared them for her.”

My blood froze in my veins and the crumbling foundation of my heart completely collapsed, letting the rush of fear, anxiety, and helplessness escape, taking over my mind. My knees nearly buckled. Only my pride and will kept me standing though I want nothing more than to just curl up into a little ball.

“No one’s going to believe it. They think that the first picture was photoshopped. They’ll think that the others are too,” I said, trying to reassure myself that everything was fine. Alex laughed and shook his head patronizingly, clapping my shoulder like he would to a friend, his hand pressing into a bruise.

“She had an audio recording too and it was too good to keep to myself,” Alex smiled, fingers digging into my shoulder and leaving new blemishes. “It sounded like you and Hannah talking at the party Mr. and Mrs. Lee had a while back.” Alex’s grin never faltered and his exuberance only leeched my last shreds of hope away. Frustration dawned on me when I suddenly remembered a flash of gold behind a potted plant during my conversation with Hannah.

A recording doesn’t mean anything. The fans will think it’s fake anyway. They won’t believe it.

“One more thing,” Alex said, grin widening into a crazed look. I saw the punch coming, but I couldn’t bring myself to move as his fist slammed into my jaw, knocking me back and causing pain to bloom where he struck. “It’s only right I give you one every day until Ashley wakes up. Just a small expense on your part.” I just stared numbly back at him, too shocked to say or do anything in retaliation. I began walking away, my unshed tears burning my eyes. Alex’s hand slammed onto my shoulder again and swiveled me around, delivering another hit to my face, this time sending me toppling to the ground.

“On second thought, maybe you deserve a few more than just one,” Alex snickered before leaving me on the cold wooden floor with tears trailing rivulets down my cheeks. Dragging myself onto my feet and wiping the blood away from my freshly split lip, I tore to the basement and locked the door, immediately pulling up Twitter. A whole slew of pictures were plastered over the page, each with their own onslaught of comments. This time, I saw only the virulent comments as they flashed across the screen. Any supportive comments were subconsciously filtered out until only the poison remained. The recording had the most comments and the most retweets. My hand trembled as I began to scroll.

They’ll think it’s fake. They won’t buy it.

Harsh words continued to appear, tweet after tweet, leaving no hesitation as to whether the recording was fake or not. My tears were like acid now, stinging when they flowed into my cuts and burning my hands when I wiped them. My body was on autopilot and I immediately began dialing Jungkook’s number. My hands froze right when I was about to press the call button.

He’s still on his flight.

Closing my eyes, I exhaled trying to calm myself down, but my breath stuttered and I felt tears welling up in my eyes again. Wiping them away furiously, I dialed another number and pressed the call button with no room for hesitation. The dial tone grated on my nerves, making me more and more agitated. Right when I was about to hang up, the line connected.

“Hannah.”

“Michelle, what’s wrong?”

“A-Alex, he uploaded more pictures and even an audio recording of us talking at the party.”

The line was silent for a moment and I took the chance to wipe the last of my tears away.

“I’m going to Skype you. I want to see your face.”

“A-Alright.”

The line went dead and I reached for my laptop, pulling up Skype and waiting for Hannah’s call. An uneasy feeling settled in my gut and I looked at my surroundings.

Am I forgetting something?

The familiar Skype tone dragged me sharply out of my thoughts and I scrambled to answer the call, missing the answer a few times before I finally stilled my trembling hand and accepted the call. Hannah’s first expression was one of shock, her eyebrows high on her forehead and eyes wide in horror. A few beats of silence passed and I moved the mouse around on the screen, wondering if the call had frozen.

“Michelle,” Hannah said softly brows drawing together in concern. “What happened to your face.”

That’s what I was forgetting.

The full impact of her words didn’t strike me until seconds later and when it did, it felt as if my airways were closing up and I began to cough, struggling to take breaths into my quivering body. Hannah’s cries dulled to mere white noise in my ears.

She wasn’t supposed to find out. What do I do? She can’t get involved.

“Michelle!” Hannah nearly screamed, the shrill noise jarring my ears. My eyes squeezed themselves shut and my labored breathing was the only sound in the room. Fighting to calm my panic, my fists uncurled and I covered my face, peeking at Hannah’s worried face through the gaps of my fingers.

“Hannah,” I called, my voice hoarse and no more than a whisper. “Do I have to explain?”

Hannah pursed her lips and sighed. “Please Michelle, I don’t want to you get hurt more than you already are,” Hannah pleaded, her concern eating away at my fear and replacing it with guilt. “Please tell me. Who did this to you?”

“Alex,” I said softly, bracing myself for her outburst. No sound came through the speakers, Hannah only stared at me, fists clenching and body visibly trembling.

“Do the Lees know about this?” Hannah asked, voice cutting through like a razor, her fury channeled into her voice.

“They watched while he did it,” I said and Hannah’s face slackened and she blinked rapidly, trying to drive the tears away from her eyes.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Hannah said, voice strained and broken. “This isn’t the first time, is it?” A dam that I held back for years broke when I saw her broken expression and everything just flooded out.

I told her about the facade they hid behind during the first few months outside the foster home. The first time it happened, I tripped and accidentally pushed Ashley, who cried and said that I hit her. It wasn’t so bad that time, just a few slaps and pinches on my arms and legs. I had just accepted it as a customary occurrence within families. That was around the time the Lees enrolled me in the same private school as Ashley, one that hosted all grades up to the twelfth. The second time was on my first day of school, when Ashley, who was already in ninth grade, pushed me onto the ground and kicked me in front of all her friends who laughed and muttered some harsh words about ‘annoying toddlers.’ The teachers saw and she got detention. The third time happened on the same day, when Ashley blamed her detention on me. She said I was bothering her and she only pushed me to make me leave her alone. I stopped receiving lunch after that. From then on, it all became a blur and the only things that were retained in my memory were cuts and bruises, missed meals, and bloodstained bedsheets.

Hannah was silent again and I was too afraid to meet her eyes after spewing all the words that unwillingly left my lips. When I finally glanced up, Hannah was still staring at me, silent tears gliding down her cheeks.

“All this time, you never told me?” Hannah said voice breaking as she rubbed her eyes. “I-I should have tried harder to convince Mom to let you stay. I should have done something.”

“It’s okay Hannah, I can handle this. I’ve done it before,” I said, trying to reassure her. My guilt increased until it threatened to suffocate me. “You shouldn’t be blaming yourself for anything. It’s my fault I didn’t tell you. I just thought that I would be able to handle it on my own.”

“I know I just,” Hannah began, pausing to taking a deep breath. “You’re my dongsaeng. I just feel like I failed in my job as an older sister. I’m supposed to protect you.”

“It’s okay Hannah,” I said, forcing a smile onto my face. “I’m not broken yet.”

“Does anyone else know about this?” she asked, the pained expression not leaving her face.

“Yoongi and Namjoon might be catching on, but I’m not sure,” I replied, remembering when I spilled my tuition problem to Yoongi and when Namjoon confronted me. “Other than that, no one else knows.”

“That’s it, you’re staying over at my place whether you like it or not,” Hannah said finally, leaving no room for protest. Nevertheless, I tried to sway her.

“Your mom already hates me enough as it is. There’s no way she’ll let me stay.” I said weakly, raising my eyebrows at the smoldering glare she sent me.

“I don’t care. I am not letting you stay in that house on your own. You know what, I’ll stay with you then.” Hannah growled. Another stream of protests bubbled up but she shot them all down. “I’ll talk to you about this tomorrow in person.” The screen went blank and I stared at it with my mouth agape.

Did she really just hang up on me?

Rubbing a hand over my face, I sighed and collapsed back onto the thin mattress which sunk under my weight. The bitter comments that were temporarily forgotten all came rushing back and I closed my eyes decided to put everything off until tomorrow. Darkness held everything at bay, but I still fell asleep with twitter comments flashing behind my eyes.

***

Hannah showed up the next day with a duffle bag full of clothes and a triumphant smile on her face. Ignoring the sugary welcomes from Mr. and Mrs. Lee and Alex, she walked straight to me and smiled. If she noticed my gaunt face and dark bags, she didn’t comment about it.

“I did say if I couldn’t convince Mom, I would stay with you,” Hannah grinned, ushering me to the basement so she could unpack. I glanced back at Mrs. Lee and snickered when I saw her apparent disapproval. When she saw my ‘room,’ her smile faltered for a brief second, almost unnoticeably, before her forced cheerful demeanor returned. An uncomfortable tension formed in the air, making me fidget as Hannah silently placed her belongings down. She took a seat next to me once she finished, her fists clenched so tightly they turned white.

“I saw the photos,” Hannah said quietly, taking my hand into hers and running her fingers gingerly over the purple bruises.

“Would you be upset if I told you I went through the comments?” I asked tentatively, curling my hand around hers. Hannah just sighed and knocked her first gently on my head.

“You’re so dumb for such a smart person,” Hannah mumbled, giving my hand a squeeze. “Has Bang PD-nim called yet?” I shook my head, not having the energy to give her a reply. The buzzing of my phone cut through our somber conversation and relief flooded me until I saw what the notifications were.

“They found my personal Twitter,” I whispered, eyes widening that the sheer about of tweets that flooded my page. A mirthless laugh escaped me. “They even have a hashtag for me now.” Hannah peeked over my shoulder and immediately snatched the phone away from me.

“You are not looking at those tweets,” Hannah said, keeping the phone out of my reach. “I forbid you too.”

“I might as well know what others think of me, right?” I said, reaching my hand out for the phone. I was denied my request and received a dirty look as compensation.

“Reading hateful messages fueled by ignorant and narrow-minded people will not help you in any way,” Hannah argued. “I’m not letting you read them.” I dropped my hand in defeat, not finding it in me to argue against her. Suddenly, my phone buzzed again, this time with an incoming call. Hannah’s face paled when she glanced at the caller ID.

“It’s Bang PD-nim,” Hannah said, nearly shoving the phone into my hands. Fingers trembling, I accepted the call, bracing myself for whatever was to come.

“Yes Bang PD-nim.”

“Michelle there’s an important matter that we have to discuss. Please come to my office as soon as possible.” There was a click and the dial tone rang hollowly in my ears. Bang PD’s words continued to replay in my mind, the slight undertone of anger becoming more and more evident.

“Michelle, what’s wrong?” Hannah asked, causing me to blink numbly and stare at her.

“Bang PD-nim is upset,” I said lacing my fingers together in worry. “This is not going to end well. I have to go to his office.” I stood up, threw on a jacket and grabbed my phone before heading out, Hannah chasing after me.

“I’ll give you a ride,” Hannah said unlocking her car. The ride was solemn and filled with dread. Stones settled in my stomach when we pulled up in front of the Big Hit building, far quicker that I had hoped, A lump lodged itself in my throat as I entered, making my way toward Bang PD’s office, each step leading me closer to my doom. As I knocked on the door, every knock sounded like a clap of thunder ringing in my ears.

“Come in.”

I pushed the door open as slowly as possible and walked in. Bang PD’s expression was dark and his hands were folded together in contemplation. He began to talk as soon as I sat down, trying to drown myself in the plush chairs in front of his desk.

“I’m going to get straight to the point,” Bang PD said and suddenly, my throat felt raw and scratchy. “I’m not allowing you to date Jungkook anymore.” Even though I had expected it, hearing the words just rubbed salt in the gaping wound. I tried muffling my gasp and choked, tears building at the back of my throat.

Is crying all I can do now?

“I wish I could be more lenient, but the band’s reputation is in danger and your safety might be in jeopardy too,” Bang PD continued, driving the stake deeper and deeper into my heart. “This brings me to my other point. You know the CEO of XTM Fashion Industries, right?” I nodded in response. “She has informed me that if Jungkook continues to date, she will withdraw her influence and stop supplying the company with stage costumes and clothes from the band. This is of crucial importance to the band and I hope you understand why I am choosing to prioritize the company over your relationship.”

Before Bang PD even finished speaking, I was almost certain it was Mrs. Lee’s doing. My mind on autopilot, I responded to Bang PD. “I understand. I will break things off with Jungkook-sshi as soon as I can. Will I still be able to work here? I am still in debt to the company.”

“Your work is valuable and thus, I see no need to fire you, but I will request that you cover your face when you are outside with the boys,” Bang PD said and I nodded soullessly, still trying to process all the information that was being thrown at me. “Also, please do not inform Jungkook of this until the band returns to Korea in June. He needs to focus on the tour. Is everything clear?”

“Yes, Bang PD-nim,” I said, my voice monotonous and features blank.

“I understand that this is hard for both you and Jungkook,” Bang PD said in an effort to console me. His efforts only cemented a fact that I had tried desperately to ignore.

It’s all my fault. If only I had been more careful, none of this would have happened. If only Jungkook and I were just friends, none of this would have happened.

“Thank you for informing me of this,” I said, fighting to keep my voice strong and steady. “May I take my leave now?” My emotions were completely shut off, allowing me to disregard my rudeness that I would come to regret later.

“Yes, that is all. You may leave,” Bang PD said dismissing me with a wave of his hand. My feet dragged along the linoleum tiles of the floor as I exited the building. A storm cloud blanketed the city in gray, promising rain, and I couldn’t stop a sardonic grin from forming on my lips.

How fitting. Even the weather knows how to take a hint.

Hannah was waiting in the car, worry flitting across her face as she fiddling with her fingers and glanced periodically at her phone. Her head snapped up when I entered the car. She was reticent, unlike what I expected and another wave of guilt accompanied with relief washed over me. Wordlessly she started the car and drove, channeling her full attention onto the road. I didn’t notice that the car had stopped until Hannah nudged me as she was unbuckling her seatbelt. My limbs were listless as I got out of the car, hands fumbling as I tried to unlock the door. Alex’s smug gaze burned into me as Hannah led me to the basement.

“I’ll leave you alone for now,” Hannah said, gently my hair. “Just call me when you want to talk.” Hannah was about to leave when I snapped briefly out of my stupor.

“Thank you,” I whispered. Hannah only replied with a weak smile before shutting the door and leaving me alone.

Nothing went through my mind and I just sat there, waiting for something to happen, something that I would actually be able to do something about. My phone buzzed again and my hands curled into my hair in frustration as I resisted the temptation to hurl the offending object in the wall. The trepidation at sat at the pit of my stomach only grew heavier when I saw that it was Jungkook calling.

“Jungkook?”

“Michelle, I saw what happened. Are you okay?”

I’m so useless. A terrible person like me doesn’t deserve to be with someone like Jungkook.

I was about to let everything out but stopped myself in time when I remembered Bang PD’s warning.

“Don’t worry about me Jungkook. Are you alright?”

“I’m perfectly fine. It’s you that I worry about. Please don’t read any of the comments. They aren’t true and we all know that.”

“I won’t Jungkook.” The lie left my lips as easily as the truth would have.

“I have to go. I’ll call you later. Please be okay.”

“I’ll be okay Kookie, just focus on whatever you’re doing right now. Don’t hurt yourself.”

“I’ll be careful. I love you.”

Happiness and sorrow battled each other in my heart when I heard those words, but I forced myself to push it aside.

He’s still waiting for a reply.

“I love you too.” The words tasted like sawdust in my mouth, suffocating and consuming me. I hung up, unable to stomach the sound of his voice.

Jungkook, please forgive me. It’s all might fault. I don’t deserve you.

Disregarding Jungkook warning, I opened the Twitter app, determined to go through every message I could find.

I need to know. I deserve this.

Jungkook is too good for her. She’s nothing but a lowlife that’s trying to bring him down. Jungkook is better off without her.

Clutching the phone to my chest, my eyes fluttered shut, trapping the tears inside. I couldn’t help but think that everything they said was right.

~

Yes, I'm alive, just not very active. On the bright side, it's spring break so I might update faster. (hopefully) This chapter is a little longer and we're about three-quarters of the way into the story so it will end soon. The happy tags in the story still apply, but our characters are going through a rough spot right now. Everything is going nicely so just be patient with me while I pull words out of my brain. Enjoy.