Doctors wrap up party – Insadong

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Shin hye ah.. We have arrived.             

Uhm unnie, Itabayo. Komawayo, for everything, thinking back I do owe you a lot.

Fixing my hair and sling on my bag, I walk away from the van. Lets smile shin hye ah but It hurts my eyes, all the camera flash, surrounded by fans or anti fan, imagining all the article that will be circulated, “Park shin hye looking fabulous in chanel”, “Park shin hye come in late and unprepared”, all the headlines will always be two sided, a good and a bad one. It will never change. Years of debuting I am tired of being the “good” Park shin hye, taking care of my image, planning and straining all of my speech, being the grace and considerate Park shin hye. Sometime, the thought of “geuman haja” do come and smack my confidence. I am smiling to the camera, waving my hand while naturally trying to cover up my puffy face and make a way inside the restaurant, I see a huge board writing by a fan, she’s brightly smiling and waving her hand , It does matter after all, the continuous of fan support, it bring smile to my face “Our Goddess Park shin hye”. Thank you, that’s what I am sincerely feel at that time. The reason of me still being here, being an actor is because I like it , my job. “You are an actor shin hye ah, so being an actor don’t be the character”, that is what he said to me loud and clearly. Frankly speaking he always knows how to give me solace. Unconsciously I am smiling thinking of him again, is he here yet?

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Flashback-Doctors shooting (gymnasium)

Oppa.. what am I suppose to do to be like you?

Be like me? Like what?

How come you are so good at playing totally different role like it was nothing; you switch off your face so easy, either being the serious and lonely Park jung hwan or the sweet and bold Hong ji hong? And I know that you have just finish shooting your movie which I believe the role is heavy consistent with your darkened aura the first time we meet for shooting. I let out a little chuckle. It’s cute, that unbelievable face that he make.

Am I that “gloomy”?

Yup, you are so gloomy  even the pdnim is afraid to approach you. He is sweating and stuttering, He come meeting me , asking about you, “He is okay is it?, Did he talk with you?” that what he ask me. But surprisingly when the camera is  role, here we come “Hong ji hong”, that’s what you are.

Uhm for me, “you are an actor not a character”, that’s what I always think before starting up my new project.

What’s the differences oppa? To bring out the best of the character shouldn’t we the actor become one with the character?

It’s simple, character is a muse created by the jagaknim with a series of concept and extinguish lines but it doesn’t have an attitude and persona to carry it off so we as an actor it is our job to plan, created and molded that character according to our preferences, our comfortability  and our understanding of what the concept given by the jagaknim , the need of the pdnim and to set aside all others preferences, what matters is yours only. Being the character it is not that you follow it but you created it.

Kamsahamnida , sunbaenim I learn a lot today , while massaging his shoulder. I could hear his giggling. Falling into my deep thought again, amazing this man, his passion on acting, “set aside others preferences” is he talking about me being afraid of being judge and criticize, so I always following up  what is the best to appeal public. Slowly I can feel the warm of his hand, giving me a caress and a small pat like telling you it’s gonna be okay, you are doing  good. Our hand,  we hold up for a longer and more.

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Yaaa Park shin hye , you are late, I am getting yelled by the pdnim, everyone is busy drinking, talking, joking and waiting for me…………… to cut the cake. There I see him, smiling wearing his white rolled up sleeve shirt, my favorite by the way. Slowly I am walking and settled down beside him, the smell that I longed for. He smell so good, the event proceed , the pdnim thanking everybody, the jagaknim telling her point of view and him being his sweet himself praising everybody but not even a single word can grab my attention, all I see is our picture at the top of the cake, all memories seem to flashback, come and go. I am getting dizzy, suddenly he grab my hand and out of shocking I am jerking a little bit. Startled. Let’s cut the cake, that is what his muttering of. I am just nodded nonchalantly

One after another I’m gulping down the soju, His ignoring me is it? Look at him smiling and taking pictures with all the women, acting friendly, that’s not him at all. My head is spinning, the nausea is coming, stumbled  I walk myself through the crowd heading to the bathroom. Almost trip but somebody hold me up and drag me away to the back door.

Yaaa Kim rae won, what the hell are you doing? Kidnapping me?

Let’s go home, I’ll send you home. You are drunk! This girl is killing me, I’m calling Minnie asking for address but she’s not answering. Looking back again , she’s gone.

Oppa himneseyo, uri ka ichanayo, oppa himniseyo, shin hye ka iseyo!!

She’s singing while squat down beside my car, finish she start a conversation  with tires, talking and having a discussion about donut. GOD!

Yaaa, you look like a donut, grey.. grey.. grey…donut, oppa donut is here…. But this donut is weird… Yaa why are you laughing at me?  Oppa…. Oppa… Oppa…Oppa… Oppa………….

Wae, why are you calling me?

Bogoshipda, michin deusi bogoshipda! My tears started to dwell up, waiting to fall down. He picked me up, open the car door and assisted me in. Buckled up my seatbelt and drove off.

Shin hye ah, kwenchanayo?

Why do you care? , shut up and don’t talk to me. I am half yelling.

She is drunk. Look at her like that the feeling of regret started to pile up, If only I am brave enough? After a 10 minute of silent, she’s crying while I am speechless.

Are you ignoring me now? Am I that push over? Why ? Is talking to me so hard to do now?

But you ask me to shut up? So I just.. The crying is getting worse, basically she is wailing.

You know that Park shin hye told me that she hate you! Don’t talk to me!

Did she like me so much? , that is what I am thinking right now, seeing her like this, I am getting hurt. Slow down and I park my car at the roadside. She’s playing with her phone now, showing me my picture.

Is he handsome ahjussi? Naega chua nun namja. Should I delete the picture? YES! NO! YES! NO! YES!. I am confused! Ohh