Dear Jeongmin,

     It seems like all of my friends managed to get invited to the same wedding, because everybody was out of town this weekend, or at least that’s how it felt. I asked you if we could hang out and you agreed, although it sounded a bit reluctant (but maybe that’s just because I’m so concerned with whether or not you like me). 

     We went out to eat at the same place we had our first “not a date”, and it was awkward. I can’t think of a better word to describe it. You talked about your plans for the future. Apparently, you’ve been planning to leave in the late summer for an opportunity in another city which may lead to a contract. I congratulated you on being offered the opportunity, because that’s what friends do, right? They act as though their heart is not breaking when their friend is jubilant about something that they themselves personally despise. Right? 

    I hated our conversation. It felt so awkward and forced. I have a tendency to exaggerate emotions and perceptions in a negative manner, but I don’t think I am incorrect about this interaction. We talked like those stereotypical old friends that haven’t seen each other in years and attempt to catch up, but eventually must resort to mundane topics like work and family to keep any grain of a conversation going. 

      At one point, I mentioned the wedding and your demeanor changed. You suddenly looked panicked and inquired as to whether or not I was supposed to go. I laughed and told you, no, and weddings seem like a waste anyways. I was half-joking, but you gave a nervous laugh and went on about how you don’t have time for nor do you see the point to love. I’ve accepted that you will never love me, so why did it still hurt when you said that? 

      When we were leaving, you quietly mentioned that you needed to be home earlier than you had been the last few times we’d hung out. Immediately, a wave of guilt overcame me, remembering staying out until 1AM and laughing into the chilly night. I apologized, taking the blame for our outings going so late and you did the same. That was the final signal that we are no longer friends like we used to be.

      It’s funny, because I thought seeing you again after such a long time was going to cause elation within me, but instead I’m left drained. Will we ever be like we used to be? My brain and my heart have opposite answers. I know which is correct, but it hurts me to believe it.

Hyunseong