title: (3/5)

There isn't really much to say about the title, except that it's quite cliche and also fitting to the story. While it sounds generic, readers would certainly click on your story because the words 'innocent' and 'playboy' contrast to each other; therefore sparking curiousity in some. 

description: (6/10)

The description is short and to the point. It concludes most of the personality traits of Jinwoo in the story, but I don't know...it sounds a bit strange and robotic when you read it out. Like you're just throwing sentences together because you want to say a lot, but then tried to cram everything together. Also, reading it made me feel as if I'm reading a Jinwoo x You fic, when it's not. Add some description from Hara's point of view; like, 'She tries to escape...but it's impossible.' or something along those lines. 

 

foreword: (2/5)

The first few lines of the foreword, along with the gif of Jinwoo seems extra. You've just written the same things in the description, so it's not needed. Also. There's too much information stuck in the foreword. The things about Jinwoo being not innocent can be put in the description instead, because with the credits and glimpse to the story plus the extra gifs....it's overwhelming. Try moving something to the description. 

 

spelling, punctuation and grammar: (7/20)

Before plunging straight into your writing style, let me correct and point out a few grammar errors in your story. 

First of all, your tenses. It's not the usual past-present tense mistake, rather the problem of present continuous tense. Chapter 1: 'I'm apologize.' should be 'I apologize.' There's no reason for this to be a present continuous sentence as there are no key words like 'now', nor is anything happening at the time. Present continuous wouldn't normally be used in dialogues unless the character is talking about someone else. 

Next is your use of prepositions. Note this sentence in chapter 2: '...she took special attention to her makeup'. It's either 'She took special attention in her makeup', or 'She paid special attention to her makeup.' Taking something to something else, means someone is bringing that thing along to somewhere else. Another example would be the lack of back in ' He always comes early to discuss that with me.' It should be 'He always comes back early to discuss...'

Your use of vocabulary. 'Coming by' a place means going to a place that is towards the speaker. Know what I mean? It's sort of the difference of coming by my home and coming by his home. Because in my home, the possessive pronoun is yourself, therefore you use come. In this case though, it should be look in on Jinwoo. It's a synonym to visit someone, so you can use that. 

Also, flagging a taxi. It should be flagging down a taxi, so you're missing the preposition. Another mistake that authors frequently make, would be the past tense of lay. Or lie, in the sense of one is sleeping on a flat surface. It should be laid, regardless of which one you're using. 

Next, your excessive use of pronouns as well as your use of paragraphs. There are simply too many 'her's and 'him's in the story. You can refer to Hara as 'her', but also using her name, 'the girl', 'the secretary', 'the other' when both Jinwoo and her are in the scene, 'the younger' etc. For Jinwoo, you can use 'him', his name, 'her boss' and 'the other' when both him and Hara are in the scene, 'the older' etc. 

Some paragraphs shouldn't be seperated. Or, as stated in the below, you can add more description and depth in your writing to make the scenario more 3D and vivid for your readers. It feels messy when I read your story, as if it's poorly-structured. 

Now, let's move, finally onto your writing style.

To be honest, it reminds me of myself when I was still...not such a good writer. You want to describe everything in the story, but don't want it to sound long and lengthy, am I correct? So there are parts where you practically stuck a word or two and left it hanging, 

Such as, 'The elevator dinged to a halt. She went out and was met with a quiet hallway. There were only two units at the floor and she went to the right, following the directions on the paper.' and 'She rang the doorbell first. After about five minutes, no one answered her call.' 

While it's written very clearly about who is doing what, it's also not detailed enough. There simply are no feelings, no strong feelings depicted here; no indication of if she's nervous, or excited. You can add this: 'She went out and was met with a quiet hallway, the silence loud in her ears as she walked trembling towards the right unit, following the directions on the paper.' Doesn't this make Hara seem more 3D? 

And the feelings you wrote, aren't really strong enough. 'Hara for the first time, felt happy as she cooked for someone else.' ...And then? How is she happy? Is there any indication that happiness is evident on her face? 

Lastly, even though this is a story told in third person perspective, you made it first person sometimes. There are a lot of thoughts included, such as, 'She wanted to groan aloud. How did this have to happen to her? Had she no ounce of resistance? Had she no decency left within her?' 

Questions should normally be avoided as it seems almost as if someone is asking them. Rather, you can use your actions to indirectly ask the questions; 'She wanted to groan aloud; Jinwoo could clearly see she has no ounce of resistance in her, given the situation where she was kissing back. But it was all in the heat of the moment; hopefully her boss forgives her...' Something like this. 

Also, I don't know where to stick this in so I'll put it here. Never use gifs to explain what you're trying to convey. It stops the flow of a sentence abruptly, and while it looks nice and easier to understand what you're trying to say, it just looks out of place. Remember, if we can just look at gifs, then we don't have to pay attention to your writing, seeing as you had described Jinwoo peeling off his tie and when he's having a fever in bed then sticking a gif and picture there. 

You can try proofreading your story once over according to these guidelines, but if you're too busy to do so or still don't understand, feel free to hire a beta-reader or ask me :) 

 

plot: (11/20)

This type of plot is cliche, but you've thankfully gave it a tiny twist so it feels more different. 

The boss x secretary thing is common, and you've shown that in your writing as well. The appearance of Jisoo and Lisa was refreshing, because usually it's only the boss and the secretary, as well as the role of Seungyoon. 

The whole story actually feels very cliche, because I've seen countless fics where the secretary falls for the boss, the girl being weak when in love and defiant when she's casted away, and the guy feeling sorry when she left. 

The start of the story, where you mentioned the club was new. It showed Jinwoo's playboy personality, as well as the meeting of the two. I look forward to reading what happened that night. 

Other than that, the flow is pretty nice. 

character development: (10/20)

The personality of both characters are there, but somehow there is, again, a lack of feeling that the characters can exist in the real world. 

Hara is your typical shy and head-over-heels girl in the office, and she can be seen potraying that personaity through her expressions as well as her words. She also become defiant after Jinwoo left her, but crumbled when he says he had something to tell her. It's the innocent, I-believe-I-can-change-him personality that puts me off. It's just my personal preference though, so to others it seems quite real. 

The way you described her, again, is not enough. There is no mental pain, no direct feelings written for her inner self that depicted how deep her pain was, as well as how upset she was. There were indirect feelings, the ones that described what a bad person Jinwoo and his tactics are, but aside from that, I can't feel that she touched me in any way.

Jinwoo is the same. I can see the difference between his playboy self and innocent self clearly, but while you wrote about him playing with her emotions, it just doesn't feel deep enough. I don't know what he's experiencing half of the time, mainly because the story is written in Hara's perspective, but also because, again, there isn't enough description to make me feel he's a real character. 

Somehow, whilst being a supporting character, Seungyoon feels the most 'real' out of them. Yes, you didn't describe his feelings deeply enough, but his actions, his responses and his words seem the most natural. 

 

setting: (6/10)

The settings your story is confided to are the club, the office, Jinwoo's house, as well as a brief mention of Hara's place. The club is described vividly enough, and just by your words, I can imagine the scene of the people dancing and fooling around. 

The office though, while you laid out everything that was in it, it feels crammed and messy at the same time, because you didn't say where everything is. It could be changed to, 'Hara could see a meeting room the moment she stepped out of the lift. To its right, a glass panel seperated it from the records room.' Honestly? Through your writing I have no idea where Hara's closed-off office really is. 

Jinwoo's house is the same. There just isn't enough information to know where everything is. 

 

overall enjoyment: (4/10)

I apologise for giving such low marks, but I didn't really enjoy the story. It's mostly your writing style and the lack of description that put me off, but the plot's cliche as well. However, some of it is my own personal preference, so you shouldn't be put off writing because of my comments (and I would hate to have that happen > < ) All in all, I think you have room for improvement, so good luck! 

total:49 /100

Reviewer's notes