[Ro] Swingsets of Heaven
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REVIEWER'S NOTES | Didn't enjoy this story much. But it was very well-written.
Title (005/005)
The title had a sort of mysterious and whimsical feel to it, so it sparked my curiousity. Also, it really matched what Hyuna had experienced in her black out. The only thing that I felt was missing was the internal conflict that she had felt, and that the title didn't really mention anything about that so readers are in for a surprise, but if some of them were looking forward to something happy, then it might surprise them negatively.
description/foreword (009/010)
The description didn't reveal a lot, only a little snippet of what's in the story, which would have been perfect for a multi-chaptered story, but to me, for one-shots, I would've preferred only one sentence or paragraph since the story was originally very short. I think what you could've deleted was the second sentence, the part about her eyes travelling up to the heavens because there wasn't really a need for describing a swing. You could've added the fact she saw another her, but without that was also fine, since that would be left for readers to discover.
characterization (015/020)
In this story, there were only two (three if you count her boyfriend) characters, Hyuna and the other her. The original was struggling with her inner demons while the other one was helping her out, and I couldn't really judge the two because it just seemed like the original was given such a personality to make the inner her help her. I could give you full marks for that, but because the characterization for this story wasn't really that hard to write (in my opinion), I knocked off five points.
plot (012/020)
To be honest, I don't really get the point of writing this story. Sure, I get the fact that it was supposed to be for a contest, but after the story, what do you really want the reader to feel? To understand or even learn from the story? For example, even if there was a really trashy fluffy (say for example) idol x OC story, I could still see a beginning and end in the story. Here, it felt like this story was dropped from the sky and ended up smashing against a mountain. Meaning it started vaguely and stopped abruptly.
The title had a sort of mysterious and whimsical feel to it, so it sparked my curiousity. Also, it really matched what Hyuna had experienced in her black out. The only thing that I felt was missing was the internal conflict that she had felt, and that the title didn't really mention anything about that so readers are in for a surprise, but if some of them were looking forward to something happy, then it might surprise them negatively.
description/foreword (009/010)
The description didn't reveal a lot, only a little snippet of what's in the story, which would have been perfect for a multi-chaptered story, but to me, for one-shots, I would've preferred only one sentence or paragraph since the story was originally very short. I think what you could've deleted was the second sentence, the part about her eyes travelling up to the heavens because there wasn't really a need for describing a swing. You could've added the fact she saw another her, but without that was also fine, since that would be left for readers to discover.
characterization (015/020)
In this story, there were only two (three if you count her boyfriend) characters, Hyuna and the other her. The original was struggling with her inner demons while the other one was helping her out, and I couldn't really judge the two because it just seemed like the original was given such a personality to make the inner her help her. I could give you full marks for that, but because the characterization for this story wasn't really that hard to write (in my opinion), I knocked off five points.
plot (012/020)
To be honest, I don't really get the point of writing this story. Sure, I get the fact that it was supposed to be for a contest, but after the story, what do you really want the reader to feel? To understand or even learn from the story? For example, even if there was a really trashy fluffy (say for example) idol x OC story, I could still see a beginning and end in the story. Here, it felt like this story was dropped from the sky and ended up smashing against a mountain. Meaning it started vaguely and stopped abruptly.
To me, this felt like something you've written because of either your personal feelings, or a random idea that popped up in your mind but not fully planned or organized. Maybe you were aiming for that hazy and mysterious feel, but to me, it's just messy.
writing style (018/020)
Your writing style was perfect for this story. Short sentences or paragraphs that poses as flashbacks to enhance your reader's understanding of the past, and the descriptions of actions and features were really vivid and I could see the images of your characters perfectly. Only thing was, you could've written more about how it was like hanging from the sky on a swing. Other than that, it was really well written.
grammer (017/020)
There were a few grammatical mistakes that could be avoided if careful. Surprisingly, your tenses were past tense all the way, which was rare because normal writers, even experienced ones would easily make that mistake.
Your writing style was perfect for this story. Short sentences or paragraphs that poses as flashbacks to enhance your reader's understanding of the past, and the descriptions of actions and features were really vivid and I could see the images of your characters perfectly. Only thing was, you could've written more about how it was like hanging from the sky on a swing. Other than that, it was really well written.
grammer (017/020)
There were a few grammatical mistakes that could be avoided if careful. Surprisingly, your tenses were past tense all the way, which was rare because normal writers, even experienced ones would easily make that mistake.
Most of your mistakes were vocabulary or structure mistakes. For example, in your foreword, instead of saying bottom of foot, you could say the sole of her foot, which would sound more mature in terms of vocabulary. Also, 'a few scattered clouds were among the blue heaven' could be changed to this 'a few clouds were scattered amongst the endless blue heavens'. First of all, I changed the order of the words so the sentence was more smooth, and 'heaven', unless mentioning the holy one, would be plural.
In the first sentence in your story, 'There was a pause before there was a slight breeze in her hair', it would be better if you changed it to 'There was a soundless pause before a slight breeze played with her hair'. Since I'm assuming that you meant the breeze made her hair move, it would be better if you wrote it like this, because even I was looking for words to describe it. As for the soundless part, because she had a black out, it would be as if the world had stopped for her, correct?
Also, for the first flashback, you didn't have to put 'Hyuna' twice in a sentence. Just express it with a pronoun. Next, the sentence 'And Hyuna was back on the swing, her eyes glared at the mirrored her'. Note the use of tenses here. It should've been 'glaring' instead of 'glared', since the past tense was used for something that had already done.
Other than that, I think you should be able to realize the minor mistakes made in the story.
Personal enjoyment (002/005)
This story was quite well written, but I can't say I've enjoyed it because of the almost non-existent plot and the characters' personalities. Though, I really liked your writing style ^^
Personal enjoyment (002/005)
This story was quite well written, but I can't say I've enjoyed it because of the almost non-existent plot and the characters' personalities. Though, I really liked your writing style ^^
Good luck on writing!
total score (078/100)
reviewer's advice:
I can't really say much because I personally didn't really like the story, but if you write more stories like this, I would advise you to add a little about what her boyfriend did after her black out because I was really curious about that. Other than that, good job on this story ^^
total score (078/100)
reviewer's advice:
I can't really say much because I personally didn't really like the story, but if you write more stories like this, I would advise you to add a little about what her boyfriend did after her black out because I was really curious about that. Other than that, good job on this story ^^
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