[Ro] Tu es Tout ce Que Je Veux
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REVIEWER'S NOTES | Didn't enjoy this story much. But it was very well-written.
Title (004/005)
Since your story had snippets of French in it, I had to translate some of it, including the title, which I won't reveal because of spoilers. Anyways, this saying is two-way, which is something that Sehun says to Luhan and vice versa as all the older boy wanted was for the other to live. It was a very well chosen verse, and for French readers, it would be an interesting click bait because of them wishing to know what is going to happen in the story. At the same time though, if it was written in English, then it would be too cliché as I'm fairly sure that a lot of stories had the same title. When you made it French, it had a mysterious aura around it, though at the same time readers might have no idea what you were talking about, thus lessening the number of interested readers.
description/foreword (010/010)
Your description was very well-written, revealing enough to make your reader curious about your story. The descriptive language was also well-used, which makes it all easier to visualize about the story and Sehun's condition. I won't comment on your foreword since it was mostly personal stuff, but (if you don't mind me saying) you sounded way too happy when it's an angsty story. (no offence, but...yeah)
characterization (011/020)
Now, this is where you pretty much messed up. Sehun was a well-described character, since he was pretty much 'emotionless' and indifferent to everything, but if he had cancer, wouldn't he feel more...sick? Or at least weak enough to the point that he couldn't stand or walk. I once had a family member who had leg cancer as well, and he couldn't walk or even sit up. As for the few months, surely the tumour had already worked its way up to his heart, so a few weeks would have been more realistic.
And next, about Luhan. He seemed like a pretty shallow person to me, especially when you wrote that 'it's then that he realises how good-looking Sehun was'. The thing was, I'm not sure if you believe in love at first sight, because I don't, and when I read that sentence, something just felt off. You don't fall for your friend that you just met. Not ever because if you try putting that in a real situation, wouldn't it be slightly ridiculous? And not to mention him being suddenly so cheerful after hearing that his mother wouldn't have a chance of recovery.
As the story proceeds, it just became more obvious that the two boys' personalities started becoming the same. I understand that you've probably never written angst before, but the one mistake that an author should never make: putting different names on two people with almost the same personality.
plot (012/020)
Generally, I understand your plot, even if it wasn't the most realistic one. However, your flow wasn't very smooth. It began as normal, then suddenly very fast from where Luhan realises how handsome Sehun was, and started dragging on a little after the food fight. Basically, it just felt strange in a way I'm not sure how to describe.
Maybe because I'm not used to this type of simple yet descriptive writing, but if I look at it from a beginner reader's view, it could be easily understood and read.
writing style (018/020)
Your writing style was simple, yet easy to read. The use of vocabulary wasn't very difficult, so it would be easy to understand. On the other hand, if readers like me who usually enjoy reading exciting plots with heaps and heaps of descriptions and advanced vocabulary, it might feel a little boring. All I could say was, it could be better.
grammer (019/020)
As far as I could see, there wasn't any major grammar mistakes, and you stuck to one tense throughout the story, which was really nice even though I personally don't like reading stories in present tense. However, there were a few typos which you could definitely change if you read it over once more.
One thing that you could change though, was the overuse of both Luhan and Sehun's names. Every sentence had at least ten Luhans and Sehuns in it, which, even though the reader would not be confused, was slightly irritating.
Also, there was one sentence (I couldn't find it again) in which you used 'awe' twice. One thing about repeating vocabulary; it's never wise to do so. I actually got a C+ in my work for school thanks to that (with other factors, of course).
Personal enjoyment (003/005)
It was a very well-written story, but to be honest, I can't say that I enjoyed it, because of the mainly lack of emotion and the repeating of names and whatnot. I'm sure that you could've written it better, so hopefully my review helped.
total score (082/100)
reviewer's advice:
I suggest that you read more angst-themed stories, because you seemed pretty amateur at this type of stories.
Since your story had snippets of French in it, I had to translate some of it, including the title, which I won't reveal because of spoilers. Anyways, this saying is two-way, which is something that Sehun says to Luhan and vice versa as all the older boy wanted was for the other to live. It was a very well chosen verse, and for French readers, it would be an interesting click bait because of them wishing to know what is going to happen in the story. At the same time though, if it was written in English, then it would be too cliché as I'm fairly sure that a lot of stories had the same title. When you made it French, it had a mysterious aura around it, though at the same time readers might have no idea what you were talking about, thus lessening the number of interested readers.
description/foreword (010/010)
Your description was very well-written, revealing enough to make your reader curious about your story. The descriptive language was also well-used, which makes it all easier to visualize about the story and Sehun's condition. I won't comment on your foreword since it was mostly personal stuff, but (if you don't mind me saying) you sounded way too happy when it's an angsty story. (no offence, but...yeah)
characterization (011/020)
Now, this is where you pretty much messed up. Sehun was a well-described character, since he was pretty much 'emotionless' and indifferent to everything, but if he had cancer, wouldn't he feel more...sick? Or at least weak enough to the point that he couldn't stand or walk. I once had a family member who had leg cancer as well, and he couldn't walk or even sit up. As for the few months, surely the tumour had already worked its way up to his heart, so a few weeks would have been more realistic.
And next, about Luhan. He seemed like a pretty shallow person to me, especially when you wrote that 'it's then that he realises how good-looking Sehun was'. The thing was, I'm not sure if you believe in love at first sight, because I don't, and when I read that sentence, something just felt off. You don't fall for your friend that you just met. Not ever because if you try putting that in a real situation, wouldn't it be slightly ridiculous? And not to mention him being suddenly so cheerful after hearing that his mother wouldn't have a chance of recovery.
As the story proceeds, it just became more obvious that the two boys' personalities started becoming the same. I understand that you've probably never written angst before, but the one mistake that an author should never make: putting different names on two people with almost the same personality.
plot (012/020)
Generally, I understand your plot, even if it wasn't the most realistic one. However, your flow wasn't very smooth. It began as normal, then suddenly very fast from where Luhan realises how handsome Sehun was, and started dragging on a little after the food fight. Basically, it just felt strange in a way I'm not sure how to describe.
Maybe because I'm not used to this type of simple yet descriptive writing, but if I look at it from a beginner reader's view, it could be easily understood and read.
writing style (018/020)
Your writing style was simple, yet easy to read. The use of vocabulary wasn't very difficult, so it would be easy to understand. On the other hand, if readers like me who usually enjoy reading exciting plots with heaps and heaps of descriptions and advanced vocabulary, it might feel a little boring. All I could say was, it could be better.
grammer (019/020)
As far as I could see, there wasn't any major grammar mistakes, and you stuck to one tense throughout the story, which was really nice even though I personally don't like reading stories in present tense. However, there were a few typos which you could definitely change if you read it over once more.
One thing that you could change though, was the overuse of both Luhan and Sehun's names. Every sentence had at least ten Luhans and Sehuns in it, which, even though the reader would not be confused, was slightly irritating.
Also, there was one sentence (I couldn't find it again) in which you used 'awe' twice. One thing about repeating vocabulary; it's never wise to do so. I actually got a C+ in my work for school thanks to that (with other factors, of course).
Personal enjoyment (003/005)
It was a very well-written story, but to be honest, I can't say that I enjoyed it, because of the mainly lack of emotion and the repeating of names and whatnot. I'm sure that you could've written it better, so hopefully my review helped.
total score (082/100)
reviewer's advice:
I suggest that you read more angst-themed stories, because you seemed pretty amateur at this type of stories.
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