CHAPTER 9: Hurts

I listened to Hani’s story carefully, and somehow I could give her my emphaty. I could understand her feeling. I could relate to her problem. She’s pretty cool. I even thought like that.

She must have a hard time too. Yeah, everyone must have hard times in their life too. But still, she shouldn’t add misery for Jahewan.

“How long she hang on you like that, Hwan ah? Until now?” I asked Jaehwan softly.

Jaehwan took a deep breath before answering my question. “No.. it was actually clear that she doesn’t want to be with me..” He bent his head while whispering, “It’s just me who can’t let her go...”

Flashback

Jaehwan’s POV

After that day, I devoted myself to be helpful in Hani’s business. So, I seek for any chance that can bring money. I decided to contact the musical company who previously gave me their business card right after I finished my Jekyll and Hyde musical. That time I was unconfident and uncomfortable towards the other main casts since I was the only one whom they offered the card. But now, I had to put aside all of those things and braved myself to take the chance. Fortunately they welcomed me warmly and directly asked me to get lessons from seniors in the company. I studied diligently. I set my goal to be included in the next musical project, Chess. As the quotes ‘process would never betray’ was true, I got selected as supporting actor in Chess, playing as Anatoly. That was my first debut musical stage. I was excited and nervous at the same time. I invited Hani to attend the premier and sent her the ticket, but she told me that she couldn’t promise to come. No matter what she said, I was still hoping she can come, because her presence was important to me. She was the reason I started this, she was the source of my brave decision to take this chance. But seemed it was only an empty hope because in the end she didn’t come. It was only The House’s members who came and supported me.

Maybe she had another important thing to do, don’t be too sensitive over this mere things. I told myself.

The musical was played a month, and I had total four times to be on stage. Every time I have my stage, I always sent the ticket to Hani wanting her to come, but not any of those stages she attended. I was hurt, but I tried to understand. One night, I decided to wait for her in front of her boutique.

“Jae, what are you doing here?” Hani asked as soon as she came out after I called her by phone.

“It seems so hard to meet you..” I was directly whining and she replied with a smile.

“Sorry.. You know that I’m always busy..”

“How could you not come to my musical stage, even for once?”

“Why must now? I know you will have many musical stages in the future. So I will come when you got your first main role.” She said cheerfully.

I let out a tsk, but then smiled. ”Okay, I will work harder in order to make you come.”

“That’s my boy!” Hani gave me her proud smile. Somehow only seeing that smile was enough to fill her absence in my musical stages.

I took something from my bag and gave it to her. “Take this."

Hani was surprised to get that thing to me. It was my bank account and name stamp.  She confusedly asked, ”Why are you giving me this??”

”I got quite amount fee from the musical, so use that money for your business.” I simply answered.

But she was laughing. “Why are you suddenly giving me money? Are you sure you want to invest in this fashion world? You don’t even know about fashion, Jae..”

“I’m sure.. I want to invest in this business because I believe in you Hani.” I said firmly.

Hani was still laughing, but in the end she gave it back to me. “Take it back, Jae. I won’t take anything from you.”

“Why not?” I insisted.

“It feels weird to have your bank account and name stamp in my hand.. I’m not your wife, Jae.” She told me while holding her laugh.

But it wasn’t funny for me. You’re my future wife.. right?

“Here.. “ She gave it back again. “This money is the result of your hard work, Jae. Don’t easily give it to another person.”

This time I couldn’t refuse. I took back my bank account and name stamp in disappointment.

“How much you earned anyway? If you want to invest, it should be more than 10 million won.” Hani tried to make a joke.

I forced to laugh. “Okay, I’ll work harder. If I really got 1 million won, don’t hesitate to take it, okay?”

Hani chuckled. “Okay! I directly marry you, Jae!”

Her spontaneous answer got me fluttered. Marry?

Looking at me standing foolishly, Hani walked closer and cupped my face. “Don’t be too kind to me, Jae..” She shook her head, “No. Don’t be this kind to other girl too.. They could misinterpret your kindness..”

Listened to what she say, I firmly told her, “I do care about you, Hani..”

With that she pinched my cheek softly and said, “I know.. Let’s go get something to eat, I haven’t eat since morning..”

“You should think about your healthy, Hani ya..” I started to nag her. And that was it. My relationship with Hani remained unclear.

Feeling not enough with Chess, I worked harder for the next musical project. It was quite difficult actually to manage my time, since in the morning till noon I have class in campus, and in the night I have lesson from my musical mentor. With that busy schedule, my time to meet Hani became lessen and lessen. But this time, Hani was giving more attention. One night, she even surprised me by coming to the studio to see me practice.

“Oh, Hani??” I ran as soon as I saw her coming.

“Hi, have you done?” She gave me her smile.

“Mmm, I still have some time left. Could you please wait for a moment? It will end soon..” I told her.

“Sure..”

I smiled at her before I noticed that my mentor walking by. Felt the need to introduce Hani to him, I invited Hani to greet him.

“Sunbaenim..” I called him and he stop walking. We walked closer and I introduced Hani to him. “Sunbaenim, this is Hani, my... friend.” I found the gap between my words, because it was contradicted with what I truly meant, but I played safe by saying her only my friend.

“Kim Junsu.”

“Ahn Hani..”

They were doing handshakes for a moment, before Junsu hyung asked Hani, “Do you like to join us playing the musical?”

Hani directly answered, “No, I don’t have any talent to play musical..”

Looking at how startled she was with the question, I helped her with adding, “She’s just watching me practice, Hyung..”

“Aaah, then you can come here often.. Jaehwan is really good. He’s a fast learner.” Junsu Hyung praised me.

I made a little bow at him while saying, “Thank you, sunbaenim..”

With that, Junsu Hyung and I excused to go to the stage, while Hani was sitting at the audience seat, watching me practicing. It felt different when Hani was here watching me practice, I felt more energized and nervous at the same time. I thought it will be only once she came to watch me practicing, but Hani came pretty often. One time she even came with bringing many foods for me and the musical crew. I didn’t know why, but uneasy feeling creeping me up, why Hani be this good to me? Is this all she did it for me? And somehow I could catch different gaze between Hani and Junsu Hyung. I denied it at the first time, forcing myself to believe that it was only my prejudice. But day by day, I became pretty sure that there was something going on between them. When previously she didn’t attend any of my Chess musical, this time she even attended the premier of Cinderella. I knew she was just fulfilling her promise to attend my first musical with me as the main character, but when she came she didn’t cheer on me, she cheered on Junsu Hyung. I have decided to talk to her right after the musical, but she already left with Junsu Hyung.

And the next day she asked to meet in the cafe. I thought it was good chance for me to talk to her, but what she told me shut me off, “Jaaaeee, you should congratulate me! I’m officially taken now!”

T-taken? That single word successfully shut my brain off. My mind directly went blank. What she was just saying?

“Kim Junsu ssi confessed to me and gave me this ring!” She said it proudly while showing me her glittering ring.

I couldn’t think clearly and just asked, “And what’s your answer?”

“Of course, yes! Is there any girl who refuse him? He’s totally cool and handsome, right?” She said it happily and I really hate it.

So I just blurt out, “What about me?”

“About you?” Hani frowned. “What are you asking Jae?”

“What am I to you, Ahn Hani?” I asked her firmly.

She was froze for a moment and then answered softly. “Friend. We’re always been friends, right?”

Jabbed. My heart was jabbed and it hurt so much. These times we spent together I thought we were more than friends even though it was unstated, but turned out it was only me delusioning. I felt like I was suffocating, I barely could breathe. And I didn’t know how I should respond to this. So, all I could do was just leaving. I left. At least I kept my last pride by not crying in front of her.

Back to the present

“I was a fool. I am a fool, right?” Jaehwan told me while holding his anger.

“Why don’t you tell her about your feeling, Hwan ah? She should know that what she did these entire time was hurting you.” I tried to give advice but actually it was just an emotional words from me.

“I don’t know, Kyung.. I couldn’t think straight that time. All I knew was just I had to leave. I didn’t want to cry in front of her.” Jaehwan told me while massaging his forehead. “Even without me telling her, she should’ve known, Kyung.. Even there was no words coming out, my action speaking up.. She’s just like me, pretending that there’s nothing happened.”

I shifted closer to comfort him. I patted his shoulder while asking, “Can you just let her go, Hwan ah? You deserve someone better..”

“I’ve tried it Kyung.. But it’s hard. I used to have her by my side..” He said it with all of his heart.

And listened to that, I couldn’t help to say, “You can! When she left to Paris, you could forget her, right? You even fell in love with another girl, so why can’t you now??”

“She’s my first love, Kyung!” He said it firmly. “You know it was hard for me when she left, and yes I fell in love with another girl. But when she came back, all I think about is her, Kyung. I’m back to love her again even after years. So I don’t know if... If I could stop loving her.”

Listened to what he was saying, I was disappointed. A part of my heart cursed Jaehwan for being such a fool but another part of me pity him. In the end, I decided to do thing I never thought I would do. I started with soft voice, “You know what, Hwan ah.. When you mention about first love, it makes me remember my first love.”

He looked surprised as he turned to look at me. I continued saying, “Maybe you never heard about it. I... I never shared it with you, because.. it’s... “ I paused to catch a breath before saying, “It’s you.”

“W-what?” He looked beyond surprised by my sudden confession.

But I braved myself to continue, “You’re right when you’re saying that first love is special and so on, but don’t be melancholy about it until you say you can’t stop loving her. YOU CAN! Even though I’m not sure because I.. I know what you feel, Hwan ah..” I tried to explain, but he was still giving me his shocking face.

“I liked you since our first year and it was hard to see you with Hani and YES I fell in love with another guy. But when I met you again last night, that old feeling creeping up again. I’m suddenly thinking about our old happy memories and imagining WHAT IF we were together. Would we be happy? Would it be better for you to be with me than Hani? YOU DON’T HAVE ANY IDEA what I’m feeling when I heard your story. When I heard that THE BEST MAN I KNOW, THE MAN I LIKED THE MOST, was hurt by a girl who doesn’t deserve his love.” I didn’t know why but I became so much emotional.

“You must be shock to hear it from me now, Hwan ah?” Jaehwan was froze, he didn’t respond to anything I was saying. “Just before you told me that even without you telling her, she should’ve known. Even there was no words coming out, your action speaking up. Then how about me? Don’t you realize my feeling for you when we were high school? All of my actions back then must have been speaking up, but you didn’t have any idea that I had feeling for you, right?” I asked him but he remained silent. “So just speak up! Tell her! just like what I do right now..”

I tried to normalize my heartbeat. It was beating fast since I start to tell him my long-time-burried feeling. And after I was much calmer, I said, “I’m telling this not for begging you to be with me or what.. I just want you to stop this. To stop being miserable. Because it hurts me to see you hurt..”

[The picture of Jaehwan looking at Kyungri intensely]

#BGM: SG Wannabe – As We Lived

A/N: Short update, sorry.. Tried to finish it in one chapter, but I think it will be better to divide it into two. Thanks for keep reading.