Chapter 8: Decision

The wind breezed slowly and the sky got brighter as the sun started to come out there, far in the line where the sky meets the sea.

I was still listening to Jaehwan, how he told me about Hani, the girl he loved with all of his heart. I was jealous and mad at the same time. I was jealous because maybe when Jaehwan wanted to take their unstated relationship to a further step that was the same time I begged Kevin to stay with me. And it made me wonder, what if that girl wasn't Hani but me, or what if the guy wasn't Kevin but Jaehwan, maybe all could be easier. But to realize that was all just vain hope, I got mad. What happened to us, Hwan ah?

I turned my head to look at Jaehwan, and he still continued his story.

Flashback

(Jaehwan's pov)

The weekend came and as scheduled I picked up Hani in her apartment to go to Daegu with me. But she wasn't there. I tried to call her but she didn't pick it up. But soon my phone rang and it was from her. Unfortunately it was a call to cancel the trip. She told me that she has some kind of business to do so she couldn't go with me. I tried to understand and asked about rearranging the other date. She answered that she would tell me later.

But later might become never. Because since that day, Hani seemed avoiding me. We rarely met up and she looked so busy. She never agreed to the date I offered for our trip to Daegu with so many reasons. I started to question why she changed. But I put aside that thought and gave her the last offer. This Chuseok, she have to go with me and she didn't have any more reason to not agree.

Chuseok is basically Korean Thanksgiving. Masses of people travel from large cities to their hometowns to pay respect to their ancestors. And I wanted to take Hani with me and introduced her as someone who soon to be a part of the family.

In contrary to what I thought, Hani looked so excited to go back to Daegu. And it made me think that the reasons why she couldn't go with me before was real, because she was really busy, not because she was avoiding me. I smiled at myself

The first person I met was my mom. I hugged her tight and she did the same. I really missed her, it was such a long time I haven't go home.

As soon as my mom saw me bringing a girl to the house, she asked who she was. Before I could answer the question, Hani took over the conversation with, "Eommonim, do you still remember me?"

My mom furrowed her brows, trying to remember her. But Hani impatiently introduced herself. "I'm Hani, eommonim.. Ahn Hani.."

And it made my mom remember, "Ah! Haniii, my son's first crush!"

We were laughing to hear how she responded. She is my first crush and always been my love, mom. I said it in my mind.

She let us inside and soon we met my dad and my brother. He came with his wife and my nephew. They welcomed me and Hani with big smiles on their faces. And somehow I felt beyond happy. It felt like the family is complete and I wanted it to stay like this.

I loved to see Hani interacting with my family. How they shared the stories and so on. But sometimes my mom shared the thing she shouldn't say like, "I still remember how he was locking himself in the room when you were gone, Hani.. He looked so depressed."

The revelation got me blushing, and it made them laughing louder.

My brother even had to add, "But now you will stay in Korea, right?"

Hani nodded. "Ye, I'll stay here.." She answered his question and then turned at me. "I'm not going anywhere, don't worry Jae.."

Her words got them laughing again, but it got me blushing again.

Yeah, this time I won't let you go again, Hani..

As Hani helped my mom to wash the dishes, I looked at them from a far. I loved to see it, how she naturally become a part of our family.

Maybe I was too sensitive, but I sensed something different in my mom's stare at Hani after they have talk. Just like when Hani played with my nephew, my sister in law commented, "Seems you do like kids, Hani.. You must want many children when you build a family."

"Yeah, I do like kids, but having many kids is a no no. Kids come to us a responsibility and I don't think I can take that responsibility. I have many other things to take care instead of the kids." Hani answered casually.

But my mom responded cynically, "She is a busy business woman not a fulltime housewife like us.. She won't understand the happy feeling when we spend time with kids."

Hani won't lose with arguing, "Yes, each person has their own priority. And kids is not my priority. We can go to the orphanage and having fun too with the kids there, and I think it's more helpful."

Didn't want this conversation to continue, I took Hani from there and have a talk while walking outside.

I started the conversation with, "How do you feel to come back here again?"

She heaved a sigh, "It's such a long time I left this place, right? But I think I don't really miss this place. There was no good memory left here.."

I was surprised to hear what she was saying. No good memory? Then how about your memory with me?

Somehow she could read my mind because then she added with, "But of course it's except you, Jae.. every time I think about my high school time, all I think about is you.."

I smiled a bit at her, but my mind was already going on something else. Since she mentioned about memory, I braved myself to talk about her dad. "Hani, since we're here in Daegu, don't you want to visit your dad?"

With the mention of her dad, she suddenly stopped walking. She turned at me and showed me her disappointed face. "Why'd you have to mention him?"

"It's Chuseok, Hani ya.. don't you think you need to pay respect to him? No matter what happened he's still your father.."

"Don't meddle in my family matter, Jae." Hani told me firmly. She looked at me in the eyes while saying, "I don't want to hear your speech about what a good family is. I can live without something called family and I have proven it. I can live on my own. So stop talking about him or I will go back to Seoul now."

There was silent for a moment, before I started to calm her with, "Okay, I'm sorry.. let's just go back to the house.."

She bent her head down along the way to the house. Since I didn't want to trigger her emotion, I just kept silent. But actually I was thinking. Sure she had a temper, I have known it before, but I still couldn't understand seeing her got angry only over the mention of her dad. For me, family is an important issue, if there was a problem it should be resolved as soon as possible. But it wasn't applied for Hani. And I knew that I shouldn't judge her.

As we reached the house, I let Hani go to her room, while I chose to sit on the large wooden bench outside the house enjoying the night sky. It was quite clearer than Seoul sky. There were few stars peeking out from the darkness.

Then I heard my mom's voice. "Where is Hani?"

I straightened my back to face her. "She's in her room, mom.."

Mom sat next to me and suddenly asked me, "Do you really like her?"

I was surprised by that question, so I just let out an, "Uhm??"

"Hani.. Do you really like her?" Mom repeated the question.

"Aaah.. yes, mom." I answered softly.

But with that answer, my mom heaved a sigh. "You have grown up, son.. So I don't want to order you around.. Force you to do this or that.. But, I think you should reconsider your feeling for her."

Mom got me surprised again with her words. "But why, mom?"

"I had a talk with her, and I don't think she matches you.." Mom paused for a moment before saying, "I feel that she's.. too ambitious."

I opened my eyes widely, didn't expect that word to come out. "Ambitious?"

"Her world is focus on her career. You won't be her priority, son.." Mom told me.

I replied fast, "I can understand it. I even can help her achieve her dream."

"Yes, the decision is still on you.. If you decide to keep her by your side, you better be prepared. There must be more and more things you should try to understand." Mom told me in the eyes.

And it made me bending my head down, thinking about her words.

"Let me ask you, what is she to you?" Mom suddenly asked. "A friend? A girlfriend? Fiancé?"

That question got me silent, I couldn't answer it yet, I didn't even know what kind of relationship I have with Hani.

But seeing me in silent, mom responded her own question. "She told me that she's not in any relationship, she doesn't even have time to think of it."

Listened to what mom saying, I was speechless. Is she really thinking like that? So what about me? What about us?

While getting up, mom patted my shoulder. "I hope you make your best decision, son.."

As I looked at my mom walking to the house, I remembered what Hani told her. Does she really not consider this as a relationship between man and woman? Am I only friend?

The next morning came and we had breakfast together. Everything was fine, we were all chatting and laughing like before. But actually I was trying so hard to keep looking fine. My mind was still full off questions, what should I do next?

Until we bid goodbye to my parents as we wanted to go back to Seoul, I still didn't know what my decision. We rode the car in silent for the few minutes, before Hani broke the silent with saying, "Jae.."

I only replied with "Uhm?" without turning my head at her.

"I'm sorry about last night.." She said softly.

I didn't respond anything and my eyes was still focusing on the road.

She continued, "Just with the mention of him made my blood boiled. And I poured my emotion to you, I'm sorry.."

I shortly responded, "It's okay.."

"You don't know how hard it was when I have to move to Paris. It was a crucial decision, Jae. My life changed started from that." Hani told me while bending her head down.

I stole a glance at her. She looked so sad and it hurt me. Suddenly I regretted being mad at her. But there was no comfort words coming out my mouth. I was confused at how I should respond to her, because she didn't know how hard it was for me when she left without telling me anything.

"I used to live without worrying about money, Jae. That ahjussi provided all I need, except his existence. Sometimes I was jealous to see a little girl playing with her father, because I never had that memory. The only memory I had just seeing his back when he went away."

Hani paused to catch some breath and continued, "So when he was accused of being a criminal, I didn't give him empathy just like any other daughter would be, but instead I was angry and disgusted. These times, this whole times he gave me his dirty money, I ate with that dirty money, I lived with that dirty money. Something that I never expected and I really hate it, I felt disgusted at myself." She said in full of emotion.

"That night, I decided to cut the string with him. He's not a part of my life anymore." She told me firmly. "I called my auntie and bought tickets to go to the place she's living - Paris. I didn't bring many things and more over I didn't bring much money. I didn't want to use his money anymore, so all I could bring was only my savings. I left Daegu, I left South Korea, the place where I was born, my hometown, and started to gamble my life in the stranger place, Paris."

She turned at me and said, "If you think what happened after that was a happy story, you were wrong. Because there, my life was changed." She paused to chuckle before saying, "I was nobody there. I couldn't speak French fluently, I didn't know places. Everything seemed new and strange for me."

She took a deep breath and said, "I tried so hard to fit in. But it wasn't easy. Moreover when mom was late to realize that the situation has changed. We were not like we used to be. And sometimes she blame me about our condition that I have made a false decision and we should go back to Korea."

I looked at her and she started crying. I didn't want to stay silent so I parked the car on the side of the road and put my attention at her.

"She couldn't understand that we only had one another and all she could do was only whining. And the situation got worse when auntie couldn't let us live in her apartment any longer. I was so frustrated, Jae. I didn’t have anyone to lean on, I didn’t have anyone to share my problem. I really wanted to talk with you, but I didn;t even have enough money to send you a letter. So I focused myself to work. I swear I never worked that hard since I was born, Jae.."

"You have worked hard, Hani.. You're a good daughter.." I said it as I wiped the tears that falling on her cheek.

She glanced at me and asked "Am I?” Then she bent her head down while saying, “In the end I left her too."

Hani's respond got me quite surprised. But I didn't say anything.

"I should thank God for helping me in many ways to make me where I am right now. But it seemed one of His way was sending my mom to someone else." She explained.

I was still confuse over what she said and she explained more, "My mom found another guy. She married a French man not long before I decided to go back to Korea." Hani told it with a mix of sadness and disappointment in her eyes.

Then she looked at me in the eyes and said, "So, this is me right now. I'm all alone.."

As she said that words, tears were falling again in her eyes, making me couldn't hold myself to hug her. I pulled her into my embrace and caressed her hair softly. I whispered in her ear, "You're not alone, Hani.. You have me.. I promise I'll always be by your side.."

"You have to, Jae.. Don't ever leave me.." with that Hani burst to tears in my embrace.

And that time I was thinking, no matter what this relationship is called, stated or not, I will stay next to her, I will make her happy... that is my decision.

[The picture of Hani crying in Jaehwan's hug]

#np: Suzy - pretend

A/N: turns out this chapter is still talked about Hani, I'm sorry.. If you think Kyungri’s struggle & Hani’s struggle is kind of similar, then yes it is. But how they react is different. I just want to show you the details. I hope you won't get bored. See you in the next chapter. Once again, it will end soon :)