CHAPTER 6: Not Me

After I became more relax, Jaehwan asked me, "Kyung, what about we get outside to breathe some fresh air?”

I nodded softly.

"What about we go to the beach? We'll be waiting for the sunrise to come, uhm?" Jaehwan asked excitedly.

I really appreciated how he want to make me feel better. So I replied softly, "Okay."

Then, we went to change our clothes and met at the outside of the sauna. Jaehwan was running before me to open the car's door for me. I sent him a smile I went inside the car.

The sky was still dark and the street lamps was still accompanying us to get to our destination, Eulwangni Beach that took 2 hours to go there by car. I opened the window a little, wanted to breathe the early morning breeze. It was really refreshing, but it was getiing colder by the time, so I decided to closed it again. I turned my attention to Jaehwan who sat next to me. He was driving slowly. I found myself comfortable by only watching him driving, but then he started a conversation.

"Well Kyung, you have shared your story.. To accompay us to go to the beach, I want to share mine too."

I smiled softly. "Yes, there must be so many girls wanting to be your girlfriend, right? But what, you still can't forget about Hani?"

Jaehwan pursed his lips. "Mmm, not exactly like that..” He turned his head and told me, “Actually I met Hani in my first year."

I was quite surprised by that. "She's already back in your first year?"

"Mmm.. I can't say she was back.. She went back to Seoul only to attend Seoul Fashion Week, she's one of Channel's maknae that time." Jaehwan explained.

"Wow, she was seriously so determined in following her passion. I envy her.." I responded softly.

"Yeah.. that time, she suddenly sent me a message, asking to meet up. And I almost lose that chance because I was too busy having fun with my friends.. But yeah, we meant to meet.” He paused to smile a bit. “I saw her again after almost two years.."

Looking at how he still smiling remembering when Hani back made me jealous, but I couldn’t say anything than "You must be so happy.."

Jaehwan nodded firmly. "Yeah, I'm so happy.. Seeing her so healthy and even became prettier, all of my worries were gone.. Aah, it's good that she's living well there.. That was what I thought"

"So, did she explain the reason why she left to you?" I casually asked.

"No.. I didn't ask and I thought I didn't need to know it.." Jaehwan responded fast. "She was just explaining why she couldn't contact me all these times.." He heaved a sigh before saying, "She was having a hard time too, Kyung.."

Flashback

"I'm sorry Jae.. I'm sorry to make you waiting.. I'm sorry for hanging you.. I’m sorry for leaving you behind.." Hani paused for a while to catch some breath and continued, "I have a hard time when I started living in Paris. Mom and I have no much money.. I even have to do many part time jobs.. So yeah, I couldn't contact you at all, when I promise you I would.." She paused again to wipe her tears. "I know you must have been really worry about me.. I know you must have been hating me.. But please forgive me.." She couldn't talk more because she was fully in tears.

“Don’t cry.. I hate to see you cry..” Jaehwan said as he wiped her tears softly.

“I don’t know what we are now.. I’m leaving with many promises to you. A promise that I will go back soon.. A promise that I will contact you as soon as I landed.. A promise that no matter what happen we were still be together.. I promised many promises that I couldn’t fulfill.. I’m sorry Jae..”

“It’s okay..” Jaehwan said it softly.

“Now I didn’t even know my feeling for you.. I mean, I didn’t look for another guy there.. What I’ve been thinking is all about my career, this whole fashion thingy.. And that was also the reason why I forget about you..”

Jaehwan was still wiping the tears that came out endlessly from Hani’s eyes.

“I will go back to Paris tomorrow morning.. So I want to make it clear.. What should we do now, Jae? Should we start it over or just end it here?”

"So, what's your answer?" I immediately asked as soon as he finished his story.

But he still had time to tease me. "Try to guess it!"

I heaved a sigh before answering, "It must be to starting over, because now you are being together again.."

Jaehwan smiled at me and then said, "Ddaeng! You’re wrong!"

“Wrong??” I was surprised by his answer.

Jaehwan softly added, "It was actually our official breakup.."

"But why? Why did you end it after all your waiting, Hwan ah?"

"I don’t know, I felt like I don't want to hold her with me..” Jaehwan explained. He turned to see me and said,  “I love to see her happy, Kyung.. And she was happy even without me.. It was like seeing a butterfly flying.. It's beautiful when you don’t catch it."

I heaved a heavy sigh. I wish I can meet someone who loves me just like you love Hani, Hwan ah.. It's so pure and it makes me envy. I told to myself.

"So, that must be not the end of your story, knowing that you are now back with Hani.." I asked Jaehwan.

"Of course not.." He responded fast. "My story is still so looong.."

Didn’t bought by his joke, I insist asking, "So when did you end up meeting Hani again and falling in love again, and starting a relationship again?"

Jaehwan chuckled before saying, "Be patience Kyung, what next is not about Hani.. I want to tell you about another girl.."

"Was there another girl?” I was quite surprised by is words. “Woah seriously Lee Jaehwan, you're a professional in love."

But hearing my comment, Jaehwan laughed out loud. "Professional??" Jaehwan shook his head in disbelief that I could say that word. "Yeah, I might be.."

A bit curious about the girl he mentioned, I asked, "Who is she, the girl who can make you forget about Hani? Even only for a while.."

He started with a smile, before telling me, "Her name is Cha Sukyeon, my classmate, my best friend."

He added, "At first, I admired her voice, just like I admired yours, Kyung..”

The mention of my name got me surprised, it was nice to have someone admire something in you.

He cotinued to tell, “Our first met was in our first class, when the lecturer asked us to sing in front of the class. And she made me astonished by listening to her voice. It was a shooting high notes, that was not easily pulled off. But it seemed like it was easy for her. When she approached me, I welcomed her with all of my hearts. We started being good friends that time."

Jaehwan smiled as he remembered his memories about that girl. "We spent much time together, and being with her I felt comfortable. And slowly my feeling was growing to love."

He turned at me and said, "I was debate with myself whether to confess or not because you know, friend turn to lover is critical.. If she rejected me, we would be awkward and there may be a chance we're not gonna be friends anymore."

Yeah, that's right. It was somehow I worry the most if you know that I have a feeling for you, Hwan ah. I said in my mind.

"Not enough with that difficult choice, I have to face another difficult fact." He continued.

"Uhm? What is that?" I shortly asked.

He turned at me and smiled. "I wasn't the only one who love her.."

I straightened my back as I gave comment. "Woah, it's getting interesting.. Who was your rival?"

"Do you remember Taekwoon Hyung?" He casually asked.

But I didn’t get what he means. "Uhm?"

"Jung Taekwoon, one of the guys who you met in the cafe.." He tried to remind me about that guy.

And with his clue, I could remember him. "Aaah, the one with small eyes and pale white skin?"

"Yup!" Jaehwan responded fast. "I consider him as my hyung, so when I found out that he also likes Sukyeon I got a dilemma.. If I confessed and Sukyeon accepted me, then how about Taekwoon Hyung? My head was full of questions.." He shook his head a little before he continued,  "But in that complicated situation, I was the one who got confession.."

"What??" I was surprised by the plot twist. “Sukyeon-ssi confessed to you?”

Jaehwan smiled before answering, "No.. It was from Irene unnie.."

"Ai-rin?" Is there another girl? How many girls involve in your love life, Hwan ah? I asked in my mind.

"Her birth name is Bae Joohyun.. But her popular name is Irene..” Jaehwan explained.

“Popular?” I chuckled before adding my comment,  "Woah, seriously.. You have something to attract the popular girl, Hwan ah.."

We both laughed by the wors I was saying.

But then I was curious. "So, did you reject her?"

"No..” Jaehwan simply responded. “She didn't even expect me to accept her feeling.."

But it got me confused. "Uhm?"

He turned at me and smiled. "She knew that I like Sukyeon.."

Flashback

"I know you like Sukyeon.. "

"What?? H-how could you know?" Jaehwan stuttered.

Irene chuckled. "It showed..."

"It showed?"

"Yeah.. Then, why don't you confess to her?"

Jaehwan could only silent.

"Feeling is complicated right?"

Jaehwan looked at Irene, surprised at her words, the same words he stated.

"I never imagine that I will confess to you like this.. Just a few minutes ago, I still have a rule in my mind that woman never should confess first... But then,  I sent you message.. It was a breakthrough for me.. And I don’t regret it.. Because I feel fine right now.. Your respond, whether you have the same feeling as mine is not important.. The important thing is.. I have transferred the big feeling that I kept in my heart to you.. I let you to know.. And it is also the thing you ask me to do.. To put my happiness above others.. I do it with you right now.. Just for this moment, I don't care about anyone else's thought, even your thought, I just care about mine.. My thought to let you know.. "

Listened to his story, I was impressed by that girl. "Wow, she's so cool.. I wish I was as brave as her.."

Jaehwan smiled to me and then continued his story. "Because Irene unnie, I determined myself to confess to Sukyeon"

"And her answer?" I simply asked.

"Well, she agreed to have a date with me.. We went to Namsan Park and had a good time there until.." Jaehwan didn’t finish his words.

And it made me impatience. "Until?"

"Until I realized she was just forcing herself to accept me when the truth was the otherwise.." There was a bitter smile in his face when he told the story.

Didn’t understand what was actually going on, I asked again, "How'd you know?"

"I can feel it, Kyung.. She tried to open her heart for me but I know she liked someone else.."He smiled again before saying,  "Taekwoon Hyung.."

I opened my eyes widely. "Jung Taekwoon ssi?"

Jaehwan nodded. "Yeah, since I know that they like each other, I couldn't do anything than congratulating them and wished they last forever."

"You must have been broken hearted, Hwan ah.."

"I was lying if I said I'm not broken hearted but now I'm their supporter, they really meant to be with each other.." He turned at me and smiled. "You know, the most important thing is I don't have anything to be regret. Even though I wasn't succeed to get her heart, at least I have ever try."

At least I have ever try. Yeah I should’ve tried to confess to you too, Hwan ah.. That was what I saying in my mind, but in reality I only said, "You should get that Irene unnie instead.."

"Yeah, I should have.. but I don't have any special feeling to her.."

I furrowed my brows. "Why? She must be so pretty.. Didn't she remind you about Hani?"

"I don't like girl based on her physical, Kyung..” He turned at me to say it. “Moreover being with her means I should be in the spotlight. I have ever felt that, I didn't want to experience it again.."

I nodded softly. "Ah, that's right.. You must be scared if she was just like Hani.."

Jaehwan laughed a bit before saying, "But Sukyeon ever told me like this..

Flashback

"Hwan ah.. What do you think of Irene unnie?" Sukyeon asked.

Didn’t got what she means, Jaehwan asked, "Uhm?"

"I mean.. I think she's still waiting for you.."

"Waiting for me?"

"Do you really can't sense it?"

Jaehwan pursed his lips before answering. "I don't know.."

Sukyeon straightened her seat before saying, "Listen, there is a limit in waiting.. Irene unnie must be tired waiting for you all this time.."

Jaehwan responded fast. "I don't ask her to wait for me.."

With that Sukyeon heaved a sigh. "Ah, really.. I thought you were different, Hwan ah.. But turn out all the guys are the same, they are mean.. tsk tsk."

Jaehwan furrowed his brows. "Mean?"

"Of course! Guys and girls, all of them have the hearts, right? They have the same hearts. Just imagine if you were in unnie's position. Don't you also feel hurt?"

Jaehwan was in silent, contemplating what Sukyeon was saying.

She even addded, "Try to be more considerate to her, Hwan ah.. She have tried her best, now it's your time to do your best.."

"Seems, she's a warm person. " I gave comment as soon as Jaehwan finished his story.

"Who? Sukyeon ah?"

I nodded. "Uh uh.."

"Yes, she's really warm.. That was like how she think about me when I confessed to her.. She tried so hard not to hurt me.." Jaehwan replied.

Slowly I responded, "But would it be a lie if you just pretend to love?" Just like what Kevin did to me.  I said in my mind.

"Don't worry about that.. Cz in the end we're not meant to be together.." Jaehwan added.

Flashback

"Hwan ah, may I ask you something?" Irene asked Jaehwan.

"Ye?"

"Did what you do these days.. mmm.. I mean.. do you now see me?" She was stuttering in asking.

Didn’t got what she means, Jaehwan asked, "Ye??"

Irene explained, "You always nice to me, but these days I felt that you were different.. Like, now, finally, you tried to hit on me.."

"Ah, that's.. mmm.. " Jaehwan confused how to respond her words.

But before he could say anything, Irene has said, "Don't do that."

Jaehwan opened his eyes widely. "Eh??"

"I have done in waiting for you, Hwan ah.. I have finished my feeling for you.. I have just closed my heart for you.. All of the things in this world has a limit. And my heart has just reached that limit. So you don't need to try so hard to get it anymore.." Irene explained.

And her explanation made Jaehwan speechless.

Irene laughed before adding,"Woah, this is seriously funny.. The timing.. Yeah, the timing isn't right for us.. How it could be like this, Hwan ah?"

I laughed a bit when he finished his story. "Sorry that I laugh, but... you must look so pitiful Hwan ah.."

Jaehwan was also laughing. "Yeah, you are right when you call me a professional in love.. Yeah, I'm a professional fool!"

We both were laughing together for a moment until I tried to cheer him up with saying, "But at least, you got Hani now.. You got your Hani back, right?"

Jaehwan was looking a far when he answered, "Yeah, I got her back.."

Somehow I caught something sadness in his face, but I couldn’t figure it out.

But Jaehwan himself who showed me the reason. "Can you open the glove box? There was something there that you can read.."

Even though I didn’t know what he means, but I obeyed. I opened the glove box and found a letter. "Is this what you mean?" I asked him and he gave me a nod.

"What's this?" I looked at the letter and started to read.

Invitation Letter

Engagement Party

J & H

My heart was dropped to see that letter. J & H. Jaehwan and Hani? "Wow! C-congratulations Hwan ah.. I didn't expect that you reach this step with Hani.. C-congratulations!" I was stuttering to say it because my heart was a bit ache to know that this guy, my first crush, has finally want to build a family with the girl I don’t really like to be with him.

But Jaehwan responded with laughing as he asking back, "Congratulations?"

"Yeah, I.. I should congratulate you, right? This is a happy news!" I tried to look happy, I didn’t want him to know that actually I was crying inside.

But he responded calmly as he asked me to open the letter. "Just open it and read carefully.."

"Uhm?" He made me confused again, but I obeyed him. I opened the letter and continued to read

We invite you to come to our engagement party,

Kim Junsu & Ahn Hani

If knowing that Jaehwan will marry Hani made my heart dropped, this time knowing that it wasn’t Jaehwan who want to engage with her made me almost got a heart attack. "What's this?!"

"H-how can it be?" I tried to get the explanation from Jaehwan.

But he only looked a far while still driving. Slowly he answered my question, "Yeah.. The letter J in the invitation isn't me, Kyung.. “

And the thing he did that got me angry was he looked at me while still smiling. But I knew that behind that smile there was a pain he tried to hide.

This time I hate Hani more than anything in the world.

[The close ups of the invitation letter]

#bgm: Taeyeon - Lonely Night