It was one of those nights where I decided that staying at the dorm and having to put up with the other members was too stressful and so I decided to just go out to have some fun once again.

It wasn't even that entertaining and thrilling anymore, to be honest.

At first I'd liked to walk through the streets at night, to find those run-down clubs and blur my mind with bitter alcohol while dancing with strangers. I loved to let go of all worries, to get trashed and to stop thinking about Mingyu. 

But that wasn't really the case anymore.

While I drank more and more, my mind was simply getting filled with more thoughts about Mingyu, with his worried expression, his pleading eyes, his apologies I had to listen to day by day. No matter how drunk I got, Mingyu wouldn't leave me, not even when another person's lips were moving against mine as the loud bass of the club was drumming in my ears.

This night was no different.

I was quite drunk already and enjoying the presence of a guy who's name I'd never asked for. Or maybe I'd done so but just forgotten it thanks to my drunken state, I really don't know. 

"You look like the guy I'm in love with", I told him in a chuckle, only receiving a smirk from him: "He must be straight, I guess?"

I nodded, laughing a little before taking another sip of my drink.

"Well, I'm not straight, you know", was his answer to that, both of us smiling at each other knowingly. We talked and danced a little, drank more and more and before I knew it, I found his lips on mine. I wasn't really complaining about that either.

Intimacy was something I'd started to like for many different reasons. The biggest one would be that it always managed to make me feel wanted.

I loved to feel wanted.

Hands touching my body, lips kissing mine, teeth nibbling on my neck, I loved it all since it was the only way to give me the satisfaction I needed. Well, maybe it didn't fully satisfy me since I knew only Mingyu could do that, but at least it was a great replacement.

"Do you want to take this to my place?", I was asked soon, the guy in front of me biting his lip while looking at me with a seductive stare. I'd been asked that question countless times but always rejected the offer, not feeling like losing my ity to some stranger while being completely drunk.

This time I didn't reject the offer, though. Probably because my mind was getting more and more clouded and the guy in front of me looked more and more like Mingyu. Or maybe I just wanted him to look like Mingyu.

Wanted him to be Mingyu.

But as I was thrown on the guy's bed only half an hour later, his hands trying to open the belt of my jeans as he planted kisses on my chest, I suddenly realized that he certainly wasn't Mingyu and when I did, I stopped the handsome stranger, telling him to let go of me in an instant.

I just couldn't have with him.

"What do you mean you want me to let go? Don't tell me I brought you here for nothing?", he questioned, his voice getting louder, clearly annoyed with me. I knew what he wanted and I knew I'd gotten myself into a pretty ugly situation, yet I just laughed at that guy, telling him I didn't feel like having with him.

It was the first time a was punched during my many nights out. 

But instead of feeling anything about the sudden violence directed at me or the loud voice telling me to "get the out", I just put my shirt on once again and left that place, not really thinking anything about it at all.

Since all I could think about was Mingyu anyways.

I arrived back at the dorm at around three, opening the entrance door with great difficulty since I was still too drunk for my vision to help out. I managed to get in, though, just to be greeted by the person I honestly didn't want to see.

Mingyu.

"Wonwoo", he muttered, taking a few steps forward: "What happened? You're bleeding."

I didn't really understand what he was talking about and so I just laughed at him, trying not to look at him since I knew just what a great affect he had on  me.

"Sit down on the couch, okay? I'll get the medical kid", he whispered before rushing into the kitchen. I didn't do as he said but just took off my shoes before making my way to my room.

I didn't succeed to get in, though.

Mingyu's hand grabbed my arm too soon and so I had no other solution than to let him drag me towards the couch. Of course, I could've fought him off and told him to stay away, but I actually didn't feel like doing things like that anymore, thinking it was too exhausting to keep resisting all the time. And so I simply sat down, wanting nothing more than to get everything over with.

I hated moments like these the most.

Moments in which Mingyu seemed to care about me and helped me out instead of yelling and screaming at me. Moments in which his voice got soft and seemed like it was filled with so much affection and love when I knew how little I meant to him.

God, how much I despised myself for getting weak every time he took care of me.

"You're drunk once again", Mingyu muttered, his voice filled with that kind of worry I couldn't trust. Was he actually worried or did he just pretend to be? I couldn't tell anymore.

"Wonwoo, you have to stop drinking so often", he told me as he opened the kit and took out some tools to take care of my wounds. I didn't even know how bad I looked but apparently, that guy had given my face a good blow, judging by the great amount of pain I was experiencing as Mingyu carefully put the disinfectant on my bruises. 

"How did you get these wounds anyway?", he asked, his eyebrows furrowing as he was concentrating on taking care of my face. He was so close to me, yet I knew I couldn't risk to lean forward and just close the last bit of distance between us.

Since Mingyu didn't want that.

"Some guy freaked out because I told him I didn't want to have with him", I explained truthfully, chuckling a bit while doing so: "You know, he looked a lot like you. That's why I accepted his offer to go to his place anyways. Damn, he was so beautiful. Just like you, Mingyu, just like you. For a moment I actually thought I was about to have with you, the great Kim Mingyu. Isn't that funny?"

Mingyu didn't say anything but looked at me with a pained expression instead.

"Now don't give me that look and pretend you care. I know fully well that you don't give a about me", I sighed, hating the way his saddened expression affected me as well: "It's not like I expect you to care either, so just cut that bull and leave me alone."

Mingyu didn't respond but completed to take care of my bruises instead, carefully touching my face so that he wouldn't hurt me. He wasn't happy with my words and I knew it, yet I couldn't make out whether he was simply feeling guilt or actually cared about me.

I never knew what was the case with him.

"Let's get you to bed, alright?", he whispered with a small smile on his face as soon as he was done: "You must be tired after everything you've been through today."

He didn't talk about himself or how tired he must've been while waiting for me to get back. He didn't talk about his exhausting schedule or the fact that he had to wake up early in the morning once again. No, instead he only cared about me and it was something I couldn't understand.

"I don't feel like sleeping", I announced and chuckled a bit while doing so: "I never really fall asleep anyways and when I do I only get nightmares. God, it really feels lonely to lie in bed all night without being able to fall asleep."

Maybe it was the alcohol which made me tell him all those things, maybe I just wanted him to know. 

I guess it was both.

Mingyu's fake smile which he'd clearly worked so hard on faded, his eyes falling on the ground. Instead of answering, he took my hand in his and helped me to get up, slowly walking towards our room: "Sleep in my bed, then. I don't like feeling lonely either."

He didn't wait for an answer but just opened the door and walked towards his bed, getting under the covers and waiting for me to lie down next to him. 

I didn't. 
______ 

"What do you mean you're sending me home?"

It was a question I threw at my manager with a great amount of shock plastered on my face, not quite understanding what he was trying to say. Was he finally throwing me out of the group? Was my contract with Pledis ended just like that?

I was almost hoping that was the case.

"Wonwoo", he started his answer with a deep sigh, not even daring to look at me: "Right now it's hard for us to handle you, you know? The other members are stressed enough with the upcoming comeback and we don't have enough staff to take care of everyone as it. Especially since you're going through a rather- urm- rough time, yeah, we decided it would be best for you to stay at home a little and come back as soon as you're feeling better."

They weren't throwing me out.

"So you're getting rid of me until I'm good enough for you again?", I concluded, almost laughing at the manager's words: "You're telling me to go home so that you don't have to handle me anymore, isn't that it?"

I didn't get an answer.

"Wow, so now that I'm nothing but a burden you decided to make me go home to see my parents, really?", I chuckled, not quite believing what was happening: "Why don't you throw me out of the group, then? Are you too scared of the fans' reaction? Too scared of having to explain to the media how ed up I've become? What's the reason for you to just send me home for a while instead of getting rid of me at once, huh?"

I wanted to provoke our manager, loving how he tried to come up with lies, with sweet and nice words to sugarcoat the fact that Pledis just didn't know what to do with me anymore. 

I actually loved to see the manager struggle.

"We won't throw you out because we know how much potential you have. Maybe you've given up on yourself right now but Wonwoo, we haven't", he explained to me with that annoying fake smile plastered on his lips: "You only need some time to get back on track, okay? We understand that you're having a hard time, that's exactly why we think that sending you home for a short time will help you. Just think of it as a small vacation, a little time-out for healing."

I laughed at his words yet I didn't give him another reply. If he really wanted me to go home, then I would. It wasn't like I cared about wherever I stayed anyways.

At the end of the day, I was still miserable. No matter if it was back at home are at the dorm. Hell, my management could've send me to ing Africa and I wouldn't have cared.

Which is why I simply accepted his words and let them send me home, thinking I'd at least get away from the stressful members and their countless attempts to make me talk, thinking I wouldn't have to bear their screams and tears, thinking I wouldn't have to mask the guilt I was feeling everyday.

I didn't know I'd feel even worse when going back home.

The thing is, my family certainly didn't know about my circumstances since Pledis had made sure to cover that up, so of course, they didn't have the slightest clue in what kind of state I actually was. 

They didn't know how ed up I'd become.

So when my parents picked me up and engulfed me into warm and long hugs, telling me how happy they were to see me and how proud they were of me, I didn't feel okay at all.

Actually, I felt like .

There was nothing for them to be proud of since their son had become a complete wreck, but of course they didn't know so. They didn't know how much I'd been through these past few months, didn't know I'd tried to take my life, hell, they didn't even know I wasn't participating in Seventeen's activities because I wasn't in the mental state to do so anymore.

All they knew was that their precious son had been diagnosed with gastritis and therefore needed some time for recovery at home. So basically, they knew nothing but lies.

I couldn't find the courage to let them in on the truth either.

Which is why I was filled with a great amount of guilt as I stayed with my family, hating how they kept talking about how proud they were of me, how much they kept bragging about me when talking to their friends and neighbors, how much they loved and cherished me and how happy they were to have me back home.

It was all too much.

"You're not feeling so good, are you?", my little brother asked me on my third day at home, clearly having realized that something about me was off: "And I'm not speaking about the gastritis thing, you know. Actually, you've always been kind of quiet but Hyung, it's like you've stopped talking altogether."

I didn't even answer him.

"You don't have to tell me about it if you don't want to but did you have a fight with your members or something?", Bohyuk questioned, clearly worried. And maybe it was the way he stared at me, maybe the whole lot of guilt I was feeling when looking at him or maybe just the deep desire to let at least someone around me know what was happening. 

But I actually answered him truthfully.

"I didn't have a fight with them, Bohyuk", I started, hesitating a little before continuing: "But I did something much worse than that, you know? I did something horrible to all of them and I'm still doing it, yet I can't stop myself. I just can't stop and I don't know why."

My brother only looked at me, confused by my words.

"I fell in love with one of them, Bohyuk", I explained to him, chuckling a little as his eyes grew large: "Yeah, that's right. Your Hyung fell in love with another guy, doesn't that disgust you?"

He didn't answer, clearly too shocked to do so.

"I've actually been in love with him for over a year now and he's been using that for his advantage ever since", I told Bohyuk, smiling sadly at the ugly truth: "First he treated me like and made me go through hell because of it, then he pretended to love me back. And you know what's the best part of it? He actually only did that so that I would be willing to do some fanservice with him. Just for a little bit of fanservice, for nothing but fanservice, he-"

I couldn't speak further, suddenly feeling suffocated by the words that were coming out of my mouth. 

"He made me so happy", I whispered after a moment of silence, looking down: "Mingyu made me so happy back then, Bohyuk. But everything he did to make me feel loved, it was nothing but lies. Nothing but an act."

I didn't cry.

Not even half an hour later when I told my brother about the reason why I'd been sent back home, not even when I let him know that I had tried to take my life. I didn't feel anything anymore as I simply spoke about everything, chuckling at myself for having become such a pathetic human being.

Even when Bohyuk shed a great amount of tears and kept apologizing to me for not having known about my circumstances, for not having been there for me, even then I couldn't bring myself to cry anymore.

Because crying had become way too stressful.
______

A/N: Remember when Wonwoo was back at home during his absence?? It was around the beginning of 'Very Nice' promotions. This chapter takes place around that time (end of June/ beginning of July). 

I'm not entirely happy with this chapter but I guess an author is never completely satisfied haha

Thanks for reading this chapter and merry Christmas everyone! I hope you're all having a great time with your loved ones and enjoying your holidays :) please eat well and don't forget to rest a lot, I love you guys!