Kyungsoo - Truth
Chasing Rainbows
"You don't control my life Irene! You never have and you certainly never will!"
"You can't tell them about this Kyungsoo! They won't understand!"
"How will I know unless I tell them? How will they ever understand me if I don't tell them this about myself!" Kyungsoo stormed out of the house, his step-sister chasing after him as he paced away in his anger.
"He's no good for you!" Irene shouted after him as the door slammed shut behind them and Kyungsoo stormed down their driveway, "He's a playboy - someone like that won't ever be faithful! You deserve better!"
Kyungsoo spun to face his sister, throwing his hands up in the air incredulously, "When have you ever said or done anything that was purely for my own good!"
"How can you say that?!" Irene snapped, her voice strained as shock overcame her delicate features, eyes dancing with a mixture of hurt and anger, "You're the person I care about most in this world!"
"Sure sounds like it when you won't even let me come out to our parents!" Kyungsoo laughed sarcastically, "That's exactly what a caring sister does!"
"I'm only telling you what everyone else is too scared to say!"
Something in that sentence made Kyungsoo finally snap. For the better part of his life he'd been in his sister's shadow, her puppy-dog that followed her around, doing whatever she saw fit - but no more. Kyungsoo was happy. In spite of all the going on, and the that continued to run through his mind, he was actually happy. Or at the very least, he'd finally found something that brought some happiness into his life. In any case, he wasn't about to let Irene take that away from him.
"You know what?" he turned to face his sister, "Everyone is too scared to tell you this, but I will because God-dammit I actually love you. Sehun probably did have feelings for you. But the second he found out about what you did, he went and slept with someone else in Japan. Although I'm sure that, unlike you, he didn't choose the worst person in the world to lose his ity to!"
He regretted the words as soon as he'd said it, but it was too late. Siblings always ended up saying the worst thing possible when they fought, finding new and cruel things to throw at one another in the heat of the moment, all to cause pain - Kyungsoo was no exception to this, and it turned out to be the only thing that actually shut Irene up. Only problem being, Kyungsoo didn't feel any better for saying it - in fact, it made him feel even worse.
Irene's face dropped, her eyes swarming in something that could only be whatever heartbreak still held sway over her, still made her feel weak inside and brought her walls up on the outside. It was bad enough reminding her of everything that had gone wrong in her love life recently, but much worse of Kyungsoo to remind her of the one mistake that continued to haunt her to this day. Yet that didn't detract from the anger he felt right now. Why should any of that mean that Kyungsoo shouldn't find happiness? Why did her mistakes have to affect him too?
"Look." he sighed, seeing the broken look on his sister's pretty face, trying to be a bit more diplomatic in his approach, "Stop trying to meddle in my relationship. I can handle myself. You need to try and fix yours, before it's too late."
This time, when he walked away, Irene didn't bother following him.
Kyungsoo hated how much he and his sister had been fighting recently; it was as whilst things in their lives had spiraled more and more out of control, the two siblings only ever seemed to take it out on each other. It was draining to say the least; Kyungsoo didn't have it in him to continue sparring with his sister like this, not whilst he still struggled with his own mind, and especially not whilst his relationship was showing cracks.
The walk to Kai's house was the only thing that could help clear the noise in his mind - yet Kai represented yet another set of problems that Kyungsoo had no idea how to confront. It had been well over a month since Kora took off; it was almost April, and their final assignments were looming, with exams only another few months away. Highschool and adolescence was fleeting, yet everything seemed to be at a standstill.
Kai had been a complete mess since one best friend ran away, whilst another was currently in an institution after tragically trying to hurt herself last week. It was normal for Kai not to turn up to school sometimes, normal for him not to pick up the phone when Kyungsoo tried to call, but what really made Kyungsoo fear for his boyfriend, was Kai's refusal to dance. The one constant in Kai's life, the very thing that kept him sane and afloat, was the one thing he'd refused to do since all of this had happened. The very thing that propelled Kai towards his future and his dream, was the very thing he couldn't bring himself to do anymore.
Kyungsoo understood this, in a way. He knew himself from his own, ongoing battle with his mind and emotions, that bringing yourself to perform, and channel emotions was often a daunting, and frankly, exhausting task. Hell, it was often difficult enough for Kyungsoo to get out of bed when he was having what he called a 'slump' in his mental health. But for so long, Kyungsoo never had a person to stand by and encourage him, a person who could give him his voice when he'd lost the will to find it himself; he knew what he would've given to have had someone to stand by and support him before things got worse and he'd started to hurt himself.
He'd met Kai when he'd been on the back-end of that, when the scars had started to heal but still remained across his arms to remind him. Kai had been so supportive, so understanding of Kyungsoo's suffering, and had never made him feel like a project or someone who needed 'saving'. It was simply the knowing that he was worthwhile, and that he was loved, that drew him away from the desire of ever hurting himself again, and Kai had helped him see that in himself, and it was because of that, that Kyungsoo loved him.
But even that wasn't so simple. Falling in love wasn't some magic, overnight fix for the pain and torment that Kyungsoo had been drowning in for the past year; if anything, it both complicated and simplified things. Whilst having someone to talk to, someone to have and to love unconditionally was beautifully intense in its own way, it also brought with it a terrible danger; the danger of showing one's innermost colours and soul, and having that exposure become the ultimate undoing. There was always the constant fear of relapsing, of getting bad again, that loomed over Kyungsoo and over their relationship; it was like standing in the middle of a hurricane and using every inch of your being not to get swept away. With all the emotions that came with being in love, could one truly feel all the bliss, without any sorrow?
Kyungsoo knew for quite some time he was completely and utterly in love with Kai - how could he not be at this point? Yet he wondered how far both of them would be willing to go in their love, when they were both in so much pain. This entire time it was Kai who'd been a guiding light, a beacon, for Kyungsoo's darkness, and now it was his turn to be the same - only Kyungsoo wasn't sure if he had it in him.
Walking up to the side entrance of Kai's house, his older brother Heechul opened the door, offering nothing but a look of pity.
"Good timing you're here," he said as he ushered Kyungsoo inside, "He's not eaten. I've heard nothing but crying and sadboi music playing from his room all day."
"Oh," Kyungsoo said awkwardly, putting his hands in his pockets as he stepped inside, "Is it alright if I go up?"
Heechul merely nodded, before heading into the living room where he was watching old re-runs of America's Next Top Model.
Yet Heechul wasn't wrong; Kyungsoo could only hear the faints sounds of ballad music from Kai's room, and when he stepped inside, only the faint sound of running water. Kyungsoo stepped into Kai's bathroom to see Kai sat down underneath the running shower, dressed in his white t-shirt and boxers from the night before, curled up and crying into his arms.
Kyungsoo's heart dropped at there mere sight of this. There was something so intrinsically wrong about Kai crying, as if it defied the mere laws of the universe for the the boy he loved to be upset in this way. Kyungsoo removed his clothes, getting into just his white under-shirt and pants to sit with his boyfriend; it didn't matter that the water was freezing, he just wanted to be with Kai.
Silence passed between them for a moment as they both melted into each other beneath the ice-cold water, Kai's whimpering barely audible underneath the peaceful sounds of the running water. Kyungsoo just held onto Kai, their fingers interlocked as Kai rested his head on his shoulder, Kyungsoo resting his head on Kai's.
No matter how horrible the situation was, this felt right. The two of them belonged together in this way. They just worked. If the world around them went up in flames, Kyungsoo would be happy to just be with Kai like this.
"Why...why does it rain on people who deserve the sun?" Kai mumbled in between tearful whimpers.
Kyungso didn't what to say. What could he say? All he could do now was listen, and hold onto the boy he loved.
But it was Kai who moved. He reached up to switch off the shower, bringing his hand down to brush Kyungsoo's hair out of his eyes, staring into him with those brown orbs that danced with a warm glow in this light. Kai moved in to kiss Kyungsoo, and everything felt normal in that moment. Their lips, so perfect, sealed the words of everything felt between them, bringing everything in the world to a standstill around them. It was kisses like these that swept the world up from beneath Kyungsoo's feet and made him soar.
They later lay together on Kai's bed, after drying themselves up, listening to music, staring up at the ceiling as their hands touched and feet tangled with one another. Sure enough they'd been intimate before, but it was most nights and days together that they found themselves just like this. Peaceful, so long as they were together.
"I feel so lost," Kai said quietly as the music played softly over them, "I feel like- like I've failed them both."
"You didn't fail the girls," Kyungsoo replied, trying his best to soothe with his words, "You could never fail them. This was just something completely out of your control. Out of anyone's control."
"But I was supposed to be there for them. Those girls are my sisters. And I couldn't protect them."
Kyungsoo gently took hold of Kai's hand, squeezing it to try and comfort him, yet his heart thudded heavy in his chest, "You know, sometimes we see things happen. Terrible, horrible things, things that we wish would never happen, but can never forget. Just because we see it, it doesn't make us responsible for it. However, I think it's what happens after that we can be responsible for."
Kai sat up suddenly, his hair looking so y and ruffled as he looked at Kyungsoo the way he always did; with dark, curiously amused eyes that made Kyungsoo oh so nervous every time.
"This is a charming new wisdom - where did it come from?"
Kyungso gulped.
"Just a feeling. Intuition."
Kai nodded in what Kyungsoo hoped was understanding. He hoped that Kai couldn't tell he was lying.
You can only offer good wisdom when you experience some things for yourself.
Kyungsoo only wondered if he'd ever be able to heed his own wisdom; everything he was feeling now, all the pain and anguish, it all started almost a year ago, and he still couldn't move past what happened back then.
*
The two stood outside the rehabilitation centre on the edge of Town, a scenic area in the North that stood on a hill and overlooked the sprawling suburbia, separated only by a sprawling woodland area you could only get through via bus or car. The centre was built in the style of old, imperial Korean buildings with blossom gardens and curved roofs, the kind of places you'd go to visit in Seoul for Chuseok or if you were a tourst. Kyungsoo wondered what fortune Sulli's parents must have paid to send their daughter here, and whether or not the money was actually worthwhile.
Kyungsoo looked over at Kai, his hair, now dark brown, blew across his eyes in the wind, his face distant and pensive, making him look like a young James Dean in his leather jacket.
How on earth is someone like that in a relationship with me? Of all people?
Kyungsoo forced the thoughts away - he was here for Kai, and for Sulli.
Yet he didn't get to offer much comfort for his boyfriend, as Luhan walked up to them, and Kai immediately lunged at him, shoving him on the floor.
"Kai, stop!" Kyungsoo held his boyfriend back, Kai immediately calming and relaxing under his touch.
"What the hell man?!" Luhan complained as he sat up from the floor, clearly winded from the surprise attack.
"This was your fault!" Kai shouted at Luhan, not without trying to lurch forward again in his rage. Kyungsoo held onto his boyfriend tighter, regardless of his shock at seeing Kai so angry for the first time.
"Kai, don't-" Kyungsoo started, but Kai wasn't stopping.
"She was- she was fine! She had control! But you just- you gave up on her- you- you meddled with her feelings! And now she's- now she's-" Kai was exasperated, and couldn't even finish his sentence as he paced backwards, only to crumble and slump on the floor, sitting there like a child as he buried his face into his hands.
Kyungsoo's heart ached more than anything to see Kai like this. One would think he would've been used to seeing Kai like this after everything, but it never failed to stab at Kyungsoo in new and excruciating ways. Kai shouldn't be like this, it was simply wrong for him to be so torn in this way. But he also knew that was Kai was saying was also intrinsically wrong. Sulli had been unwell for a long time - she needed to be here. Yet now wasn't the time to tell Kai that difficult truth. Kyungsoo leaned down to place an arm over Kai reassuringly, fighting through his own pain to give his boyfriend strength.
Meanwhile, Luhan brushed himself down as he stood up, "Look. I have no reason to expect anything but hatred from you right now. But you didn't exactly go see her either."
"Luhan stop." Kyungsoo snapped, "No one needs to be hearing this right now, it's not good for anyone. It doesn't matter what happened. Sulli is here now, and she's safe. What matters is that we are all there for her now."
Luhan seemed disgruntled at Kyungsoo's words, but didn't protest. Kyungsoo moved to help Kai stand up, to which Kai offered him a silent look of gratitude.
"I'm sorry," Kai sniffled, "I shouldn't have done that. I just- I feel like I've failed her, you know?"
"No, I get it," Luhan sighed, stepping closer to the two of them, "I feel it too. But it's not our fault. It's not even her fault. Kyungsoo's right. We just have to make sure we're there for her from now on."
Kai nodded in agreement.
The three of them were met by a receptionist, who'd come outside with a look of disapproval on her face, before turning to Luhan, "Young man, I know you come to visit your friend every day since she joined us, but you can't come inside if you're likely to start fighting - okay?"
Kai blushed at being told off by the worker, and Luhan offered only sincere apologies, before they were led inside. After filling out a guest book and being given security-passes, the three were led through the facility.
If this was supposed to institution for mental rehabilitation, Kyungsoo would never have been be able to tell. It felt more like a luxury spa resort, with its traditional Korean interior, the faint smell of lemongrass in the air as soothing music played in the entry hallway. Even just being in the entrance, Kyungsoo felt peaceful, zen even. This feeling didn't stop once they entered the main facility and saw all the other wonders that were on offer; there was a huge swimming pool, not like the ones at a public pool, but ornate and tastefully decorated, with a steam room and sauna dotted along the side; they walked by a huge arts and craft studio where a elderly woman stood on a platform in the middle of a group painters (Kyungsoo couldn't help but blush seeing that), among other art areas for pottery, scultping and even an area for textile work; they walked down a hallway, with a set of double doors on one side with a light-up sign above it that said movie-theatre, and past that, a set of glass doors that offered a peek into a library stacked full of countless volumes.
So the money really is worth it after all...
It was hardly believable that a place like this truly existed in their town of all places. Sure enough their big town had basic amenities like a small theatre, shops, an arcade and public library, but it was the peak of modern suburbia - anything worthwhile would be found a short train journey away in Seoul. That people who were unwell had everything at their disposal under this one roof was a complete liberty. Kyungsoo wondered if his parents would ever send him somewhere like this if they discovered what he'd been doing to himself this past year.
"Sulli's currently enjoying some quiet time in the greenhouse; you should find her in the gazebo." the worker informed them as they approached a large set of glass double-doors at the end of the hallway, "I'll come check on you boys in thirty-minutes."
Yet what Kyungsoo expected to be a standard, home conservatory, was quite the opposite; the three of them stepped into an enormous conservatory, the size of which reminded Kyungsoo of a trip to Kew Gardens in London from his childhood. It was like a magical garden with trees and plants of all sorts of sizes and colours, the climate a comfortable level of humid as Luhan led them down the winding path in the middle, the faint trickle of water down a tiny stream nearby and the sounds of insects the only audible thing. They were no longer in their ty hometown, but rather trecking through a tropical jungle on a journey to discover some hidden treasure or forgotten knowledge. It almost made Kyungsoo want to live here.
Sulli was a vision of serenity as she sat under the ornate gazebo, lounging in a rocking chair with a large pair of kitten-shaped headphones over her head, reading a book.
Catcher in the Rye, Kyungsoo noticed as they got closer.
She looked healthier; slightly less thin and frail, the colour having come back to her skin, a rosy tint to her cheeks as she gently bopped her head along to whatever music she was listening to. And as they came into sight, a brilliant smile formed on her face. Only instead of speaking, she reached out to a notepad and marker pen on the table next to her.
Sulli began writing furiously as they stepped into the gazebo, before flipping the pad over.
"You're all here! My heart is truly warm with you three here. Please don't look sad. We can all be happy here."
"What's up with the notepad?" Kai asked amusedly as he moved to hug his best friend, Sulli reaching up with thin arms but offering a smile like sunshine.
"It's an exercise they do here." Luhan explained, "Half a day's silence."
Sulli quickly wrote on her pad: "It's so I can find peace with my inner voice."
Sounds like my worst nightmare.
Sulli held up the pad again; "You should all try it, it's actually incredibly refreshing." She then offered Kyungsoo a knowing look as he read her words.
Even after trying to hurt herself, Sulli never ceases to be all-knowing.
Of course, Kyungsoo couldn't help also feel a sense of guilt at seeing Sulli here; ever since that night at the club in Seoul, where they'd all participated in reckless, uncharacteristic hedonism, Sulli had slowly become undone. It would've been easy to just say that some people simply should never do drugs, but with Sulli it seemed more complex, as if it deepened the cracks in her mind that had already been there. He'd wished so badly that he'd made the effort to check up on her, or at the very least, had been more assertive in getting Kai to go visit Sulli when she hadn't bothered showing up at school
Kyungsoo was grateful that his dabbling hadn't done the same to him, considering his mental state - yet at the same time, he wondered what exactly was happening to him inside.
"Nice book you're reading," Luhan gestured to her copy of Catcher in the Rye.
Sulli showed her writing: "It's truly wonderful. The main character is pretty nuts. He reminds me of Baekhyun."
Kyungsoo couldn't help but let out an inappropriately loud laugh at this - having read the book for his Literature class, he too, saw this uncanny parallel. He felt almost guilty for laughing so loudly in this temple of peace, shrugging off the strange look he received from Luhan.
"Well, it looks like Baekhyun may finally get to cash in his get out of jail free card," Luhan smiled, with hopefulness in his voice, "His hearing is this Friday. Chanyeol, Sehun, Kris, even Wendy - we've all prepared character statements to read. Luna thinks he's gonna' be just fine."
Kyungsoo felt a wave of relief at this, and so did Sulli - Kyungsoo didn't like seeing someone he'd known since he was a little kid end up in trouble like this; Baekhyun had always been a high-energy kid growing up, yet this turned into erratic, violent behaviour after his mother so tragically passed away. It wasn't right that someone who'd had such a sad past end up this way, he didn't deserve it, regardless of the fact they weren't even that close these days. Kyungsoo had always got along with Baekhyun well, considering the time they used to spend together in choir sessions as little kids, yet had only distanced himself from him ever since went down between him and Irene last year.
Maybe him getting out of jail will only piss her off even more...not that I would complain about that...
Sulli seemed joyed at this too; after all, Baekhyun was the only one in their year who
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