Seungcheol's mind was a mess. Everything around him was a blur and voices were nothing but soft buzzes in his ears. All he had in mind was Jeonghan. Jeonghan. He held onto Jeonghan's hand tighter, his eyes stinging, feeling his tears threatening to fall. He tries to smile, tries to look tough, strong because Jeonghan is staring at him. He's staring at him as he's being rushed to the emergency room. Seungcheol smiles, holding Jeonghan's warm hands in his, never taking his eyes off him. Jeonghan tries to return the smile, but he can't. Tries to squeeze Seungcheol's hand, but he can't. And it hurts. It hurts inside, in his heart. It hurts inside to see Seungcheol so wrecked, so broken, knowing its all because of him.

Seungcheol never lets go, doesn't want to. Even when the doctors push him out the door of the E.R., he stubbornly forces to go in, holding onto Jeonghan's hand. He feels arms stop him from following, sees his friends pull him back, telling him to stop. But he doesn't want to let go, not now when Jeonghan needs him most, not now when he's in so deep. He'll never let go, he won't. But Jeonghan does. He does, and it hurts them both. Jeonghan tries to tell Seungcheol it's fine, hopes Seungcheol can see it in his eyes, and he does. Jeonghan breathes deep, watching the doors close.

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Seungcheol stood there for several minutes, just staring at the white doors where Jeonghan was taken. He turns around and walks away. His footsteps are heavy, his head hung low. He enters the chapel, makes his way to the back and lets the silence surround him.

Why? He asks. Why did it have to be now? Why did it have to be Jeonghan? Seungcheol sobs, finally letting his tears fall. His shoulders are shaking and whimpers are coming out of his lips.

Please, he begs. Please make him live. Help him. Please. Seungcheol prays hard, hoping that there's someone listening to him. He's not religious, not at all. But he's desperate. He's desperate and he'd do anything to save Jeonghan. Seungcheol stays there, crying and praying, begging for Jeonghan's recovery.

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"Hyung, you have to eat."

Seungcheol doesn't answer. When he had calmed down from his breakdown in the chapel he went back to where Joshua and the other's were waiting. He's been sitting there for a few minutes, hours, Seungcheol doesn't know, doesn't care. All he thinks is when will Jeonghan come out of those doors.

Then suddenly they opened. The doors opened, a doctor coming out. Everyone's attention was on him.

"You... You can see him now." The doctor says, not looking at any of them in the eye.

Seungcheol stood up, walked inside the room with unsteady steps. His friends are behind him, afraid as to what they'll see inside. 

Jeonghan was there, lying on the hospital bed, machines attached to him. He was so pale, almost as white as the sheets beneath him. Seungcheol stood beside him, carefully holding his hands. They were hot, burning hot but at the same time cold. Seungcheol can't tell. Seungcheol looks at him in the eye, Jeonghan returns it. His eyes were half-lidded, barely open, as if opening them was such a difficult task for him. Seungcheol smiles at him, rubbing small circles on Jeonghan's hands.

And then he feels Vernon's hands on his shoulders, he leans in and whispers something. Seungcheol's smile falters, he looks around with questions in his eyes which the doctor answered with a small nod.

No, he says. This can't be happening. His insides are in a chaos again. Much much more than before and his hands shake with the tremor of sadness he's feeling. He looks at Jeonghan again, locking their gazes. His grip on Jeonghan's hand tightens. He brings his shaking hand to Jeonghan's face, tucking his hair behind his ear.

"When I first saw you, I honestly thought you were a girl." Seungcheol teases, cracking a grin.

Jeonghan could've laughed, if only he had the strength to do so, but he doesn't so he just stares at Seungcheol.

"And then I saw you under t