chapter xxii | this moment

Jaewon's farewell became another reminder among many of how deplorable everything had become. And it all seemed to be building up towards an event that Hayi couldn't even think about without feeling sick.

So that night when she had returned home, both hollow and disappointed at being unable to find Hanbin and bumping into Jaewon instead, her mother's intimidating face at the door almost felt like nothing.

With hardly any words—not that she needed it—her mother banished her back into her room and to be grounded with no phone whatsoever for the rest of the week.

Hayi barely cared at that point. Going straight home from school without being able to hang out with her friends didn't feel like the end of the world when the sight of Hanbin's empty spot during English and lunch was tormenting itself. Not to mention, he hadn't gotten in contact with her or any of their friends.

The worry was eating her alive.

Yet despite this, it was Hayi’s smiles that persisted the most when she saw how downcast their group had become. Jinhwan and Yunhyeong were already doing their best to keep everyone’s spirits up while Bobby took it upon himself to silence anyone that had to say anything about Hanbin in school.

Still, his missing presence left a gaping hole in their circle.

“Hyung’s going to okay, right?” Chanwoo had muttered once as he and Hayi walked to the nearest vending machine. “Even if it looks like he isn't graduating anymore because of what happened…”

They both ended up losers at a game of rock-paper-scissors to fetch everyone a drink. Hayi didn’t mind, but more so now that Chanwoo seemed to have seen the opportunity to speak his mind.

“Of course,” was Hayi’s automatic response. She agreed that this wasn’t an easy pill to swallow as seniors but, “everything will be fine and so will he.”

The smile on her face hurt.

Chanwoo was right. It looked like the school wasn’t letting Hanbin back to school any time soon and they already started preparing for their finals. At this point, there was only one conclusion left. They’re going to make Hanbin repeat.

Chanwoo bent down to gather the bottles from the machine opening. When he stood up again, he nodded a little.

“Right…” That admiration on his face returned, bright and renewed. “Hyung has always been a hard-worker anyway. Even if he did have to repeat, he’ll do it. Easy!”

Chanwoo had looked less sad and relieved as he said this as if that was all he needed to remind himself. And Hayi realised it was the same for her.

After knowing what Hanbin had endured so far, whatever he has been getting up to during his suspension, Hayi was sure he was persisting with the same drive he had from the very start. She just had to have faith, just like Chanwoo did.

After another long day of revision classes, a text she sent to Jinwoo finally received a response. Her thoughts instantly scattered at the sight of it that she reread the text again and again as if she couldn’t believe it was real.

Yet instead of being grateful as she should have been to get a reply at all, the curt he’s doing fine on the screen didn’t satisfy her as it should have. Not when Hayi knew their warped version of fine.

Hanbin could be black and blue thanks to Nam Taehyun and they’d call him fine. She trusted Jinwoo as their doctor but still.

How about his mental health? His feelings?

If Hayi was turning into a wreck each day because of the impending fight, then what about Hanbin, who was training behind his mother’s back while his future remained uncertain?

“…I’m part of something terrible, Yi. Something that can get me kicked out of school and disowned by my family in two seconds flat. Criminals can’t become heroes.”

This attitude along with her last talk with Jaewon had always bothered her. This bleak perception they had of their future, acting as if they had none.

She understood where they were coming from but Hayi couldn’t bear the thought for either of them.

Just because the world wronged them and they resorted to dangerous means didn’t mean it was all they had. There could be more to their lives than fighting for money and glory. Hanbin could just come back next year and nothing stopped Jaewon from applying for university again.

Suddenly restless and angry at the two men, Hayi slammed her textbooks closed and tapped dial. These thoughts and Jinwoo’s half-assed reply was infuriating.

A sigh answered her sixth call.

“Hayi…”

“Where is he?”

Another sigh. “If I was allowed to tell you, I would’ve told you ages ago,” Jinwoo replied.

“Jinwoo, please. I just need to make sure he’s okay! The fight is very soon and I haven’t seen him at all!”

“I already told you, Hanbin is—”

“Fine? Physically, sure,” Hayi snapped. “But that’s not enough and you know it! Do you guys even realise the pressure you’re putting on him? Hanbin is not just some killing machine you are all making him out to be! He has friends in school missing him, a little sister and a mother waiting at home—damn it, I just need to know if he really is okay, okay?”

She didn’t mean to explode and especially not at Jinwoo, who was the nicest out of all of them. If he was Mino, she would’ve been less sorry.

There were a few seconds of silence before she heard him hang up but not before another apology: “I’m really sorry, Hayi.”

Hayi almost threw her phone at the wall. She almost woke her mother up next door with her whisper-shouting and still, Jinwoo did not relent.

She was about to release a cry of frustration when her phone vibrated on her bed. It was an unknown number calling her.

She picked it up with little hesitation but still did not expect Chaeyoung’s chirp in her ear.

“B.I took a break half an hour ago and hasn’t returned since. I think Taehyun has been calling him, but I don’t know.” Before Hayi’s brain could catch up, Chaeyoung continued. “I’m only helping you because I actually like you, Lee Hayi-unni. You totally had Jinwoo flustered after that. Good luck!”

The call ended.

Hayi put a hand on her head and took a second. Promising to thank the girl later, she rushed out of the house.

Her mother had already retired early from a long shift and getting caught was not as likely when she was probably sleeping like a log. Sure, this is the second time her daughter would sneak out but Hayi was passed that and the consequences.

She had to find Hanbin.

Believe it or not, Hanbin’s temper didn’t always screw him over in the last eighteen years of his life.

In fact, there had been a time in middle school when he had temporarily become popular because of it—for the first and the last time.

Back then, Hanbin was seen as a protective ‘older brother’ because his intimidating presence gave their class a shield from others. Looking back now, the class was probably just using him whenever it benefitted them because they often excused him when other students called him out for it.

That was until ninth grade.

There was a talent show that year for the arts festival and everyone took it seriously. Each class seemed to be extra ambitious because things really got heated: ideas were hush-hush and practices were held outside the school grounds in fear of copying each other.

A week before the festival, someone from their class found out that the class next door was using the same song for their act. Their class representative wasn’t very happy about it and sent Hanbin with a couple of others to ‘negotiate’.

It didn’t end well, and the details became blurred but Hayi knew one thing: Hanbin had been one of the few that got into serious trouble. Though no one ended up in the infirmary, it was a confrontation gone wrong because Hanbin’s actions to protect himself and the others were seen as a vicious attack and none of their classmates backed him up.

That was when his reputation took a serious plunge. Instead of defending himself, Hanbin succumbed to the humiliation and distanced himself. He had missed the festival that year.

It was after that incident Hayi realised how vulnerable Hanbin can really be; how other people could use him easily. First, Principal Lee and now with Song Mino.

Nothing has changed.

The skyline that sat along Han River seemed to stretch on forever, blinking busily against the evening sky. The waters shimmered and as Hayi walked along its edge, exhaustion made dry and scratchy.

She had no idea how long she had been wandering, shivering against the cold as she trekked on, searching for a glimpse of Hanbin’s face. He wasn’t in any of the places they frequented with their friends. Not in the basketball court by Bobby’s place or their favourite park near Myeongdong.

Almost at her wit’s end, she made a pathetic slump on a nearby bench, debating whether she should just catch the next ride home. Searching Seoul like this for him was not possible.

Should she call Jinwoo? Ask for help? Surely, they were looking for him too, right?

After sending Jinwoo a quick message, she forced herself to take in the beauty of the scenery surrounding her and let it clear her head for a bit.

A ferry sailing across the black waters honked out loud. Hayi took another breath.

Watching it swim away, a memory stirred from the depths of her mind. This felt familiar. This defeated feeling as she watched this very scene of the Han River stretched in front of her. Except now, it was dark and not just before the sun dipped into the horizon.

It had been warmer then too and the seagulls’ cries were loud in the air.

“Do you know how long I’ve been looking for you?”

“Sorry.”

“Just what are you doing all the way out here?”

“I don’t know. Hiding, I guess.”

Hayi was back up on her feet before she realised it. Slowly, she was moving again before breaking out into a run, uncaring for the looks she garnered. There was one last place she hadn’t checked.

Of course, she thought as she ran.

How could she forget? That one time when everybody turned their backs on him and he ran away to escape it all? He had missed the festival that day, wanting to avoid their judgemental eyes and it was only Hayi who looked for him.

It was the first time she snuck out of school.

Before Hayi even reached that secluded part of the river, she found his unmistakable form, sitting on the grass, facing the waters the same way he had done all those years ago.

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