“Do you mind telling me what the hell is going on between us, because I know it isn’t just me, but you’ve been acting strange lately? You’ve never lashed out at anyone like that. Who do you think you are?”

            “I think- no, I know- that I’m in love with you, but this whole scandal thing has definitely put a strain on everything that I wanted to do. What am I going to do with you?”

            “What are you going to do with me? What on Earth do you mean? I’m not even with you and this whole thing has got me just wanting to go back home,” you grumbled, crossing your arms across your chest.

            “I know you’re not, but I wish you were. I just want to be able to live for a little bit,” he replied, almost pleadingly as he stared up at you. “Why does Sandeul get such a happy ending with Alex and here I am struggling to even get close to you. Look, this scandal is hard for all of us and I don’t think you can even think of how hard it is for me to watch the girl I’m developing feelings for branded as a monster from the ones we thought were fans. I’m so sorry even though this is not my fault.” You sighed.

            “I know, but this is my fault. I’m the one who started all of this.”

            “It’s not. We’re all a part of this now. You, me, Shinwoo, Alex, all of us.”

            “Then, what do you mean it’s your fault?”

            “We all go down together,” he shrugged.

            “And what was that? Some sort of confession, just now?”

            “Take it as you may. I like you and there’s nothing I can do about it, but at this point, it’s like you’re already betrothed to someone else.”

            “Gongchan, it’s not that serious,” you tried to assure him.

            “But when you see the one you love walk away from you with someone else, it’s that serious,” he sighed dismally. “I’m not trying to sway you one way or another, but I’m just letting you know.”

            As if I needed anything more to think about. I always knew, but I didn’t want to believe it. I don’t want to believe any of it.

            “And that’s enough, Gongchan. Stop giving her so much unnecessary stress,” Shinwoo interjected sternly. You looked up to see him in the doorway of the hall, his eyes striking yet dull. He stared at you, coolly and then at the younger member. “He’s just kidding, Lenena. Don’t take anything he says seriously. It’s been a long night and all of us are a little tired. Can’t think very straight, you know. However, I do need to talk to you,” he addressed you calmly yet in a monotone manner. You felt the guilt wash over you again, this time stronger and deeper than ever. You could only hold eye contact with him for so long, no more than 2 seconds or so as he waltzed over to you, ever so slowly. He glanced at the anxious Gongchan on the couch, reprimanding him with silence. “Now, you should apologize and get to bed, Gongchan,” he ordered, not making a suggestion in the least. You looked at the boy in front of you, feeling his heart break as if you had squeezed it in your hand yourself, as if you had stabbed it without remorse. Yet, it was Shinwoo, or the shell of Shinwoo that was taking you away from the puppy of a boy in front of you, nearly dragging you away from yet another mess you couldn’t help but to take credit for. “Come with me,” he growled as you put up some type of resistance, not wanting to leave the youngest member alone. You wish you could tell him that it was ok, whether he was kidding or not, but you were never one to make promises that you couldn’t keep. It wasn’t ok- not  the way that Shinwoo was taking you away, not the way your heart beat out of your chest, not the way that your mind swelled with terrible emotions, not the way that you thought the rest of the night would go, not the way you wished you could disappear. You mouthed a soft “goodbye” to the youngest member as if it were your choice to abandon him.

            “And what was that for?” you asked, narrowing your eyes at the eldest member as the two of you sat in the dimly lit bedroom.

            “I didn’t like what he was saying to you,” he replied nonchalantly.
            “And what do you care? It’s not like you meant to do anything. If I didn’t know any better, for the last few hours, it was almost as if you didn’t care that I existed at all.”

            “And are we not going to talk about the fact that I walked into the bathroom to get you? Are we not going to talk about the promise I made to you?”

            “You also made a promise to the fans that you would never date, that you would never hurt them,” you reminded him coolly.

            “And look at where that landed us. Also, don’t act like it doesn’t benefit you,” he replied.

            “O yeah, this is great, just being hounded by the media, not being able to sleep because I know that I got all of you in trouble, not being able to make peace with myself. Some benefits,” you scoffed. He scooted closer to you on the bed. You flinched and inched away from him. He grabbed your forearm, forcing you to turn back to look at him. You only averted your gaze.

            “Who’s to say that there isn’t a silver lining?”

            “I don’t see much of that. All I see are rain clouds at the moment. What’s more is this bipolarism you’re pulling on me and I just can’t. Tell me exactly what the hell is going on with you, Shin Dongwoo or I just won’t be able to do this. My patience, my good spirits, everything is stretched beyond repair,” you scolded him. “I’m tired of all the games and it seems like you are taking this a lot better than I am. Must be nice to be used to all of this and all the publicity. Look at me and then look at you. How do you think I am supposed to feel about this? Moreover, you act like you’re mad at me only to do- to do, w-whatever the hell this is. What game are you trying to play with me, Dongwoo.”

            “Who said I was mad?”

            “Well, you certainly aren’t all smiles like you were yesterday or the day before or whatever ing day it was back in America that my life ended.”

            “You act like I can take this any easier. We’ve never had a scandal before and I would appreciate it if you didn’t yell at me like this,” he admitted.

            “Well then, what makes it any better for you to yell at people, yourself? There’s no excuse for that, Shinwoo, so try me,” you reprimanded him. “We’re all struggling here and all this infighting won’t make it any better. Also, what is this act like you own me or something? Don’t tell me that you’re jealous of Gongchan.”

            “I’m just trying to protect you.”

            “From what? I’ve already hit rock bottom so what else is. And again, what is this sudden act that you know what’s best for me? Last time I checked, you were just being selfish.”

            “Look, I like you,” he began.

            “No, you used to, but now, I don’t know what to call this, Shinwoo. Help me out here because I’m lost.” He leaned over you that his other arm was trapping you. He looked up at you before pushing you gently back on the bed. “No, Shinwoo, no,” you protested, pushing him off of you only because it caught him off guard. He looked up at you and blinked, still shocked. You looked at him, not moved. “Tell me what the hell this is because I refuse to be your toy, your anything.”

            “How about just being my love?” he blurted out.

            “You say that as if there isn’t a crowd of fangirls waiting outside to rip me apart limb from limb, and again, what about Gongchan?” you asked, worried.

            “And what about him? I thought I was your favorite and I thought you only loved me?” he asked, his eyes widening as you saw the tears well up at the corners.

            “I do love Gongchan, but not the way that you think, but nonetheless, that doesn’t give you the right to treat him or any of the others like trash. Now, tell me again what the hell is happening. I’m not going to ask again.”

            “You don’t have to because I’m asking you this time. Please, can you just stay with me?”

            “Which you? The one that I thought I would fall in love with, the one sitting before here pleading like a puppy or the one that ditches his responsibility when things get too difficult? I don’t know which one is you anymore, but I know that I am done with all of them at this point.”

            “Are you really? Please, please, d-don’t say that,” he pleaded, curling his back to you.

            “If you really cared, you wouldn’t be this way. I’m sorry, this just isn’t-“

            “How ‘bout I make it up to you?”

            “And how are you going to do that?”

            “Let me take you somewhere.”

            “And what good will that do, considering the last time you did that, a storm came upon us all. I just- I just don’t think that I can do this.”

            “Well, then, let’s do this here then.” You raised an eyebrow and sat up only to stare down at him. You sighed.

            “You’re not going to stop this game until you get what you want, are you?” Your words cut through his like ice, yet he was ablaze with guilt as he stared at you pinching the bridge of your nose.

            “Just wait here,” he assured you. “I’m going to make us a meal and then we can talk and we can jus-“, he rambled before stopping himself, a bright smile finally playing on his features. You cringed internally at the beauty of his eye smile, but you knew you couldn’t feel anything. How you wanted to, how you wished you could hold him. How you wished this could mean anything at all to you. But wishes weren’t always meant to come true, not for you and not for him. You could hear him humming in the kitchen, hear the laughter and small talk of the other members, you could hear Alex entering your room and you could hear your heart finally calm.

            “No questions, let’s go,” you stated simply. She knew what you meant and with that, the two of you were gone, into the brisk night air of 2 in the morning. The taste of Bingsoo was so much more delightful, the sound of laughter so much more fulfilling, the feel of freedom so much lighter. You knew you couldn’t- wouldn’t- do it again. You couldn’t bring yourself to fall. Not again and not with everyone else.

            “Jagi~-“ he chimed as he entered the threshold of his bedroom. He stared at the spot where you once were. He stared at the space he wished you still were. He felt the spot in the heart that he wished that you were. He would just have to wait, wait to see if you would ever come back to him.