“Oh, calm down, you look great, Mrs. Shin,” Alex chimed as she tugged gingerly at your sparkling maxi dress as you stood on a platform above her. “I think it looks just fine. You worry too much, unnie. You know, the awards are Friday, so you can’t just sit here and badger yourself,” she reminded you.

            “, I know, don’t keep reminding me like that,” you fretted, biting at your nails.

            “Look, what could go wrong? You have a date and it has been surprisingly relatively low at the dorm,” she assured you. “And no biting your nails!” she barked, slapping your hand away. “We have to go get manicures later!”

            “Great, now everything we can think of is going to go wrong now that you said that. Whenever anyone says ‘what could go wrong?’ the world comes crashing down. Thanks for jinxing everything,” you pouted, crossing your arms across your chest.

            “No, you jinxed it and even if you did, we can get through this. Look, let’s just try to have a good time and then we can work things out later. I’m thinking about leaving soon after this anyway,” she admitted, kicking at the ground. Your mouth flew open.

            “What?!” you nearly shrieked in shock. “And when were you going to tell me about this?!” you exclaimed, mind racing.

            “When I was already on a plane back to the states. After what happened, I realized there is just no room for me,” she sighed pitifully.

            “What the actual are you talking about? You’re their choreographer for god’s sake and without you, who knows if they would have gotten the kind of attention they have gotten over the year. You can’t just up and leave like that! Think about how selfish you’re being. What happened to the dream?!”

            “I gave that up when I realized that my dream was not that of the others. You already got your happy ending, Mrs. Shin, but I guess it was just good to have a taste of my own. This whole thing just got a little too complicated,” she rationalized. You had the urge to slap her, but realized that if you tried, the two of you would probably end up on the floor below since your balance wasn’t exceptional normally, let alone when your legs were bound by a dress longer than you were tall.

            “No, my dream was to come to Korea with my best friend and learn everything there was to learn. I wanted to explore the culture and see Kpop from the inside out and that was your dream, too. You’re just willing to throw it all away like that over some silly stuff? We’ve been through a lot worse relationship problems back in the states, so what makes you think that it will be any better over there again?” you countered.

            “I can’t stand hurting the others and you know that. I just don’t think that I belong here anymore, she replied despondently.

            “Look,” you started, stooping ever so carefully to place a hand on her shoulder. “I think the stress is just getting to you. Tough it out until Friday when you accept your award for the best dance of the year award and think about it then. I don’t want you doing anything brash without thinking things all the way through. Is that fair?”
            “I guess so,” she muttered.

            “Plus, we need to do some shopping for you as well, Mrs. Kim Minseok,” you teased, punching her arm slightly. She cracked a smile. “We have to make sure you look stunning for him on Friday. Who knows? You may not even need Sandeul. Who needs him when you have a boy like Minseok?” She glared at you and you smiled knowingly. “Sorry, I meant, when you have a man like Xiumin? I might have to keep an eye on you so I don’t lose you after the ceremony,” you kidded, winking. “Just wait a little longer. Besides, what could go wrong, Mrs. Kim?” you added. “Hold on, let me get out of this dress and get the party started for you, too!” She shook her head at you playfully.

            “But I am the party,” she retorted confidently.

            “That’s the spirit. Keep it up!” you called from the dressing room. “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine, dongsaeng~”

           

            “Will you stop hyperventilating? We’re not even outside the building yet,” Alex pointed out, your hair as you had a near nervous breakdown as you waited for the others to get ready. You had a whole two hours to get to the venue, which would normally only be about twenty minutes away, but the stress was taking its toll on you. You had been unable to sleep the night before and, not wanting to disturb Shinwoo, the other members, or Alex, you sat awake in your bed for hours on end, waiting for the insomnia to make you go insane. You stared into the darkness and, though you had found it relaxing, you knew it was nothing compared to the storm you had dreamed up in your head about today. As Alex played with your hair, your heart threatened to burst from your chest as you ran through the possibilities of the evening. Everything could go swell. The boys could win their awards and mingle with their friends in the industry. You could all go home and relax, the tensions washed away by the euphoria of a shared victory through shared effort. You could fall asleep happily in Shinwoo’s arms as Sandeul and Alex bantered over a late night meal and the other three members fanboyed about who was there or who wasn’t. Everything could be just fine. But then again, it could not be. Your heart anticipated the latter though your mind was trying its hardest to stay impartial. Until it thought about making it to the awards. Shinwoo was going to announce your relationship to the world and the backlash was waiting to whip you. All the same, outwardly, as you picked shards of your sanity and reality off the floor, even Alex had thought you were alright as she stopped twirling your hair and went to finish herself up.

            “Are you feeling better now, baby girl?” Shinwoo asked with a bright smile as he placed a gentle hand on your shoulder. You looked up at him and nodded earnestly, your heart honestly now fully at ease. “I know that it can be a bit nerve-wracking, but just remember, you have me right here with you,” he reminded you before pecking you on the forehead. “By the way, you look beautiful. Peach is most definitely your color. I’ll be sure that when we get married, I order you an elaborate peach hanbok. You really do look gorgeous.” Without a word, you merely grabbed for his hand and stared longingly into his eyes. “I mean it, beautiful. Just a little bit longer and you will be just fine,” he added. “We’ll even have a celebration later.” You hummed in agreement and positive anxiety.

           

 

            “You !” “!” “Ugly !” “Fat cow!” The insults bombarded you like grenades as you tried to skate by the angry crowds that had hoarded around the dorms. “How could you?!” How could you really? How could you look at all the BANAs that waited outside, attacking you, without realizing you were once—still—one of them? How could you really act as if it didn’t bother you that Shinwoo and the others, including Gongchan, had to shield you from the mess that you had helped to create? How could you really continue living like this? How could you really betray them all and all for your own happiness? How could you really not sacrifice yourself for them? As the boys shoved you and Alex into the car and slammed the door shut in an attempt to drown out the insults, you thought for an instance, maybe your happiness wasn’t worth it. Maybe Alex was right and there was just no room for you either. Maybe getting what you wanted was not what you needed. You thanked each member personally for helping the two of you get in and was grateful that you managed to come out without a single physical scratch, but the gashes in your heart were near unbearable. Gongchan and Sandeul refused to acknowledge your thanks, feeling more obliged out of chivalry than mutual respect for you, but all the same, they cracked bland, broken smiles before returning to their own worlds. Alex sat across from you in the limo like van while Jinyoung and Baro were near the front, chattering away with the driver about their excitement over going to the awards for the first time in their long career. Gongchan sat across from Shinwoo but drowned himself in music as Sandeul dozed off, his facial expression twisted into an unwelcoming yet fragile scowl. Shinwoo draped his arm around you and kissed your forehead before smiling brightly at you.

            “Don’t worry about anything. I am right here. Just a little bit longer,” he whispered as you reached for his hand and he promptly squeezed it. You tried finding comfort in his words, but the dismal atmosphere of the van suffocated you and instead, you were more focused on finding an outlet than reveling in your own pleasure.

           

 

 

            “And now, I would like to welcome everyone to the MAMA Awards, 2016~!” the overly cheerful hostess of the red carpet exclaimed to an uproar of applause from the paparazzi and people who had paid entirely too much to be there. “I would like to welcome all the groups and solo artists as well as the management and staff teams for each as they all partake in the best music awards show of the year! Who know who you might find here on the red carpet! Ah, look! Heavyweights, EXO and Super Junior are greeting fans!” she narrated, oblivious to the fact that outside of the glamor and sparkles of the façade, people were miserable and people even inside the industry didn’t know what they were doing with their lives, including yourself. As the fans screamed and cheered, you were back to your own pain for you had finally realized that right there, right then, you were no longer like them on the outside. You were trapped inside a cage that grew ever smaller as your smile was supposed to grow ever bigger—despite the adversity literally being thrown your way. The narrator never bothered to acknowledge B1A4 or the rest of you for the big players never noticed the plights of the smaller ones as long as they continued to look good. You sighed to yourself in disgust as you met with a few BANAs that were actually happy for the seven of you and saw past you as a member of the Kpop world and saw you as a person. You were thankful for that, but your thanks could only extend so far.

            “Ah, if it isn’t the breakout stars of the year and their beautiful choreographer,” another host greeted the seven of you as you were about to head inside. Amidst the cheers and jeers, you couldn’t tell if he had something pleasant or not, but only smiled, feeling relieved once he had shaken hands with all of you, all the while, holding a friendly smile. Alex blushed and the boys got themselves together to smile for the camera. “How is everyone tonight?” he asked genuinely. The boys smiled brighter before replying but you and Alex knew it wasn’t in them. Anyone following the boys knew tensions were high and anyone who could have caught a glimpse into your daily lives would have known everyone was on the verge of killing each other. Instead, the seven of you pretended nothing was wrong, just as the other five had always had to pretend. There was no room for sickness, sadness, disgust, or anger. Only smiles. “You guys finally made it to the awards. Congratulations. What do you think was the winning formula this year?”

            “Well, we just worked really hard as always and we finally got recognized for our talent and effort. I am glad for that,” Jinyoung replied generically.

            “And we stepped up our game with a new choreographer and we are happy for her and her private manager,” Baro added sincerely, smiling at the two of you. The two enemies said not a word.

            “And how are you dealing with the controversy surrounding the alleged rumor of Shinwoo and this fine young lady, the wonderful private manager? How has that put a strain on you as a band?
            As the Jinyoung and Baro looked away, trying to devise a perfect lie for the camera and the fans, Shinwoo bluntly replied “It’s not alleged,” much to the shock of the host.

            “Are you saying that--?” he trailed as Jinyoung and Baro’s mouths flew open. In an instant, Shinwoo had snatched the microphone away and, staring deeply into the camera before scanning the crowd to the confusion and anger of the BANAs in the crowd, exclaimed a loud, triumphant “Yes!”

            “Yes, we are dating. Yes, we do love each other. No, she is not Korean and no, I don’t care. Lenena Muzzette Verduzco-Vargas is the one for me and I, Shin Dongwoo am the one for her. Any BANA not willing to accept that or us as a band does not need to stay in the fandom,” he continued boldly. Most of the crowd had hushed, all cameras being them. The extra lights nearly blinded you and, as you raised your hand to shield yourself from them, Shinwoo grabbed it and held it tightly before looking down at you with a soft, comforting smile. “I mean every word. She and I are dating and I am so glad that all of you care about us so much. Wish us well~” he added before kissing you passionately to the dismay and outrage of the entire crowd, BANA or not. One girl tried scaling the fence to claw away at you, but was quickly subdued by security. “Look at you, treating us like we’re not even human. You think we churn out this kind of music and hard work just so you can abuse us? That is not why we entered this line of work and honestly, every last one of you ready to tear her or me or all of us limb from limb ought to be ashamed of yourselves. You say you care for us all and then turn around to do stuff like this? Last time I checked, when you cared about someone or something,” he paused, taking a look at Sandeul and Gongchan. “You don’t let it go just because of something you don’t like, a flaw, nor do you walk away or abuse it because you think you have the power to. If you are one of those fans,” he paused, looking at some of the crying faces in the crowd. “We. Don’t. Need. You. All we as a group need is love and family and we would appreciate it if you stayed but don’t mind if you walk away,” he shrugged. “Isn’t that right?” Silence.

            “He’s right,” Baro piped up before he politely took the microphone from the older member. “We came into this industry hoping to touch many people’s lives in a positive way, but we can’t do it alone. If people think that they own us, then there is no help for them. We cannot make them realize that they don’t need to own any of us here and that we do this for them, not because we have to but because we want to. We want tom put a smile on their face. We don’t wish to hurt any of them, but if they hurt themselves by obsessing over us when it is not warranted, then what can we do? We have kept up our part of the deal and that’s all we can do. It’s up to all of you BANAs to decide if you want to stand by us,” he challenged before thanking the crowd sincerely.

            “As leader,” Jinyoung started, taking the microphone as well to address the still captivated public. “I agree that we as B1A4 choose to stand by this relationship and by those BANAs who look past petty things like looks, class, or anything like that and stay with us for the music. From now on, anyone who is still a BANA needs to make a promise to us and we will do the same. Can you do that?” To your surprise, the entire crown roared a resounding “Yes!” “Good, the promise is that we need to love each other and only for the music. We need to realize the humanity in us all and appreciate what we have. Let’s not leave each other ever, alright BANAs?” Most of the crowd cheered as the depressed wailing of the former BANAs were drowned out.

            “Is everyone going to support us tonight?!” Sandeul cheered unexpectedly, much to Gongchan’s surprise.

            “Is everyone going to love us tonight?!” the former pipped up, desperate for attention. The crowd cheered once more.

            “Great job, BANAs! I hope you have all voted well and enjoy the show!” Shinwoo exclaimed happily, tears of joy coming to his eyes. Surging with confidence and newfound respect for the band members, you mustered enough courage to clap loudly for everyone.

            “Thank you for supporting us! I will not let Shinwoo or any of you down! I will take good care of him!” you giggled. “Thank you for believing in us and awarding me this opportunity to be good to him. I will take care of your world well,” you addressed the fans sincerely before bowing a full 90 degrees.

            “And let’s not forget our lovely choreographer! She and Lenena came all the way from America to make sure that we got better as a band. Let’s applaud Alex as well. We are all together in this, BANAs and we need everyone’s help!” Jinyoung announced before breaking into applause for Alex, which only made her blush and try to hide behind Baro. Some members of the crowd and the four of you laughed.

            “We’ll see you inside, BANAs!” Baro concluded, politely giving the microphone back to the host.

            “Th-thank you very much for the rousing show,” the host stuttered. “Everyone, this is B1A4! Remember the name for they are going places,” he praised. “Good luck,” he bid each of you before departing.

            “Wahh~ I can’t believe this place!” Sandeul exclaimed in absolute awe.

            “Ah, it’s so nice to hear you actually talk,” Jinyoung pointed out genuinely. At this, Gongchan sneered something under his breath. “But yes, it is really nice to be here finally. We really could not have done it without the two of you. Thank you so much,” he added, bowing to you and Alex, making the others bow as well. The two of you shied away.

            “Don’t worry about it. Like you said, this is your big day where you get recognized for all the hard work that you have devoted to your craft. We should be thanking you for merely existing,” she replied humbly. “You know, it’s moments like this that the seven of us are going to remember,” she added more so to you than the others since the two of you were essentially crippled by the same matter. “If we all just wait and take a step back, we would see this more often. Let’s try to have a good time, tonight,” she encouraged sweetly. You hummed in agreement, clapping happily as you led the others to the table where you would be sitting.

            “Shouldn’t we probably sit backstage or something, considering that we are doing a special stage?” Alex asked as she shifted in her seat, unaccustomed to wearing a dress that long.

            “Hmm, well when is the special stage?” you asked, more so to Shinwoo than anything.

            “Well, it is still early, maybe we could just soak up a little of the ambience? But our performance is surprisingly first up,” he replied.

            “So you’re telling me that you guys are basically opening this damn show and you didn’t even tell me? I would have crawled out of bed to make sure you had the dance down had I known?!? Why don’t I get told anything?!?!” Alex ranted, completely distraught at this point. “Nope, we have to go backstage right now and practice! Anything to get this damn dress off!” she added as she jumped to her seat.

            “I’d like to take that dress off,” Gongchan interrupted, startling everyone at his sudden change in demeanor. She glared at him though her glass shell was already cracking at his remark. Sandeul jabbed him in the side with his elbow. Tonight was just not the night…

            “I think we should just relax~” Baro sighed as he slumped in his chair.

            “Get up silly. At least sit up straight. We have a lot riding on our shoulders here since this is our first time and we’re performing,” Shinwoo reprimanded the younger member. “Well, what do you guys think? I mean, it wouldn’t hurt and we’ve been in these suits for a bit. Time to get a little loosened up,” he pointed out. “Do you mind?” he whispered in your ear as if asking permission. You shrugged with a smirk.

            “I guess we have nothing else to do and we do have to prove something to these folks. Let’s do this! For family!” you urged, jumping from your seat, heated. Tonight was just not the night… The others, including the two enemies roared in agreement, if only desperate to one up each other.

            “Ah, I’m going to get us all some water. Lenena, you wanna come with?” Alex suggested as the other five panted, Sandeul slumped against a wall and wheezing for his life. “Looks like Sandeul really needs it. He’s been working especially hard,” she smiled, brightening his spirits.

            “I’ve been working hard, too, baby girl,” Gonchan added, winking shamlessly at Alex. You pat her on the back, trying to get her to calm herself. Sandeul only glared before returning his bright smile back to the two of you and the other members.

            “Please, some water would be nice,” Shinwoo remarked, trying to resolve the tension. “Thank you~” he sing songed before hugging you and trudging back to flop down on the floor. “I’ll just wait here,” he assured you.

            “He’s got the right idea,” Baro pointed out, falling as well and heaving heavily. “Please hurry.” The two of you nodded in unison.

            “So, do you think things are clearing up?” Alex asked as the two of you strutted down the halls of the backstage accommodations trying to search for the kitchen.

            “Besides the feud between Sandeul and Gongchan, everything is fine, but then again, that is the big thing, isn’t it? Things have cleared up between Gongchan and Shinwoo, I guess, but at what cost?” you sighed. “I’m sorry.”

            “Don’t worry about it. I knew that you wouldn’t be the only one with a scandal or so here. We stand together and we go down together,” she replied fiercely. “Like you said, with a little more time, it has to get bet—O dear lord!” she suddenly exclaimed, stumbling against a wall and grasping her chest.

            “Wh-what happened to you?!?!” you asked frantically, thinking she was having a seizure or worse before you looked up. You slapped her head playfully and tried to help her back up. “I thought you said you weren’t the type to fangirl this hard? What happened to playing it cool when you saw him?” you asked, shaking your head as she finally stood to her feet.

            “How can I when the boy looks like that?! Do you not see him?!? I know you do!! I know you know he’s gorgeous and ajsfknwdsofhndsjhjdksfnbksdcbkasASFGFEHRR,” she gurgled, apparently no longer able to make coherent sentences or even words for that matter.

            “Damn, you are a hot mess right now. How about this? How about you just go over there and talk to the guy? You are in the industry now? When is a better time than this?” you encouraged, nudging her lightly.

            “Are you insane?! I can barely remember my own name let alone FBGADSFAKDSJV.”

            “Hey, Minseok!” you shouted informally and loudly to the other side of the room. She stared at you in utter awe and disgust and you were sure you saw her soul leave her body, especially when he turned to look her way. “I’m going to go get the water now. Bye~ Good luck~” you cackled as you dashed away. You knew there would probably be poison in your food later, but it would be hilarious to hear the stories before you died. As you found the kitchen, you turned back to see the face of a cold blooded killer trapped inside the body of a frantic, frenzied, fangirl about to talk to her ultimate bias and you cursed yourself for forgetting your phone back with the others.

            “Did someone here call me?” he asked bluntly once he had reached her.

            “Hey, where did Sandeul go?” you asked as you handed out the waters and set hers and Sandeul’s on the counter.

            “He said he was going to the bathroom,” Baro answered. “But that was almost as soon as the two of you left.”

            “Well, if the boy didn’t eat so much, he wouldn’t always be in the bathroom,” Gongchan sneered, to the displeasure and reprimand from the other members. He merely shrugged. “What? He should be back any time soon.”

            “We really don’t appreciate your attitude. Can you at least remember that this is a big day for us?” Jinyoung scolded. “We’ve done a lot to get here and we don’t need this kind of negativity.”

            “Yeah, think about all the work that you have put into this. I know you don’t want to act like this and if you would just chill, you would be able to enjoy the moment,” Baro added. The youngest member only shrugged though he knew it was true.

            “Fine, I’ll try,” he conceded easier than you expected. “I always get pushed aside anyway so why not push away my happiness once more for someone all of you love more than me? No problem,” he mumbled to himself.

            “Hopefully Sandeul gets back soon.”

            “And who are you?” Minseok asked coldly as he stared Alex up and down. Sandeul watched as she struggled to talk, struggled to hold herself together. He found it adorable yet ever so heartbreaking to see her cry over him. He had waited and seen what was keeping her. He watched as Minseok pushed right by her, not at all interested in anything she had to say. He watched as her heart broke, as she mirrored him. He had watched her build herself so strong, only to fall with one cold stare and another beautiful lady latch onto his arm. He watched as the other male didn’t even bat an eye. To him, she was just another fangirl but to him, she was his whole world, even if she didn’t want to be or didn’t realize it. He watched as she tried strutting away, holding onto what little dignity she had left, only for her to literally fall flat. He watched as he laughed at her, the same snicker than idiots of idols did when they knew they had more power than the ones falling for them. He watched as she picked herself up like she often did. He watched as she tried to act like it was alright and knew she would play a smile as soon as she got back. He watched as, unfortunately, it was his time. Tonight was just not the night…

            “Everyone welcome to the 17^th annual MAMA!” the hostess from earlier cried excitedly. “Tonight, as we have seen, will be filled with great stars, amazing performances and even surprises! To start off the greatest party of the year, we have a special stage prepared for all of you in the audience and watching at home. Is everyone ready~?!” A round of applause seemed to shake the venue and each of your hearts as they thumped with anticipation. This was the first time Alex could show the world who she really was as a dancer and this was their first time to show the world who they truly were. Your heart was thumping with joy. Was anyone ready? Tonight was just not the night… “Please welcome B1A4 to the stage!” she announced as the music started to blare and the platform with the five members were raised through the floor. Ready or not, it was happening and you didn’t know what to expect. You and Alex bit your lips as you saw your boys enter the bright lights and deafening air of applause. You both scrambled upstairs to stand behind the curtain just as they began. Alex cried in joy beside you as the boys beautifully executed everything she had taught them and you couldn’t help but to be moved by their dedication. Shinwoo and Sandeul both, as they turned, winked at the two of you. Then, the music became increasingly deafening and you knew it was coming. The dreaded fight scene that had landed Alex in the hospital and you both hoped it would not result in another patient.

The two of you were relieved when the EXO members, who were set to share the stage with B1A4 seamlessly integrated into the dance, though the two of you still held your breath. The fight scene was not over and the music seemed to be ever more deafening. The colors seemed to blur and your heart felt as if it was going to fail. You grabbed for Alex’s hand and anything else steady to hold on to because you both knew it—something-- was coming. As the two of you tried your best to cheer for them, you had realized Gongchan was out of place and thanked goodness that the audience didn’t realize the difference. You both watched, trying to overpower his will to do what you both expected. Instead, he quickly realigned himself and the two of you let out a sigh of relief, even smiling at him when he looked back at you until it happened. Amidst the gasp of the crowd, it took you two at least a good five seconds to realize what had happened. Minseok was on the floor as Sandeul towered over him. The music continued blaring and the show continued as usual since the audience didn’t know whether this was real or not. You prayed that the groups had both thought of this as a prank and that it was nothing more than a spectacle. A spectacle it was when Sehun pounced on Sandeul and all hell broke loose. In less than half a minute, it was five against nine and the former were holding up relatively well. Security trampled the stage to break up the fight, but the damage had already been done as all fourteen men on stage were carried away to opposite sides of the stage. The two of you rushed to the side where B1A4 were taken and awaited all of your fates.

“U-unfortunately, there was a misunderstanding in choreography and the two groups have gotten the wrong idea. Though it was a wonderful idea, the choreography may have been a little tricky to execute. As per usual, the show will go one, but for the time being, the two groups will be barred from the rest of the ceremony and all awards given to them shall be given to their managers or company executives,” the hostess stuttered in the aftermath. “May they all rest well and we here apologize for the inconvenience. Now, without further ado, Ga In and Yoo Hoo Rae will grant the award for…” was all you heard before there was a storm to get the seven of you out of the building and to the car before the people, especially the exo-ls, could find out what just happened.

No one spoke a word inside the car. No one had to. You had bigger things to worry about, but at least didn’t have to wait anymore. Family was going to help family out once more.