“Can someone tell me what we’re supposed to do with this?!” Baro exclaimed frantically as he nearly slammed his phone down on the table. You had just rolled out of Shinwoo’s bed, hair a mess and brain hardly functioning at such an ungodly hour in the morning. As umma of the group, you had only wished for was a bit more peace and silence so you can ease your still racing heart from your escapade with Shinwoo the day before.

            “What’s going on?” Alex asked curiously.

            “This is what’s going on,” he replied harshly. You and the others gathered around to peer at his phone and the almost blood red letters across the top of the webpage- “B1A4’s Shinwoo’s Maritime Romance”. Your jaw dropped as Shinwoo came out of the bedroom and he rushed to see what the sudden silence was about.

            “As you can see, we do have a predicament,” Jinyoung pointed out meekly. Your eyes darted to the picture of you and Shinwoo kissing, his arms around your waist and in this moment, how you wished you could go back to the peace you felt instead of the overwhelming guilt that had washed over you.

            “So, what do we do about it?” Alex asked as Sandeul clung to her arm.

            “So, does that mean Alex and I can’t go out either?” Sandeul asked nervously.

            “None of us can, we all made a promise to the fans and then, there is this. Shinwoo, what happened?” Gongchan sneered, hiding his breaking heart behind his teeth and his snarky words.

            “Don’t act like you guys didn’t want us together,” Shinwoo scoffed, crossing his arms across his chest.

            “Whoa, why are you acting this way? Whatever happened to the level headed Shinwoo umma? And why didn’t you tell us you were leaving yesterday? Do you know what kind of will be raised when we go back to Korea?” Gongchan challenged. You only tried absorbing all of the situation, not sure what to say, but losing a bit of you bit by bit as the conversation worsened.

            “Because what if I’m tired of doing this? Why can’t I live a little, too?” he barked back shamelessly. You looked up at him in awe at his unusual brash behavior.

            “Sh-Shinwoo?” you stuttered, still taken aback as the rest of the crowd was silenced by his outburst. He glared at you, freezing you and your heart.

            “Ok, ok, we just need to take a step back for a bit,” Alex began. “Honestly, I know the situation looks bad, but we can get through this right?” she asked optimistically as she nervously looked around at the even more anxious faces around her. “It’ll be o-“ At this, you started bawling, tears running down your cheeks, which Shinwoo earnestly tried to wipe away.

            “You see what the hell you did, Shinwoo. What the hell?!” Gongchan yelled, “She doesn’t deserve this and it’s your carelessness that’s going to bring a storm to us all. We’ve gone our entire time without having a serious scandal and then you do this,” he accused. “How selfish of you.”

            “Gongchan, please, stop!” Jinyoung ordered, raising his voice, at which everyone hushed though the maknae still glared at the eldest member.

            “I know that this seems really bad, but how bad can it really be?” Alex asked, trying to rationalize the situation.

            “The comments just keep pouring in,” Baro pointed out. “’What a hag, who the hell is she even?’, “She is definitely not pretty enough for our oppa’, ‘Oppa, why do you go for the Americans?’, ‘Oppa, come back to us,’ ‘I hate you and B1A4, breaking our hearts’,” he read aloud, saddening everyone in the room. Alex bit her lip as you broke once more, feeling the  weight of the world- the entire universe- coming down on your shoulders.

            “Well, bad as it may be, the only way to get through this is to start. Let’s try not to worry about it since our plane is leaving tonight. Let’s just try to get everything packed and think about the good times here,” Jinyoung suggested calmly, pinching the bridge of his nose. At this, Shinwoo excused himself and retreated back into your shared room. Sandeul looked up at Alex, his eyes almost pleading for her to tell him it was alright. Gongchan continued to sulk at the table. Baro and Jinyoung tried rationalizing the situation and devising ways tom mitigate the damage to the band’s reputation. Again, you looked at Sandeul, at Gongchan, at Baro, at Jinyoung, the whole cast of tragic characters that you had doomed.

            As you lie in your misery, for Shinwoo was out on the balcony, you heard a knock at the door. You grumbled what could only be taken as a reply before Alex’ concerned voice met your ears.

            “May I come in?” Again, you grumbled something even you weren’t sure was English. “Hey, are you alright?” she asked, creeping into your room and taking a quick glance at Shinwoo. You rolled over to look at the clock. You had only three more hours until your plane ride and you knew the hour of fate was upon you. “Hey, hey, hey,” she started as she pet your back, her calmer voice almost foreign to you. “Hey, you, too,” she called, addressing Shinwoo and effectively snapping him out of his daze. “Get in her,” she barked, her voice demanding. He aimlessly turned around and reentered the room. He sat on the edge of the bed, away from the two of you and only continued to stare into a space that wouldn’t save him. “So, you guys got yourselves into trouble, but that’s not the worst thing. The worst thing to do is whatever this is and just ignore each other and everyone else, hoping that everything will go away. Look, we have a plane to catch in about three hours, so you guys need to get it together if only to pack your stuff up and leave.” Silence. “Whatever happened to taking responsibility for things?”

            “And what if I don’t want to take responsibility anymore? You wouldn’t know, you’ve always been pampered as a single child and you’re the youngest, so what do you know?” Shinwoo lashed back. Alex only raised an eyebrow.

            “Look, you’re not bias so I don’t know who you think you are, Shinwoo. I like you and all, but you don’t know me, you don’t know my life, so if you could refrain from playing psychic, that’d be great. And two, fine, don’t take responsibility for the bad things that you are a part of, but this also means you sure as hell can’t take responsibility for the good things either. Now stop playing victim, get your together, and let’s go,” she scolded back. “I’ll be damned if I let one person mess this up for the entire group. Think of all the things you have been through, all the years and all the happiness and you’re just going to throw that away because your crush got exposed?” She looked at you. “What kind of BANA do you think you are?” Then at Shinwoo. “What kind of performer, band member, brother, do you think you are?” She looked at the both of you, shook her head and excused herself, leaving you two to just your thoughts.

            “So, are they ok in there?” Sandeul asked expectantly as she flopped on the couch. She pinched the bridge of her nose and shook her head pitifully. “No, and it’s not my problem to fix them. If Shinwoo is anything like Lenena, they are both taking this pretty hard and blaming themselves as the sole culprits. For people who are so used to responsibility, you would think they would know how to dissociate themselves from a problem that is not fully their own,” she sighed.

            “And there’s nothing we can do about it?” he asked, sitting next to her laying his head on her shoulder.

            “Us? No, it’s all up to them, no matter how much they don’t like it and that’s that. We should get ready soon:

            The hours slipped by ever so slowly, the minutes trickling, dripping and taunting. The two of you had been in silence for some time, only the occasional cough, zipping of a suitcase, drop of a shoe, or clearing of the throat to break the silence. The two of you even cried in isolation, ever so close to each other yet so far, though not a single sniffle was heard. You both were too strong to let the other hear even a second of your vulnerability, though to the rest of the world, you wore it on your sleeve. You questioned if it was too late to go back, to go back to just two days ago, to just a few months ago, to an entire year ago, any time when you didn’t think any of this would be possible. You also wondered if it was possible to drown in your own tears, suffocate in your own silence, and burn in your own guilt. You wanted it to be possible to ignore each other, for him to be the performer he thought he was and for you to be a life manager though you couldn’t manage your own. You wished you could build entire worlds for just yourselves instead of having tom face the one outside, instead of having to face the forceful Jinyoung and Baro who rushed you two out of your rooms, instead of having to face the calamity that wait outside.

            You looked back at the hotel room that once offered so much hope and yet so much confusion. You looked at Alex who was trying to calm the ever giddy Sandeul yet couldn’t break a smile. What was the point? What was the point of leaving? Just what was the point?

            “Jinyoung what do you think about the sca-“ “Shinwoo, what do you have to say to the-“ “How do you think this will tear you-“ “Who are these mystery gir-“ “Shinwoo, what do you have to-“ After only a second or two, the squawks from the small group of paparazzi and the sobbing of fangirls blended into one incoherent, deafening tone as you tried your best to scamper out of the building and to the van waiting outside to take you all to the airport. You chucked your luggage in and, among the assault from the crowd, managed to crawl inside the van as you only waited for the others who were doing much of the same thing. Once everyone was safely inside, you left the commotion, your heart easing only for a moment as you sped along the streets. For once, you were glad B1A4 wasn’t a larger band than they were for even that was too much. You glanced over at Shinwoo, who was breathing calmly, his face stoic and unmoving. You bit your lip at his façade but knew you were playing much the same game. You cursed how close the hotel was to the airport because you had not had closure, no time to prepare yourself for whatever storm would come next. Everyone looked at each other as if it were the last time they would see each other in the state they were in, if at all.

            Again, you tackled your ways through the crowd and to the airport where you had some sanctuary due to the strict regulations. You cursed how quickly the seven of you had managed to get through security and luggage registration for, even as you sat, you felt the stares, the glares. You heard the whispers from the jealous fangirls, the sneers, the slurs, anything and everything that you had imagined in your worst nightmares.

            “Hey, it’s the Mexican of a fan. You know what they say about Hispanics, always spreading that Spanish love, is it?” you felt a particularly painful stab to the heart from the slew of fangirls. You looked around and your world was spinning. Everything about the BANA world that you had known was dashed by the insults of just a few evil fangirls. Your heart was shattered, then the shards crushed further. You couldn’t look at anyone. You could feel the others trying to console you and to hide you from the onslaught, but you couldn’t feel what they were trying to do. Abruptly, you dashed away from them and to the nearest bathroom.

            Inside, you frantically the faucet and let it run so no one would hear your sobbing. You splashed your face, hoping to wash away the tears, the guilt, the shame. You ran to the toilet, sick to your stomach but only wretched. You stumbled out, your knees tired of bending and again, you looked at the monster staring back at you. You gazed into her eyes, her lust filled eyes. You saw her lips, her lips that had stained a man and a fandom. You gazed at her features, the features that spelled her doom. You and the others had all of 45 minutes left before you had to get on the plane, but you couldn’t even recognize the passage of time. To you, you were stuck, not in a loop, but in a spot, a second that wouldn’t move and pass away. Again, you the water, finding little solace in the rushing water. You stared down at it, focusing on your tears that would drop down into it. You didn’t care who had come or gone or who had seen you because you were a monster. You wondered why no fangirls had come in to follow you. You stayed where you were, waiting, and time stayed still, almost waiting for you. You heard a knock on the door and didn’t even take the time to think why someone would need to knock. Yet, acting as if it were normal, you answered with merely a hum.

            “I-Is it safe to come in?” Shinwoo’s voice startled you. You barey heard it over the shouts of some fangirls that had gathered.

            “Is it safe for you to even be here?”

            “The plane is leaving and I will be damned if you and I don’t get on that plane together. We can talk about this later, but you are a member of the company and no matter what, you have to come with us or who knows how much bigger this controversy will get.”

            “Just go without me. What use am I to this company anyway? What use am I in general?”

            “Lenena! You’re being ridiculous, now get out here,” he ordered, his voice stern and rising higher than any of the other people in the crowd now around the bathroom. You noticed that they were not following, looking for you. They were only looking for and following him, but insulting you for being whom he looked for the most.

            “Go on without me and tell Alex that I’ll be right here waiting for her when she’s done with the contract,” you called. You stared down at the sink, wondering what it would be like to drown, go to the same ocean that had washed this controversy on the shores of your mind and heart and just drown. Suddenly, you felt a sweaty hand wrap around your wrist. You knew it but chose not to believe it. You looked up and your fears and joys were realized.

            “Don’t talk, let’s go,” he growled as he whisked you away and through the crowd. You could feel the searing stares and the even more hateful thoughts being directed towards you. Shinwoo was there, but he wasn’t. You didn’t know if he was there to protect you or himself, but at the very least, he was guiding you.

            “And what the hell was that? I thought you were going to leave me?! I can’t go back to Korea by myself,” Alex whined as you two scooted forward in line once you had caught up. Shinwoo was in between the two of you, the grip on your wrist still strong. He looked straight ahead, silent except to converse with the attendant at the kiosk as he handed her his ticket.

            “Look straight ahead and don’t say anything else. Not here, not now,” he whispered to you and he took you aboard and the nightmare that had gripped you for the last few hours was fading in favor of yet another. Gongchan took his seat across from you as Shinwoo and Baro sat at your side. You did as Shinwoo told you, taking the opportunity to calm your mind. You wouldn’t say anything about your nightmare, your lies, your shame, not there, not then. You wondered what it would be like when you got back to Korea and the netizens and fangirls would be in full force, but still, you said nothing and you tried to think about nothing. You closed your eyes, hoping it would be easier. A soft hand on your lap disrupted your thoughts. “Open your eyes and look around now. It’s not over, but I’m here now.”

Where were you before? Will you stay with me now?