Uh, it was changing all the time…

…that thing so unpredictable.

Like a volcano, he doesn’t know when the hot, angry lava is gonna to burst or why is gonna do it; but Jaebum just sits and watches nevertheless: returning knowing smiles in the morning, feeling a stern gaze on the back of his head in the afternoon, and being completely ignored when the night comes.

Some days it changes dramatically, starting his day with cold, little eyes piercing him from the kitchen when Jinyoung and him are waiting for everyone else to get ready and his cheesy friend leans his head over Jaebum’s shoulders and plays with his hands and ears.

Some afternoons are odd too, mostly when Mark is back-hugging him the whole time between schedules. Or when Yugyeom and Bambam takes the chance on free days to drag him to the gym and work out a little and the maknaes shows to the rest of the band how good they are progressing on building their bodies. In either situation, he is always ignored by a pair of small, sharp orbs.

And if Jaebum talks about some nights, he is sure night is the time where that thing gets out of control.

Like two nights ago, when Jackson and him where talking about some silly thing about the photo-shoot they had that day, and his bandmate out of nowhere asked to go to watch a movie on his room. Taking it like the friendly invitation that it was he gladly accepted…

…But as soon as the simple answer slipped out his mouth the sound of glasses clashing down on the floor startled him. Fallowing the noise of loud shouts and other two pair of foot behind, Jackson and Jaebum soon arrived at the kitchen; finding an angry Youngjae yelling to Yugyeom who quietly was picking up the broken glasses off the floor.

Jaebum didn’t really heard Mark’s words when those small, angry eyes placed on him for a short moment… and then he just felt the cold brush of his young bandmate’s arm harshly pushing him out his way, hearing the strong slam of a door at the end of the hallway while Mark kept talking even when the main vocalist wasn’t there anymore.

Even when Yugyeom explained between sad whimpers what happened, neither of them could understand it. Breaking glasses was almost ‘a must’ in their dorm, it was so common and so expectable that if it didn’t happened in a long time then something bad could surely come.

So why did Youngjae got so mad?

They didn’t get an answer, thought. But days kept passing and the rest of the band seemed to forget it. In a short time things went back to it’s usual self and soon dancer and vocalist were playing video games and laughing like always.

Except for Jaebum, he still could see that thing.

It’s not like Jaebum doesn’t know Youngjae’s temper, being together as friends and colleges for so long you definitely get to know the smallest things about someone.  But Jaebum doesn’t remember a time when Youngjae had been so… sensitive?

He can’t really understand it, the reason why Youngjae sometimes smiles at him and in the next minute Youngjae stares angrily at him. Or how sometimes the singer searches for a little touch and then he ignores him the whole day. There were even times when Youngjae didn’t talk with anyone.

It hurts. Obviously it hurts him so much that he just wants to hug the younger boy and plead for an explanation, Jaebum could do anything to make his little bandmate smile… but how can he do that if Youngjae has that big, thick and cold barrier that doesn’t let him get close?   

A long sigh escapes his mouth as he sits in the living room’s floor and leans his forehead against the clear crystal of the balcony’s doors; watching the rain falling outside and how the little drops slowly slid in the glass. He traces their road with his finger, noticing the crystal fogs up when his hot breath meets the cold temperature of the doors.

Uh, he was so depressed.

And it was because maybe, and just maybe Youngjae knows… and maybe Youngjae hates him.

A stab of pain pinches hard his chest at that thought, what else could make Youngjae so furious? The singer had implied that last time he knows something… so probably he had figured it out? It wasn’t that hard, though. Jaebum was way too obvious and Youngjae was far from being stupid.

It is true the younger boy did kissed him back, and it is true that Jaebum even thought in the possibility of Youngjae liking him back; but perhaps Youngjae just got a little carried away by the moment… by all those moments in which they kissed, and after a bit of thinking he just realized it and he hates him now.   

It’s not like Youngjae had said something about his feelings, and that dream was just a dream so…

Jaebum’s heart aches, painfully and cruelly at the idea of Youngjae feeling disgusted around him. His white teeth bite hard his bottom lip to prevent a whimper as gloomy tears crowd in his sadden eyes… He can’t cry in front of his friends, he can’t cry in front of Youngjae.

He has to pretend nothing happened… he has to forget it.

It doesn’t matter how much it hurts.

-Jaebumie hyung!- there’s a nice voice calling his name right in his burning ear, and there are warm arms wrapping tight around him from behind.

Oh, no. Not this now.

-Leader?- Jackson wonders when he inevitably sobs at how gentle his friend is, and he feels how the rapper comes closer to look at his crying face.

-Hyung, why are you crying?- Jackson asks in his kindest tone, slowly turning him around to be right in front of him. –I don’t like to see you crying…- he says, softly brushing off the tears from his hot cheeks.

Jaebum lift his dark eyes full of tears, meeting those sweet brown orbs with that nice glance his friend always has for him; and he notices that gentle smile on those plump lips that always give him comfort and peace… He couldn’t take it and fall apart, wrapping weakly his arms around the only person who seems to care for him.

-Jackson…- he sobs sadly against the smooth fabric covering Jackson’s shoulders, feeling those strong arms hugging him tight.

-Shhh, is okay… let it out, hyung… you don’t have to say anything.- Jackson whispers on his ear, so warm that Jaebum’s heart breaks a little more.

Why wasn’t Youngjae the one holding him like this?

It hurts so much and it was so sad to be in other’s man arms when all he wanted was Youngjae, but what can he do? He couldn’t force Youngjae to love him, and he certainly couldn’t force himself to love anyone else when Youngjae was so stuck in his heart and soul.

“Damn you, Choi Youngjae…” Jaebum thinks, burying his blushed face deeper in Jackson’s shoulders as tears keep falling and his heart keeps breaking.

-Awww! Cute moment, everyone! Should I take a picture and show it to our fans on Twitter?- Mark’s mocking words echoes distant in his ears, but he really couldn’t care less.

-Mark, don’t joke around. He is crying.- Jackson says calm but somewhat stern, and Jaebum can feel his friend’s hand carefully his hair.

-Crying?! W-why is Jaebum hyung crying?!- Bambam’s shouts, exaggeratingly worry for the leader’s like. 

Quick footsteps followed after, and he hides his teary face even more on his friend’s warm neck when Yugyeom’s question reached him. -What happened to Jaebumie hyung?!-

-Yah! You made him cry, Jackson?!- Jinyoung’s angry tone came next, making the rapper turn his face to them; leaving Jaebum’s face exposed to their eyes.

He really hates when someone sees him crying…

But Jackson’s answer makes him shiver, because his bandmate sounds so honest and serious that he can’t help but whimper loudly. -Why are you asking such dumb question? You know I could never make our leader cry.-

-Then why are you crying, Jaebum…?- Mark wonders careful but so clearly concerned that he can’t bring himself to look up.

Hell, he wants to keep crying as much as the rain falls.

-It doesn’t matter, does it? Let Jaebum hyung just calm down and then we will wait until he wants to tell us.- Jackson says then, so nice and sweet, as that big hand gently caress his back.

 Jaebum really wanted to smile at that moment, but he was too destroyed inside.

Having the last pieces of his pride screaming ‘man up’ like crazy, he tries his best to hold his tears a little and he slowly pulls away from Jackson. Looking up at his friends he opens his mouth to speak a few words to calm the mood down…

…But when his dark orbs found those small ones in the distant, his voice disappears, words died in his throat and the tears just flow like two rivers from his eyes; not to mention the awful stab his poor little heart got as he noticed how deep Youngjae was frowning.  

His gaze turns down on the wooden floor under his body, watching the tears clashing one after another on the hard surface. The soft noise of his teardrops falling soon was overshadowed by loud footsteps… and he didn’t had time to process what was happening when suddenly Youngjae was forcing him up on his feet, dragging him across the hallway to finally stop inside the younger boy’s room.

Jaebum’s lips trembled when his surprised, sad glance met with Youngjae’s harsh one in the tiny distant the singer had put between them… is not that he was trying to say something, but his whole being shakes with fear at what could come.

Unconsciously, he took a step back when Youngjae came closer; feeling a cold shiver running through his skin when the younger boy sighed heavily. But he wasn’t fast enough when the singer quickly took those final steps and wrapped his arms around him, hugging him so tight that Jaebum whimpered at how strong the boy was.

-Stop it…- Youngjae murmurs serious on his ear, hurting him so much.

But then Jaebum hears words… words said with warmth and concerned ringing so loudly on it that it made his heart jump alive again. –Stop running to Jackson hyung every time you need someone. I’m here too.- 

Those words and that tone of voice repeats itself again and again in Jaebum’s ears, while his brown incredulous orbs just stare at some point in the distant wall… does this mean Youngjae doesn’t hate him? Does this means Youngjae…?

-I hate when you forget me. Why aren’t I your first choice? Why is everyone else more important than me…? What do I have to do to be your priority? Tell me, hyung…- Youngjae whispers low, so low that Jaebum can feel how embarrass his bandmate is.

A trembling smile curves on his lips after such questions, while tears fall from his eyes even more… but these are tears of joy, because those words only can mean what he has been longing since the very beginning.

His hands slowly lift, cupping that handsome face as his lips finally kiss that mouth he had been missing so much; tasting Youngjae’s sweetness mixing with his warm tears in something odd but still magical. His heart skips a strong beat when the singer pulls him closer and moan softly into the kiss.

Feeling his body starting to heat up in a way it shouldn’t, Jaebum gently breaks the kiss; looking straight into those tiny eyes still with a smile on his face. He sees how Youngjae blushes mildly at his grin, and so Jaebum slowly pulls away completely…

…Watching how Youngjae’s beautiful eyes look at him impatient and longingly when he whispers his answer before turning around and leave.

-If you only knew, Youngjae… if you only knew.-

But Jaebum didn’t see those clear tears sliding down Youngjae’s cheeks when the door was closed and Jaebum didn’t hear Youngjae’s voice pleading for what the little singer is dying inside to hear.

-Then let me know if you love me.-

Guys~ I should let you know we are 2 chapters away from the ending so if you want to say something about the whole fic your should start now :P You have been so quiet, I hope you had enjoyed this so far and will enjoy the last chapters as well ^^

And for the very few ones who did commented before: you guys rock, thanks a lot!!~~