Ten years have passed since my graduation day and I find myself standing here, before the very building which I used to loathe coming, where solemn faced adults demanded perfection in everything for all of us; a diverse group of youthful beings, whose hands were clammy and our hearts tired by the expectations, falls, and losses.

It's Saturday and today marks the exact day when I graduated from this place. It's in the end of spring, pretty close to the day which marks the death of my mother, for 8 long years.

Through those years, lots of things happened. From bad things to good things, and the cycle went along in a random pattern.

From Jongin's injured hips, to Soonyoung and Seungwan's on and off relationship, to Junghan cutting his hair short, Taemin with his dance workshop with Jongin after they graduated, and each of us settling into the paths we had lined, for the sake of reaching the gleaming promise of a better future. And for our own, also.

Some still ended up fulfilling their parents' dream, in consideration. Like Sehun, taking law studies after we graduated. He told me on the day of graduation and I was baffled that he kept it all to himself.

"But I don't really mind, though. It's irritating to hear my old man nag endlessly about it," he shrugged it off casually. "He's willing to pay the tuition fees, so I just go along the flow. I will still take jobs related to graphic design.”

It amazed me how casual he was with everything, going along the flow of things, yet still keeping his principles intact.

Similar thing occurred to Seulgi also, when she decided that she would continue to medical school. It would take years for her to earn a medical degree and she believed that she would grow to love what her parents suggested.

She was being very optimistic and I was glad that she chose that path, instead. Her dream was very beautiful, but I personally think she injured herself too much and she must have realised that, along the way. She needed to think for herself, for her life in the long run.

I assumed that she realised that she needed to think of the future. We all did.

I still stay in contact with my old friends, even though I have always had problems contacting Seungcheol. He's a very busy man now, owning his own company from zero and all. I've heard that he's pretty successful now, owning his own electronics company.

Junghan is working in this well-known accounting firm, mostly abbreviated to PwC. Despite being single for so long, he ended up marrying first between the four of us, to a lovely lady which Junghan proclaimed has the most beautiful voice in this whole universe, named Park Sooyoung with a personality which suited his; drunk on the idea of love, pretty considerate and bold and also the only one who laughed at his jokes (when none of us ever did).

Well, at least that is what he told us. Junghan basically spilled lots of detail to his love life and it took Soonyoung to tell him that we didn't really care. It was interesting, but I think that those kind of stuffs shouldn't be told to other people, even his own friends.

They already have a pair of twins, even. I could imagine the quarrel they indulged in for deciding their names and it ended up with Yeri for the girl, and Yuta for the boy. Junghan had his quirks for Japanese names, so his wife probably agreed on it since it sounded good. It sounded a little weird though, by using Junghan's family name, a Yoon.

About Soonyoung, somehow he joined Jongin and Taemin in holding dance workshops and they often travelled from places to places. We still texted each other from time to time; asking each other's conditions, asking for a meet up, now and then. He's in a more stable relationship with Seungwan now, even though he never brought up any topic related to marriage. Soonyoung is still a free soul, even in the age of twenty nine and I predict that he'd probably get married by thirty five.

As for Jongin and Taemin, I only stay in contact with the raven skinned Jongin, whose body rolls sent the girls nuts back then and he never brought up any topic of girls anymore. Whenever I asked him, he only said that he was practicing, or either hanging out with his friends, chilling, learning music and stuff. I'd ask about Taemin's condition at times, if he was doing fine, and Jongin told me how he kept him on the right track.

Then there is Seulgi, the girl who stayed through ungodly years and heated arguments between the two of us, because of the clash of opinions between the two of us, or when our workplace gave us a hard time and we would end up being frustrated with each other. Seulgi would weep sometimes, because she dislikes conflicts and shouts and I would blame myself for doing so, without thinking. I would hold her and apologise and we would talk and settle everything that is wrong between the two of us.

She's a child specialist doctor now and we are currently living together, since the hospital she is working at is close to my apartment and also pretty close to my work place, which is the Art & Seoul company building. It's an art magazine and my portfolio came through after trying for the second time, seven years ago. Last year, I just got promoted to be the creative director for the magazine and everything felt sure in my hands. Everything went along so well and I brushed away any thoughts for bad things coming ahead of me.

Seulgi is still stubborn in her own resolve of no ual , despite agreeing to live together, and I respect her decision through all these years. Even though, it's hard sometimes.

Especially like that night when I took her out for dinner to celebrate her achievement in being accepted to work.

Amongst fancy restaurants, tenderloin steaks and glasses of wine, I drank too much and Seulgi drank a little bit but she was a little bit tipsy, yet sober enough to drive us home. Everything went like a scene of a blurred and dreamy movie, when Seulgi helped me to get into the elevator and we waited inside for it to reach our floor. Through our swaying bodies staggering to our room, as Seulgi searched for our keys and quickly inserted it and entered the room with an arm of mine around her shoulder and her arm around my body to keep me from falling, I held her face in my hand and I kissed her.

She looked so enchanting that night, her hair in dark whorls falling to her chest and the black dress that she wore hugged her body in all the right places, with the skin of her bare shoulders gleaming beneath the fluorescent chandelier lamps. Her lips were red in the shade of rose and she looked sharper with all these colours accentuating her facial features.

When my lips travelled from her lips to her neck, it was the first time and she was bathed in the scent of a grown lady's perfume, the kind that gets you intoxicated with every waft of it, and it did its magic to me. She shuddered and told me to stop, but I wasn't thinking straight and Seulgi was blurry in my visions. When I reached her shoulder blades, she held her breath in as her skin felt tense.

Before I got lower than that, she held me back, pushing me away with her hands holding me back firmly from her. Her grip was so tight I realised what I had been doing, and it felt like heaven, even though she wasn't looking at me anymore when she guided me to my room. When she pulled the covers over my body, the last thing I saw was her fingers over my face and it was all dreams and sleep, after that.

But, whatever Seulgi gave to me beside that trivial point, makes all the wait worth it. She no longer re-dyes her hair, because she finally noticed how damaged her hair became, and her hair stayed in the shade of midnight, until now.

My father is still doing his scriptwriter job, even though I insisted that he should rest and I would provide anything that he needs. My father only said that he loved his job too much to let it go and how it reminded him of the time my mother was still here.

He also published romance and coming of age novels and I believe that he had written my mother as one of his characters in every book that he sent to me. I would recognise my mother's hair, edelweiss, her favourite painting, her rocking chair beside the window and little moments between them which I noticed back then.

When I met Seulgi's parents, it was a very nerve-wrecking moment. Her brother was there to judge me also, in the living room of her house, scanning me if I was good enough to be with her. It was a very fearful encounter, but Seulgi's mother was nice and she told me how she was a fan of my father's works and being a cautious father Seulgi's father was, he interrogated me about lots of things.

‘How far have you gone with Seulgi? Have you been treating her with respect?’ The questions were too many thrown at me and I answered in half honesty, leaving details that will make their view of me look bad. Details to your future father in law is never a good thing, especially one that is as strict as him. I understood his worry, because I would not want to have my daughter to get married into the wrong man who can't treat her right.

After visiting my home, I decided to come to this school of mine. Nostalgia hovers over me and I recall the tree where I used to hang alone when I feel like not being bothered, to the ice cream shop below the street which was the frequent place where the three of us – Soojung, Mingyu and I – used to hang out until the sun falls, and Soojung would receive endless calls from her maids to ask of her whereabouts.

I stand in front of the gate, unwilling to go in.

The hallways, classes, auditorium and the soccer field, also the basketball hall, will be empty, and I will find myself missing the people who are no longer here. Classmates I didn't get to know and fond of, teachers' complaints and demands for us to grow up and think for our futures, shy and bashful actions of high school lovebirds, class' rogues being called to the principal office, tired hands from practicing for exams, a mass of students trying to buy a piece of bread from the jammed canteen; everything is starting to come back into me, even as I stand before the school, me in blue jeans (no longer ripped ones) and a blue sky shirt, hands on the pockets of my jeans.

"Never thought I’d miss this place, amongst all the places in the world," sighing, I stand there as memories of high school begin to flood back. It's a warm and bittersweet feeling, and I think that is what high school is all about. 

"Wonwoo, is that you?"

I instantly turn around and see star-like eyes, with butterfly eyelashes and jet-black hair I can never forget, as I had promised her to remember her, as vivid as she used to be. And there she is, a sharper, still strikingly beautiful like ten years ago Jung Soojung, standing a few feet from me.

"Is-is that you, Soojung?"

"It's me, Wonwoo," she smiles, and it feels familiar and nostalgic all over again.

But Mingyu isn't with her and she is not carrying a child and the possibility that I had wished long time ago dissolves along with the pain that I felt for the two of them, ten years ago.

Æ

Soojung took me to this ice cream shop down the street and she told me how nobody is ever too old for ice cream. She's sitting in front of me in a four people table, her with her favourite Oreo ice cream, while mine is green tea ice cream. Soojung is clad in a casual attire, a white sleeveless blouse and black culottes, also with a pair of black and white platform shoes. 

"How's life, Wonwoo?" taking a scoop of ice cream, she begins the questioning session.

"Everything is fine. I am working for an art magazine right now.”

"You do? Which one?"

"Art and Seoul–"

"Wait, I have monthly subscriptions to that magazine! Wow, Wonwoo. You made it," she's smiling again, her hands wrapped around the bowl of ice cream.

"How about you, Soojung?"

She purses her lips. "I'm working in my father's company. He said that I should look out for my brother, just in case he messes everything up. Still, I don't really like it. It's kind of like a freeway, you know," she sits up straight, and even though Soojung speaks like she used to, there is a difference with the way she carries herself.  

Somehow, she seems more composed, no longer restless and wary of others' watchful eyes. I notice the difference as she is staring straight to my eyes and I can feel that she is actually here, not wishing to be in another place or in another realm. The change is not drastic though. She still has her habit of tapping the wood floor like now, when she's getting impatient.

"Wonwoo, I'm sorry for your mother. I know that it's too late. Years have passed and somehow I end up telling you like this," her voice is full of regret and I shake my head, assuring her that it's fine.

"It's okay. You must have known from Seungcheol, I predict?"

"No, Mingyu was the one who told me," I divert my attention away from the bowl to her.

"Soojung, are you still together with Mingyu?"

She puts down her spoon and put her arms around her body, rubbing it as she thinks for an answer. "No, I'm not," her eyes gaze sadly at me and I feel sorry for her, at that moment. They were so perfect for each other, they were like what you would call a match made in heaven.

She gnaws on her lips, looking uncomfortable.

"But why? The both of you were so in love with each other.”

"We were, indeed. We were so in love with each other, to the point we ended up hurting you," she sighs and as if wanting to push away sadness, she picks up the spoon and down another spoonful of ice cream.

"I'm sorry, Wonwoo. For my immature actions back then, for bothering you with my problems, for getting you hurt.”

Even though I already forgive them both, her apology still makes me a bit content. That she actually realised I have been hurting all these times.

"I have forgiven you a long time ago, Soojung.”

The curves of her lips turn upwards into a small smile. She somehow keeps the length of her hair back in high school, right on her shoulders and her face has become sharper, her cheekbones making an emphasise of her beauty and sharp eyes.

"You've grown taller, by the way. Also sharper. I mean, your eyes have always been sharp and intimidating. It's just that there is more depth into your eyes now."

"Well, you don't seem to grow any taller and I take that as a compliment.”

She slaps me on the arm as she laughs. "Hey! Don't get ahead of yourself!"

People begin to stare and I grimace in discomfort. "Soojung, you're embarrassing me.”

"Nobody told me that I can't hit my own best friend!" she grins, and when I thought Soojung has changed, turns out there are still parts of her which are stubborn enough to settle for a long time.

When she's calmed down, she shifts into a sombre mood and I feel like she is going to bring Mingyu into our conversation.

"We separated five years ago. It's tiring to be torn between wanting to believe in him, yet he always managed to let me down. I assume that he found someone more compatible with him. He spent lots of time in the hospital and he stopped answering my calls, my messages.”

“When we met for the last time, he asked for another chance. I couldn’t do it, Wonwoo. Mingyu promised me that he would change, but I didn’t see any progress, any attempts to change. So I left, tired of being disappointed by him.”

“Do you still love him?”

She curls back black ringlets covering the side of her face, memories and nostalgia muddled together in a pool of her whirling black pupils. “No, I'm afraid not. But he will always have a special place in my heart. He was my first love, and he was also my best friend, Wonwoo. I can never forget him.”

“It’s funny though.”

“What is?”

“He was the one who promised for us to meet today, yet he’s nowhere to be found,” I find myself scoffing at his promise. A little bit angered that he ended up breaking Soojung’s heart, I feel disappointed in my own best friend.

“Mingyu is a very busy person, Wonwoo. He’s a cardiovascular surgeon now and he’s a dedicated doctor. You remember how badly he wanted to be a doctor right? He fought for the things that he wanted to achieve and now he’s living his dream. His mother still texts me sometimes and I think that she is hoping for a chance for us to be back together, even though it will be impossible looking at the conditions now,” she eats her ice cream considerately, words flow out from her lips flawlessly, not flinching to the topic.

She leans a bit forward, and a soft smile appears on her face. “Wonwoo, Seungcheol proposed to me last month.”

“Congr– Wait, Seungcheol? As in Choi Seungcheol? Wait, since when did the two of you, you know dated each other?”

“Through business school, we became close. And somehow, we stayed in contact through those years after graduation. We stayed as close friends, and he told me that he loved me two years ago.”

Soojung is giving me too much information that is difficult to process. Seungcheol and Soojung? The combination never came across my mind and Seungcheol never really talked about relationships, only once when I told him about Seulgi. I think Seungcheol just didn’t find the right momentum to bring the topic up. I still have his number in my phone and when I checked with Junghan and Soonyoung, he’s still using the number. Seungcheol has lots of things to think about and I understand the responsibility that comes aside of success for him.

“Seungcheol is caring and a little bit clumsy at times. But he’s loyal, as in I can trust him, and my assumptions have been proven to be true through these two years. That’s why I accepted his proposal. Besides, I’m getting old, you know. I want to have a family,” she’s smiling as she describes Seungcheol and I am relieved that out of all the people in the world, the one who gets to end up with Soojung is one of best people that I know, Choi Seungcheol.  Soojung is my best friend, and I’m glad that she’s settling down with him. Seungcheol is a gentleman and he will treat Soojung right.

“Wait, I heard from Seungcheol that you’re with someone right now? Seulgi, right?”

 “Yes, it's Seulgi” I can’t help but smile when she mentioned her name. “I’m going to propose to her next week.” Seulgi has been hinting her intentions for marriage, how she loved the face of mothers when they realise that their children are fine, how she asked my thoughts about marriage. And I think it’s time. It’s time for us to officially settle down.

“How is she like, Wonwoo? I want to meet her!”

“It might sound cheesy to you, since I never said stuffs like this. But for me, she is everything that I ask for.”

Her eyes twitch a little and I smirk at her irritated face. “Sweet. But, even when you already warned me, it still sounded weird.  I never knew Jeon Wonwoo has this side of him.”

“Well, now you do.”

Æ

We continue to tell each other about our lives and I secretly steal glances to the door. I'm wishing that maybe, just maybe, Mingyu will come to surprise us and burst through that door even though it’s impossible, because Mingyu is not as adventurous as he used to be, based on Soojung’s story.

After two hours of chatters and catching up with each other’s lives, Soojung finishing two bowls of ice cream, while I stopped at the first bowl, it’s time for us to separate and leave to our separate lives. Soojung made sure of exchanging our contacts, to never lose trace of each other again (and she told me how she really wanted to see Seulgi).

Walking back to our school, she told me how her car was parked near there and that goes the same for myself. 

“Here’s my car. Where is yours?”

“It’s a little bit more to the west.”

“That means we are going to separate here,” she proclaims, and I nod to her, crossed arms over my chest.

“Then, goodbye, I guess?”

Soojung shakes her head. “No, it's supposed to be see you soon! I’m going to send the wedding invitation to your home! It’s still in the same address, right?”

“Of course.”

Walking away, Soojung halts me with her words. “Don’t hate Mingyu for what he did, Wonwoo.”

I turn to look at her and she seems to mean everything that she said. Well, Soojung never really lied to me about anything. I look at my watch and it indicates the time to be four PM. The sky is in the colour of orange, hued with shades of yellow, and half of Soojung’s hair is bathed in it. 

“He’s always talked about the good points that you have. Back then, even after we graduated. He admired you silently, since he’s not so vocal about his feelings. A little bit prideful, Mingyu is. Well you know him better than me, to be honest. That is also what he told me.”

“What I want to tell you is that he loves you, we love you. You understand what I’m talking about, right? Both you and Mingyu are some of the very few people I find precious. I don’t want our friendship to fade away just like that. And to be honest, I was so happy that at least you’re here,” Soojung begins to sob and when I approach her to give her my handkerchief, she puts her hand out to refuse it.

“No, it’s okay. I’m fine. I got a little bit too emotional, that’s all.”

I wait as Soojung wipe the tears away and faces me again. “We’ll meet again, Wonwoo–”

“I would never hate him, Soojung. Just be sure of that.”

She smiles and waves me a goodbye, and even when I turn my back from her, I can still hear her shouting to set her up to meet Seulgi and I chortle to myself. An engine of a car starts and I no longer hear Soojung’s feminine voice.

Soojung was a storm that never left. One time she left and the next thing you know, she came back. Not in the form of a storm, but an actual human being who’s finally sure of what she is doing, of what she wants.

I get in my car and before I drive myself home, I sit in silence, seeing how much time has passed by and how things changed. I can’t believe how I made it and how I am still here, despite everything that have happened. And seeing all the things that happened, if I am given the chance to change the way things were, to fix the mistake I did back then, I will not use it. Things that happened have this thing called a chain reaction, where one event to another is connected, and I think chaos will happen if there are people who’re selfish enough to change their fate.

In this life, for everything to go smoothly, there has to be an equal amount of balance, between the bad and good things. Life, after all, is a grotesquely beautiful thing, an enigma which no one will ever be able to solve. As humans, we can only hold on to our principles, to ourselves, and to the people we trust, love and treasure when life tries to strike us down. When it gives us all the good things, we have to be wise enough to filter the people who come for their own benefits, to the ones who genuinely wants to be our friend.

Despite everything that happened, by the end of the day, I find myself being able to forgive the ones who disappointed me, letting me down with their promises when years ago, I couldn’t even imagine myself standing face to face with them. It’s strange, how time is able to heal me through all those years. 

I also learnt that despite our wishes, the odds won’t always be on our favour. Some things just don’t go the way we want it to be, and it’s fine. It will be okay, even though when I learned of that feeling, I was filled with denial. 

The key to it all, after all, is to believe in ourselves. I realised that no matter how much people put their faith in me, the choices lay in my hand. And nothing will ever change if I can’t even trust myself.

I start the engine of my car, driving home, whilst feeling a little bit blue, bruised around the edges, yet whole as I know that I have survived through all hurtles and obstacles life threw beneath my feet. With love and hope in my heart. 

I am here, somehow. Breathing above the water, no longer floating in the sky like vapour trails, and thankful of the chance, to stay alive and survive.