Ever since that time, I always keep myself on guard for anything that is coming ahead of me. I don't want to fall into the depths of hopelessness for another time. I already forgive both Mingyu and Soojung, and with that resolution, I finally can feel myself standing, not floating aimlessly in the air.

Friday, two PM. On the twenty-second of April, under the bright sunny day, the five of us sit together. It's one of those picnic tables outside the college building and Junghan is promoting his band's songs, named Petals, Beautiful Tonight, To the End of the World, and etcetera.

"Y'all should come and watch my band perform. It'll be in this coffee shop near here. Seulgi and Wonwoo must know it: both of you frequently visit it, right?"

"Wait, how do you–”

"My friend is a barista there. You know, the brown haired dude working every Tuesday and Friday, Seulgi? He works part time there and that guy also attends this college. His name is Jisoo and he kinda said that you two made frequent visits to that place. At least, every time he was on his shift," Junghan wiggles his eyebrows funnily and I only ignore his playfulness.

My phone rings and I answer it without seeing the caller.

"Hello, it's Jeon Wonwoo here."

"Wonwoo, can you come home now?" it's my father's voice and I can hear the strain in his voice.

"Wait, what is it, Dad?" I get up, and excuse myself for a moment, grazing my upper lips with the bottom in a deep thought. Worried eyes stare back into mine before I return to the phone.

"It's your mother. I need you to come home. Her condition is not so good right now – she wants to see you, Wonwoo," I imagine my father, rubbing on his temples. From another line, a feminine voices speak of ‘we need more blood transfusions, has Dr. Lee arrived yet? The patient is in a critical condition,’ and it sounds as if the world splitting apart right there, urgent voices and fast paced steps echoing in my ears. "Wonwoo, are you there?"

"Are you in the hospital, Dad?"

"Yes, the one where I got your mother checked in last time.”

"I'm coming, Dad. Wait for me.”

"Have you finished all of your classes?"

I breathed a sigh, to show how exasperated and fidgety I feel right now. How come he is still so caring about my studies, when my mother is probably on the brink of death? I want to get angry at my father for doing so. "It doesn't matter at the moment, Dad. I'm hanging up.”

I press the red button on my phone and return to my seat. As I walk back to our table, my hand skims through my hair, probably turning it more dishevelled than it usually is and I think Seulgi is the first one to see this. She pointed out how I have this habit of running my fingers through my hair whenever I feel frustrated or down and I couldn't agree more with her.

"What's wrong, Wonwoo?" Seulgi is the first to ask as I grab my bag from the table.

"It's my mother. I think something bad happened. I'm going home now, I think I will be back around Monday or so.”

They wish my mother to gain her good health back, and I hope what they are saying will come true.

Before I go, Seulgi gets up and holds me back.

"Wait, Wonwoo.”

"I'm running out of time, Seulgi.”

She seems worried, her fingers fiddle before her restlessly and I don't want her to be like that. "Just don't forget, Wonwoo. Don't forget what I said to you back then. Whatever things that will happen–”

“–I have to keep holding on and life is beautifu–”

"–because it ends. Remember, Wonwoo. Whatever things that might happen, don't let yourself lose.”

When Seulgi suddenly holds my shoulder and stand on her toes, her glossed lips brushes over my cheek, my eyes flutter rapidly. I try to hide my widened eyes as she winks at me, grinning from ear to ear. She just kissed me in front of my friends, in front of other students, in front of the people who judged us, in front of the world.

"Seulgi," my voice is wary of all the attention around us. "I thought that you didn't like people seeing us like this.”

"I'm pushing my rules away for once, just for you. You looked so down and I think you need it," she shrugs it off and brushes off whatever dusts on my shoulders.

I can hear whistles coming from our table and I end up being abashed over something we usually do between the two of us.

"Don't panic, Wonwoo. Only hope for the best.”

"I will, Seulgi. I will."

Æ

I went straight into the train station and in a span of three hours, I arrived and halted a taxi to go to the hospital. My father texted me which room my mother is in, and the receptionist told me it's on the fourth floor. When I got into the elevator, my hands sweated so much and I took a deep breath to calm myself. By the time I got off the elevator and was ready to enter the room, I stopped. I didn't bring any flowers. . Entering the room, I am now welcomed with– wait, almost all of my family members are here. From my mother's and father's side. I even see some of my cousins here.

"Dad, what happened to Mom?" I walk straight to my father who's speaking with my uncle. Something serious must have happened. If not, I won't see everyone whose faces I have forgotten somehow.

My father stops his conversation with my uncle, and unlike what I assumed him to be panicky and restless, my father seems calm. As if he's accepted whatever fate that is destined for my mother.

"We'll talk outside, Wonwoo.”

The grounds beneath me feels like splitting apart. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.

When we are outside, I feel like wanting to vent out all my frustration at him. I know where this is going. But I hold it all in. I am not the only one who is in pain here.

I sit beside the seat my father is patting on.

"Your mother, Wonwoo – it’s a miracle that she survived for this long," his voice is deep and calm, full of consideration, even though he is not looking at me. I guess, it's too painful for him to tell me the truth. After all these times, after all these years assuring me that everything went along well and smooth.

"You're twenty-one years old now, Wonwoo. For me, you were not mature enough to take all of this in back then. And you had a lot of things to think about: college choices, plans for your future. I was worried that you wouldn't be able to juggle all of these responsibilities on your shoulders.”

"Can't she be saved, Dad? Through all these times, is there actually a cure to her sickness?" Looking at my father in the eye for hope, for anything, for any chance of survival, for any chance of being healed, I questioned him.

"We have been stretching the span of her lifetime for so long–"

"Dad, two years are too short for her–"

"It's actually long, Wonwoo. The sickness itself has actually developed for a long time–"

"So, what you're trying to imply is we were actually too late?"

"The doctor said nothing is ever too late. But, she has reached her limit," I notice the attempt my father do to deliver the news without saying it, implying it beneath the lines. And I can only sigh, crestfallen at the possibility and truth that is given in front of me.

Burying my face in my palms, I prepare myself to meet my mother.

"Is she asleep?"

"No, Wonwoo. She's waiting for you.”

I get up and walk to the room. Before that, my father calls my name for the second time.

"Your mother didn't want you to know, Wonwoo. She's always been a fighter, and a stubborn one. She doesn't want to be seen as weak, even by her own son.”

Æ

"Wonwoo, my son. It's been so long.”

I want to cry at the condition of my mother. She wasn't like this last holiday. She was still healthy, even though I noticed her weight loss, but it was never this drastic. I feel like my mother's being reduced to bones, her skin still clear like she used to have but I see bones covered by layers of skin, popping out from the neck part of her hospital gown. 

"Mom, I forgot to buy you your favourite flowers," I manage a smile, just so that it can reflect hers. I sit beside my mother as she shifts in her bed, the gas mask which is seemingly alike to those in alien movies to provide oxygen rests in her lap.

"No, the most important thing is that you're here. You're finally here. How's college?" my mother's hair is still short and even with her sunken eyes and cheeks, her face is still shining with her unfading smile.

"There were some problems, but now it's taken care of.”

"Is everything fine, Wonwoo?" My mom is worried again, even though she should be worrying herself. She's withering and fading away.

"Everything's fine now. All is well, for me," somehow, this time, I am able to answer with certainty, in full honesty. Not like my other attempts to answer for the sake of my mother to not be worried.  A mother is supposed to be worried all the time for her child's condition, so I assured her instead.

"Wonwoo, you're starting to look more and more like your late uncle. My younger brother, who died at the age of seventeen," she muses and I remember a frame photo of a young man in my grandmother's living room. He was sitting on this motorcycle similar to his size, a smirk played on his lips and wild eyes staring back at me. He was wearing a blue shirt and blue jeans. His hair was in a short buzz cut, and I can see that I resemble him a bit.

"He died in a motorcycle accident. His head hit the pavement, and he was gone, just like that. A boisterous young teen, he was. Never obeying your grandmother, always off to hang out with his friends, he was that kind of kid. Nevertheless, he was my brother. Jaehoon was good with kids, also. I think one thing that reminds me of him is that you have his eyes, Wonwoo. He boasted a lot that girls were attracted to his eyes, which was the truth. You would have been so close to him if he was to live long enough," My mother recites all the things of her brother in nostalgia and how evident it is that she misses him.

"When I first heard of his death, I laughed it off. It was illogical because your uncle was a good driver. Well, it turned out that his skill became the death of him.”

"Your grandmother almost went insane," her voice falls into a whisper, afraid to be heard by my grandmother in the next waiting space. "–I didn't grieve as much as your grandmother did. Probably because I accepted it, that this was just a part of life. We all will leave this world someday, even though we will be leaving at different times, one to the other.”

I look down to my fingers, folding and unfolding by itself. She's bidding me a farewell, and I don't want to do it. I can't do it.

"Mom, why are you telling me all of this?" my voice cracks, and I can feel my mother holding in her breath when I did.

She manages another smile, taking my hand in hers. A smile full of wisdom and clarity. "You know, Wonwoo. Every little thing that is happening in our life is beautiful and it means something. From the life we are given, numbered by days, months to years, we must live it to the fullest, not wasting any time given to us. Because of the limited time that we have, we, and you especially, need to treasure the things that you care about. Life is beautiful because it ends and it means that you will have to appreciate everything in your life, especially the little things. All big things start from a small group of ideas,"

"Seulgi just said that to me," the word slips from my lips, and my mother's eyes flash in curiosity.

"Seulgi? Who is she?"

I run my fingers to the side of my neck with my other hand that is not being held under my mother's bony fingers. "She's my girlfriend, Mom.”

"Why didn't you tell me, Wonwoo? Finally, my son has a girl in his arms," my mother's face blooms and she's eager to know about Seulgi, throwing small questions about her.

I feel heat running to my ears and I calm my mother down. "Okay, okay. Calm down, Mom. Seulgi is kind and she's beautiful. She's thoughtful, very caring and also passionate in her dancing. She's reserved at times–"

I keep talking and talking about her, and the smile on my mother's face grows wider and wider to the point it can't get any more stretched than that. I end up having to stop myself because I shouldn't be talking about Seulgi non-stop like this.

"Mom, why are you not stopping me?"

"How can I? You look so happy, Wonwoo. You should see yourself.”

"She sounds like a promising future daughter-in-law.”

I smile at my mother's remark, a beautiful smile curves into her lips. "I hope we will stay together for a long time.”

The sun is setting down outside, and despite the cold, I feel warm. It's strange. What my mother said about life gives a sense of warmth in the pit of my stomach. The kind that stays and is stubborn to fade away. 

"There is always a reason for everything that happened in life. Be it the bad ones, or good ones. Both play its own part in polishing us to become a better person, by the end of the day. Whenever you face a hard obstacle in life, just see it as a chance given to improve yourself, to become a more refined human being," my mother is gripping my hand tightly, as if wanting me to remember her words exactly as it is, engraving her words into the lines of my hand and the gaps in my memories.

"I'm tired, Wonwoo. I want to sleep.”

"But Mom, it's only six PM–”

"I know, Wonwoo. I know," my mother nods as she fixes herself into the bed, her covers up to her neck. She's saying goodbye and even though she told me to be strong, it's difficult. It's hard. It's so hard. It's difficult to imagine that I will come home without her knitting in her rocking chair, without my father coming home to accompany her below the moonlight, to no longer buy edelweiss for my mother, to not see my mother laughing at my father as he dances to some old classic song by himself, to not have someone worrying over me from time to time, to lose the presence of a mother who means the world to me.

"Mom, I love you," my voice shakes and I breathe out my words heavily before she closes her eyes, before slipping into a world where she will either come home to us or not. I let the tears fall as I bid my mother a farewell.

"I know, Wonwoo. And I do too, always have," her bony fingers reach out to my face, brushing it away as her hand trembles. Her eyes are smiling wistfully in tears, but stays on the sockets of her eyes and it doesn't seem to fall any sooner.”

I breathe in, then breathe out. "I hope when you wake up, you'll be better, Mom." It's silly and stupid. I keep wishing for her survival even though I know that everything has already been settled.

She sighs. "I hope so," then she closes both of her eyes, the tears fall down in the process and she doesn't wipe it away. This will be the last tears that she sheds from her eyes, so I let it stay there, making its last kiss to my mother's face.

Closed eyelids and slow breath intakes before me, I wait beside her, all day long. Waiting for her to wake up, making sure that my mother will wake up in the next morning.

Æ

On the strike of one AM, my mother inhales her last breath of fresh air, with buckets of edelweiss all over her room. It's probably coming from my mother's side. They all know how much my mother loves them. It's a bittersweet feeling, seeing my mother gone, yet I am glad that she is able to have the things and people she loves close to her.

Everybody is crying, both from my mother’s and father's side. My grandmother's sobs are the loudest and I don't need to question it since my mother just told me how broken she was when my late uncle died. I try to be strong for all of them; for my mom, for my father, and for all of my families. I'm my mother's son, and if they see me not shedding a tear, then perhaps they might see me as a source of strength. When my mother's body is about to be taken away, my father is the last person to approach her.

I can't imagine the pain he is feeling right now. They have been together for so long and loved each other for so long. It never crossed my mind that this day will come so soon and so fast. I see my father lean close to my mother's temple, and I can hear something that breaks my heart for my father, losing the love of his life.

"You can rest now, Youngae. You no longer have to fight. I love you, always," he presses his lips over her forehead for fifteen seconds. When he lets go, I see my father wiping his face with his handkerchief. 

He's looking down and I pat him in the back. "It's okay, Dad. She's in a better place now.”

My father only smile at me, ruffling my hair like I was six years old, then put his arm around mine, guiding me away from my mother's body.

My mother is gone, but it doesn't mean she will be forgotten. She will always have a special place, between my father and me, and also in the hearts of those who treasure her dearly.

Æ

The funeral is on Saturday, and some of my close friends appeared on the ceremony. Black suits, black shirts, black skirts and dresses. Everything that is black is painted across all of us. Junghan, Soonyoung, Seungwan and Seulgi were the first ones to appear.

Junghan hugged me, tighter than the usual. He said that my mother was very nice to him, Soonyoung and Seungcheol when they made a visit to our house last holiday. Soonyoung's eyes were red, and I ended up comforting him, saying that everything is fine, because it actually is. Seungwan hugged me for a bit because we were not so close, yet she told me how my mother is in a better place. I thanked her, because that is what I wish her to be in.

When it was Seulgi's turn to hug me, she held my hand instead. "Wonwoo, are you okay?" her voice was gentle.

My fingers rested above her small palm and I only managed a small smile at her as I nodded my head. "Yes. I am, somehow.”

"This is not how I want you to meet my mother, Seulgi," holding her hand in mine, I looked at her in regret. "Last night, she asked me about you. She liked you, Seulgi.”

"It's okay, Wonwoo. It's okay.”

The ceremony was held in the church where my parents got married. I tried to listen to the priest's preaching, but my thoughts keep flying to my mother. How she will be six feet under us, how she is no longer there, inside a shell that is said to be her body. The building is hushed in prayers and wishes for my mother to rest in peace. When it came to the end, people were giving us words of condolences. Some were family members whose faces I was familiar with, to my mother's friends who were bubbling tears from their eyes and my father stayed strong for them all. There were also my father's friends and also Mingyu's father. They hugged longer than the other people who hugged my father, and he patted my father's back countless of times. Everybody who went past me only said words of pity, which I accepted because those who lost their loved ones deserved to be pitied over. 

Mingyu's father did a different thing unlike the others.

"Hey, kiddo. Take care of your old man, okay? He's always been too independent on his own. Lend your shoulder a bit for him, okay?" Mr. Kim uttered care-freely, then messed with my hair. His smile reminded me of Mingyu, and if he were to be younger than he is now, he would look like a carbon copy of Mingyu. It suddenly felt like Mingyu himself was speaking to me, the familiarity, and the carefree way of carrying himself.

"I will, Uncle.”

"Good kid," he messed with my hair for the second time, and I only looked down.

"Hey, Mingyu couldn't come today. He's busy with his studies, I hope you understand,"

"Yes, Uncle. It's fine."

Despite of my words, I wished that he came. And also Soojung. My mother was very fond of them and perhaps it will make my mother happy also, to see them and also reuniting with me. Because silently, I know that's what my mother wanted us to be.

Æ

The burial began, and it was depressing. Everything that revolved around death has always been sadness, and it wasn't any different from this one. Clad in a black shirt and black jeans, I stood beside my father as the priest began the burial. I hope Seulgi was standing beside me, holding my hand. It was difficult, knowing my mother's body is going to be buried six feet under our home, our whole lives built on the surface. Everybody brought flowers for the dead; roses, orchids, lilies. My mother disliked orchids and I would never know the reason, just because she said she just disliked it for no reason.

I brought a bucket of edelweiss on my own. The burial went by and I waited until everyone finished giving their last words to my mother. The crowd that was all over my mother's grave lessen little by little, decreased to my family members and my friends. I saw Jongin, Sehun and also Taemin. He was looking down as he followed the two and I was glad they didn't leave him.

"How could you not tell us, Wonwoo? I thought we were buddies!" Jongin sounded hurt, but he hugged me nonetheless. 

"There wasn't any chance to bring this up. I didn't really like to talk about my mother's sickness, you know. How did you know?"

"Soonyoung told us. Don't know how he got the idea that you never told us any of this. Come here, man. You look horrible," Sehun motioned to come closer and I shook my head as I proceeded to do so.

"I look decent, okay? There were times when I was ten times darker than this," Sehun hugged me nonetheless, patting me on the neck. His trimmed brown hair fell short above my head. Sehun's always been tall, taller than the four of us, but probably not as tall as I imagine Mingyu would be, right now.

"Someone's here for you.”

Taemin shuffled closer from the path that is opened between Sehun and Jongin, a bucket of roses in his hands, and he wore a matching shirt to both Jongin and Sehun. He was awkwardly avoiding my eyes and I tried to understand and forgive him, since he came all the way here to see me.

"I'm sorry, Wonwoo. I didn't know," he sighs, his feet moving, kicking and scrunching grass beneath him. "I'm sorry for your mother, Wonwoo.”

"Don't worry, Taemin. She's resting somewhere, anywhere more comfortable than this world.”

"–And, I'm sorry for being a douche. For dissing Seulgi, for turning your life upside down. For ruining everything, I'm sorry, man." It surprised me, his apology really took me aback that moment. Even both Jongin and Sehun who raised theirs eyebrows and had bulging eye sockets.

"I will, if you stop wasting your life like this, Taemin. Drop your bad habits, stop going into clubs. Get your life together, Taemin. You have so much things waiting for you in the future.”

"Do you really think so, Wonwoo?” at that moment, I saw Taemin's lost eyes, as if he was hearing foreign words he never heard before. I wondered that moment, even for once, had people ever considered of encouraging him about his future. I had seen Taemin's dance and it was promising. He has his own signature movements and aura that will catch your attention and make you stare, in minutes until he finishes his dance piece.

"Of course, I do," and when Taemin hugged me, I stiffened up, then relaxed when I realised that he was being genuine. At least he admitted his faults. Sometimes, what you need is just a word of apology, in sincerity and genuine feelings. If people would admit their mistakes more openly, perhaps the world will be brighter and happier, somehow.

Everything was flowing in a fast, yet slow pace. People coming, leaving flowers, though not all of them brought one since most had given them back in the church. Even though I sneaked in little edelweiss in her coffin, I wasn't satisfied.

When it was left to my father and I, Seulgi and my friends were the last to leave. She kissed me goodbye on the cheek, letting my face rested on her palm for a moment, her fingers rubbing on the side of my face for a while, away from my father's eyes even after I introduced her to him. I didn't want to let go of her hand, but I still did because I still wanted to stay with the empty shell of my mother's body, which was buried six feet under our saddened souls.

"Wonwoo, you can cry now."

I took a seat beside my father, before my mother's funeral, and I only look at him. Without any warning, I break into sobs which I have been holding back all these times, which I have forgotten as people's hugs were able to calm down the storm which was circling and twisting my insides. My father pulls my body into his, and I cover my mouth with my palm as I can feel myself gouging and pumping out sadness. My father saw through me so easily, given the fact that I am his son and he's always been observant and honest with his feelings.

Trembling and breathing very heavily, the present me wept like when I was thirteen years old, haunted by the idea of monsters under my bed that I ended up crying myself to sleep. It was all nightmares until my mother slipped in and calmed me down, humming me a tune I would always remember. Twenty-one years old, the death of my mother still shakes my whole existence terribly.

"Dad, sh-she won't be there anymore. Mom won't be home anymore w-when we come home," through sobs, I try to utter a word which probably sounded incoherent and incomprehensible. My father understood somehow, replying me with a sigh.

"She will always be here with us Wonwoo. No matter what happen. She's left so many memories for us and she wants you to grow up into a great man. Your mother always said that to me. She was so far into the future, she already imagined you in marriage and having kids," my father chortles bitterly. I look at my father's eyes and within this proximity, I can see that he's tired from taking care of my mother, but now he's relieved of having to see her suffer all the time, clinging onto life when it was slipping away from her.

She's no longer here and I am just waiting for the one day my life will be taken away. We all will end up there, someday. It's three PM and the wind is breezy, the sun is not as passionate in this side of the town and my father enjoys the wind. I'm content that we are no longer in denial of my mother's death, because it will pain her more to know that we are holding her back to go to a better place. And with that, we bid each of our silent farewells to the shell that has carried my mother's soul for more than forty years, buried six feet under, owning my mother's face, yet empty without its soul alive beneath.

By the end of spring, as shades of red summer settle between us, my mother passed away. A bucket of edelweiss is in my hands and slowly, bit by bit, each strand of it flies away into the sky. Somehow, I hope that Mom can see us and be assured that even though she left us and we are not as whole as we used to be when she was here, someday we will be okay and we will be surviving through all these obstacles in life, waiting to strike us down.

Æ

I re Monday because I couldn't skip classes and my father also doesn't want me to. He has his scriptwriting job to do and I also have college lessons to finish. Just because my mother's life stopped, doesn't mean mine will. Those who live will continue to live, then only will earth still rotate for twenty-four hours and revolve every three hundred and sixty-four days. Thinking about it, it makes me realise how insignificant we are as human beings. But I always push that thought away, somehow.

We are here for a reason, no matter how small our existences are, no matter how small we think we are.

For me, each of us have our own roles in life. Each of us humans, our lives are connected to each other in ways we never imagine it to be. Once you are connected to someone, no matter how many times you try to cut the connection, somehow you will find it being fixed, being tied or being glued back by some magic power glue, or this strong will inside your heart wanting to reunite, even when your head which is full of all the logical thoughts will deny your feelings, condemning you as weak, fickle and even submissive.

When I got home that day, and after waking up from sleep, I was ready to get back into drawing, already wearing my black rimmed glasses and my dark blue sweater, when someone knocked on my door.

"Wait, what are you doing here, Seulgi?"

"Am I bothering you? You know, I can just walk b–"

"You're out of your mind, Seulgi. Why are you always taking a stroll around here so casually? It's almost six PM here and it's getting dark," I tug on her wrist, and pull her inside, closing the door. I shuffle towards my table with my pants reaching to my feet. 

"It lets me take a breath of fresh air, you know. It's kind of suffocating, to isolate myself in practice rooms for almost all day. I love dancing, but I need space to breathe too, Wonwoo. Wait, since when did you wear glasses?"

"I have always worn glasses. I just prefer to wear it at home," I shrug the question away and crack my knuckles, beginning to brainstorm for ideas.

"You look good in them," she praises and I shake my head in denial.

"Don't really think so. Thanks, though."

"Can I play some music? Soft ones. Perhaps it might help you in getting ideas, Wonwoo.”

"Okay, Seulgi.”

The music starts and she plays with her phone on the sofa, on the right side of my table. It's the song from that artist she has been listening a lot, Dean, his supposed stage name is. Seems like she will be playing the whole discography, so I might as well indulge myself into the songs.

His voice is mellow and soothing. I see Seulgi bobbing her head along beat drops and I chortle silently, seeing her so immersed into the song. I feel like drawing flowers, so I start to draw one. I imagine buckets of flowers from my mother's funeral; pink orchids, red roses, white lilies and chrysanthemums. The colours seem too pale in my head, too pink and light so I keep a sticky note in my mind to alter the colours into stark ones.

Fifteen minutes, twenty minutes, then one hour, I face my sketchpad, detailed flowers in four sections, each of it is separated by a thin line of graphite. Blue roses, red lilies, yellow orchids and broken white chrysanthemums. I keep the white one in the middle to even out the stark differences in colours.

"You know, Seulgi. You've been quiet, all this ti–"

She's off to her own land of thoughts again, her legs covered in blue jeans drawn up to her chest as she leans back to the wall. She's wearing an oversized white plain t-shirt with a picture of acrylic flowers on the front. The hair dye of silver is fading away, and I wonder if she will re-dye it again.

Snapping my fingers, Seulgi quickly wakes up.

"What are you thinking again, hm?"

"I'm just thinking, how are you feeling right now, Wonwoo?" she scoots to the side of the sofa, which is close to my table, and stares at me, her face propped by her hands.

"I thought that I actually might go crazy, for real. I mean, it still hurts a little. But I'm fine, I guess," I stop myself from giving more colours into it, and close my sketchbook. Too much colours will end your drawing sometimes. There needs to be a balance between the background colour and the object itself.

I sit beside her and she is smiling way too much. "Hey, what's so funny about my face now?"

"You should wear glasses more often. It really suits you and I'm being honest here," she taps the frame of my glasses and I only blink back at her sudden adoration.

"You're bursting out with affections, I'm actually pretty scared hearing you like this.”

She raises an eyebrow of hers. "I have always been like this and don't ever think I will ever let you do any weird things.”

"Okay, okay. Whatever Kang Seulgi says," she only raises her shoulders and gives in. It's been a few days since I get to see Seulgi in such a close range and she's getting thinner. 

"Have you been eating properly?"

"I have. It's just that I am easily exhausted these days. And Wonwoo, just because I stopped asking, you are still completely free from cigarettes right?"

"Of course I stopped. Look at those jars of candies : they are the replacements for the cigarette packs," I stopped smoking a long time ago and I made a mental note to myself how my mother died from it and I don't want to repeat the same mistake. At least I stop, before it's all too late.

"Well, I'm glad if you do." she purses her lips, her eyes not looking at mine. A comfortable silence hovers over us, with the gap between our fingers and legs, my eyes on Seulgi and her eyes looking, roaming across the room.

The music stops and Seulgi turns to me. "Wonwoo.”

"Yes?" my eyes don't move from her face when she meets my eyes, only shift a little from her lips to her eyes. Feline eyes which strikes me away as fierce and passionate at times, then tender and caring at certain moments. 

"Wonwoo, you know that our relationship just started not too long ago. But despite of that, we find ourselves to be in this closeness, to know so much things about each other. We have known each other for almost a year and I'm really glad that I met you. I really do. You accept me for who I am and that goes the same for me. I noticed how you are unsure of me, sometimes. But I can't blame you, because I was hesitant about you sometimes too. We are worried if anything between us will end the next time we step out from here, or tomorrow, or the days after. At least, I did. I still do," her tongue glides over her dry lips as she said this, sometimes looking at me, then looking at anything behind me. I listen, processing her feelings and words into my mind. It's rare of Seulgi to tell me of her feelings in such a straightforward way. Especially now, when there is no trigger which demands her emotional side to show.

"What I want to say is, for me, you are like a clear night sky and I don't mean it in any bad way. When I look at you, I can feel the stars line up between us, making us inch closer and closer. Maybe, we're kinda bruised by life along the way, kinda making things up also to protect ourselves from each other. Despite of that, I want us to be together for a long time," she's gripping on her jeans and I believe that she's afraid of whatever things I might say. She's stepping outside of her boundaries and she's not wearing any safety belt for it.

“I sound so selfish, don't I, Wonwoo? Forget it. I sounded pushy, I shouldn–“

“No, you didn’t sound pushy. I’m glad that you said your thoughts aloud. It gives me a sense of relief, somehow,” I take her hand in mine, running my hand across her fingers.

“You remember, right? When you said that I won’t meet the same kind of people like when I was sixteen?”

“Yes, what about that?” she asks inquisitively and I look at her for a moment with a reassuring smile.

“I think I won’t meet another person like Kang Seulgi right before me in my life, so I hope that will assure you enough that we are not separating any time sooner.”

Rouge heat dashes to her ears, and she smiles, deep lines forming near her cheeks, pushing her cheeks away to form a sweet smile. I end up brushing my lips over hers. Half-dry lips brushes against my lips back and her lips tastes familiar. It’s probably from one of the candies she tried, as her lips give a taste of artificial strawberries because I had tried real strawberry fruits and they didn’t taste like this one. Seulgi’s lips are still soft, despite anything. I can’t miss the feeling of euphoria inside my head whenever my lips touch hers and this time isn’t any different.

Seulgi’s hands are on the side of my face and I hold back any desire that arises in me. Seulgi trusts me and I don’t want to let her down. When we let go of each other, a bit out of breath and more in love, she leans back to the couch.

"Do you think we will stay strong, let's say, five years?" she's holding my hand tight, her eyes on the ceilings.

"I hope so, I believe so. Even more than that.”

"Do you think, I will be able to continue into med school? For my parent's sake?"

"I think, by the end of the day, the choices lay in your hands. If you really don't want to, your parents will grow to understand, somehow. It's your life, Seulgi. You are the one who is going to live it all, so I think they will understand.”

"I hope I can be like you, Wonwoo. Your life seems all planned up and you are certain of your life's choices.”

Interlacing my fingers with hers, I feel her head on my shoulder, her cheek pressed on my sweater, tresses of her hair touching my neck and her arm pressed into mine, transferring warmth to my body. It feels right and I feel content with the way things are and this is one of the things which I wish to last forever through time.

I'm not sure if forever exists, to be honest. Because we are all ephemeral beings whose span of lifetime is so short, even though it seems so long. But I still wish, silently to my heart, whispering and chanting that there is forever hiding between the gaps which are filled by our own fingers, latching on to each other.

"It's just the way things are, I guess. It's just my way of living my life. Being resolute about a certain goal is what keeps me going, even though there were a few times that I lost track of my purpose in life. But there were always people who didn't fail to remind me of it, beneath the lines of their encouragements and assurances. And with that, I found hope for a better tomorrow, and you also will, Seulgi. Believe in yourself, I know you always do, but I just want to remind you of that. You were the one who told me this, and now I am here, to tell you to believe in yourself. That you will make the right choices, despite anything that is weighing you down."