I no longer joined Taemin, Sehun and Jongin's adventures when I found out that I love Seulgi. It's a vile deed that I have done, and I want to keep that secret away from Seulgi forever. It's a dark secret of mine that I desperately want her to not know. I can't imagine what I would do if her ears catch any word of this.

I am currently breaking the news to them. Jongin and Sehun don’t seem to mind my decision.

"It's good to know when to stop, Wonwoo. Don't become like me," Jongin declares casually with a smile, then he gulps down his favourite orange juice. I see Jongin's eyes blacken a bit, probably drowned in the truth that he can't stop himself from doing those pointless adventures.

"I always knew that you are not into this kind of thing. It's boring to you now, right?" Sehun chides subtly, but I couldn't care less. He has always been like this, to the point that it can be seen as a refreshing answer to have from him.

"You can do better than her," Taemin's voice is sharp and mocking, and I begin to try to figure out what he means. My mind keeps flying to Seulgi, but I push that possibility away, because the idea has etched a deep frown on my face. "You have been hanging with that Seulgi kid, right? Tch, what do you see in her–"

Jongin groans, slamming his bottle against the ground but it doesn't make any impact as we are currently sitting beneath the tree, like the usual. I felt my insides starting to burn right there, and I could not hold back the glare that appears distinctly as I feel my eyes begin to stare viciously at him.

"Oh god, Lee Taemin, don't start–"

"–she doesn't have any amount of appeal, and she is straight like a board from top to bottom. And don't you notice how her right eye seems crooked more than the left? It's strange! Besides, I've heard that she's Mrs. Han's puppet student, and she that old woman's whenever she gets the chance. Is it because she's a good –"

" Taemin, why are you being like this?!"

Taemin has brutally and judgementally jabbed all of that in Seulgi, admonishing her for something she has never done before and I was livid, my heart beating so fast as Seulgi's name is being said in such a callous way, connected with a bunch of lies and false judgements of Taemin. Taemin pushed my limits across the line, and I fling myself to land a punch to his face, while Sehun and Jongin are attempting to pull me away to stop me from ruining Taemin's pretty face. Students are beginning to crowd amongst of us, but Jongin is strong enough hold me from beating Taemin into an ugly pulp, as he doesn't even try to fight back. Sehun immediately tell the students that everything is under control, before everything gets too big and the council members step down to take care of this.

I don't feel any regret in turning Taemin's face a shade of blue and purple, and I'm still ready to give him another strike in the stomach. "Who the are you to judge her?! You know nothing about her!" I growled, with Jongin holding my arms back like a madman. "A good ? Huh? Don't you even hear yourself, Lee Taemin? I'm not as shallow as you think I am, and obviously not as you are!" I jab my forefinger atrociously at him countlessly, each jab to make a point of how wrong he was to judge Seulgi in such a cruel way.

Taemin keeps his silence. "She's not some good  to have around! And all what you have accused of her are not true! I know Seulgi and she's anything but the things that you said!"

"You know what? My words don't matter. You're just like those people who put her down all the time. I'm out of here. You can let go of me, Jongin–"

"Wait, Wonwoo– , Taemin! What's your point in doing this?!" I hear Jongin's complaints to him as I walk away without turning back. Sehun probably stares at them both, saying nothing.

Æ

"You know, Wonwoo. Your reaction is normal for the words that Taemin said back then," sitting in my graphic design class, before the computer as Sehun is sitting beside me, he suddenly blurts this out while the class proceeds.

"He has always been an . A painfully judgemental who picks on girls. That's why his luck with girls is so bad perhaps."

I keep my silence, because I don't see any point in giving him my comment on that. "You might be surprised hearing this from me, but I hope this doesn't affect our friendship, man." 

I finally turn to look at Sehun. "Nothing will change between us, Sehun. But I can no longer hang out with you all. Please understand my decision," I can no longer hang out with them if Taemin is there. I don't want to hear him throw anymore shades about Seulgi. 

Sehun nods cordially. "It's because of him, right?"

I let him believe in anything that he wants to hold, and we stay in silence for the rest of the lesson.

Æ

When we meet up in the diner near Junghan's rented room during the weekend, Junghan and Soonyoung confront me with the news that they heard from one major to another.

"Wonwoo, did you punch an upperclassman? I can't believe you did it!" Soonyoung hollers, somehow excitedly, and I scrunch my nose in irritation.

Junghan notices the change in my expression and slaps Soonyoung on the arm. Not very hard as I don't hear the 'shlap' sound to his skin. Then he turns to me. "Why did you hit him, hm?"

I sigh, because I don't want to feel angry again as I talk about this, but I want my friends to know the reason behind the violence I rarely show to people. "He said something very upsetting about Seulgi."

"Ah, I see. So a girl can bring out the madness in you. Hm, props to her," Junghan smiles, but I'm not feeling angered by his smile since he seems content that I have finally found my object of affection. 

"Do you love her?" I almost flinch because Soonyoung is here, but then I remember Soonyoung doesn't mind the topic anymore, as he has gotten over his love problems, now with Seungwan in his arms, an exuberant girl from Junghan's class with straight blond tresses. Also the girl who sits beside Seulgi in math class, our math class. They became closer ever since Seulgi introduced her to him, and somehow they clicked with each other. It was surprising to see because Soonyoung has always shunned the idea to be introduced to girls.

I'm glad that Soonyoung has finally found someone who can make him forget that pain of love.

"Yes, Han. Yes, I do."

"Then what are you waiting for? Profess your love! Winter is around the corner – It's the perfect season!"

"Hey, how about getting yourself a girl first? You have been pushing Wonwoo around too much, you should do your own advice!" Soonyoung mocks, laughing into Junghan's face.

"I am focusing on my studies now. The band already keeps me busy as it is, performing from one place to another, so it's a choice to have myself single,"

Soonyoung scoffs in sarcasm. "Yeah, right."­­­

"Hey guys, are you two going home this winter?" I ask in wonder, since I have this idea in mind if we can hang out with Seungcheol. 

Soonyoung nods in confirmation. "Yeah, I plan to go back since I have this Christmas celebration back home that I can't miss. How about you, Han?" 

Junghan seems uncertain as he ponders his answer. "I don't know… ugh, I kind of don't want to see my older brother, he'll be home on Christmas. What's with the question, Wonwoo?" Junghan has never been fond of his brother, who constantly forces him to cut his hair, because he said that he looks like a girl. Even though Junghan thinks, his hair is what separates him from other people. Even his parents don't mind, since Junghan told me how back in the days, his father also had a long hair because it was trending in his time. Different generation, different trends, Junghan never really cares about that.

"Well, my hair is the sign of my own freedom. I don't want to change it just because one person doesn't like it," Junghan had gushed out in irritation back then in high school, telling us his thoughts of how his brother was being a busybody. 

"I just think that we can hang out, you know. Seungcheol said he is coming home this time, unlike last year–" 

"Wait, Seungcheol is coming home?!" Soonyoung shrieks in surprise and happiness all at once. I nod, and Junghan snaps his finger in realisation. 

"Yes! Seungcheol will come home this winter! If that's the case, then I can just stay in his house-" 

My stare at Junghan hardens. I know he doesn't like his brother meddling with his life, but Junghan needs to face this. Seungcheol has his family, and personally, I think that he would be intruding Seungcheol's family gathering in Christmas. 

"I know you won't do that. You'll be intruding his family time," I thoughtfully suggest him, and he nods, pondering about his decision. 

Junghan breathes an exasperated sigh. "Oh God, why should my brother go home?!" Junghan's frustration spills out and he begins to eat the french-fries before him recklessly, dipping fries deep into the cheese sauce until they are almost covered entirely of sauce. 

"You're wasting so much food for yourself, Junghan!" Soonyoung snatch both the fries and the cheese sauce from him and cover it with his arms. I begin to laugh, ignoring the stares that we earn. 

We never care about other people's judgements, when we are together. Well, it seems so, at least for myself. When we are together, I always feel invincible, as if nothing can hurt me. Like we are this strong trio who will never break, because we are constantly spending time together and even if we scold each other a lot, we always find ourselves here together. 

To be honest, there were times when I'd get hurt due to Soonyoung's jokes and Junghan's teasings, at times I felt like they were picking on me. But then, whenever I would meet them for the next time, that irritation and pain would fade away, as we would laugh and joke our way through our problems. Junghan with his wish to be an accountant, Soonyoung with his dream to become an aspiring dancer, and my own dream to become an illustrator at this company that I have been watching for a long time. It's amazing how we are already twenty years old in our lives, standing on the bridge towards adulthood. 

Everything feels so close yet so far right now, both our childhood and our future. And we can only wish for the best in everything as we strive for the future, for the odds to be in our favour. 

Æ

"Seems like there is an empty seat there, do you mind if I take a seat?" 

The voice is way too familiar for us to not recognise, and when I look up, it's Seungcheol with his jet black hair and goofy grin and we burst into hugs and cheers for this return of our old friend who is away for a long time for his study, far away from the three of us. We take turns in hugging him. Seungcheol is a friend who has the role of an older brother I never had. He takes a seat beside Sooyoung, in front of me.

"Wait– what's with that hair below your nose, are you growing a moustache?!" Soonyoung questions incredulously, pointing at Seungcheol's light moustache below his nose. 

"Oh, this? I like it, the girls like it, my mother said it's manly of me to have this. So I don't see the problem of it," Seungcheol jests, and we laugh at how ridiculous he sounds. Seungcheol has always been the jester in the group, along with Soonyoung. 

"But seriously," Seungcheol fixes his jacket and coughs, clearing his throat, “It's nice, guys. I look manlier with this–" 

"–just keep it that way. Grow it more, and girls will freak out since you'll look like an old geezer," I point out the truth, yet Seungcheol cracks out a chortle, shaking his head. 

"Damn, Wonwoo. I'd never get enough of you joking while having a straight face. That's a plus point, you know?" I shrug it away without much thought, digging my arms deep into my jacket's pocket. 

Winter's claws are seeping into our bones, and the best thing we can do is to wear clothes as thick as possible, so we won't freeze to death. 

"So, how's it going between you all?" 

"All of us are doing great–" 

"I mean girlfriends, you little rascal. Don't tell me none of you have any–" 

Soonyoung excitedly intervenes. "Well, Junghan said he doesn't need one," and Seungcheol turns to Junghan in disbelief, flabbergasted by the claim. Junghan only shrugs it off. 

"So, you still hold on to that principle of yours, to focus fully on your studies? You're insane, Han. College is our last chance to have one serious love." 

I gaze strangely at Seungcheol. Since when did Seungcheol ever consider anything related to love? The guy is anything but aloof to that topic. He has never mentioned it once, but Junghan doesn't look surprised by it. Perhaps, because Junghan has a long history back with Seungcheol, having their parents as best friends and such, they pretty much know each other all of their lives. 

"We can always find who we want to be with, out there. The place never matters at all," Junghan muses, taking small sips from a cup of hot chocolate in his hand. I only look at my own drink, a hot black coffee, my hand stirring the whirling black hole in silence. The tide ripples calmly with each movements from the spoon. 

"Putting my matters aside," Junghan begins, then he places his arm around me who sits beside him. "Wonwoo finally got himself a girl, after all these years. And yeah, that also goes to the dude beside you." 

His eyes flutter in astonishment for a while, then he proceeds to put Soonyoung in a headlock, and I guess this kind of thing is something that's done only between the four of us.

When his eyes meet mine, I see a hint of nervousness that I can't grasp the reason behind it. Then, Seungcheol's lips melt into a warm smile, and he stretches out his hand and messes with my hair fondly. "Finally, Wonwoo! What is she like? Tell me, you have to introduce me to her someday!"

"She– Seulgi is, she is special, I guess. I mean, she is indeed special for me. I can't explain it, perhaps you have to meet her to understand." 

"I'm willing to meet her, but I don't need to understand, Wonwoo. You are the only person who needs to understand why she is so special. If I come to understand her, then perhaps I'd fall for her like you did. You don't want that, right?" 

Seungcheol's words struck me awake, how love is something that shouldn't be told carelessly. It would be nice to see people appreciate her more, but I guess I have been doing it the wrong way. I care too much of Seulgi, even when she seems to not mind what people think about her. 

At that moment, something that is lukewarm blooms beneath me, and I remember Seulgi and her eyes that are made to fight the demons, and her lips that are carved to show beauty in its simplicity. And she is everything that I could wish for, all this time.

Æ

I recall a week before this, when Seulgi and I were in the place we could call our sanctuary, despite the ground being made of rock and sand, and wild flowers growing here and there. I remember everything vividly, like a movie which plays out in my mind with a permanent assurance that I won't forget this, ever. 

We weren't supposed to be outside: it was the beginning of winter and the snow has started to fall. Laughter of children could be heard from the streets, Christmas trees placed in diners and shops, with colourful and shining ornaments adorning them. I could almost hear the sound of Santa Claus' bells, his sleigh ready to land in this town. 

I wanted to come home fast, so that I could enjoy my mother's Christmas cookies freshly made from her hand– wait, perhaps my father would make it, even though the one he made has never been more delicious that my mother's. My mother could barely do anything at this point, and the thought was eating me every day. I clung desperately onto hope and chose to ignore that possibility. 

Seulgi had insisted to come, because she wanted to see the electric blue skies in winter. Seulgi, clad in her winter boots, black coat and black jeans. There were still signs of silver in her hair, beneath the layers of her ringlets, pushed and pulled by the winter breeze.

I planned on confessing my love for Seulgi that day, and I had problems of choosing the things I wanted to give her. Seulgi doesn't like flowers, she said that it's ephemeral and she thinks that flowers belong in the ground to live their short-lived existence, not to be plucked out, then given and sold. She is also allergic to chocolate, so my last resort is to give her a bear in the closest thing of her favourite colour: pastel blue. 

I was also anxious about whether Seulgi actually feels the same way as I do. I mean, even though Seulgi hangs a lot with me, who knows if she is actually meeting other guys, and even treat them the same way as she does to me. It made me think that I wasn't special and important enough for Seulgi, as Seulgi still has secrets she wasn't willing to share. I thought of backing out of this feelings of mine for her. But I remembered what happened between me and Soojung, and I didn't want to repeat the same mistake. I was young, and I still had so many years to live. I didn't want to end up in regret for not doing the things I want to do. 

We met in the afternoon, Seulgi carrying a duffel bag and she held out a picnic of her own between the two of us. Seulgi bought coffee instead of hot chocolate, because we needed to stay afloat in our consciousness to see the electric blue skies. I was carrying a backpack filled with the teddy bear and my sketchbook. I thought that Seulgi with a red nose looks adorable, with the snow laid thinly on her eyelashes. 

"The town seems so serene and warm, Wonwoo. I love winter!" Seulgi chimed in, her eyes creased into moons of happiness and I smiled silently to myself.

"You think so? I prefer autumn, of all seasons. Like, I love the scrunching sounds of leaves beneath my shoes. The crush-crush sound of dead leaves muddled together as kids run through them. I just find them so… enchanting," my fondness of autumn is something that I proudly admitted before Seulgi. People always think that autumn is the season of death, but death is a constant thing. Death comes every day, and I don't like how people merge autumn into this concept. If autumn is the season of death, then it's supposed to be the most beautiful season to disappear in, to have yourself die in. 

Seulgi pursed her lips, a sign of herself holding in a thought or an opinion she would like to voice out, yet unsure if it's necessary. 

"Come on, Seulgi. Say what you have in your mind," I tapped her arm, and she looked at me meekly. 

"You always seem to know what's going on in my head. I wonder how is that possible," Seulgi tilted her head to the side as she turned to faced me, her hair falling to her eyes and I chortled because of how puerile she looked. 

"It's the art of being observant. Not that hard to learn, to be honest." 

"Well if it's Jeon Wonwoo, it won't be hard, of course. Brilliant Wonwoo with cool designing skills," Seulgi jested and nudged me in the ribs, and I let out a girly yelp that sent heat to my ears as I felt it getting warmer. 

Seulgi guffawed out loud, and I couldn't help but to watch as I pretended to laugh along to hide my embarrassment. I forgot to mention how I found Seulgi's laugh really refreshing and not to mention heart-stopping, both of her hands on the side of her ears, holding onto them as if they would fall, and the edges of her lips would stretch out to the point it made me want to smile and laugh along with her. So I did, as my eyes casted on her closed lids.

When I saw her laugh, stardusts inhabited themselves in the crevices of her eye sockets, and I wouldn't find it strange as I had always been imaginative and seen things different than other people would. 

Wiping non-existent tears from her eyes, Seulgi drew her breath and replied, "I think autumn is too noisy, it reminds me of summer also. Kids playing here and there, kicking up the leaves. It’s always been such a bother to clean up the leaves from my room also," Seulgi complained with thin eye brows knitted together, and I nodded my head understandingly. "But, I get your point. It's breezy, and probably the only season where you can feel the wind both warm and cold, at the same time." 

We continued to talk about lots of things, and amidst those talks, there would be a comfortable silence covering us like a transparent quilt, or a blanket perhaps. The kind where you just feel secure that someone is sitting beside you. In my case, Seulgi sat beside me, sipping coffee from now and then, her right hand propping on her weight beside her, elegant and prettily shaped fingers spread out in her blue coverlet. 

My hand was right beside her and I wanted to hold her hand. I could have instinctively reached out to catch her by surprise. It was the most sensible and probably romantic way to start it all. How stark I felt to my feelings affected my decision to ponder on my options, and I ended up waiting for another chance. 

"You know, we are pretty crazy, sitting out in the cold like this, waiting our body to freeze." 

"I know, but it's out of the ordinary and it’s fun." 

"Fun? You think that it's fun sitting out in the cold like this?" 

"Well, you're here with me. So, I don't really mind," it came out so casual from my lips, so natural. Silence was her only reply, and I looked at her, her nose red and her cheeks the shade of beet red. 

"Are you blushing, Seulgi? You're so adorable," I teased Seulgi, my fingers itching to pinch her adorable cheeks and she shook her head fervently, while covering her bun-like cheeks. 

"It's the cold! The cold made me like this!" 

"Yeah, yeah. The cold made you like this, if you insist." I slyly agreed and she put her hands down.

The coffee in her cup was finished, but she didn't fill it for another one. I looked at mine and it was half empty. I noticed how I spent so many minutes and time to talk and gaze at her that my hand was only holding onto it for the sake of having something to hold on.

Seulgi wasn't looking at me – her eyes switched from the sky to the town before us, blinking Christmas lights in the distant. And in moments like this, I let myself delve deep and took every details of her that stayed the same, or perhaps changed. Like how my mother inhaled deeply from the fluttering edelweiss, taking into account how spring smelled like.

Though, Seulgi likes winter and dislike flowers, so I saw her more as the sun, checking from time to time if she burnt brighter or not. It's noticeable of Seulgi whenever she would stop burning, her eyes gleam a little bit blue and not red in passion. 

On that winter night, Seulgi's ears that resembled the elves' were covered by her black locks hinted with shades of silver. Her shoulders were relaxed, and a white scarf was looped around her neck. She should have worn darker colours, for darker colours absorb cold easily than lighter ones (based on Ben Franklin's theory, at least). A black beanie cupped the top of her head warmly, and I wondered why she didn’t wear any mufflers. She constantly rubbed both of her hands together to inject heat into herself, as she blew her breath onto her hands. 

I wondered if Seulgi ever looked at me like that, staring in worry if the stars would appear now, like the time when she was young. Wait– Seulgi looked at me like that once, when she ruthlessly grabbed the cigarette from my fingers and demanded me to extract my cigar packs from my jeans pocket. Seulgi seems experienced that day, as she demanded more of me to take out more packs from my backpack. I brushed the thought away that she had done this before. 

Something inside of me told me that this was the perfect moment. That as Seulgi marvelled at anything that she was seeing before her, since the stars didn't appear yet, I should make her turn to me. 

I did, but I almost wished I didn't, as my voice cracked in the cold. Seulgi was immersed by anything that I couldn't see, and it was one of the desperate moments I had in life. I called her for the second time, so she would look at me and only me. 

"Seulgi," my voice came out louder than the previous, also calmer and more composed. 

Seulgi snapped away from her trance and looked at me, eyes flickered for a moment. "Yes, what is it?" 

I took a deep breathe. My fingers were folding and unfolding itself because I was so nervous. I was afraid that my words couldn't make up the feelings I had for her, and she'd think that I'm not being sincere enough. 

I looked down at my fingers, pondering as Seulgi waited patiently. She seemed to notice that it was something serious, for she turned her body and crossed legs towards me. 

We were facing each other, our legs so close they could almost touch. But I didn't want to ruin this perfect moment, and that time I chose to ignore any possibility of Seulgi rejecting my confession. I told myself that I should do this, no matter what would happen. 

I looked back to our memories together, when I first met Seulgi and how she was brilliant, burning in flames of passion that seemed iridescent in my eyes. And how Seulgi helped me, assured me, gave me hope that no one ever offered. I also looked back to how Seulgi would frown and look away without saying anything whenever the cig laid in between my fingers, and how Seulgi still kept secrets from me. And how I was disappointed at her, when I assumed her judging me as something that was like the others, something to pass by. 

I chose to believe in her instead, despite anything that happened between us. The path that we had paved together was nothing near perfect, but it was better than anything aside of her. 

Seulgi came into my life and she spread light across everything of me that was dark and sinister. 

"Seulgi, I want to tell you something," I finally gazed up to her and my hands reached out to hold her hands, taking her prettily shaped fingers into mine. 

She seemed stunned for a moment, but she relaxed under my touch. It was odd, because I thought Seulgi might avoid me. I guess Seulgi was fine with skin-ship, as she was the first to hold my hand back then. 

"Tell me, Wonwoo. I'm listening." 

I took another breathe, trying to not sound nervous. I exhaled calmly, and began. "Seulgi, you remember the first time we met?" 

"Yes, it was a few months ago, right?" 

I hummed a reply, and went on. "I really meant what I said back then. You might not remember it, but before that, we stared into each other pretty intensely," 

Her eyes glittered in the evening sky and she chuckled. "I remember that. You were so straightforward in looking at me. I was taken aback, to be honest." 

I nodded. "You know, that was the beginning where I began to like you." 

Her wide smile disappeared and it was replaced with meek eyes trying to avoid mine. It seemed that she realised this, and then she looked up again to stare at me, wanting to listen more of my feelings. Her eyes serious, warm but still hesitant. 

"We met again in math class, and you patiently helped me understand the subject. I'm not sure if this was a big deal for you, but for me, it was." 

She ushered me to go on, her hands were still in mine. "I wanted you to know that your dance is beautiful, Seulgi. No matter what people said. I know that you believe in yourself, and I want you to know that I also believe in you." 

By this time, a transparent layer of water showed up on her eyes. Her eyes were shining in crystal tears but she still gazed at me persistently. "You are strong, Seulgi. More than anyone I have ever met. And you were brave enough to stop me from doing my smoking routine–" 

"–no one has ever tried to stop me. No one except you," I emphasised, and she nodded with crystal tears and red nose. She refused to close her eyes, as if she knew if she would do so, her tears would fall and it would be as if she let me down.

"Do you want me to stop?" my heart broke a little as I let out my words glide softly from my tongue. Thankfully, Seulgi shook her head without a word, assuring me to go on. 

"I wasn't sure of my feelings for you. I didn't know anything about love. I mean– it's such a difficult thing to comprehend. But then, I opened myself to you, telling you something that I refused to admit, yet you didn't turn away from me. You stayed and that's when I was sure of my feelings." 

"And I love you, Seulgi. That is what I wanted to tell you all this time," I held her hands more tightly in my palms, but not to the point it would hurt her. 

Droplets of tears slowly fell down from her eyes, and I didn't know what it meant. But for sure, I didn't like the sight of her weeping like that. I brushed off tears from her face and she inhaled deeply, her head bowed down and she placed her palms over her eyes, as if doing so would push the tears back in. 

Her eyes were red and exhausted from tears when they met mine, and I waited for an answer. 

"I-I can't believe that this is happening right now–" her raspy voice came in whispers and I tried hard to listen. 

"If you need time, you–" 

"No, Wonwoo. I don't need time – I love you–" at that moment, I stopped listening all together. That word was enough to lift the burden on my chest. I felt like floating in the sky of ephemeral clouds, in different shades and shadows. Her gaze was tender and clear after she heard of my feelings. I prevented myself from asking her to repeat the affirmation of her love, but love shouldn’t be spoken lightly so I sat back in silence.

"–can't believe it. I can never imagine myself to have someone, having so much feelings for me. It's unimaginable to think about it," her hands were holding into mine now. I interlaced my fingers with hers. Our fingers were not a match definitely, bony and bumping into each other in a clack. Nonetheless, it still felt right to have Seulgi accepting me. I just wanted her to know that I loved her, and that if she didn’t love me, it would be fine, I guess. But since she did, it was a present that I kept close to my heart and never let out. 

"I love you because you are the one who understands me the most. And to be honest, I don't have much to offer of myself," Seulgi sighed, her fingers running through her hair, pushing it back, seeming a little bit distressed. "–but since you believe in me, then I hope you can accept me for who I am, despite anything."

When she put it that way, I wanted to tell her that she was enough, and she was everything that I could ask for, but I kept it inside of my heart because when you spoke too much of your feelings, the sincerity would die away as you went by. 

I nodded with a smile and with tears still bristling in her eyes, she smiled. She literally shone right there, scorching in happiness and my head was up above in the heavens as I assumed it was because of me. We stayed in silence after that, staring into each other's eyes wordlessly, waiting for the stars to come out, waiting for the slightest worry in our hearts for the outcome of this love to die away, killed by the happiness that had always been stronger than pain. 

Æ

Going back to the present, when Junghan and Soonyoung excused themselves to the restroom (they are still youngsters after all, going to restrooms together and all), Seungcheol asks of the past. 

"You still smoke, Wonwoo?" 

"Not anymore. At least, not when she's around to tell me repetitively," I respond in assurance, taking a sip from my coffee.

Seungcheol seems satisfied and nods. He stirs the green tea in front of him, seemingly thinking of something, and he goes on.  “You know, this Seulgi you speak about – she seems to bring good things into your life. You better keep your eyes on her, okay? If you don’t, some guy could snatch her away from you,” Seungcheol reminds me thoughtfully, his gaze intense and I gulp a lump that is forming in my throat, because he just said the truth.

“I will. And I believe that she wouldn’t stray away if I give her enough love.”

Seungcheol chuckles, shaking his head in disbelief. “I believe that when you’re in love, it’s better to fall straight into the ground, rather than weighing and hesitating through it.”

I filter out Seungcheol’s voice from the noises coming from beside us, of girls chattering merrily in barrettes and red cheeks. “That’s reckless,” a grimace is visible in my voice and Seungcheol only shrugs it away.

“Well, that’s what I thought. But yours must be different, and I think that you will be able to love her in your own way. I mean, you have always been gentle with girls.”

Junghan and Soonyoung haven't come back. They’re probably stuck waiting in the line, since the place is full with so many people from variety of ages, looking for warmth in a cold weather. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

“Did the boys know that you smoke?”

“I never told them, but they probably figured it out by themselves.”

He nods cordially. After a long time of not meeting each other face to face, Seungcheol catches up the time that we have lost between each other in ways different than Junghan and Soonyoung. He has always seemed carefree and tactless about these things, considering his seemingly unruly disposition back in high school, and he rarely questioned anything about my life. But as time passed by, I guess he matured through these years as he no longer curses as much as he used to and he asked me all of these things and gave me advices to not stray away from my path. 

“Wonwoo,” Seungcheol calls me again and he pauses waiting for me to reply. As if he’s asking me to prepare myself for whatever he’s about to say.

“Yes?”

“Soojung wants you to know that she’s doing fine, and she hopes that you do, too.”

Astonished, my eyes widen and my fingers begin to fold and unfold by itself on my lap, unseen by Seungcheol’s eyes. I soon regain my composure after not replying after a few moments, as if my breath is caught somewhere by the wind. 

“Turns out we ended up in the same business school, and she seems to know that I’m a friend of yours– hey, are you okay?” Seungcheol’s hand reaches out to hold my shoulder, holding it firmly as if I’d faint any sooner.

I let go of my folded fingers and run my hand through my face, erasing away any sign of sadness. “Yes, I’m okay. Is she still with Mingyu?”

“I don’t know. She never speaks about him.”

Soonyoung and Junghan are heading towards us, and it seems that this conversation that will be the secret between the both us is coming to an end.

“Let them go, Wonwoo. For real. You’re hurting yourself.”

“I did. But they seem to never leave my mind.”

“Then, you just have to let go for the second time.”

Æ

"This bear is so adorable, Wonwoo!" 

"I'm glad that you like it.”

"No, I love it!"

Seulgi beamed out of happiness when I handed her the teddy bear I personally picked for her. She was hugging it so tightly and if it could talk, it probably would complain for the suffocation that she caused to the blue teddy bear. Her laughter reminded me of buoyant kids running and laughing blissfully in summer holidays.

We laid beneath the stars that slowly appeared and I held Seulgi’s hand in mine, feeling the pulsating beats of her pulse that showed she was alive, here, and in love with me. As we kept our eyes to the sky, we slowly let our secrets slip through our fingers, of how Seulgi will be getting a medical degree after she finishes her jazz studies, and how her parents gave her the time to fulfil her dream. She thought that her parents were selfish, but for me, I assumed that her parents just wanted the best for her. I mean, she would be able to hold jazz dance workshops after college, but it’ll damage her health more in the old days. The movements executed for the dance need lots of sacrifices, and even though Seulgi was willing to do anything, her parents wouldn’t let her. I tried to think from the perspective of her parents, and I’d not want my child to end up injured from time to time. 

I had seen Seulgi in bandages around her kneecap, or her thighs. She didn’t tell me that she injured her hips also, but I noticed that one time she couldn’t move her body fluidly the way she wanted to in the practice room as she sat out from the practice session. Perhaps part of the reason was they wanted to continue the family line of doctors with their next successors and Seulgi was subtly defiant of this idea.

“Perhaps, they just don’t want you to get hurt so often. I mean, is the bruise on your elbow already healed?”

Seulgi pursed her lips. “Barely. It still hurts a little.”

“Have you put an ointment on it?”

“No, it heals away in such a short time, and I don’t like the smell of it.”

My hand gripped hers tighter, worried. “You should take care of yourself more, Seulgi.”

She let go of my hand and turned to face me, her hands used as a pillow for her cheek. “I will. You should, too.”

I placed both of my hands behind my head, still facing the sky. Seulgi brought a blanket and it did a little of its job to cover us and protect us from freezing to death. “What do you mean by that?”

“Are you eating properly? Look at you, you’re so skinny,” she scooted closer and placed her hand on my cheek. Her thumb brushed over my cheekbone.

I turned to her. “I’ve always been like this, Seulgi, since I was a child.”

Her hand went back to her cheek, and she mumbled, “I guess boys have always been hard to gain weight, no matter how much they eat.”

“Yes, that’s right.”

“When I’m around, you’re not stealing chances to smoke, right?” she found her fingers to my eyebrows, gently combing it and brushing it. I felt tickles and stars exploding inside of me whenever she did this, and Seulgi didn’t know how much chaos she has caused to my insides with her thoughtful actions, words and curiosities. 

“I wouldn’t dare. Not when I’m reminded how emotional you had sounded back then,” it was one of the heartfelt moments which I treasured but I found my way to tease Seulgi about it, just to see her flustered and lose her composure all over again. And I was right, as Seulgi pinched my arm.

“I couldn’t ignore you killing yourself slowly like that, especially since you’re someone special,” she coughed out awkwardly amidst saying this word, somehow hoping that I wouldn’t hear the latter sentence, which was a failure since once I listened to someone, I’d never miss a word that was uttered. I didn’t hesitate to pull Seulgi into a hug, burying her face into my chest, and I laughed heartily as Seulgi squealed out from my embrace.

“You almost gave me a heart attack, Wonwoo!” she absentmindedly placed her hand on her chest, falling into a trance as her eyes looked at the sky behind me. 

By pulling on her left ear, I snapped her out from her daze, and the face that she formed when I did this was so amusing I’d like to pull on her ear more. But before doing so, Seulgi’s upset eyes shot daggers at me.

“Don’t pull on my ears. It hurts,” her eyebrows were puckered and she turned away to the sky. It seemed that my action earlier genuinely hurt her physically so I apologised.

“I’m sorry, Seulgi. I won’t do it next time.”

She broke out into a huge grin. “Why so serious? I was just messing with you!” she giggled adorably and I ended up pinching her cheek, which she didn’t mind this at all.

Whenever I spent my time with Seulgi, I always felt like I exited reality and entered a world she had formed for us to be in: a world where the two of us were the only people that mattered. Perhaps, this is what happened between Mingyu and Soojung, and I sort of understood their feelings of not wanting to be disturbed.

“Oh my, the stars, they are so beautiful, Wonwoo!” I looked up to the skies, our backs still on the blue coverlet. The sky was very vast and wide, and it felt like the sky was slowly consuming the both of us. In winter, perhaps the air was clearer than the other seasons, and the stars shone brightly in the night sky, dazzling as ever, and Seulgi urged me to imagine, to believe and to attempt in seeing the electric blue sky.

I found myself breaking my own promise, as I turned to look Seulgi in one of the happiest moments of her life. I wanted to see her and when I did, I couldn’t take my eyes from the look that she gave to the stars. It was the look of someone who’s been waiting and longing for something for so long, and when it’s present before you, you can only stare in awe, affection and happiness mixed into one. I tucked Seulgi’s fluttering tresses behind her ear and she remained stunned and dazed by the stars.

“Are you looking at it? The sky?”

I kept my gaze on her. “Yes, I am. I’m looking at it very intently.”

A mellow smile skulked to her lips. “Isn’t it beautiful, Wonwoo? The electric blue sky?” she breathes out her words softly and dreamily, as if she just saw heaven before her eyes.

Looking at her who was dazed by the stars, I replied, “Very. I’m amazed by the sight I am seeing right now.”

Her smile grew wider. “I’m thankful that I can see this for the second time with you.”

I continued to gaze lovingly at her, who was the one I had seen as the sky with feline eyes which shone upon me like a pair of twin moons. The stars ran deep in her blood and it didn’t take long for me to be reminded of how Seulgi introduced me to what love is. Perhaps, the look that I had as I stared at her was similar to how she looked at the stars and only the stars, the sky, and the clouds hidden by the night would know the look Seulgi gave to me when I wasn’t looking.

“I love you, Wonwoo.”

She told me for the second time, as if she thought that I didn’t believe the first. I nodded as I took her hand in mine again, holding it dearly. 

As I finally found love and the meaning behind it, I could only hope and see if this love will be able to make me stronger to face life and its obstacles.

Æ

A month has passed since our meeting with Seungcheol, and we are pretty open about our relationship. People had whispered viciously behind our back, even though their reasons were unclear. People just loved to have topics and things to talk and judge about, I guess, so I closed my ears to their meaningless chattering. Seulgi barely batted an eyelid for their attitudes, and I silently thanked Seulgi for remaining unaffected.

People whom I’m fond of in my designing classes congratulated and fist-bumped me when they heard of this and of course, I was thankful that they went out of their way to do such a thing, even though I found it unnecessary, but I would probably do the same if a friend of mine was to be in my position.

Aside from Soonyoung and Junghan who were thrilled by the news, Sehun gave a thumbs up and didn’t make any comment about Seulgi. He probably didn’t want to say upsetting things about her, as it would cause me to explode. To be honest, I wouldn’t mind if he phrased it nicely and thoughtfully. What made me so angry about Taemin’s words is because he literally called her a : he accused the life out of her and I couldn’t stand there and do nothing at all.

Jongin texted me that he was glad that my feelings weren't unrequited and I should buy him orange juice to celebrate (Jongin couldn’t meet me just because he’s always with Taemin and he said that it’d be too awkward if the two of us were to meet).

Well, one time, Sehun told me how Seulgi is an unconventional beauty in one of our classes, and he said that not everyone might understand her beauty. Well, that's the truth, though I never find her beauty unconventional at all. I just like her the way she is, like I never get tired of seeing her face every day.

Walking to Seulgi's jazz class in the evening, spring breeze brushes over my skin and I rub my arms away from the cold. Hints of the last season's coldness are left and I can only hope spring to arrive fully.

When I arrive there, Seulgi is jumping and dancing her heart out, and I stand by the door in silence, scrutinising her dance.

It's become more fluid than before and something has awaken from inside of her. I can feel it surging, her energy full and bright.

"Hey Wonwoo. Come in! Why are you standing by the door?" Seulgi somehow has stopped her dancing, and she smiled and approaches me, stretching out her hand to take mine.

I take her hand in mine and she comes closer to peck me on the cheek. "You're early. I thought you're not finished until seven?" I can't remember since when but Seulgi has this habit of pecking me on the cheek whenever she meets me. Only when there is the two of us, because she said she doesn't like people seeing us being affectionate with each other, as this is supposed to be our beautiful little secret.

It never fails to take me by surprise, despite the many times she had done it before. She'd hold onto my shoulders and stand on her toes to peck me. Sometimes, I thought that Seulgi was teasing me because her lips would be so close to mine, yet it never brushes them. When she'd do that, I'd smile and play with the locks of her hair.

Seulgi soon flees from me and continues to practice.

"Seulgi, do you only dance jazz?" I ask inquisitively as I took a seat by the sidelines, looking at her who is facing the wide mirror across the room.

"Ah, I used to study ballet. It's a beautiful dance, as it needs elegance and such. But I find it too rigid for my taste.”

"Can I see?" I lean my back against the wall and watch as Seulgi begins to stretch her limbs.

"It's been so long, so this skills of mine are already rusty," she chuckles nervously while rotating her right foot with her toes as the point. "I don't have my ballet shoes, so I'll just show you some basic techniques."

"Anything will do, Seulgi."

Her hands on her hips, she continues to stretch her body. And when she begins, she flies. At least, that's what I see.

"This one is Arabesque–"

"Now grand pas!"

"–what I just did was Adagio, a collection of slow movements.”

"And right here is my favourite, Allegro," she laughs as she says this, lighting up in an instant.

I marvel at the sight I am seeing right now. One time, Seulgi looks graceful and poised, elegant like a swan. The movements that she executed just now took my breath away. She keeps changing from one to another, from a swan, to a tiger, to a butterfly, and finally, to a bird.

Allegro, the movement that she has named as her favourite, becomes my favourite also at that one moment when she moves briskly and brightly. She resembles a bird right there, ready to spread her wings and take her flight. It’s a collection of many movements and she takes her time in doing it. She resembles a fairy, her steps light as she lightly jumps from one foot to the other. My heart feels light in each little jumps that she takes.

“Those are definitely not some basic techniques, Seulgi.”

“But it is!” She insists with a beam and she plops down beside me on the right, the skin of her arm touching mine.

“Are you done?”

“Yes, but I want to stay here for a little while.”

“Okay, I’ll wait.”

Seulgi falls into silence and I watch her as she does so, and she lets my eyes rest on her face. She’s staring ahead at something I can’t see, deep in her mind as if she’s pondering in letting out another secret. I feel guilty because all of these times, it’s been her who is doing everything, opening herself up to me more and more, and ever since that day, I have never told Seulgi anything about the past. I know that she’s waiting for me to tell her and that she doesn’t want to push me in doing so.

“Wonwoo, I didn’t stop because ballet is too static for me,” she heaves heavily, as if admitting a lie she has told herself to believe in, to hold on to. She pulls her hair band off from the bun that she collected her hair into and lets tresses of re-dyed hair in silver fall to her shoulders. Short strands fall to her lap, and I’m reminded how the silver dye is damaging her hair, but Seulgi probably loves the colour too much to care. “How could I, when it was literally everything that I want to be.”

“I stopped because I got obsessed in it, and I was tearing my own heart apart, whenever I failed my mentor,” her shoulders go into a slump, and I pull her close to my side. Seulgi is trembling beside me, as if she has been keeping a time bomb inside of her and it’s time for it to explode. But I believe she won't. She is human and she just has her moments of breaking down to pieces. I believe everyone has their own moments of desperation.

“There’s so much sacrifice to make in order to earn beauty and I couldn’t take it. So I stopped. I didn’t want to hurt myself anymore,” she places her head on my shoulder, and I can feel her body shake, attempting to hold the pain in. I’d gladly be by her side when she falls, but there is this thing Seulgi projects in order to be strong, and it’s her insolence to surrender herself to pain. 

“I told myself to be stronger in jazz, because I feel free and more laid back in it. I want to reach perfection, but I believe that in jazz, there is no such a thing as that. So I stop and try to dance to my heart, forgetting other people’s thoughts. And Mrs. Han somehow sees it as a form of an almost flawlessness,” she is swift in putting all the pieces together, and gains her composure and calmness all over again. Seulgi would always do this whenever she is in a state where she almost shatter like a glass, reminding herself of the good things and what she had told herself to the point she believed in herself all over again. She constantly destroys and rebuilds herself all over again, and I stand beside her, holding her posture so she wouldn’t fall when she couldn’t take it all by herself.

“Well, I’m glad that you don’t completely forget it. It’s too beautiful to be forgotten, Seulgi. Just because you stop, doesn’t mean you have to forget,” my deep voice resonances in the room to her ears, calm and soothing in the hopes to alleviate any suffocation in her chest.

I can feel her smile, as her cheek is pushed to nudge my shoulders. 

“Seulgi, I want to see your face.”

I can picture Seulgi blushing beside me, her cheeks red and her pale hands rushing to cover it. “Why are you asking this all of a sudden, Wonwoo?!”

“I just want to see you.”

She sighs, and her hair escapes from the crook of my neck as she moves herself to sit before me, our crossed legs touching and her fingers on her kneecaps.

“What is it again?”

You must be wondering how can I control myself, a twenty years old adult who is no longer a , who used to commit sinful deeds in one night stands, to be able to control my mind and actions around this girlfriend of mine, Kang Seulgi who is an enthusiastic lover and is fond of doing skin-ship, more and more as days passed by. She doesn’t always tell me that she loves me, but she shows it through her actions of doing skin-ship and also asking of my daily activities, how my mother and father is doing at home, my friends. Seulgi seems so interested in my life as a whole.

I always make a mental note to myself that I can never treat Seulgi the same way as I did to the girls that I have touched. Even though I treated them with care that is actually the proof of how heartless I have been to those girls. I have treated them as if I was in love with them and I created that illusion so well that all of them fell for it. Some fell deep, like Irene. I’m glad that she didn’t fall too hard, I’d feel guilty if she was to do so.

I hold her chin in between my fingers, and stare at her lips. It silences Seulgi all together and her eyes are looking at mine. Her eyes reflect my being, and I see myself looking lustfully at Seulgi, which is probably what makes her go quiet. 

“You know, Junghan told me back then that we look alike.”

I see her gulp a lump in , and I hide a smile that is pestering to show up at how stunned she looks. “Really? Do you think so?”

“No, of course not.” A pause, and she looks at anything but me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but sometimes, I just want to surprise Seulgi like this, out of her wits. It’s been difficult to talk about my past with Seulgi and I have been trying to show myself more, in ways people never see before. I show Seulgi a side that I never let anyone see, even to the girls that I have travelled in.

Our intimate moments always happen in the evening to the night. In the darkness of the night, we become bolder as the light has dimmed our desires from showing its true selves. We let our flaws show and our deepest desires visible to each other.

“Will you run if I kiss you right now, Seulgi?” I breathe out, my voice silky and smooth in ways my voice is caressing her ears. 

“You’re so cruel. How could you ask? Just do it,” she lets out a distressed hiss and when her words are complete, my face nears closer to Seulgi and all of her features scream at me to be noticed and caressed, but I capture her lips instead.

My head is in its euphoric state as I close my eyes and feel the softness of Seulgi’s lips on mine. Her lips taste like bubble-gum and it feels cold. You know, the one you buy in grocery stores, which tastes sweet and addicting as you keep popping in more gums inside of your mouth, even though you know it’ll ruin your teeth? It’s exactly like that, as her lips are melting my insides. Our lips move in synch with each other and I feel like my heart is like a radio right now, beating loudly and turned up to its loudest volume, because of our lips touching and the softness of her lips. By this time, I have no time to compare Seulgi to all the girls before her, because she is just incomparable to them.

I push my lips to Seulgi’s more and I can feel her smile to my lips. I feel like losing control, because I suddenly want to touch Seulgi and see her body beneath the layers of her clothes. But she’ll probably be mad, because Seulgi has set a line in our relationship, where I should not touch her in any inappropriate places. So, I place my hand on the back of her neck that is delicate, and she places a hand on my shoulder, her thumb rubbing on my neck. I quickly let go of Seulgi as I can feel my hand almost go down to Seulgi's back, my lips leaving hers, for if we insist to keep it this way, I’d go further into her and lose my control over my actions, and she’d hate me for that. I will taint Seulgi and I don’t want that.

Seulgi catches on her breath when I let go and she still keeps her hand near my neck. As my hand is leaving her neck, she quickly catch it with her fingers, interlacing my hand with hers.

“What’s your perfume, Seulgi?” I ask, out of the blue.

“I can’t remember the brand, but it’s called Moon Bloom,” I nod, because right now, Seulgi smells like the tropical sunset and coconut, even though it’s spring. She smells like summer, and even though my favourite season is autumn, I still like the fresh and sweet scent that she gives off.

Suddenly, she grows alert and her head turns to look at the clock. “Time flew by so fast, it’s already half past seven,” she gasps, and then kisses the top of my head and hurries to pack her stuff up.

Seulgi is a natural lover and I feel thankful for whatever we have right now. I hope no bad things will happen to us in the days after this, despite everything that is happening between us is almost too good to be true and perfect.

SOOOO, I END UP STRETCHING MY STORY INTO 5 CHAPTERS and I know that you're probably done with me stretching this for so long, but hey, I don't want to ruin the moments just because I want to rush this. I could have finished this in shorter chapters, but there would be lots of plotholes and all of you would be dissapointed. To be honest, I see that lots of the readers here lost their interest in this story, and I lost faith in myself because of that. I feel so dissapointed with myself that this is the only proper way that I can tell you my story, with everything clear and not hazy yet it feels like it doesn't satisfy you all. I considered taking this story down, because what's the point really? No one is paying attention to this made up story that I conjured, and I told myself how much time have I wasted on this story. I felt so ty to be honest. And do I have to mention plagiarizing issues? No, cause I'm done with that. If you think that I sound like a mentally unstable person with crazy moodswings, then yes you are reading one here, right now. 

Despite of that, I want to thank all of my subscribers and also commenters who stays, and especially icepop05 for being a reason for not deleting my story. When I read your comment, I feel encouraged that my story has affected your life, and it made me think of how my story can change your mind, and I don't want to let you down. 

I'm sorry for the rant right there, and I'm sorry if I sound childish, but this is my feelings and I just can't keep it inside for too long. This is not the end, because the true ending will be on the next chapter. I want you to believe in me for the last time, as I am not sure if I will update in this week or next week since I will be having a national exam next week and I need to study hard for that. I won't abandon this story, and once again, thank you.