Chapter 12: see-saw

Just once try to wrap your little brain around my feelings

Just once please try not to be so mean

me: hyung do you want to meet for lunch?

yoongi hyung ♡ : Sorry I’m busy. Maybe tomorrow?

me: pick me up after class? :)

yoongi hyung ♡ : Not today baby. I have to meet Eunbi to review her report.

me: i haven’t seen you in awhile. want to grab some ice cream now? i know you don’t have class…

yoongi hyung ♡ : Ugh I’m afraid I can’t. Duty calls – Eunbi wants me to meet to go through some of her queries. 

yoongi hyung ♡ : Go have fun with Jungkook yeah?

Jimin throws his head back and lets his phone fall on his lap with a small thud. From the corner of his eye, he can see his classmate, Eunbi, gathering her things and taking off towards the exit with a huge smile plastered on her face. He feels something ugly growing inside of him as he lets his imagination wander: Yoongi smiling kindly at Eunbi as she constantly has trouble grasping a concept, Yoongi throwing around a few dad jokes to lighten the atmosphere, Eunbi batting her doe-like eyes at him…

He grabs his bag and chases after the girl. “Eunbi!” he calls out after her and she turns around, her eyes widening as she sees Jimin’s red face.

“What’s the matter?”

He grabs her wrist and pulls her towards a secluded corner of the school. “Spill. What’s going on between you and Yoo- Mr. Min?” Jimin almost reveals his closeness with Yoongi, momentarily forgetting that Yoongi is only supposed to be his professor. The ugly thoughts in his head almost clouded his judgement and he takes a moment to calm himself down.

“Oh. Am I being pretty obvious?” she chuckles nervously and twirls a strand of her hair. Jimin studies her – her caramel brown hair cascading down her shoulders in soft waves, long lashes fluttering and framing her pretty eyes… if he was straight he’d fall for her immediately. She’s the poster girl for attractiveness. However, his heart lurches in disgust upon hearing what she has to say.

“You know, my grades aren’t exactly great and my parents are getting really worried. I thought I could get closer to Mr. Min to make them stop worrying. It seems to be working, he’s spending lots of time with me and I think we’re getting along so well,” she purrs and sends Jimin a wink.

“You’re wrong, he’ll never overstep his boundaries,” Jimin retorts and his hands ball up, clenched tightly by his sides.

“We’ll see,” Eunbi smiles and turns to leave, her sweet perfume lingering in the air. Jimin shuts his eyes and lets out a whine of frustration. How could she do this?

Then he suddenly recalls. He’s dating Yoongi. He’s dating his English professor. How is that any different from what Eunbi is doing?

After all, Yoongi approached him for his bad grades too. He feels like the biggest hypocrite in the world, his heart being torn into two directions. If what Eunbi is doing is wrong, he’s committing a worse sin. He feels his throat constricting.

His phone vibrates with a notification. With trembling hands he opens the message. It’s from Yoongi.

yoongi hyung ♡ : Eunbi cancelled on me, my whole afternoon’s free for ice cream.

Maybe all of this is a mistake, one he should never have started.

The next few days Jimin completely disappears from Yoongi’s radar. He ghosts Yoongi’s texts and whenever Yoongi tries to approach Jimin, the younger boy conjures up an excuse immediately. Once he has made plans with Jungkook, the other time he has dance practice and can’t go for dinner, the next time he’s not feeling well and wants to rest. Yoongi’s sixth sense tells him that something is amiss. Jimin who was so clingy a few days before is now a completely different person.

Is it because of how busy I have been these days? Yoongi thinks, but he remembers Jimin has always been so understanding towards his hectic schedule and would never blame him for having to work. They have talked about this after all, and Jimin has been the most accommodating even though they have had occasional squabbles but those were over concerns with Yoongi’s health and how he has a tendency to sacrifice his meals so he can help his students. Jimin has never ignored him on those occasions.

Finally, one day, Yoongi jogs up to Jungkook who is returning his tray in the cafeteria and pulls him aside. Jungkook looks puzzled, for the most part, but agrees to set aside a few minutes to speak to Yoongi.

“Is Jimin doing well?” Yoongi asks, tousling his hair. Jungkook stares at him incredulously.

“Why are you asking me this? Shouldn’t you know better than me, Mr. Min?”

“I- wait, you know about me and him?” Yoongi side tracks and sizes up Jungkook. The latter nods and explains that Jimin never hides anything from him. “Ah, I should’ve figured. The both of you go against the saying ‘Blood is thicker than water’. Jimin never stops talking about you and how you're like a younger brother.” Jungkook smiles a little at the comment.

Yoongi takes a deep breath and continues. “Anyway, Jimin’s been ignoring me these days and I can’t find an opportunity to talk to him. He always hurries off with an excuse and I can sense that something is wrong, very wrong. He has never given me the cold shoulder. I’m at my wit’s end, Jungkook, and I don’t know what to do to fix this. I don’t even know what’s broken," he rambles, ending with a soft sigh.

Jungkook can sense the frustration radiating off the English professor and racks his brain trying to recall if Jimin has been acting weird but no, in contrast, Jimin seemed to be doing better than ever. He curses silently, wondering how long this has been going on. Jimin’s acting has improved.

“I honestly am not sure, Mr. Min. He’s perfectly fine around me,” Jungkook confesses.

“, it must really be me then,” Yoongi winces and messes up his hair that he was carefully combing through with his fingers again. Jimin isn’t wrong when he said Mr. Min looks hot when he curses, Jungkook thinks but quickly shakes that thought off. “What should I do, Jungkook?”

It’s been a long day and Jimin can no longer feel his feet. The dance team were practising a new routine and after taking a break after the competition, Jimin’s stamina had declined, a lot. He loves dancing, he really does, but starting on a new routine always makes him want to drop dead. He honestly feels like he’s going to do that now and then, at the lobby of the dormitories.

He makes it to his room after what feels like forever and punches in his passcode weakly. The school decided to change the door locks to lock pads after a few rooms were broken in by burglars. However, he doesn’t even make it to his bed before he lets out a bloodcurdling scream.

“What are you doing here?!” he shrieks upon seeing a certain professor sitting on his couch, a book in his hand and looking up in shock, like a deer caught in headlights.

“You-you’re back,” he stutters after gathering his thoughts and stands up to greet Jimin. He leans in to steal a kiss but Jimin turns his head away, gaze dropping down to his feet.

“How did you get in here,” Jimin deadpans and continues staring down at his feet, afraid to look at Yoongi’s face.

Jimin has always hated confrontations, despised facing his own feelings and having to verbalise them. He has never been good with words and cannot convey his thoughts rationally, especially when he’s in full panic mode and can only hear the sound of his heartbeat reverberating in his ears. This time is not an exception.

“Jungkook gave me your lock pad passcode. You’ve been acting weird Jiminnie. I’m worried,” Yoongi says and places both of his hands on Jimin’s arms. Jimin shrugs them off and stays mum.

Don’t call me Jiminnie, it makes me feel like I’m about to explode with emotions. My feelings are wrong, wrong, wrong.

“Please talk to me Jimin. I haven’t heard from you in days,” Yoongi pleads and Jimin can hear the desperation in his voice but he shuts it out, shuts his own feelings out because they were never meant to be in the first place. Everything is wrong. They are wrong.

“I don’t know what’s going on but I’ll always be here for you, you know that right?” This time Jimin can hear Yoongi’s voice trembling and he finally gathers the courage to look at the older man and the sight before him causes his heart to shatter.

Yoongi’s face is crumpling, his brows furrowed together and his eyes b with concern. Jimin wants to slap himself. Yoongi should never look this broken, he should always wear his gummy smile, always be twinkling with laughter.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’ll end it now. It was all a mistake, a selfish doing on my part.

“Let’s break up,” he finally mutters. The world around them falls into silence. He expects Yoongi to lash out at him, break down in rage and leave stomping out of the house, yelling that it was all a mistake and Jimin was never worth it. He'll get over it eventually, because Jimin is nothing but a naive student who so stupidly tried to date his professor, not thinking twice about what the world would think.

He least expects Yoongi to step forward and wrap him in his arms, his hair gently over and over again. Jimin is stupefied, his hands hovering idly by his side, his breath caught in his throat. 

“Did you not hear me? I said let’s end it,” Jimin tries again, voice shaking and a pitch higher than usual.

It’s all a mistake, you shouldn’t be with me.

“You’re hiding something from me. I know you are, and I’m here to say that no matter what it is, I’ll face it with you. I’ll always be here, to listen to your problems and to lend you a shoulder to lean on. When you’re lost at sea I’ll be your lighthouse. So please talk to me Jimin. Please.”

All of his walls come crumbling down and Jimin sobs into Yoongi’s shoulder, feeling so, so guilty for trying to push Yoongi away. What made him think that was the right decision? Yoongi's hurt look is burned to the back of his eyelids and he cries even harder thinking about how hard it must have been on his boyfriend. He never did anything wrong.

So he confesses everything, from knowing about Eunbi’s intentions to him questioning their relationship, deliberating over whether he’s taking advantage of Yoongi’s position as his professor. After all, if the school finds out about their relationship, Yoongi will be in deep trouble. Things will turn really ugly.

They somehow move to the couch, Jimin still crying and Yoongi silently holding him. Uncertainty hangs in the air. “I’m sorry hyung, I shouldn’t have confessed you on that night. I’m so dumb, why didn’t I think about the repercussions, I shouldn’t have liked you- ”

“-you’re wrong, I liked you first Jimin,” Yoongi cuts him off and takes his hands, rubbing the back of his palm, “You first caught my attention with your terrible grades but I gradually fell for you when I saw you trying so hard. Your perseverance is really attractive.”

Jimin sniffles upon hearing that, feeling heat rising up his cheeks.

“You don’t have to be sorry Jiminnie. I am well aware of what we’re doing, I wouldn’t have taken the risk if you aren’t worth it,” Yoongi says and cups Jimin’s face in his hands, “you’re worth everything and much more.”

“Will we be okay?”

Yoongi pauses for a moment, pondering over the question.

They eventually agree to keep their relationship under wraps until Yoongi's last lecture for Jimin's class at the end of the semester. They can’t afford to hurt the class morale even though the college does not have strict policies regarding professor-student relationships. Yoongi also agrees to be extra mindful around Eunbi. Yoongi finds the situation ridiculous almost.

“Promise me you won’t keep anymore of such secrets. Talk to me, Jimin,” Yoongi says sternly and Jimin nods, once again feeling extremely guilty about keeping things to himself. He should never have doubted Yoongi’s intentions in the first place.

“You too Yoongi. Don’t keep secrets from me,” Jimin replies. He doesn’t notice the fleeting hesitance in Yoongi’s eyes before he quickly pecks Jimin’s cheek.

“Jimin,” Yoongi suddenly breaks the peaceful silence.

“Hmm?”

“I love you.”

But some secrets should never be spoken of.

a/n: i'm back after a looooong hiatus and i apologise firstly, it was never my intention to abandon this story but so many things have happened in this time and i could not find the time nor the inspiration to continue it. i'm extremely sorry for keeping you guys waiting and i hope you liked this chapter. thank you for staying with this story and i'll update it as quickly as i can now that i have some ideas on how to continue it (and also graduated from school). i already have the ending in mind actually :)

as always, comments are welcome with open arms! once again, thank you for reading ~