We colour the world,
Not with the darkness of our pasts, 
But with the rainbow of our hope.

I unlock the door, and push it open. Dust motes swirl in the air, and for the first time, I see grandma’s house in all its starkness. I see the walls without any added colour, without any swirls of light interrupting. I wish grandma was alive. I wish she was here. She would’ve pulled my head into her soft shoulder, and she would’ve my back like I was a small boy. She would’ve whispered nonsensical words into my ears, and the sound of her voice, a mellow honey-gold, and the warm smell of her, would calm me down, would tie me to her.

I miss you, grandma.

Jonghyun rubs a thumb over my knuckles, looking into my eyes, worried.  “Are you okay?” he asks, wiping a tear away with his finger. I nod, forcing a smile. “I’m okay.”

“Okay.” He says, and smiles. Jonghyun bends to unlocks Roo’s leash. Roo bounds away, wanting to explore the new house. Comme Des and Garcons have already escaped from their leashes.

“She raised me; my grandmother. When my parents died, she was the one who took me in and cared for me.” I say. “Even before… even when my parents were alive, I was closer to her than to anyone else. She was…” my throat closes up. Jonghyun pulls me in for a hug, and I bury my face into his neck, inhaling his fresh scent. “…she was amazing.”

“I’m sure she was. All grandmothers are pretty amazing,” Jonghyun chuckles.

I take his hand, and we sit on the floor. “I want to tell you everything, Jjong.” I say firmly.

“Haven’t you already told me everything?” he asks me, eyebrows furrowed. I shake my head. “Not everything.”

“Kibum, you don’t need to-”

“No, I do; I need to. I want to.” I say, and glance away from him, into my lap. “My parents died before my eyes; because of me. I was six, and we were heading to the doctor for my synaesthesia, and I didn’t want to go, so I was making a huge fuss. My mother started yelling at me, and because her voice was so shrill, so full of anger and hate and irritation, the colours became brighter, and flashier and a thousand times more painful. I started to seize and thrash around, and because of that, and because of the rain, and low visibility, my father couldn’t control the car… and we- we-”

My mouth refuses to open after that, and my fingers hold on to Jonghyun’s shirt like a vice. “Shh…” he whispers. “Calm down. It’s okay.” He rubs circles on my back as I sob, as I cry for my grandmother and for my mother and father and myself.

My sobs recede after a while, but he continues to hold me. “Do you know why I came here?” I ask him.

He shakes his head.

“I want to sell this place, Jjong.” I say. “I’ve been thinking, and…” I pause, letting a small, fond smile rise to my lips, thinking of grandma. “…and she would want me to let go.”

~

We leave grandma’s house a few hours lat