Time flies like eternity without Jinah by my side. I spent the day just for meeting and talking about everything with the boss. On the weekend, I went to my mom’s apartment and had good days there. We couldn’t stop talking about my new life. It’s all about her curiosity about Jinah and my baby actually.

I was lying down in my mom’s lap while she was caressing my hair.

“I couldn’t imagine that you’re finally with Jinah now.” My mom sounded so happy.

“Trust me, Mom. It still feels like a dream to me.” I smiled while remembering my wife.

“I know how you love her since you were very young, but you have to stay away from her because of your study and also you didn’t want anything to be awkward with her if you confessed your feeling. It was funny if I could remember yourface that time.” She laughed and punched my arm softly.

“Please don’t remember the embarrassing part, Mom. I was young, okay?” the memory of the past came to my mind when Jonghyun told me that Jinah had a new boyfriend. I couldn’t stop blaming myself for not being brave enough to confess my feeling toward her. But it was in the past anyway.

This was just like any other nights in China for me before I went to sleep. I called my wife and sang her a lullaby. She always cried when I called her. God,,,if only she knew that I missed her so bad too.

“I’ll be home tomorrow, baby.” I said softly to her.

“I know, Kris. I am sorry. I just miss you too much.” She was still crying.

“I love you Jinah.” I said that.

She was crying harder. “I love you more.”

“Are you in your bed now?” I asked her, and she answered it with a soft yes. “Warm yourself with the blanket, say hi to my baby from me, and pat her slowly. Turn on the speaker phone. Are you doing it now?” I tried to negotiate with my baby.

“Yeah” The other soft yes from my wife.

“Hi baby, Daddy is here. Are doing great there with mommy? What did you do today? I believe that you can make her comfortable there, right?” I smiled, feeling crazy because I was talking to a small creature inside my wife’s womb.

“She kicks slowly, Kris.” Jinah informed me about her response.

Finally the day came. I flied back to Korea again. It was already dark when I arrived in the airport. Jonghyun picked me up and we talk about a lot of things, it was mostly about him and Yura.

Not long after, I arrived in my apartment because Jinah was already there. I pressed the password and then opened the door. I could hear fast footsteps were coming toward me. And there she was. She ran toward me and hugged me tight.

“I miss you baby girl.” I kissed the top of her head and she was crying in my embrace.

“I really miss you, Kris.” She let out all of her tears.

We stayed there for a while until I could make her moves to the couch.

“My baby girl looks bigger now.” I the bump. “How is she doing there?”

Jinah let out another tears and held my hand. She sat down next to me and looked at me right in my eyes.

“Kris, can I ask you something?” I nodded. “No one is perfect, right? And until now, I know nothing about your flaws. Have you ever felt so frustrate and want to explode?”

“I am a human too, Jinah. I often do it to myself because I didn’t do well. Why?” She was still in my embrace.

She let go of her hand. “Listen to me for this one.” She closed her eyes for a moment before stared at mine. “You can get angry to me later, you can yell, you can even leave me if you want.” She said. Her words made me afraid.

I changed my position too. I sat down facing her. “Jinah, that’s impossible. Sure it’s possible, but…”

“Listen,” She held my hands. “I have a tumor inside my womb.” I held my breath when she said it. “Doctor said that I have to do the surgery and it will kill the baby. And my final decision is, I will never do it. I will fight for her till the end. I am sorry Kris.” She let out her tears. “I love my baby. I want her to see the world, even though I have to lose everything, myself, my life, and even you. If you want to leave me, just leave. I’ll let you go”

I stood up, ran my hand through my hair, frustrated. “Jinah!” I yelled at her. “How can you…!” I lost the word that I should say. I sat down beside her again, watching her crying was never my option and she was sobbing now, hard.

I wipe her flowing tears, tried to stop them from falling. I watched my woman in silence. Actually, I couldn’t understand what’s inside her mind now. I didn’t know how her brain worked until she came with this decision.

I hugged her and let her cried in my embrace. I felt the tears too in my eyes, and I let them fall. I didn’t care about pride right now. I didn’t care about the sentence ‘real man doesn’t cry’. I didn’t ing care.

Why lives had to be so cruel toward her? I felt the happiness this month with her, and I knew that she was happy too. And now, we had to face this problem. God, she didn’t deserve this.

“Jinah, can we make a deal about this? I mean, I love you, I love our baby too, but risking your life is too much.” I cupped her face with both of my hands. “Can we choose another option?”

“My only goal is to let her live, knowing that her mom loves her so much, knowing that her mom always gets her back and fight for her. Let me know if there is another option?” She held my hands and let them go from her face. “I am sorry, Kris.”

“Can you both stay? Can the doctor make sure that both of you will stay with me?”  I felt like gulping a big lump in my throat, it hurt.

“He only asked me to choose between my life and her, and I chose to give up mine. I am sorry.” She looked down again, avoiding me.

“STOP SAYING SORRY, JINAH!” I yelled again. And the next second, I regretted it This was the second time I felt like I couldn’t take a control of my emotion.. “I am sorry.”

I hugged her. “I can’t lose you Jinah. It’s only a month since our wedding, and you’re going to leave me? I can’t, I can’t. Please, Jinah.”

“This is final, Kris. I told you, if you want to leave me, just leave. My family will take care of my baby later when I go.”

“Stop! Don’t talk nonsense. You both will stay.” I caressed her soft hair. “Please fight for me, Jinah, for the baby! You planned everything for her life, for us. Please, fight for us.”

She let go of my embrace and looked into my eyes. “I will, Kris. I will. I promise you that I will always do my best.”

“Thanks Jinah. Thank you.” I kissed her forehead.

***

The weather was getting warmer now because the buds of the cherry blossom were already bloomed. And it meant that it had been three months since the bad news came to me. Jinah was not doing so well. She was in her third trimester and sometimes the pain would come anytime it wanted and made my wife struggled hard. She never wanted to take the medicine because it’s too dangerous for the baby. The last time we did the checkup, the tumor grew bigger but my baby girl beside it was stronger. Jinah never made a false promise. She kept fighting for the baby, me, and herself. It made me so proud of her.

This evening the episode came back like lighting. We were in the middle of our journey to go to my in-laws house when suddenly Jinah grabbed my hand.

“Kris, it hurts.” She began to hold it tighter.

“Jinah, are you okay? Do you need the painkiller?” I was always ready with the medication if she wanted to.

“No! Just bring me to the hospital.” She was in pain.

I made a U turn before the intersection and went straight to the hospital. I wanted to call everyone, but I didn’t want them to worry about us. I only made a call to Jonghyun and told him to keep it a secret.

The grip in my hand was getting stronger before suddenly loosen. I was panicked because Jinah lost her consciousness. I tried to focus on the road again and make a turn to the lobby of the emergency room. I didn’t care about my car. I went out and carried Jinah to the prepared stretcher. The doctor and the nurses were ready. I tried to call Jinah to gain her consciousness again but it failed.

She was brought to the emergency room and I only could wait outside. Not long after the doctor came out and talked to me.

“Mr. Wu, I’ve told you about this right, the possibilities? And now, I tell you that we will try our best. But still, I just want to tell you to prepare yourself for the worst. The baby’s condition is not really good, and so does the mother.” She patted my shoulder. “We just need a miracle, hope you can pray harder.”

The doctor gave me the last warning before she came back to the operating room. I couldn’t think anymore. I tried to get a grip of myself. My legs gave up and now I was leaning on the wall. My tears couldn’t stop flowing. I bet my eyes were super red now.

I felt a soft pat in my shoulder. When I looked at the person, it was Jonghyun. I couldn’t hide my tears from him. He hugged me tight, really tight. We didn’t say a word. We just waited and waited. I think it’s almost 8 hours since Jinah came to the operating room and suddenly the door was opened.

“Mr. Wu.” The doctor called me and in no time, I was standing in front of her. “The baby needs to be checked more details and the mommy is still unstable. We need time to take care of the two.”