Three weeks passed since he broke down before the members that night. Against expectations, it has somehow helped him to become more at ease, calmer. The members didn’t ask him about his fit as they promised, and even though their behavior towards him changed a little, he learnt not to complain about the new care he was receiving. Sometimes, he walked into an occupied room and it suddenly became quiet, assuring him he was the topic of discussion, but he cope with that. It was the price he was paying for his secrecy, he knew that.

Falling asleep on the same bed as Hoseok has become a regular thing now. Yoongi was first shy about it and tried to show it by being rude, but Hoseok always laughed it off and refused to move.  Eventually, Yoongi gave in and decided to just enjoy the mostly peaceful sleep it was bringing him. During the nights that he was left alone, he sometimes woke up to cold sweat and breathing difficulties. At one of those nights, he found out that caressing his tummy helped. He tried not to think about the reason.

---

Yoongi has already visited the doctor’s three times. The first time he came and involuntarily informed  the doctor that he still hasn’t found a person to sign abortion papers with him, Mr. Son announced  him a bit too enthusiastically that he was able to contact an American specialist on men’s pregnancies, and that she agreed to help through online sessions. Yoongi hasn’t met her yet, but Mr. Son has started consulting with her already.

 Jin always agreed to keep driving him to the hospital, but waited in the car until the check-up was over and afterwards asked if everything was alright, to which Yoongi only nodded. Aside from being warned about moving around too much, there were no problems with the baby’s development. After the last check-up, Yoongi was obviously more shaken. Jin didn’t ask him about it and Yoongi didn’t explain, it was because he was able to distinguish some of the embryo’s physical features on ultrasound for the first time.

---

There were many things Yoongi felt scared about at the moment, but currently two stood above others. Firstly, even though he could feel the time slipping through his fingers past weeks, suddenly there were only two weeks left in which he could undergo the abortion, and he still didn’t find the second signer. A week before, he finally decided to ask his best friend for help, but he didn’t even get to explain it was actually him being pregnant and he was refused by Sihyuk’s reasoning that he’s now married and has new responsibility, and cannot afford the risk of his name coming up somewhere later. He wished Yoongi luck and left him only with bitterness in mouth. Amongst the people he felt closer to, only Bangtan members were left, but admitting the problem to them was something he refused right from start. In his weakest times, he wavered few times about whether to tell Hoseok, seeing how stuck on Yoongi’s well-being he was, but managed to defend his resolution every time. Maybe exactly because he felt closer to him than ever lately. He didn’t want to lose that.

The second thing he was scared about was his company.  There was no way, they wouldn’t find out about the condition and possible intervention sooner or later. He remembered, that in his contract, there was a part that he signed and in which he gave the company a full access to his medical records. It was only a matter of some of the Big Hit workers requesting the documentation after some of their check-ups.

‘And if they’re going to know anyways, I should just deal with this now and make it work in my favor before it’s too late…’

So he found himself standing in front of the office of the company’s CEO. His throat felt dry and uncomfortable, his head was buzzing, but he still forced himself to lift a hand and knock on the door.

‘It’s fine, you’ve practiced, Suga…’

“Come in!”

---

Bang Sihyuk was sitting behind his desk and smiling. He seemed to be in a good mood but that sure wasn’t helping Yoongi any.

“Oh, Yoongi? Do you need anything? You can take a seat…”

“Thank you, I’d rather stand.” Yoongi eyed the surely expensive leather chair as if the comfort of it could weaken his resolution.

“Ah, fine. So what is it?”

“I-… I don’t think going around it will help. The thing is, I kinda messed up and now I’m pregnant… with a baby. It’s unlikely but possible because I have both female and male reproductive organs, and yeah, I seriously had no idea that it’s even possible. I wouldn’t be able to keep it secret from you even if I tried.” Short and concise, as planned. Yoongi’s heart started beating for the first time since he’s entered the office. Although he himself admitted it didn’t sound convincingly at all.

“S’cuse me?” the man’s smile was replaced with an expression that shouted that he didn’t quite comprehend any of it, or didn’t want to.

“Oh… I brought some pictures and documents to prove it.” Yoongi took out a stack of papers which he was clutching in a pocket the whole time, and placed it in front of his boss, a little wet from sweat “and aside from… you know, informing you, the second reason I came is to ask you for an assistance with abortion. I wanted to take care of it alone but unfortunately, there is law that wouldn’t let me. I’m at the end of first trimester and there is only two weeks, in which it can be carried out. I know it’s a lot to ask, and I just want to let you know, that I came here ready to face any consequences.” Yoongi hoped he looked stabile enough, because he sure didn’t feel like it and kind of wished to faint to escape the situation.

The man moved his gaze from Yoongi’s eyes to the papers on his desk. He slowly picked it up browsed through them. He put them down again in what seemed like ages, leaned his back in the armchair and sighed.

Sighed.

Yoongi expected to be shouted at or even get punched at this moment, what he didn’t expect was that the man would look calm and sigh.

“I’m not going to fire you or hit you, Yoongi, the more in your condition. I could never. But I want you to try and explain to me, what made you decide for the abortion? Is it because of your career? Or is someone threating you?”

Yoongi knew he looked as dumbfounded as he felt. “W-well, of course the career. I haven’t told anybody, well, except for Jin-- oh, he’s not the dad. The dad just… isn’t here” Mr. Bang urged him to continue by staying silent “And I know nothing about babies? They are small, fragile, cry a lot, need a lot of care… I’m not a woman and cannot substitute one… or I think. And well, the child would one day ask where’s his mom and I would have no explanation.” his voice was getting higher as he spoke, he knew he was blabbering. “And just… I’m a man.” he added weakly.

‘What am I saying, this is not what I planned…’

The CEO let out another sigh and stood up from his chair, moved to stand in front of the rapper. He lifted one of his hands in direction towards him. Yoongi inadvertently took a step back, fearing what is the man going to do, he wasn’t ready to give up his convictions about the outcome of this seating – it was going to end in blood or tears. The CEO was persistent though and try lifting his hand again. Yoongi closed eyes, waiting for the impact, but it never came. There was only a soft squeeze on his shoulder. He opened eyes again and eyed the arm on him, after that he turned his look to the man, who was wearing gentle expression on his wrinkled face.

“Yoongi” he started, caring look in his eyes “I won’t lie to you that I’m not angry. I’m furious. You are an adult and things like this shouldn’t just happen. But anger won’t change the fact. I must say, I’m disappointed… I have always considered you something like my children and seeing you so afraid to speak to me your mind hurts. I don’t make a good father myself, you see” the man laughed heartily and continued. “Of course, I’m gonna help you through this. But I don’t think you were able to consider all your opinions carefully yet due to your natural uneasiness. I will tell you right now that a baby doesn’t need to mean an end of career, the things you spoke about is something every parent-to-be naturally worries about. You could still make music, stay a part of the group, even though you wouldn’t be able to stand beside them for some time. You could take break, for example, I can give you a year to safely deliver the baby and then you can decide what you want to do next. You’re still young.”

Listening to his speech, Yoongi felt himself growing weaker. The man was presenting him something he was trying so hard to deny, bury inside himself. But every time he thought he has succeeded, it later came back, exhibiting itself in small motions as the calmness he felt when he felt asleep with hands touching his stomach; the continuous studies he performed on the black and white photos or how he occasionally caught himself having a monologue with his tummy. He hated how little it took to make him so undermined. He has changed.

“So I ask you again, why do you want to abort the baby?”

“Because I’m scared.”

The man smiled. “Scared of what? A responsibility? Reaction of those close to you? That you’re not good enough?”

Yoongi only nodded. He wasn’t going to cry, his body felt frozen, robbed of all emotions. He only wondered, how it was possible that the man understood him so perfectly. ‘I’ve always thought I’m good at hiding my emotions and thoughts, but I wasn’t even close…’ His fans would be proud of him.

“Yoongi… you are forgetting that no matter how hurt you might had been in past, you have made a new family here. There’s so many people who care for you and will help you through whatever hardships because they know you would do the same for us….

…I’m not asking you to keep the baby, that’s solely your decision to make. A promise is hard to make but I swear that whatever you decide, I will help. I can lend you hand with the abortion, or…give you a place to live, time and support.” The man laughed, then his face went sad “We’ve been trying with my wife to have a child for more than ten years but her health makes it impossible to carry a child till the delivery. I’m only saying, that we both would be glad to help.”

Everyone at the company has met Mrs. Bang at least once. She was a motherly figure, a housewife, extremely tiny but happy woman, who often brought them homemade food or sweets during their practices.

Yoongi didn’t feel like he deserved this generosity. Without realizing he squeezed his sweatshirt where it was touching his abdomen and closed eyes. He was close to tears but couldn’t allow himself to let them fall. The man before him was so positive, the opposite of him.

“Don’t worry about undergoing the abortion on time, if you decide for it, we can sure arrange it so that you go under knife the next day. But, don’t tell me the decision just yet, I want you to take few days for yourself and think. Can you do that?”

Yoongi nodded again and opened eyes just in time to see the smaller man awkwardly wrap his arms around Yoongi in a hug. He felt him patting his back. “It’s gonna be fine…”

And for once, Yoongi believed.

---

The director told Yoongi to take break from the group practices. He gladly accepted it because he had to admit that in past days, his body was no longer able to cope with the intensity of the drills. He could practice for 30 minutes and then felt nauseous for hours, sleepy but couldn’t sleep at night, food was tasteless. The pains in stomach were the worst because they didn’t only hurt him physically but also psychically. The thought of hurting the tiny one was somehow worse than abortion for him.

The last time he went for a regular check-up, the doctor has told him that upon entering the second trimester, it won’t take long and his stomach would start showing and he would be practically house-bound due to the risky pregnancy. He didn’t bother then, but after the talk with boss, he decided to take better care of himself for time being.

When he came back that evening, he found Jin and Jungkook watching some fantasy movie at home. Jungkook has hurt his leg and Jin took him back and then ended up skipping with him. They didn’t ask Yoongi any questions about disappearing from practice room and coming home early.

“Hyung! Wanna join us? We have the Honey and Butter chips from fans!”

“Yeah, why not.” Yoongi shrugged and sat on the end of the sofa they shared.

‘I should talk with them before I lose the courage to do so.’

“Guys. Have you ever thought, how would it be for you, if one of us needed to leave the group? Like, really needed, because of family issues, health, or whatever…” it sounded nonchalantly.

Jungkook turned his head swiftly to frown at his hyung. “Of course not. I don’t want to think about so it won’t happen…”

‘He’s the baby.’ Yoongi chuckled.

“I think” Jin carefully chose words, knowing there’s more than said behind the question “that I would still stay in contact and tried to help them as I could. You’re family, not just colleagues to me.”

Yoongi didn’t say anything and after few minutes of staring at the screen without taking in the movie, he excused himself under the reason of being sleepy. He really needed to think.

---

He was lying down. He tried to tune in into the positive mindset he was presented after his confession, letting the long suppressed emotions take over himself. He decided to figure out what’s currently most important for him in life. It has always been music, but after joining the idol group known as Bangtan Boys, he’s changed. There wasn’t simply music to him now, it was securely intertwined with people involved. After thinking for a while, he realized it’s pointless, that his mind keeps going round in circles. It has always ended showing him smiley faces of his housemates.

“Emotionless Min Yoongi? I’m doomed.” He laughed to himself.

He fished for his phone, placed in a drawer behind bed’s headboard together with hormone pills, and typed into the searching engine his name, switching to pictures and videos. He stared at the pictures of him that fans favorited and sent to the front page. A pictures of him sending a ‘loving’ stare to the members. A picture of him holding them to shield them from the crowds. A video of him crying during a talk at concert, where everyone was talking about their parents. He remembered it now - later at backstage, one after another, the members came and comforted him. How could he forget?

‘Maybe… instead of being depressed, I should have noticed how much of fool for them I was, even blind can see it from this. Maybe… music is no longer the only thing I need. Maybe, I need security. And l-love.’

With that, Yoongi took a long look at his lap and reached for the hem of his shirt. He was so lost in the moment that he didn’t notice Jin enter the room.

“Yoongi?” he asked softly from behind the younger’s bedrest.

The blonde rolled the shirt down hastily, worried that he was caught. He relaxed only when Jin’s figure entered his sight and moved to sit down on the bed he was in.

They both felt slightly embarrassed about the private moment that was forcefully ended.

“… Is it showing?” Jin nodded in direction of Yoongi’s belly.

“Slightly. Not really.”

“Can I have a look?”

They were both slightly embarrassed. Yoongi eyed Jin indecisively before pulling the shirt back up.

“It’s nothing like pregnancy lump, but the lines on my stomach have gone and it’s slightly bulging now. Like if I were stuffed full all the time.” The corners of his mouth turned up.

Jin seemed amazed, but Yoongi spotted slight hurt in his eyes and placed the shirt down again. Jin blinked and propped himself on the wall behind bed.

“Yoongi… the question. What was it about?” he asked quietly.

“I talked with the CEO today.” Jin gave him interested look. “You know… he told me he fully supports me if I decide to keep it…”

Jin’s eyes opened wide. “He did? That’s great! But…” his voice went quiet again “what do you think?”

“I think… I should consider my options.”

Jin stared at Yoongi for a bit longer and then suddenly smiled wide and pulled the younger into a tight hug, rocked him from side to side in their sitting position.

“Mom is so proud of you!”

“Hyung, that’s just disgusting. Beside I haven’t said I am keeping it. Also, you’re choking m-me…”

Jin loosened the hug, still not showing his face to Yoongi.

“I know. But I’m somehow really happy. I will support you no matter what, too…”

‘Thank you’ Yoongi mouthed and smiled to himself.

---

That night, Hoseok has decided to share Yoongi’s bed. The older was deep in thought when another body landed on his bed.

“Yah, I’m feeling good today, leave.”

“So cold. I don’t want to. Maybe I am not feeling well.”

That took Yoongi unawares.

“What could bother a light head like you?”

“Hm? You would be surprised. I do have worries, you know.”

“As in? And don’t tell me it’s something like which cornflakes to eat for breakfast.”

“Ouch, hyung.” Hoseok whined “For example, I worry about things I can’t understand by myself without explanation.”

Yoongi felt the mood go down and he wondered if the younger was implying something. He tried to shake the unpleasantness off with a joke.

“Then just everything in the world must worry you.”

“Are you saying I’m dumb?”

“I don’t know, am I?”

Yoongi heard the younger snort and they fell silent. Yoongi spoke after minutes, not really checking whether is the younger sleeping or not.

“… I was really blind, wasn’t I?”

Only silence for few seconds.

“You still are.” Hoseok tried to flinch Yoongi’s forehead, but his hit eyebrow instead.

Yoongi growled. “You’re this close to get kicked off the bed, my bed, if you don’t explain the allusions you keep making.”

“What? ‘m not. Let’s just sleeeep.”

Yoongi wasn’t happy with the answer, but sleepiness has started bugging him so he decided to continue the discussion another time.

He fell asleep listening to Hoseok’s quiet snores.

---

Hoseok lied for another ten minutes after Yoongi’s breath became deep and consistent. Then he propped himself over the older man, faces mere centimeters apart, so that he could distinguish the features that he knew so well in the dark. He lifted one hand and hesitated before placing it on the blonde’s smooth cheek and in very slowly back and forth.

He didn’t smile.

Then he got up and left the room to sleep alone tonight.

(After the door clicked closed, Jin’s clear sigh sounded from his part of room.)