Where did I go wrong?

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August, 2013

Luhan remembered when he was seventeen, it was the first time he had to rush Sehun to the hospital.

It was still vivid, almost traumatic in his head, how Sehun’s prideful face after winning the basketball match with his school team went to confused in a matter of second, before the said face was on the ground, with pained expression. The horror was hard to forget, which he got from the moment he immediately lurched forward from the bleachers to gather Sehun in his arms.

‘Sehun, Oh Sehun,’ it was rare for him to address Sehun with his name properly, so it had shown how much he was scared, and how serious the situation was, ‘you hear me?? Hang on there!’

Sehun hadn’t said anything to him, and just stared at him the whole time instead. It was like, ‘now you understand how much of a burden I am?’

Luhan remembered that so well.

But then Sehun started giving all his might for his medications and therapies. And Luhan himself had watched Sehun getting better and better each day. Although sometimes Sehun still had seizures, they weren’t severe like he used to have when he was younger. The hope was there, Luhan could feel it.

So it practically didn’t make sense when Sehun suddenly crouched down against the floor of his living room when Luhan just got back from hospital, still in his medical intern uniform, exhausted yet excited to come home because Sehun was waiting for him to be taken to his favorite restaurant. It was Sehun’s graduation day. They were supposed to be heading to the restaurant right after Luhan showered. But Luhan just had to find him in desperate need for air and anything that can soothe the pain on his chest.

Luhan panicked. Yet he tried his best to calm down so he could bring Sehun to the hospital to be treated. He was feeling greatly nauseous as Sehun was turning very pale all the while he was trying to get him to his car.

It was all like déjà vu. Luhan, waiting for Sehun to wake up from a forced sleep. Sehun, finally waking up from it at the next morning and refusing to talk to anybody. Luhan, having to wait for Dr. Kim so he could calm down. And Dr. Kim, finally meeting him and reassured him that Sehun was finally stable. Although he had seen the lie in Dr. Kim’s eyes.

“May I speak with your parents, Han?” Dr. Kim asked, out of sudden.

Luhan’s stomach churned immediately. “Something wrong??”

“No no, I just need to talk with the caretaker after all. That’s the procedure, right? Remember?” Dr. Kim smiled. And it looked forced.

Luhan dialed his father and gave the phone to Dr. Kim, and while the man excused himself away to talk, Luhan went into the room where Sehun was being held in. Sehun was hiding behind his blanket, as usual. Luhan had to walk around the bed and sit right in front of him. Sehun didn’t turn around. Instead, Sehun looked right at his eyes, and it suddenly overwhelmed him, because it was a type of stare when someone was about to say something that will either make his day better or break his world apart.

“You know,” Sehun whispered, “that feeling when you think you’re going to die, that moment when you think that ‘this is it, my end is here’?”

Luhan didn’t answer to that.

“I always feel that everytime I faint.” he stared over the ceiling. “And everytime I feel that, your face will show up. It’s like, I know I’m going to die and leave a lot of things but you’re the only one I care about for it. So, when I wake up again and see you next to me, I’d thank God for the second chance and be reminded again about how lucky I am to have you by my side, and I’d promise myself to be better, so I won’t have to see you worry over me anymore.”

The endearing words were unexpected, and Luhan should’ve made fun of it but Luhan couldn’t find any humor in