Was I too young

too careless

to realize that you

meant so much, to me

====

July, 2007

“I don’t know anymore.” the stern look on Luhan’s face was enough to shut Sehun up. “You do realize that you have a weak heart. You do remember Dr. Kim forbids you from any vigorous activities like this. Yet you joined the basketball team, only to pass out after your first game. I don’t know what to do with you anymore, little pimp. Seriously.”

Sehun chose to lie on another side on the hospital bed, his back facing the still fuming Luhan. He had been giving him that mad and disappointed look on him ever since he was rushed to the hospital. Sighing heavily, he tried to close his eyes.

Ever since the new school year started, Sehun had joined the basketball team in his school, and because of his natural talent in that sport and his height (he had grew a very noticeable amount of inches), they had made him their ace card. Luhan was beyond furious when he found out, but after endless promises that he’d be alright and the proof that he was indeed alright during all the practices which he had put his eyes on, Luhan silenced himself eventually. He was also assured by Sehun’s close friends, Kim Jongin and Lee Taemin, that they will keep their eyes on Sehun during their activities in the basketball team.

Then the game came, and with all the dreads inside his heart, he forced herself to come. No matter how much he hated the activity that endangered Sehun, he doesn’t have the heart to let the kid down by not showing up. And he wouldn’t have been so tolerating if it wasn’t for the way Sehun’s eyes sparkled after he had successfully shot a ball into the ring. The game went nice, more than he had expected. Sehun was so determined to win; in fact, all the people in his team were. Even Taemin was being manly with the ball despite his pretty face. In the end, Sehun’s team won, and said kid was beyond ecstatic to show off the trophy to him.

He was about to grab the trophy when he suddenly crouched down, clutching on his chest, and out.

“I didn’t have the heart to tell you this when I found out you joined the team, kid, but I’ve been desperate to tell you that this was what will happen if you don’t care of your own health. This was what will happen if you keep doing something you know you shouldn’t be doing. And ta-dah, it has happened already!” Luhan spat out with so much sarcasm.

“Geez, hyung, you’re not my parent. Why the hell are you so loud.”

“Well because apparently I’m the only one who is concerned enough about your health here. Forgive me for worrying about you when you yourself don’t have the time to do so and run around here and there with some stupid basketball pants – “

“You don’t understand.”

“ – trying to kill yourself – what, wait, what?”

“You don’t understand,” he continued with a strained voice, “how it feels when you realize that you’re weaker than anyone else around you. You don’t understand how it feels when you see people around your age play and do fun things while you have to sit back because those fun things might drain you out. You don’t understand how it feels to hold yourself back every time you see other people doing the thing you’ve been wanting to do so much. You don’t understand… how it feels to find yourself pitiably different from the others. It , Luhan hyung. It to be one step behind everyone else.”

Even without looking at Sehun in the eyes, Luhan could tell that the latter was hurting. It was when he realized that Sehun was terribly hurting. He had failed to see the pain in his eyes because he was always that ignorant kid who picks on him and laughs at his jokes, who would always talk about his condition like it’s common. Sehun had been covering his feelings so well, and Luhan hated himself for not seeing anything sooner.

He dragged the plastic chair behind him closer to the bed and sat on it. There was a silence, an uncomfortable one, with both