How many ways can you up a relationship?

One: use them to boost your own self-esteem. Two: play fast and loose with their feelings. Three: take them for granted. Four: never address the fact that you hurt them. Five: your best friend who’s in love with you and then make him leave the next morning, letting him think a drunken is all it was.

He’s never going to want to see me again; much less continue being my friend. And he’d be right to. I don’t know what kind of person treats their best friend this way but apparently that person is me.

Why did I do it? Why did I –

I keep doing this to him, expecting him to just take it and be okay, keep being by my side. And after he told me loved me. God, he told me he loved me.

It’s not like I don’t know, it’s not like the whole world doesn’t know. I like that, a lot. I like that people around us know he's in love with me, that I am his number one and he’s been in love with me forever and no one else can measure up to me in his eyes. And for a while I thought Jaehwan had managed to steal him away but no, last night he told me it was still me he loved. It was still me.

He’s not the only person ever to tell me they were in love with me. But I think he’s the only person who really meant it, because after years of me jerking him around he still loved me all through it.

What am I going to do? What am I going to do if he never wants to see me again, if he doesn’t want to talk to me? How am I going to fix this?

Hongbin looked up at his bedroom door opening to see Taekwoon come in, wearing a determined expression, and Hongbin let his head thunk down onto the mattress again.

“Go away, hyung,” he said, studying the wall.

Taekwoon stubbornly shuffled onto the bed, back to the wall, and lifted Hongbin’s head gently so he could place it on his thigh; finally letting one of his hands rest on Hongbin’s hair. He didn’t say anything.

“Hyung, I said go away,” Hongbin repeated, throat tightening, but neither one of them made a move.

“You’re not okay,” Taekwoon said softly, and Hongbin wanted to laugh. He deserved everything he was feeling right now. Wonsik didn’t.

“What happened?” Taekwoon asked, tone light like he was asking about the latest episode of Cheese in the Trap, and he began to through Hongbin’s hair the way he always did when he knew Hongbin was upset. It was too much, this gentleness, when gentleness was the last thing Hongbin deserved from anyone right now.

“I said leave!” Hongbin sat up, his voice unsteady because of huge sobs he couldn’t hold back. It infuriated him that he was crying, made the block in his chest heavier, sharper; he pushed at Taekwoon, trying to get Taekwoon away from him and fully aware he was acting like a child.

But Taekwoon was unmovable as a rock and so Hongbin got up instead, heading for the door and dashing the tears away with a rough hand. If he needed to cry and get it all out he wanted to do it where no one could see him; Taekwoon being there made it all worse.

Taekwoon stood in a hurry and grabbed at him, alarm clearly showing on his face.

“Hongbin, tell me,” he demanded, but Hongbin just went limp in his grasp.

“Hyung, please,” Hongbin whispered hoarsely with his eyes closed, humiliated and hating himself.

He could feel Taekwoon hesitate, but finally Taekwoon let go and left him, closing Hongbin’s door quietly behind him.

Maybe I should have told him. Just let it all out and cry like a baby and let him hold me. Taekwoon likes being able to act the hyung.

I’d never be able to get it out, though. I’d just cry and feel stupid and when the tears are done I would still feel like and Wonsik would still hate me. And I’m afraid once I start crying about this it’s going to be too hard to stop so I’d rather just not start. I hate crying. It doesn’t solve any ing thing.

Breathe, breathe, breathe. Now I’ve got a headache.

I need to fix this. I need to make it up to him somehow – make him come back to me. Promise him I’ll never up again. Tell him that I too feel – no.

What Wonsik needs from me is for me to stay away from him.

*

Taekwoon sat on his bed, worrying his lower lip between his teeth and waited from the text from Hakyeon that he knew would come eventually. He felt a strange sense of déjà vu from the party last night – him going to comfort Hongbin who was upset about Wonsik but at least more open and calm about it, versus what just happened – Taekwoon shook his head though no one was there to see it. Hongbin was still upset over Wonsik, but now completely closed-off and clearly Not Okay on a major scale.

Taekwoon felt restless. He didn’t know what to do; he knew Hongbin was an idiot when it came to emotions but this time it seemed – worse. Maybe Sanghyuk was right. Maybe Hongbin really did have feelings for Wonsik –

His phone vibrated. Taekwoon took a deep breath and braced himself for more textual yelling.

They really did sleep together, Taek. Wonsik told me everything. Did you talk to him?

Taekwoon took another deep breath, long-suffering this time. I didn’t have a chance. He chased me out of the room. But he’s not okay. He’s hurting really bad and he won’t tell me why.

-What do you mean *he’s* hurting?!

Taekwoon could almost hear the caustic disbelief in Hakyeon’s voice and bristled slightly, protectiveness coming to the fore before he could help it. Even he had to admit that given Hongbin’s track record with Wonsik, the perpetrator of this whole thing was pretty much likely Hongbin and Hongbin alone. That didn’t change things, however, and it didn’t mean Hongbin couldn’t be hurting despite whatever he’d done this time.

-He is, Hakyeon. He was almost sobbing trying to get me to leave him alone.

-That’s rich, coming from him. Anyway. Apparently Hongbin kissed Wonsik last night outside the party, then took him home and they did you-know-what. And this morning they got caught by you and Sanghyuk? And Hongbin freaked, and Wonsik says it was obvious Hongbin just wanted him gone. So he left and Hongbin didn’t stop him. So what’s Hongbin got to be upset about? He got what he wanted. And now Wonsik’s more broken up over him than ever.

Taekwoon closed his eyes for a moment, heart sinking.

Look, I’m telling you. There’s more to it than the usual possessive Hongbin thing he started to type, but then erased it. Hakyeon had no sympathy for Hongbin, and he wasn’t wrong to feel that way. Taekwoon wasn’t about to change his mind about what had happened this time.

Taekwoon heard the sound of Hongbin’s bedroom opening and then quick footsteps to the main door, keys, the sound of the shoe cabinet door squeaking, and then the tight slam of the apartment door.

Ugh, Lee Hongbin. What on earth are you doing?

He looked at his phone and knew Hakyeon would chew him out later for not replying but he exited their chat and almost instinctively looked for Sanghyuk’s name in the list, only catching himself a moment later. Sanghyuk had only just left – would he think Taekwoon messaging him so soon meant – meant what, Taekwoon thought sourly at himself, and put down his phone. He’d wanted to tell Sanghyuk what happened, since Sanghyuk had asked, anyway, and Sanghyuk would tell him what he thought, and they could talk about it –

Taekwoon let himself fall onto his side and smushed his face into his pillow. That’s it. Things had officially gotten weird.

Forget Hongbin. What are you doing, Jung Taekwoon? he thought, and lifted his head long enough to check the time, giving a short laugh when he saw it wasn’t even 9 o’clock yet. All this nonsense was too much to take this early on a Sunday morning, he decided, and got back into bed properly.

Maybe Sanghyuk would message him first.

*

“Sanghyuk,” Sungjae announced before Sanghyuk had barely gotten in the door.

Sanghyuk looked up from where he was toeing off his shoes and saw Sungjae standing dramatically in the doorway of his room like he was making his grand entrance in a musical. “Sanghyuk, before you tell me where you’ve been all night I need to tell you something first. I’m in love.”

“Is the unlucky lady the same lady you were banging so enthusiastically last night I couldn’t bear to step into the house and only had a place to sleep because Taekwoon hyung took pity on me?” Sanghyuk said smoothly, walking past Sungjae’s gobsmacked face and into his own room for fresh clothes.

“You – you heard us?” Sungjae demanded, following. “When did you come home?”

“I don’t know, man, sometime between where you started and ended,” Sanghyuk stripped off his shirt and jeans, highly aware how Sungjae wouldn’t bat an eyelid at seeing him in his underwear but Taekwoon had seemed like he would have blushed himself into oblivion if Sanghyuk had done the same in front of him earlier. Interesting.

He grabbed a fresh home shirt and told Sungjae to close his eyes for a moment while he changed into new boxers – general almost- was fine but Sanghyuk drew the line at total ness – and put on his shirt, Sungjae already opening his eyes and starting to rattle away about the girl he’d met at the party last night.

“I’m seeing her later tonight,” Sungjae crowed, clasping his hands together reverently. “She’s a goddess. A fairy. A-mazing.”

“What’s amazing is that she agreed to see you again after sleeping with you,” Sanghyuk couldn’t resist retorting, Sungjae trying to bite him without missing a beat.

“She’s too good for me, it’s true. I’m trying not to question it too much,” Sungjae sat down with Sanghyuk on their sofa. “You have to help me decide what to wear. And where to go.”

“What’s this wonder woman’s name?” Sanghyuk smiled, casually checking his phone to see if he had any messages; he wondered what was going on with Hongbin and Wonsik hyungs and if Taekwoon hyung had managed to find anything out yet. Surely, by now-?

“Sooyoung,” Sungjae breathed, worshipful. “Or ‘Joy’. She is the Joy of my life. I’m going to marry her.”

Sungjae rolled his eyes. “Do you mind running it by her first before you start making downpayments on your future house?”

Sungjae waved away Sanghyuk’s scepticism with an impatient hand. “She’s the one for me, Hyukkie. No one else will do now.”

“Well… congratulations?” Sanghyuk couldn’t help but laugh, secretly feeling sorry for the earth-goddess named Sooyoung; she had no idea what she’d just gotten herself into. He hoped she’d at least had a good enough time in bed with Sungjae last night to make up for the very enthusiastic wooing she was going to have to deal with in the very immediate future.

“You should fall in love too,” Sungjae said, poking Sanghyuk with his foot. “It’s so lonely being in love all by myself. Go find someone who can stand your pasty face.”

“Maybe I already have?” Sanghyuk countered immediately. “Maybe that’s who I was with all night?”

“Taekwoon hyung?” Sungjae asked, confused.

“What?”

“You said just now you only had a place to sleep ‘cos Taekwoon hyung took pity on you, which I took to mean you crashed at his place, so…”

Sanghyuk blinked. “Well. I was joking, I didn’t mean-”

“You’re blushing!” Sungjae sat up and pointed an excited finger at Sanghyuk’s face. “Oh my god, Hyukkie, you have a crush on Taekwoon hyung.”

“Shut up, Jae,” Sanghyuk deadpanned, giving his very best unimpressed face. “It was a joke. I forgot I’d already told you where I was the whole night.”

“Hmph,” Sungjae said, lying back down on the sofa and trying to stretch his legs out beside Sanghyuk. “You should go date him anyway. You haven’t dated any boys since your Great Biual Awakening.”

“One, I really don’t think he swings that way and two, I think he pretty much just sees me as a dongsaeng, anyway.”

“Tch, you’re selling yourself too short. You could seduce him. Use your,” Sungjae fumbled for a bit. “-Cheekbones, use your cheekbones.”

Sanghyuk just gave him a Look signalling the topic was over and found himself checking his phone again. What was taking so long?

Well, if the gossip wouldn’t come to Mohammed, Mohammed would have to go to the gossip.

hyung, what’s happening? did you talk to kong sunbae?

*

Taekwoon’s phone vibrated just as he was getting comfortable enough to fall asleep again and he contemplated not checking the message, sure it was just Hakyeon yelling at him for not replying earlier. But something made him pick up his phone, something he didn’t want to pay too much attention to right that moment.

It was Sanghyuk, not Hakyeon.

hyung, what’s happening? did you talk to kong sunbae?

Well, this was fine. Sanghyuk had messaged him first, so he didn’t have to worry that Sanghyuk would feel Taekwoon was being clingy, or that Taekwoon missed him already, or anything terrible like that – this was wonderful. Everything was okay. Taekwoon breathed a sigh of relief.

-Kind of? It was pretty bad, he was crying and asked me to leave.

-really??? what did he say???

-Not much, but it’s clear he’s really upset. And Hakyeon told me basically he made Wonsik leave this morning, was cold to him or something. So I have no idea what he thinks he’s doing.

-omggggg. why won’t he just tell wonsik hyung he feels the same way!

-There you go with that theory again.

-i’m RIGHT. kong sunbae isn’t that big an to want to keep wonsik hyung around like this if he didn’t feel stg for him. TRUST ME HYUNG.

-You’ve known Hongbin a month!

-more than a month! and i told you, i’m really good with these things. i’m Observant.

-Well, whatever it is, I think Hongbin really screwed up this time. I mean, to actually sleep with Wonsik..

-hyung, you don’t mind that you’re telling me all this, right?

Taekwoon blinked.

-Well, no. I don’t mind.

-okay. cos i know i haven’t known you all that long, so maybe you might not think it’s okay i’m asking you about all of this.

-It’s okay. I wouldn’t tell you if I didn’t think I could trust you.

Sanghyuk smiled absently reading the text, and didn’t stop smiling as he typed the next few words.

-and also because you reallllllllllly like talking to me, right?

-Idiot.

Taekwoon sent the message, half-grin on his face.

*