Hongbin kissed me.

He’s done a lot of things before, like press up against me, hold my hand, play with my hair – all this just to get a rise out of me, I know – but this time, I didn’t –

Look, I know I was drunk. He’d been drinking too, and I didn’t know how drunk he was, but I think it’s safe to say I was much further gone than he was which is why I just ran out after him on impulse when I saw him leaving. He just leaned in and kissed me and I didn’t know what to do, or more like my brain and my body weren’t listening to each other anymore. I’d just told him I loved him, like a fool, but I already told you my excuse – I was drunk. I was drunk and he looked so sad and he was alone, and no matter how many times he’s hurt me in the past I still love him. That’s all. Judge me for it if you want.

So when he kissed me I just blanked out for a moment. Can you blame me? And here’s the thing – it didn’t feel like a joke. He wasn’t teasing me, not this time. He kissed me like – like – I don’t know, like he was desperate for me. He clutched his hands tight in my shirt and kissed me like I was leaving him somehow and he was trying to keep me there with him. It felt so sad. 

I’ve always known Hongbin had issues about relationships, about people getting close. I never asked why, and maybe I should have. Maybe then I would understand better why, now, I’m sitting here alone in my bedroom and he’s alone in his, just barely half an hour after we woke up together after we had –

Part of me still can’t believe it. We slept together. Hongbin and I. I and Hongbin.

I mean, on the whole, it was a pretty crazy night for me. First Jaehwan kissing me – honestly, I didn’t think I would actually lose when I put out that ‘kiss’ move, but when I did lose and he kissed me and I mean – wait, you should know something that I probably should have told you earlier, so you can understand better why I pretty much feel like I’ve been knocked sideways by a truck.

Before tonight I’d never kissed anyone. I know that sounds incredible because I’m already twenty-two, but I honestly had never kissed anybody. In high school I just never met anybody I thought was worth kissing, until Hongbin, and I was so busy with practicing with my dance crew most days I had no time to date or whatever, even if I had found someone I’d wanted to go out with. And then, of course, Hongbin happened, and then as Hakyeon once put it I might as well have gone to be a monk. It’s just – you’ve seen Hongbin, right? How could anyone else compare? And we were so close in high school, too, we were always together. He was – is – my best friend. He was the only one I wanted to kiss, to date, to do anything with. Hakyeon says I have tunnel vision when it comes to Hongbin. No one else matters.

So – first Jaehwan kissed me, and it was my first kiss ever, as amazing as that sounds. And Hongbin knows that. I really didn’t know what to do, what to think in that moment. I mean, Jaehwan’s a pretty good kisser, though I don’t actually have much experience to work off of, obviously, but Hongbin was sitting right there. I really like Jaehwan, and for a few days I hoped I was falling for him, actually. I hoped so ing badly, because believe it or not, I don’t actually want to spend my life miserably mooning over Hongbin. I liked him so much when I met him, and he’s so funny and he’s adorable, but as taken as I was with him I realised it was nothing like what I feel for Hongbin. Honestly, I was crushed. I wanted to fall for Jaehwan. For someone I might actually have a chance with – and I tried so hard. I spent as much time as I could with him, even blowing Hongbin off in order to be with Jaehwan though I couldn’t believe I was doing that. It pissed Hongbin off, obviously, and when I realised he was jealous as hell about it I was actually flattered and I knew I was still as stupidly in love with him as ever. I mean –

Sorry, I don’t know why I’m tearing up. .

So. Jaehwan kissed me, and then Hongbin kissed me, and I’ve been dreaming about Hongbin kissing me for years. I’ve imagined it in so many ways – but all of them had Hongbin magically realising he felt the same way about me and the kiss would be this awesome movie-style ing fairytale thing that was nothing short of perfect. Real life… wasn’t so perfect. And it was over so fast.

But then he took my hand and pulled me after him, and when I realised where he was bringing me part of me was like, ‘no way’, right? But he brought me home and into his bedroom and kissed me again, and this time he mumbled my name against my lips. I know he thinks I didn’t catch it, but I did. And that’s what undid me. If there was a part of me that could have resisted that’s when that part gave up and went home, because he sounded like he wanted me, like he needed me. I know I’m the biggest ing idiot on earth – Hakyeon is honestly going to kill me when he finds out – but. It’s Hongbin, saying my name against my lips as he kissed me. My Hongbin.

I don’t really remember the details of the . I’m not bluffing – I really don’t, because it was over pretty quickly and I was focusing on all the most pathetic things – how his hair smelled, the way he shushed me when I got a bit too loud at one point: he held my face gently and said ‘shhh, Sikkie’. He hasn’t called me ‘Sikkie’ since we were, what? Sixteen?

I don’t even remember getting , for ’s sake. Anyway, he jerked us both off together, kissing me all the while. God, that sounds weird to say. Did it even really happen? Did last night actually happen?

I do remember waking up next to him this morning, though. I remember that very well.

I woke up with the worst ing head – I really drank more than I should have, last night. I turned over and there he was – we were both still , and there was soft light coming in from his window and he looked just –

God. I can’t do this –

He’s so beautiful. He’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life. I don’t know how long I laid there, just looking at him. You know that feeling when your heart feels like it’s swelling up inside your chest? It’s the worst cliché. But that’s what I felt, looking at him. Like my heart was big enough to swallow the whole East Sea.

I didn’t want him to wake up, because I knew there would be questions that would need answering, and I just wanted it all to just stay exactly the way it was. So nothing could spoil it, and I could just stay there forever looking at him and remember how his voice had sounded saying my name as he kissed me.

But then I had to pee and then the whole fiasco outside with Taekwoon hyung and Sanghyuk happened – okay, digression, but wow, Taekwoon hyung and Sanghyuk. I didn’t see that one coming, but in a way I kind of did too? Hyukkie’s really cute and they’ve been spending a lot of time together lately. Taekwoon hyung trying to deny it when Sanghyuk came out of his room wearing Taekwoon hyung’s clothes, hah.

They’re cute. It’d be so nice if they end up together.

But anyway –

The moment I saw Hongbin’s face I knew it was all over. I had even dared to hope that somehow, in some way, all my dreams were amazingly coming true and Hongbin had magically realised that he was in love with me too, and now I can’t believe I was so dumb? How the hell would one drunken change things? Even if he knew how I felt. Even if he knew I was a – . There, I said it. Does it count if he didn’t actually me? Oh, whatever, god, shut up, Wonsik.

He was freaking out. I should have ing known.

So I went from coasting along somewhere in the clouds when I woke up and his face was the first thing I saw and he was snuggled up to me like he was aware of me, even in sleep, and he felt – safe – with me – wow, god, I am a deluded bastard – and from that I crashed hard all the way down because it was so clear in that moment when he had no ing thing to say to me and wouldn’t stop me from leaving that I was, and still remain, absolutely nothing to him.

I’ll be okay, honestly. I didn’t expect him to go this far? But. It’s nothing new, really. He needs now and then to re-affirm his hold on me. I guess it’s an insecurity thing. I don’t know.

I’m done, though. I cannot –

I’m sorry – give me a moment, okay? I just – this ing hurts. This just ing – hurts.

I’m done with him. I’m done with Hongbin.

*

Hongbin slowly lay down on his bed after he heard the front door close and turned to face his wall, the same one his room shared with Taekwoon’s. It was like everything was going in slow motion – his breathing, his heartbeat, his thoughts. Everything was stuck in molasses.

He focused on his breathing. In, out. In, out. He felt strangely dead.

*

Taekwoon pulled back a little from where his ear had been pressed against his bedroom door and looked at Sanghyuk who was hovering nearby, clutching his arm in concern.

“I think Wonsik just left. The door just opened and closed, at any rate.”

“Maybe they left together? To go get breakfast?” Sanghyuk asked hopefully. Taekwoon shook his head.

“This is bad,” Taekwoon said, sitting down on his bed, Sanghyuk trailing after him. “Hongbin was – not happy to see me. Or rather he wasn’t happy I’d seen him, him and Wonsik.”

Sanghyuk nodded, and then was silent beside him for a while as if debating or not whether to speak. He looked at Taekwoon out of the corner of his eye before he opened his mouth.

“Hyung. Kong sunbae thinks we – last night. Us.”

“Oh, uh, yeah,” Taekwoon said, jolted out of his worries about Hongbin and Wonsik. “Well, I guess since – you’re wearing my clothes – and we, um, slept in the same bed.”

His voice had trailed off to almost inaudible by the end of the sentence and a supremely awkward silence descended, Taekwoon becoming very interested in his own hands and avoiding looking at Sanghyuk.

“Well, I should – get changed and go?” Sanghyuk said after a while, before the silence got too unbearable. “Thanks for, uh, you know. And let me know what happens with Kong sunbae.”

“Nosy,” Taekwoon said weakly, wondering why on earth he was so embarrassed.

Sanghyuk stood up and scooped up his clothes, hesitating for a moment as Taekwoon observed him clearly wondering if he should change there or go to the bathroom, not wanting to make a big deal out of it because things between them were platonic, they were obviously just friends, and there was nothing wrong with him changing in front of Taekwoon –

Sanghyuk cleared his throat and opened the bedroom door, heading for the bathroom. Taekwoon covered his face with his hands feeling how warm his cheeks were with horror.

Sanghyuk came back in after a few minutes and gave Taekwoon back his shirt and shorts, noting that while he was away Taekwoon had put on the headband he’d stolen from Hongbin to keep his sleep-messy fringe out of his eyes. Sanghyuk didn’t know if Taekwoon truly needed the headband or it had just become a habit by then, but Sanghyuk felt a smile coming on at the sight of it because of the memory of the nagging Taekwoon had gotten from Hongbin the last time Hongbin had seen him wearing it and Taekwoon’s completely shameless disregard.

“I like how that looks on you,” Sanghyuk said, still smiling, and then froze at how it had come out, given the awkwardness still hanging in the air. “Uh, I mean – it’s cute – um.”

Taekwoon felt the heat in his cheeks go up another notch and resolved to go throw himself out of the window once Sanghyuk left.

He saw Sanghyuk out, and when he realised he was still clutching the clothes Sanghyuk had worn last night he quickly went to throw them into the dirty clothes hamper. Don’t let things get weird. Please, don’t let things get weird.

Taekwoon sighed a big sigh, giving himself a full mental shakedown to get rid of the residual awkwardness that still clung to him like an overly-attached ex and went to retrieve his phone from where he’d left it charging on his side of the desk last night. To his alarm he saw he’d missed seven calls from Hakyeon; Hakyeon had also left him – god, eight texts – and he opened them in a hurry.

TAEK WHERE IS WONSIK IS HE AT YOUR PLACE GOD I HOPE HE ISN’T

I SAW BIN LEAVE 613 AND THEN I COULDN’T FIND WONSIK AND HE ISN’T ANSWERING MY CALLS

JUNG TAEKWOON YOU BETTER NOT BE ING SLEEPING

I HAVE A REALLY BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS

Taekwoon. There better be a really good reason why Wonsik only just came home and LOCKED his door.

TAEKWOON!!!!! WAKE. UP.

Oh my god Wonsik just told me was with Hongbin the whole night Wonsik looks like the sky just came crashing down on him I’m going to ing murder Hongbin I don’t know what he did but I’m going to kill him

Jung Taekwoon you are the next person I’m going to murder CAN YOU WAKE UP FOR GOD’S SAKE

Taekwoon hurriedly dialled Hakyeon’s number and Hakyeon picked up before the second ring barely started.

“FINALLY.”

“Hakyeon. I think they – did Wonsik tell you? I think him and Hongbin – they actually did it. Well I don’t think, it was pretty obvious,” Taekwoon said, wincing as he remembered the dried come on Wonsik’s stomach.

“You better be ing kidding me.”

“I think they may have fought. Before Wonsik left.”

“That much is obvious,” Hakyeon said grimly. “Taek, did you Sanghyuk?”

“I – what?”

“Wonsik told me.”

“We didn’t! He just stayed the night! Wait – how the hell are we suddenly talking about me and Sanghyuk, you were just yelling about Wonsik and Hongbin!”

“He stayed the night? Since when do you hold sleepovers?”

“Hakyeon, if you don’t stop this I’m going to hang up.”

“Fine. I’m going to interrogate Wonsik. You go work on Satan.”

“Easier said than done,” Taekwoon sighed as Hakyeon’s line went dead, and he trudged outside to Hongbin’s closed door.

Here we go.

*