REVIEW 006

why, lucifer, of course | by opalgemstone

REVIEWED BY camillevendetta

Title: 5/5

Considering the first chapter of your story only, I actually think your title matches very well. I don't know if it's very attractive when it stands alone but it made me curious multiple times whenever I read your request form so I definitely think you can work it well. It's original and - yeah, just overall, really good choice on the title.

Description: -/-

Since your story is not posted on AFF yet, I have decided not to judge any non-existent foreword of your story.

Plot: 13/30

Your plot is only beginning and I have a hard time actually understanding what your plot is, but it is also only chapter one in a story so I don't think this in particular is a problem. I am, however, very confused with a few things.

Does Jongin ever get his cuffs off? Because if his hands are tied on his back all the time, how does he eat in the cafeteria? How does he lift his arms towards the ceiling in Junmyeon's office? It just feels like it's a detail you haven't quite thought through. The cuffs are only really mentioned in Jumyeon's office and I personally think you need to mention them more. If he's in them all the time, express his discomfort or his hardships with eating with his hands behind his back - a snarky thought towards the personel would do wonders to let the readers know that he is still restrained.

I also don't really understand the fight. They're in a hospital, a mental institution I assume, and I just can't understand why the nurses and doctors would allow a patient to beat up other patients. The nurse just leaves them "to do what they need to do" and it's just not real. You may have an explanation to this further on in the chapter, Taemin not being a patient anyway or something equally plot-twisted, but right now it seems weird and out of control. It really bugged me to be honest. So unless you have some plan in mind with this, you might want to take a look at it and see if there is another way to fix the fight. Just ... all the beating up seems weird in a mental hospital with hopefully qualified personel. The fight scene in itself