It has been weeks since I started starving myself. My parents were worried about my health when I started skipping dinner and losing weight. However, that’s not enough. I am still not pretty enough. I am still not worthy of Seunghyu…no Seungri oppa. He had asked of us to not call him Seunghyun anymore. When he told my mom about the request, my face burned in embarrassment. He wanted to get rid of his past because of me. All because of his useless sister. That’s why I have to lose more weight. I have to be on par with those idols he mingled with on daily basis. I needed his acknowledgement.

However, all the starving and purging coupled with puberty took a toll on my health and my body could no longer handle it. I fainted in school and was sent to the hospital. My parents were informed and they rushed to the hospital. I was anorexic or so they say. My mother cried and hugged me, begging me to get a grip of myself. “I am!” I wanted to shout at her. I badly wanted her to understand my agony but that’s not possible. Because he’s her son. And I’m her daughter. I love him, yet he doesn’t. I was the only ticking bomb that could destroy the whole family. So I kept silent, not responding to any pleading and cries.

I had to stay overnight for observation and visiting time was over. Before they left, I finally decided to ask the most important question. “Is Seungri oppa aware of this?”

“No, he’s in Japan right now. We couldn’t contact him.” my dad answered.

I breathed a sigh of relief. “That’s good. He need not know of this. I shouldn’t add on to his worries.”

My dad nodded not knowing what to say but what made me uneasy was the look my mother threw at me. Before she could say anything, the nurse ushered them out. A chill travelled down my spine at the thought of being exposed of my darkest secret. “That couldn’t be the case. Don’t overthink. You shouldn’t cause any more trouble Lee Hanna.” I chided myself. With that, I slipped into a restless sleep.

I was released the next day but was required to go for regular rehabilitation sessions. Those sessions were a waste of time and money and I decided to stop after the third session. The psychologist simply do not understand anything. She understand neither my despair nor my pain. And I am not willing to share with her. Who is she to get into my world and disrupt my plans? There’s still a long way to go before I can call him Seunghyun oppa again. Until he acknowledge me, I won’t stop. I have to be prefect for someone as flawless as him.

After years of struggle, I finally became good enough for Seunghyun oppa. I was no longer a little girl but a young lady. Seunghyun oppa praised me when he visited for New Year. “Wow Hanna! You grew up well! I haven’t seen you in ages and you grew into a refined young lady! I had thought you would turn up to be an ahjumma at the young age of 20. Haha.” We fall into our usual banter routine until our parents stopped us from getting too rowdy. That New Year was the best in years because he came back. He finally had time to spend the festive season with us…with me. I couldn’t peel my eyes off him as he shared his stories with us. The way he laughed and smirked etched into my mind. My heart tingled every time he looked at me and asked about my life. I lied through my teeth but it doesn’t matter. Because he was happy right now and I wqs finally worthy enough. Or so I thought.

The news hit headline. BigBang Seungri scandal. And he silently acknowledge it. The model he had with, she was so pretty. So much prettier than i ever could be. All my efforts were futile. But maybe…just maybe what oppa needed now was his family. Perhaps oppa needed me more than anyone else. Because I would never judge him. I love him with my heart and soul. I would love him no matter what.

And he did. He needed my support more than any of his BigBang hyungs who blamed him without understanding anything. It was never oppa’s fault. That just wanted to crawl her way up into the limelight using MY oppa. What surprised me was that Seunghyun oppa chose to protect her. He kept mum about everything. He only let loose when I got him completely drunk.

“Hanna. Don’t tell anyone. I am strong. I can survive this. But she isn’t. She will be crushed if they know the truth. Besides my image is already ruined right from the start. It doesn’t matter anymore. But Hanna ah believe me, I am not that kind of guy. Believe me.”

Tears filled the brim of my eyes as I looked at Seunghyun oppa who was dead drunk on the sofa.

“Seunghyun oppa. I know you wouldn’t remember any of this tomorrow. That’s why I am confessing now. Hanna knows. Hanna believes you. Seunghyun oppa is the best man on Earth. No one can understand you like I do. No one will love you as deep as I do. Seunghyun oppa, don’t give your heart to those women out there who only wants a piece of your fame. Why won’t you give it to Hanna? Hanna will give her entire being to you. Hanna belongs to you right from the start.”  

He looked so pretty, so fragile. I leaned forward to steal a kiss from his lips. My first kiss.

“I gave you my first kiss. And I am willing to give you all my first and my last. Everything. So why won’t you love me?”