I love him. I fall so hard in love that it hurts physically. But this love is wrong, so I kept it to myself. For years, I bottled up my feelings and act as the dongsaeng I am supposed to be in front of him. He must never find on about my disgusting obsession over him. I would purposely bicker with him to hide my infatuation with fake annoyance. Unknown to the world, my heart would skip a beat whenever he put me in a headlock or mess up my hair to annoy me. I am at least allowed to have that little bit of skin ship right?

But it has been getting harder and harder as we grew older. I could handle him finding himself his first love because I knew they would not last long. However, I could not accept the news when he decided to leave for seoul…away from me. My heart clenched tightly as I willed myself not to cry. As usual, I left some snarky comments before escaping back to my room before my mask broke in front of him. “Don’t leave me oppa…Hanna…Hanna really love you.” I cried internally. I swallowed my words and feelings even on the day he bade us goodbye at the bus station. I had to because I love him and he would never belong to me.

It hurts…but I would get over get over this puppy love soon. But the soon never came and the pain and longing only intensified. I would stay up late waiting for the few rare calls he made after his long day of training. No matter how hard the trainings were, he would never complain to us. That’s how considerate he was…my oppa. He would babbled about his hyungs and how he was improving. At those rare moments, I would close my eyes and focused on his soothing voice even when he was being his bratty self. I really missed him, much more than he would ever imagine.

He was eliminated. He came home with his belongings and told us that he only had one more chance. He pretended to be strong but I could see his confidence breaking down. My oppa should never look so defeated because it made it harder for me to control my urge to hug him. My body moved before my mind could stop it and I threw myself at him, hugging him with all my might. I inhaled the scent that I craved for and prayed that this moment would last forever.

“Oppa. You can do this. I am sure the sajangnim is only testing your determination. My oppa is the best. Lee Seunghyun hwaiting!”

“What’s wrong with you today Hanna ah? Are you having a fever? You are acting really weird.” He pulled away from me and leaned in to check my temperature teasingly. I blushed so hard that I could feel my blood rushing to my cheeks.

“Hmph! See if I care next time!” I huffed in mock anger before storming to my room.

“Hanna,” he stopped me, “Thank you. I needed that."

Tears welled up as I took in a deep breath to control my overwhelming emotions. I bite my lower lips hard to stop the sobs that were threatening to escape. I nodded quickly without turning back and hurried back to my room. Only then did I allow myself to break down completely. I wailed into my pillow to muffle my cries. Why must I send him away again when he was finally back? Don’t leave me again Seunghyun oppa!

That night, Seunghyun oppa’s soothing voice lulled me to sleep. Next day_ this song suited his voice. I don’t want to share this angelic voice with the world. Why can’t it belong to me?

The next few days, he practiced hard into the night and I would stay up late to support him secretly. One day in the near future he would be known to the world because there’s no way he would fail. Until that day, his voice still belonged to me and only me.

Seunghyun oppa did make it big. He debuted in BigBang and rose to fame quickly. He no longer has the time to make phone calls back home. Why am I drifting further and further away from him? Somehow I felt forgotten…abandoned. Am I not fitting of his status now? I looked at my reflection in the mirror. We shared the same face yet why do I look so hideous? And my body…I am even fatter than oppa. Is that why Seunghyun oppa stopped replying to my message? Because he was embarrassed to be associated with an ugly sister like me. No! Don’t leave me! Hanna will lose weight. Hanna will become prettier so please don’t ever leave me.