Mine

Lights flashed. People chattered all around me. Even heading backstage, the noise came from every direction and I tossed and turned like a cargo ship far out at sea. I bowed towards all of my sunbaes and hoobaes as they passed by, trying to remember to smile each time and say congratulations to the ones who had won awards tonight. I nearly bumped into the tall brunette kid from Seventeen (the one who looked like Heechul-oppa--Jun? I think that’s his name) when I shook hands with and congratulated Boa-unnie. My members and I were big fans of hers. We were practically “fangirling” as she briefly chatted with us.

            Our fellow SMTOWN artists waited in the same area of the venue for our rides. Irene-unnie was still talking to Boa, Seulgi with Yeri, and Joy with Taeyeon-unnie. I smirked when I saw Baekhyun pass behind her. He glanced at her newly chopped locks with a wistful, childlike expression. At that moment, he wanted to touch those delicate curls. Not for any other reason except to experience the pleasure of their softness.

            Perhaps.

            Nothing was clear to me anymore. I hadn’t heard anything about how they were doing. I wasn’t sure if they were even still seeing each other.

            I always believed that it was better to know the truth, no matter how painful that was, rather than float in between what you think and what you know. Not knowing was always the worst.

            Someone poked me in the ribs, waking me from my daydream.  I turned and Yeri was there, holding my arm.

            “What?” I said.

            She smiled at me sweetly. I wanted to pinch her cheeks. “Unnie, Jongdae-oppa keeps looking at you.” she whispered.

            “Shh, no he isn’t.”

            “Yes!” she protested, “He keeps glancing over here, even when his hyungs are talking to him. He is distracted by you.” My insides swelled with a selfish pride. I swallowed and took a breath to halt the quickening pace of my heartbeat.

            “He could be looking at anything.”

            “You should go say hi to him.” continued Yeri, unfazed.

            “No...I...” Why did it suddenly feel so awkward? He was mine, wasn’t he? After our rendezvous in that random maintenance closet--I felt all sorts of feels upon recalling that occasion--there shouldn’t be any doubt in my mind.  I should go talk to him. There was no worry of cameras back here. I could talk to him...

            “You what? Stop being shy. It doesn’t suit you.”  Yeri said, pouting. She hit my arm lightly.

            “Excuse me, dongsaeng--“

            “Wait, here he comes!” she whispered in my ear.

            “Annyeonghaseyo.” said Chen as he approached, bowing low to me.  I returned the gesture.  “Congratulations on your win tonight.”  He was looking at me when he said it, but he glanced at Yeri and nodded his head to acknowledge her.

            “Gomawo, oppa.”  said Yeri, grinning brightly.

            “Gomawo.” I echoed. “But there are more congratulations owed to you. You guys were great tonight, as usual.”

            Chen smiled. “Eh. We’re all really tired, to be honest.” He gave a little sigh. “...We’re honored, and we certainly tried our best.”  He paused again, apparently trying to think of something else to say. “My voice sounded really harsh tonight. I need to work harder.”

            “You need to work less.” I corrected. “Your voice needs to rest.”

            He nodded. “You’re right. But what can we do.”

            Yeri took a breath, already exasperated by the serious topic. Before she could change it, though, Baekhyun came up behind Chen and captured him in a side hug.

            “Jongdae-ah.” he said, ruffling what remained of Chen’s hair with his free hand. He looked at us and we exchanged greetings and congratulations.

            “Great job with your collaboration. You were brilliant.” he said to me. “...I couldn’t help but notice that your second outfit was a lot like Jongdae’s here, ha ha...”

            Yeri giggled. “Omo, it is!” She pulled at the lapel of my jacket. I laughed, too, albeit awkwardly. Chen was just smiling as he absentmindedly gazed at me, making me feel even more embarrassed.

            Chen and Baekhyun moved forward as Seventeen passed behind them to leave the venue.

            Chen stood right beside me; so close that our arms were touching. Yeri (conveniently, this dongsaeng) had moved to my other side. 

            I could smell him; that oddly pleasant combination of showy cologne and post-concert sweat--a scent that I had become, somehow, unintentionally fond of.

            I made the mistake of looking up. Our eyes met in that moment. I immediately looked away. My h