What is Donghae doing here? Did he come to commit suicide too? That´s wrong, I don´t want that. I want to go first but it´s unexpectedly hard to die. I´m here for a long time already but all the cars avoid me and pass me in high speed. Maybe I should lie down, it would be easier to hit me. I hope it doesn´t hurt much.

“Hyukjae!”

That clear voice again. It´s possible that it´s not a mirage after all. Maybe it´s really Donghae standing over there and watching me. I made a step forward from the white line and a sedan barely missed me. Donghae was in panic and screaming with all his might. He would have just rushed to me but the bystanders were holding him down. That´s good, don´t let him go, people. He´s a nice guy.

“I´m sorry,” I said and although Donghae couldn´t hear me, he understood and desperately tried to get out of the arms keeping him still.

“Don´t! Don´t apologize!” He screamed. “You did nothing wrong! Hyukjae let´s talk! Hyukjae!”

I shook my head. I couldn´t talk to him, I would say something bad again and hurt the brunette. I was scared to speak. I started crying again and this time even Donghae disappeared in the white maze of my sight. I heard sirens and my head began spinning wildly, red and blue lights and loud voices. I couldn´t take it anymore and walked into the road. I closed my eyes tightly and waited for the hit.

But nothing happened.

I opened my eyes and raised my head. Looking around, there was police and the traffic was halted so they could take me out of the road. Just when I managed to get to the spot, I realised I was there alone. Standing in the middle of an empty street. Like a deer in headlights, like a suicide.

“Hyukjae!” The voice was louder and much closer to me.

Donghae came running to me and without any second thought, he took me into his arms. I didn´t have time to let out any kind of sound or do anything, before I was being carried away on the pavement. A policeman was standing already there and giving a sign to his colleague to let the traffic flow again. I couldn´t believe it, they didn´t let me die.

“Are you injured?” The policeman bent down. I was sitting on the ground with Donghae kneeling next to me. I was holding his sleeve like a small child and hoping he would answer for me.

“I think he didn´t get injured,” as I hoped, Donghae spoke up. “Here´s my contact, I will settle everything so please, let me take care of Hyukjae for now.”

“I understand, visit the station in the next twenty-four hours then,” the policeman nodded, “and don´t let him get lost again.”

“Never again,” Donghae answered firmly and from then on his attention was solely on me. I missed him, I missed him so badly.

We weren´t far from Donghae´s house so the brunette decided to go there. He didn´t want to risk transporting me anywhere further. He helped me stood up and my ghost like body then took by hand and pulled away from the crowds. People around thought that I was mentally retarded and got lost, they were making weird faces but all I could see was Donghae´s strong back as I followed him anywhere he wished.

“Here we go, sit down and I will bring you something warm to drink. You are frozen,” Donghae abandoned me in the hallway and rushed into the kitchen. I took off my shoes lazily and only then realised that I had no coat to put on the hanger. No surprise I was freezing.

I sat down on the sofa and closed my eyes. I was slowly returning into consciousness. I was registering the sounds of clinking dishes coming from the kitchen and voices from the outside. I opened my eyes and looked at the clock, it was six in the evening, and I had no idea. What the hell was I doing? Did I really just try to kill myself? Why?

“Now then,” Donghae put a cup of tea on the coffee table and sat down close to me. “Do you want to take a hot bath?” I shook my head bashfully.

But then I got an unexplainable urge. I was scared to ask but my trembling body knew otherwise. I raised my arms and shakily offered my hands to Donghae. I knew I was acting like an imbecile but I didn´t trust my voice and I couldn´t even look at Donghae. But he understood and smiled.

“So cold,” he sighed when he took my hands into his. He fondled them and sometimes breathed hot air on my palms. He was massaging my fingers and tears filled my eyes.

“I´m so sorry,” I whispered and my voice cracked. I was so incredibly sorry for what I´ve done. Not only to Donghae but everyone else and also to me. What have I done to myself?

“Let me tell you something, Hyukjae,” Donghae spoke in low deep voice and it made me shiver. “You wanted to know, why I was so eager to die, right?”

I nodded my head in agreement. I was still looking into my lap and my torso was turned slightly because Donghae was holding my hands. He let go and instead grabbed my waist. He shifted me backwards and closer to himself until I ended up being hugged from the side. It felt comfortable and I allowed myself to relax a little, putting my head on his shoulder.

“I was feeling really down, guilty to the point that I wouldn´t dare to face a person more than once in my life. It was like that for years, I don´t know when I lost the touch with people but when I realised, it was already too late,” Donghae rubbed my arm and shoulder.

“I was permanently annoyed, angry with myself and everyone around. I blamed them for not understanding me and I blamed myself for not explaining. There were many chances to do so, after all,” Donghae sighed. “But if you were to ask me, what actually made me so depressed, I would say nothing.”

At that I jerked. It was the same, I had no idea either. So confused and so sad, it came slowly, creeping up with little unimportant tragedies. Bad days, unsuccessful tries and little fights with people. Sickness, bad weather and small betrayals, when I wasn’t careful, these things took over my mind. I started ignoring happy moments, times when I was happy disappeared from my memory as if they never happened. It was a secret process and I didn´t notice until I was buried in .

“Sometimes it would be so unbearable that I would want to die, in those days I would walk out on the street and try to kill myself. But I was so unlucky in my attempts that it was almost hilarious,” Donghae then chuckled but I didn´t find it funny.

“And then I met you, I hated you immediately. There wasn´t anything special in your life, it was so similar to mine, yet you were all happy. Smiling brightly, enjoying the tiniest seconds of life,” my heart squeezed at the thought that Donghae hates me.

“But the more I knew you, the more I started realising that you were working hard to achieve that happiness. Even if I kept hurting you, you treated me nice, I fell for you at once. It´s the truth.”

At that Donghae pushed me even closer to himself, as if I was a doll or something. He inhaled my scent and for the first time in days I worried, if I used the shampoo this morning. I used, right? I don´t smell, do I? I blushed and bit my lip.

“But it happened a few weeks ago. For the first time I caught you looking into the space with empty eyes,” Donghae´s voice turned sad and I wanted to hear more. “You once told me that my eyes often turn black and empty and I realised that I burdened you with my own darkness. I could almost see you sinking. I tried to stop it, I wouldn´t dare to hurt you anymore from that point on. But then Choco died and you built up walls I was too weak to overcome. I´m sorry, Hyukjae.”

What is he saying. It´s not Donghae´s fault but my own. I also wasn´t strong enough to defend against the sadness and I had to pay the price. And I was glad. I was happy because Donghae´s eyes were clear. For the first time I raised my head and looked into his eyes. Yes, they were shining.

“Save me,” I said before I could stop myself. “I can´t do it alone.”

Fanservice:

150525 CBB:

An overseas fan spoke Korean well, so Hyuk said: “Woah, you speak Korean better than Donghae ㅋㅋㅋ.”

Hello! So how is it now? Still holding grudge against the boys? :P Anyway, thank you fo reading and await the lat chapter on Friday! Also I got an idea for the next story? What do you want to read about? Thanks and have a nice day! - PandaHero