This must be a bad dream, a nightmare. I wake up in the morning and feel like a ghost. My body weights nothing compared to the burden on my heart, I became a terrorist. Somebody who mercilessly slays other´s happiness for his own selfishness. I´m aware but I´m too far gone to step out of the role. I take the bus and look out of the window, it´s raining and it´s incredibly cold. I´m shivering just at the sight and the wind almost trips me over once I try to get off the bus.

Yesung is already in the changing room. We fought three times in two weeks and I feel guilty, I haven´t apologised and the awkwardness between us is something we´ve never felt with each other. I stop in the doorway and greet him, he greets back but there is no smile and no ´how are you´ attached. It´s cold, just like the weather. I take a look at the time table and with annoyance find out that I get the worst jobs again. I´m being bullied and it´s my own fault. It was me, who turned everyone against me with my behaviour and of course they wish to repay me back in some way. I´m here only half of the week so I have no right to choose the work, since I´m already choosing my shifts.

“Something wrong?” Yesung asked me when he saw my face. I knew he probably didn´t realise the problem, it´s possible because he saw all the work the same. It was work. But in my current state I was like a bull or an irritated snake, one step and I was already kicking and spitting.

“As if you didn´t know,” I muttered rudely. Yesung was still my superior above being my friend, I was being stupid again. But the train set off already, it was too late to stop it.

“What do you mean, Hyukjae,” Yesung frowned at the tone.

“That you are picking on me!” I yelled angrily. I wish he would just slap me before I say more. I knew the routine very well, since the incident with Donghae, I became unstoppable. I was mentally unstable and dangerous.

“Hyukjae, you know it´s not like that,” Yesung tried to settle the fight.

“Oh, really? Then why do I have to only clean this week?!” I grabbed the printed paper on the board and tore it into pieces making them fall around like a snow.

“Hyukjae! Somebody has to do it, you know that!” Yesung´s patience wasn´t bottomless.

“But why me? And stop saying what I know and what I don´t, I´m sick of it!” I screamed and only by accident I didn´t curse at Yesung.

“Hyukjae,” my superior warned and I felt him slowly boil inside.

“Shut up!” I spat and that second I had Yesung grabbing me by the collar. His eyes were angry and face red, the knuckles on my shirt were turning white and the raven haired male was putting all his efforts into not punching me. What have I done?

“I feel sick, I want to go home,” my anger died down in a second, my legs began shaking. Yesung was surprised by the sudden change of my attitude and in confusion let go of me.

I bowed ninety degrees but kept my face hidden and mouth closed. I bowed once again in the doorway and then in front of the building too, even if he didn´t watch anymore I wanted to show my respect. Then I bit my lip and began running towards the bus station. Away, I need to get away. I´m a monster!

I locked myself in my house and hid under the duvets. Cocooned like a larvae I clenched my fists against my shirt. Nobody hurt me but I was hurting. I couldn´t describe it, I had no excuse for being like that either. If you asked what happened to me, I would say that nothing. Nothing actually happened, yet I was in this state. The depression reached the point where I drowned in it.

I don´t remember anymore how it started and I have no idea how to end it. I can barely see some vague moments of happiness, the last one thanks to Donghae. Lee Donghae, I felt sorry toward him the most. I knew he was a gentle person deep down under those covers of gloominess but also joyfulness. He deserved better. I just hope that he won´t return to the way he used to be, that he won´t fall into that horrible depression and want to die again. I wouldn´t be able to bear it, if he died and I failed my chance to save him. I messed up.

I missed Donghae, I missed him like crazy honestly. I don´t know the exact reason why but I could feel myself reach for him in my daydreaming. That curly brown hair, expressive eyes and light lips. I instinctively touched my lip and with closed eyes tried to remember the kiss. I couldn´t, I forgot. I realised that I was forgetting many things or maybe I was just unable to remember them, I didn´t know. I tried to imagine Donghae smiling but all I could see was his betrayed face. How hurt he must have been. I wanted to cry but my eyes were dry, even my lips were torn.

Minutes, hours, days passed and things were getting worse. I didn´t go to work. Not because I wasn´t feeling well but because I couldn´t face Kangin, Yesung and everyone else. I acted like a jerk these past weeks and they all began hating me. I refused to speak to my mother and I denied my sister´s calls. I pretended to not be at home whenever I heard the doorbell ring and the light in the house were permanently switched off. I felt like a ghost again, haunting my own flat.

At the end of November I couldn´t hide anymore. The fridge was empty and I was running out of the shampoo. I was surprised at first that I still managed to keep my routine. I had three small meals a day, regularly washed, shaved and tidied the house. I also exercised to keep the stamina, after the years full of dancing, even in my state I couldn´t abandon these fundamentals. I tried hard to stay human but it wasn´t possible, not in the current circumstances. Should I head out? But where to?

I needed to go shopping. Or maybe I should try and go to work? There´s my family, I should visit my mom. None of these ideas seem good, the opposite actually. I don´t feel like doing anything properly anymore, I don´t feel like a person after all. Just like a shadow. Should I go to the park? Maybe I could take Choco with me for a walk. Wait.

I ended up in the park. I was dressed but I didn´t know what I was wearing, probably not enough. I felt cold. Sitting on a bench in old jeans and sweater, I was looking into the emptiness. People were walking around, sometimes they would glance at me and shake their head. I pretended to be an apparition, I hoped people wouldn´t be able to see me but they could and it was annoying. Why did I go to the park? There were too many people. I hate people, they hurt me and I hurt them. They are like poison to me and I´m dangerous for them, better stay away.

I stood up and staggered away. I must have looked drunk but I didn´t drink. I´ve never smoked and never committed any crime. I paid taxes and donated blood. What did I do wrong then? When did I turn into this kind of person? Cruel and disgusting. The surrounding changed and I wasn´t in the park anymore. City, even more people, stress. Where to go? I was feeling dizzy and my heart was pounding.

Die, I want to die. Donghae, is this how you´ve felt? As if on electric shock I entered the busy road. Cars were halting and honking. I was standing in the middle on the white line. I managed to cross half without getting hit. Why am I lucky at this moment? Why can´t I die?

“Hyukjae!”

With glassy eyes I looked at the pavement. Everything was blurry and the noises around slipped into the back of my head and sounded as if they were under the water. The picture was similar, hazy, like an impressionistic painting. There was only one thing clear for both my eyes and ears. It was Lee Donghae.

Fanservice:

DH: Please anticipate SJ new album (All in Chinese).

EH: What did you say???

DH: That’s a secret.   

EH: So now you guys are making secrets with Donghae, huh?

Fans: YES! 

So Hyuk childishly waved and walked away sulking.

Hello! My, my. First you bash Donghae and now you protect him bashing Hyukjae? I guess I got you then :P But I hope that with this chapter you understood Hyukjae´s feelings, in the next you should finally find out Donghae´s reason for his suicidal behaviour. Thank you for your comments and have a nice (super cold over here) day! - PandaHero