Seulgi  

          It was mid 2011 when my feelings for him became stronger. Maybe it was because our late night practice sessions were back or maybe because Jongin paid more attention to me ever since the night I cried. Sometimes after practices, he would drag me to the canteen and ate snacks together and during lunch time he would drag two tables where his friends and my friends can join us. Not only did Jongin and I got closer, the female trainees and the male trainees became closer too.

There were many trainees who were recruited over the years and I already felt like I know who my group mates would be. This year will mark the 5th year I have trained and I hope I would debut soon.

            There was this one sweet moment that made me realize I have fallen for him, hard. It was the New Year’s Eve party. SM had decided to event two parties. One party for the trainees who have not been exposed to the public yet and the other party for artists who have debut. Some pictures will be taken from their party and showcased in the SMTOWN website.

            Every trainee and staff were invited. Our dance instructor, vocal trainer (gosh I hate that woman so much), and our make up artists were all invited. The drinks there were not spiked because a few of the trainees were still minors, I was also a minor. The party had a dance floor where all the dancing machines showed their talents in front of the staffs, just to impress them so that they can debut soon. There was also a karaoke machine where the vocalists and rappers were having fun at.

            Between the party madness, I was sitting silently on the couch watching the kids sing on the karaoke machine while drinking lemon tea.

            “You having fun?” Someone suddenly jumped on the couch and scoot next to me. Unsurprisingly, it was Jongin.

            “Yeah, loads of fun?” I muttered sarcastically.

            “Oh, come on Seul! How can you not have fun? We’re celebrating New Year’s Eve!”

            “That’s exactly why I’m not in the mood.” I started. Jongin notices the drop in my mood and he held my hand to lead me outside of the party room. He led us to our practice room and made me sit on the couch while he kneeled in front of me.

            “What’s wrong?”

            “Jongin, I’m tired of being a trainee.” I spilled out. It was true. The past months have been quite stressful for me. One of the requirements of being a trainee is to keep our job a secret. My friends can’t know I was a trainee in SM. I couldn’t join extra-curricular activities because there was simply no time. Right after school, I would go home, do my homework, eat a little and go to SM to train for the rest of the day. My friends and I were getting distant and it’s all because of SM. My social life no longer exists outside of SM. I spend holidays in SM. I’m even spending New Year with SM, not with my family. I skipped Christmas with my family just so I can attend the monthly assessment IN SM!

            “Why so sudden?” His voice was full of concern. I sighed once while trying to blink my tears away. I took another deep breath before spilling everything to him.

            “Sometimes I wonder, am I doing the right thing or am I wasting my time? Is being a celebrity right for me? What do you think Jongin?”

            He looked at me and smiled sincerely. He sat next to me and covered my hand with his.

            “You want to know what I think?” I nod. “I want you to remember yourself the day you audition for SM. Why did you audition?”

            “Because I wanted to dance as my career.”

            “Why do you want to dance as your career?”

            “Because it’s my passion. Jongin this doesn’t make sense—”

            “But you just made it make sense. I’m not simply asking you all these questions arbitrarily. I went through the same thing but my mom helped me out. This time I’m going to help you out.”

            “How?”

            “What if I told you, all you’ve been doing was a waste of time? You’re wasting time in this company. You’re not going to enjoy your life after debut. Dancing is just a mere hobby. You’re going to grow out of it. You should’ve studied more to get a job that gives more income. Your sacrifices were all a waste. What if I told you all that? What would you have told me?” He asked with all seriousness on his face.

            I looked at him and peered into his eyes. I realized he was not serious and he just wanted me to think. He didn’t actually mean that.

            “Well first of all, I would’ve punched you in the face,” he laughed but I continued. “But I would also tell you you’re wrong.”

            His lips started curling up slowly. “Tell me why.”

            “I haven’t been wasting my time because I’m training. Training makes me a better dancer. I’m not wasting my time in this company because this company will help me with my future. I may not enjoy my life as an idol after debut, but I would rather be an idol that than sitting behind a desk for 12 hours a day. Dancing is not a hobby but rather my passion. Hobby is something I would get bored of but dancing is part