New year was supposed to be about happiness, where children raised their arms towards the night sky with laughter plastered across their faces. It was the only day where no one had a reason not to celebrate, people seeking redemption, wishes to be uttered, promises to be made. At the same time it was the day of the year where people put on fireworks, this time being the one that sent their own stars towards heaven. All this time men had received so many of them, floating down towards the ground or shooting across the night sky. If they could wish upon a star, then maybe this time it was the stars who wished upon them, mankind answering it with fireworks of their own.

His friends were having so much fun, Hoseok being the center of attention, putting up a one man show that entertained almost all of them. Minju played the guitar with Jungkook singing beautifully with her. Yujin showcased her singing ability next and it truthfully gave Yoongi goosebumps. He would have complimented her on a normal day, slinging his arm across her shoulder and making her laugh. Beer bottles were opened and they were all laughing along, revisiting certain memory that the year had given them, all the while with the hint of melancholy and the hidden realization that next year would pull them all apart. But tonight it was only about happiness for them, about celebrating the moment and the company that they all had.

Yes, them, with the exception of Min Yoongi.

As the new year came closer and closer, Yoongi started to feel emptier and emptier instead. The more he stood there, watching his friends, the more he felt that big hole gnawing inside of him. Every laughter was needles pricking his skin. Every nostalgic story was a lighter held under his palm. Everything became even harder to endure and the sky started to mock him continuously, asking him why he was even there on the first place.

When he lifted his head it was still the same dull, ugly sky, cracked and burnt with scars overlining them. It reminded him of the disapproving gaze that his father always gave him or the disgust that Jungkook had. It was the stern look that Mrs. Oh gave or his brother who was tired of him screwing his own family up. Out here under the sky he felt somewhat , vulnerable under its harsh judgement.

Gritting his teeth, Yoongi just stood up from his seat and turned his heels away, thinking that getting away from all of this would make him feel better. He knew that his friends would probably miss him, but he couldn't stay there for any seconds longer. Every cell in his body screamed at him to go somewhere else, one in which he didn't have to lift his head and see the sky above.

The night was dark and no one was probably going to realize that Yoongi was missing. It was a move, he realized, but at least he had fulfilled Namjoon's wish for coming. He wasn't that far away from their spot, only a few minutes walk away down the hill upon the single pathway, when he spot a figure hiking up from the opposite direction.

It was indeed dark, but as the figure called out to him, he could easily tell who it was.

“It's me, Taehyung,” he nonchalantly answered.

He remembered the other saying something about Taehyung coming late. Seemed like the problematic kid had finally arrived.

“You really do come, hyung,” the younger boy asked as he stepped closer.

“Yeah, Namjoon forced me to,” he muttered.

“Where are you going now, then?” Taehyung asked, as he realized that Yoongi was going to the direction he was coming from, which meant that he was practically running away.

Yoongi could only sigh, hoping that Taehyung wasn't going to stop him.

“I just need to get away. Please don't stop me, Tae,” he said, speaking the honest words.

For a moment Taehyung just stood there in front of him and it felt like the boy was blocking his own path. H e walked aside surprisingly a few moment later without another word and Yoongi found it as a blessing. He muttered a simple thank you and continued walking down the hill.

He thought about leaving that place as fast as he could before Taehyung called out to him once again, stopping him on his track .

“Hyung, could you perhaps-.”

Yoongi turned his body slightly, trying to face Taehyung while answering a simple, “What?”

It took the other boy a few moment to contemplate, probably remembering what he wanted to say. It was hard to read the boy's expression with how dark their surrounding was.

But Taehyung shook his head before he continued once again. “No, forget it, hyung.”

Shrugging, Yoongi just thought about walking down the hill, trying to find shelter before the countdown started. That was his initial plan when he heard Namjoon's voice this time, calling his name. That little conversation with Taehyung had certainly cost him his escape, his best friend finally realizing that he was missing and came down to fetch him. If only he didn't run on Taehyung, he was probably farther away already right now for Namjoon to notice.

“Tae, you're here?” Namjoon said at the same time to Taehyung. “Wait, where's Jimin?”

Something clicked in his mind that moment. Yoongi froze on his track and turned around, facing Namjoon who was gripping Taehyung's shoulder. Taehyung was late not because he was taking some soju, wasn't he? He was late because he was convincing someone else to come.

“I tried, hyung,” Taehyung answered, his voice sounding oddly sad.

Something wasn't right.

“He's not gone yet, has he?” Namjoon asked again, seemingly concerned.

Yoongi's eyes turned wide. What did he just hear?

“I don't know. He was still there when I left. I tried to convince him but he said he didn't want to be a bother anymore,” Taehyung said.

That sensation came back, that odd beat of his heart, that restlessness that had him curling his fist.

“Wait, Jimin's leaving?” Yoongi found himself speaking the words, asking both of his friends.

Was this really happening?

He waited for either Namjoon or Taehyung to answer, but all that he got was silence, the two of them oddly keeping their mouth shut.

“Why aren't you answering me? I'm asking you, is Jimin leaving?!” he said again, raising his voice.

It was dark but he could see the sad expression on Namjoon's face as he walked closer towards him, as if he was sorry for something. No, this didn't feel right at all.

“Jimin promised us not to tell you,” he answered back.

“What? That didn't make any sense. Why is he leaving?” he asked again, this time facing Taehyung, hoping that the younger would have an explanation for him.

Taehyung just answered him calmly instead, no sign of mockery or disgust, just simple words coming out from him.

“Shouldn't you know, hyung?”

It didn't even feel like it was Taehyung who asked him. It felt as if it was himself who did.

Was it because of him? Because of his words back then? He knew he just broke the boy down. After what he had gone through from Seoul, Yoongi just made everything worse. But it was necessary, wasn't it? In a way, he was helping Jimin. He was making him better. If kissing him was wrong, then doing the opposite would be right.

Breaking the boy's heart would be right.

“Hyung, Jimin came to us personally this week, telling us that he's going back to Seoul right after new year. He didn't tell us why. He just made us promise not to tell you,” Namjoon said softly to him.

So Namjoon tried to be the mediator by bringing him to their new year's eve while Taehyung tried to convince Jimin to come . Turned out, the plan didn't work really well either way.

So did this mean both of them knew already? Did Jimin talk to them about what happened respectively? Did they even believe him?

“Just-, what really happened, hyung? How could this be so bad that Jimin left Yeoryang-myeon because of you?”

“I d-don't know, all right?! I don't even know he's leaving,” Yoongi answered, his voice somehow raising. That moment his mind could only think about whether Jimin was still in town or not. He wasn't expecting this at all. Shouldn't he be happy? He had avoided the boy entirely and now he didn't have to anymore.

He should be happy, his brain said. But somehow, at the same time, he knew he couldn't.

“What did you guys even fight about that it got so bad, he had to leave this place at the end, Yoongi?” his best friend returned the word, raising his voice at the same time.

It pissed him off even more . Namjoon had even dropped the hyung and this best friend of his wouldn't certainly stop.

“Why do you even assume that I'm the cause of this? Have you asked Jimin, huh? Why do you even think that I've done something wrong?!” he yelled back.

Because that was the script from the very beginning . He would have a problem with Jimin and everyone would assume that it was him screwing up. It was a misunderstanding at first before it turned into Jimin avoiding his very existence. That time it was him who finally put an end to all of it but now-, now was different. Now was-.

“Because I know you, Yoongi. You're my best friend since kindergartens and I know you. Heck, we all know you and we all can tell that you're dying inside. All you've done was running away and that certainly didn't look like someone who's innocent to me.”

Lately, all that Min Yoongi had inside of him was anger, the only other emotion that he could rely on, the one thing that could cover that guilt and disgust that was starting to eat him alive . Though as angry as he could get, Yoongi was a terrible liar, especially to himself, because he knew that Namjoon's words were right in a way. He did run away.

He caused a lot of harm to people who loved him. That was his crime.

But he did it for a reason, didn't he? It was for a good cause. To make both Jimin and him normal. To avoid those upcoming hatred from society that they would endure.

(But still, why did he feel like he was a criminal, right now?

All he did was said a few words to Jimin, but why did he feel like he just murdered someone with his own two hands instead?)

“You don't have the right to say , Namjoon. You don't even know what happened,” he said sharply, pointing his forefinger towards Namjoon.

“I'll be glad to know, then. Just what the is happening?!”

“Nothing!”

“Nothing wouldn't make you act like this. Nothing wouldn't make you leave home for four days, it wouldn't certainly bash Ikje's head on the floor as well. Nothing wouldn't make you avoid Jimin that much, the boy was doing you a good favor for leaving this town for good!”

Was that what Jimin told Namjoon, that he left Yeoryang-myeon because what he just said? Because he was doing a favor for someone who said that he was disgusting?

(For someone who used to promise that he would never see him that way).

“Do you even still care about Jimin, because I do. He's my friend. He's our friend, and we all tried to stop him from leaving. If you still considered him a friend you should have known better.”

Jimin was his best friend, there was no doubt about it. Even when the boy said that he loved him, he was still his best friend above all else. There were only two options now. Whether he still consider Jimin as his friend or not at all entirely.

(Or maybe something more instead)

“We care about you as well, hyung. We're worried and sick of seeing you two acting like this,” Namjoon said, his voice growing softer.

Even if he told Namjoon, what could his best friend do but sneer and look at him with disgust just like everybody else?

It was his anger speaking, because the next words that left his mouth was poison instead. “Just off and mind your own business, Namjoon.”

With that he quickly turned his back, trying to get away from the place just like he initially wanted to do , before it was a hand suddenly gripping him hard on the shoulder, pulling him back. Instinct got him turning around, fist already up in the air before another already landed on his face, making contact with his cheekbone, it sent him a few steps back. He could hear Taehyung's gasp at that point, the boy taking steps closer, ready to break a fight that would probably ensued.

“So you're nothing but a little who could only run away, eh?” Namjoon hissed at him right after the punch.

“What did you call me?”

“I called you a little , Yoongi,” Namjoon said back. “Or what? You want me to call you gay, just like Ikje never did?”

That moment Yoongi screamed so loudly. He screamed so loudly he threw his body towards Namjoon, the two of them fell towards the ground withhim pinning Namjoon from above. His fist was there right beside him and he would repeat the same mistake. He would do to Namjoon what he had done to Ikje back then. He would land his fist repeatedly on Namjoon's face and bashed his head against the hard ground.

Only this time there wasn't a Park Jimin there to stop him.

His fist was still there, hanging on the air, a few centimeters away from Namjoon's face, dar ing him to land the punch, taunting him with a mistake waiting to be repeated. It would be the only thing that he did, then, repeating mistakes all over again, screwing and ing up. Half of him wanted to just scream and let the wheel of mistake be repeated once again.

Another half of him said that if he did, then he never patched anything up in the first place. The words he said to Jimin was as wrong as hitting Ikje could be. The right that he thought was written in black across the white paper wasn't really black to begin with. He was already lost in between the two worlds he didn't know where he was anymore.

Min Yoongi spent too much of his time looking at the sky when his feet was still rooted on the ground, he was finally lost in between the horizon, not being able to tell which was the sky or the ground. He was trapped in between the two worlds, not belonging to either of them .

He was already lost that winter, when everything was white and Jimin's kiss on his lips made him forget who he was.

“Jimin said that he loved me back then after summer.”

Without him realizing it was his mouth, slowly working on its own. He didn't even know why he told Namjoon all of this. He had never told this to anyone, yet the words flowed endlessly from his mouth without him wanting to stop. Namjoon kept on asking for explanations. He was giving the man exactly that this time, waiting for the disgust and hate that he would receive by the end of it.

“He told me that he loved me just like anyone would ever love someone they would want to marry.”

He didn't feel like he was looking back at Namjoon. He felt like he was looking back at himself, pinning Min Yoongi on the ground with his own fist hanging on the air.

“And I don't see him any differently, because Jimin was my best friend.”

That part was true. He didn't care if Jimin was gay.

But if it was himself who was, it would be a totally different matter.

“But he kissed me that day, that rainy day on Thursady and I-,”

And what did you do, Yoongi?

“-and I kissed him back.”

He lowered his fist slowly, his fingers felt like trembling and his shoulder shaking. He was so afraid of those words, he couldn't stand to hear it being uttered from Jimin's or amyone's mouth. He wanted to deny that reality, but here he was now finally letting the words roll on his own tongue, because as much as he tried, he would always find himself back on that classroom on that rainy Thursday.

“Why do you kiss him back?” Namjoon asked, his words surprisingly calmer and soothing.

Yoongi felt like hiding his face. He felt like curling himself up and be as little as he could, hiding himself from the eyes that gazed upon him. It was judgement that the sky gave him. It was his father's disapproving gaze. It was his older brother being disappointed at him and his mother wanting to cry for having him as a son. Then it would be Jungkook being disgusted at him, Minju who saw him as someone who could only screw up. But Jimin always looked at him differently until that snowy day in winter when he broke the sky down.

“I-i don't know. I d-don't know why I did that. I don't understand and I'm afraid. I-,”

He was stuttering, his voice shaking and breaking. He felt his breath hitching in his chest, alongside the heart that ached with each beat. He was empty back then, now he was hurting.

“I know it was wrong. It was s-so wrong.”

Yet he did it for the second time. It was a mistake and he repeated it again. It was wrong or so he thought , plaguing his mind ever since.

This was it, Namjoon would be disgusted by him. The same to Taehyung who was standing there, watching the two of them. Or even his other friends, they all had probably heard his scream, rushing towards them to witness the confession he just made.

I nstead, Namjoon opened his mouth once again, his tone still calm even after all of that.

“Do you love Jimin?”

Yoongi blinked. What kind of a question was that? Why did Namjoon ask him that? This wasn't supposed to be about love, because Yoongi would and never could return Jimin's feeling. He shouldn't and it was simply impossible. Until he was standing on the sky and it was the ground that he was seeing up above his head, he would never-.

“What? With guys-, it's wrong and I'm-.”

Falling in love was different. Falling in love was as simple as what happened between him and music. A walk passed a certain store at a town nearby when he was twelve, accompanying his mom who couldn’t get her mind with the red dress or the blue one. It was a certain music played on the background, Epik High’s Fly. That was falling in love.

“What if it's not wrong. Do you love him, hyung?”

Then there was this summer afternoon right after school, when some upperclassmen yelled at him to pass them their basketball back. He did so and it followed by a, 'Do you want to play?' that he returned with a shrug. That was falling in love and he knew it the moment he scored his first three-pointer that day.

“N-no, Namjoon, you don't understand, it's wrong, it's w-wrong. It'll always be wrong.”

Then there was Park Jimin.

“But what if there's no right or wrong, hyung? There's nothing. Just you and Jimin,” Namjoon said. “Just ask yourself and think about nothing else but that.”

Just him and Jimin just like any other day along the road of Yeoryang-myeon with the sky above their head.

“Do you love Jimin?”

There was no right or wrong, just the two of them and the sky. It was just any other day after basketball, Jimin riding the bicycle behind him, telling him to go faster and Yoongi laughing along to everything. It was the two of them sitting in the middle of the road or even the Gyeongpodae, looking at the moon. It was the detention they spent together with the foul smell of toilet or dusty record room.

And there was Jimin, looking back at him with a smile across his face and the sky on his eyes.

Do I love Jimin, then?

“Yes.”

Nobody said a word after that. No one moved and even the universe spared a few moment for that fact to seep in, even the wind and the snow stood still. Every eyes were pointed at him, taking note for the single word that had slipped through his lips. They were probably judging again, ready to mock and cast him aside for the sin he just admitted.

But at the same time Yoongi felt as if someone just took off that heavy burden of his shoulder. He dared to lift his head up to see the sky and there they were breathing again, the crack gone and the moon peeked in through the clouds, greeting him. It was the sky that he loved once again.

“I love him.”