New year was coming in a week and he truthfully wasn't expecting the holiday. In fact, he wasn't expecting the winter break as well. The only thing that he should be thinking about was Seoul, but somehow he found himself feeling empty inside. He finally agreed to meet the other boys on Saturday that week, another familiar faces greeting him as they met in Seokjin's house.

Hoseok and Taehyung buried him in a hug, telling him how they missed seeing his grumpy face. Seokjin spoke calmly later as he helped the elder to bring the plates from the kitchen, about how they just wished that Yoongi was doing all right.

“We know that you need some time alone,” Seokjin said to him. “But we're always here for you, you know that, right?”

Yoongi just answered him with a hum, because he knew that the 'we' that Seokjin spoke off didn't include certain faces that were missing around the table. In fact, the rest of his friends were pretty much clueless about everything that had happened and Yoongi decided to keep it that way.

“Where's Jimin and Jungkook anyway?” Namjoon later on asked.

“Jimin's got some stuff to do back home,” answered Taehyung in the middle of chewing. “Jungkook is at Minju-noona's place. They would probably come later.”

Whatever stuff that Jimin got to do back home, Yoongi knew that it was some petty excuse for avoiding him all over again and this time he didn't know what to say to that. In fact, even as he sat there amongst his friends for the first time since forever, he couldn't bring himself to smile, even as stupid as a joke that Hoseok got this time or how much Seokjin tried to cheer him up with promise of another gourmet meal.

The emptiness was then replaced with cautiousness as Jungkook appeared half an hour later with Minju behind him. The girl greeted her boyfriend first with a peck on the cheek before she looked at Yoongi with surprise being clear on her face.

“And here you finally are, Mr Troublemaker,” she said with a smirk on her face. “You're definitely the talk of the century, you know that?”

“What? All I did was smack some senses to Ikje,” he murmured.

Minju quickly sat next to him before punching him lightly on the arm.

“Oh please, you did more than that,” she said with a smile that seemed to be hiding something more.

Dinner was getting a bit louder after that with the addition of Minju, the girl was hyped up about the idea of all of them spending new year's eve together on the hill with a pack of firework and bottle of beers. Yoongi didn't have any remark on that, focusing his attention to his tasteless ramyun. Even as tasty as Seokjin's usual cooking was, everything became sour and unappealing to his mouth.

It was when he brought his empty plate back to the kitchen, that he found Minju following him, or rather, blocking his way back to the table by standing by the door. She could be claiming that she just wanted to grab something in the kitchen, but it awfully looked like she was waiting to talk to him in private.

“What?” he said. He clearly didn't have any time for this.

“Are you and Jimin fighting?” she suddenly blurt out.

Yoongi raised his eyebrow. What was this? Why did he suddenly feel like he was being cornered out of nowhere, and by Minju of all people. Normally, it would have been his own gang of friends, but this time it was the girl, he couldn't stop thinking how wrong all of this was. At the same time he felt threatened, his fear slowly rising back up, questions swarming in his own head.

“We're not,” he lied. “And even if we did, it's none of your business,” he said.

Did she know? She was Jungkook's cousin and she was indeed close with him. Did Jungkook tell her, then? If she knew, she would have told Seokjin afterward. But Seokjin treated him indifferently. Maybe she simply hadn't told him, and when she did, Seokjin would know and soon enough, everyone would-,

“It did, if it somehow got Yujin involved,” she said, her tone careful and the friendliness that she had completely disappeared from her voice.

Yoongi took a good look at her and Minju was indeed something to confront him like this. Even during the entire dinner, she acted as if nothing was wrong at first, whilst her cousin decided not to look at Yoongi at all in the eye. In fact, Jungkook had been treating him as if he was invisible.

“Are you threatening me?” Yoongi said, answering her back with a sharp gaze, as he took a step forward towards her.

He could see the look that she had faltering for a second. Yoongi wasn't deemed as scary for no reason. He still had his own reputation and he wouldn't back down even if the one standing in front of him was a girl.

“I don't know what's happening, all right,” she said, her voice losing the sharpness that it had just seconds ago. “But I care about Yujin and I'm going to personally kill you if you break her heart,” she said, before turning around and went back to the table.

Yoongi certainly didn't know what just happened. At this moment, he was pretty much convinced that Yujin, Minju and Jungkook were aware of what he had done. Clenching his fist tight, he quickly walked pass the table and towards the door instead, disregarding the questions that rose from the table. He just needed to get away. Spending time with his friends didn't make himself feel any better.

He was out on the street already when he heard footsteps racing towards him from behind.

“Yoongi, please wait,” it was Seokjin's voice and soon enough, the elder caught up with him, touching him gently on the shoulder.

“What's wrong, Yoongi? Can you please just stay? We miss spending time with you. We were having so much fun and-,”

“Fun?” Yoongi said, turning around. He was about to snap again. “Next time we are having so much fun you better put a leash on your girlfriend's throat.”

He didn't realize what he just said until the words left his lips and Seokjin's expression twisted. It wasn't anger, it was more of him being surprised. Silence quickly befell them both and Yoongi looked back towards the ground, realizing his mistake and clenched his fist tighter.

“I'm sorry, I didn't mean that,” he quickly muttered. He shouldn't have insulted Minju. Lately, all he did was hurting people with his own words and action.

He had done the right thing by casting Jimin away for good, but why did as much as he say to himself that it was the right thing to do, something kept on bothering him from the inside? Even now he still wasn't granted with the peace that he was desperately seeking for.

Minju was actually right. He was going to hurt Yujin by dragging her into this mess. Even from the very beginning he already knew that.

“What's really going on with you, Yoongi?” Seokjin instead asked, his words calm and comforting.

“Nothing,” he answered him back with a lie.

“Is there anything we can do to help?”

And even as nice as Seokjin was, he was going to lose him again when he realized what was happening. He would look at him with such disgust just like Jungkook did, before it spread like wildfire to all the people he knew. Disgust was indeed infectious and in the end, he was forced to leave this place, repeating a fate of someone he already knew to well.

“Just like you've said, hyung. I just need some time,” he said, remembering Seokjin's earlier words that day before turning around and left.

+.-.+

New year was on Sunday that year. He had been staying at Namjoon's place for almost two weeks ever since the incident with Ikje, with him going back to his own room without being known by his parents from time to time. He still hadn't found his journal and by now, Yoongi was certain that he had lost it somewhere, whether it had fallen out of his bag somewhere during his walk home, or his father had purposely flushed it down the toilet to piss him off. It was better to let it go, although it was indeed such a shame, since he had written some killer lyrics and punchline in it. In the end h e knew that he could always recreate it.

Being such a contrast from him, Namjoon was seemingly ready to start a new life in Seoul, looking up for places to stay and preparing his university application. He told him that he was still going to go to university and pursue his dream as a musician at the same time. Unlike him, his best friend seemed to have everything figure out, while Yoongi felt like he had lost control of his life entirely, all of it slipping past his fingers like the season changing without him realizing.

He stayed away from his friends, venturing the town like a ghost in the middle of winter before finding himself most often than not on the hill with a cigarette resting between his finger. He always came home when it got too cold or when his feet started aching. Breaking a knee seemed to have its long-term effect since the cold made his old wound ache when the weather was too cold to handle.

As days gone by, the dull ache on his knee became the realest thing that he could feel. He slowly found himself being numb, that large hole in his chest started to swallow him whole. Everything was white in front of his eyes and when he raised his head the sky seemed dull, it didn't look like he was even seeing the sky on the first place. For the first time in his life it looked undeniably ugly, he couldn't stand to gaze upon it more than just a few seconds.

Everything was broken no matter how many times he lifted his head. The stars weren't shining and the moon had thousands of tiny crack on its surface. The sun wasn't blinding, its ray dull and boring, he was glad the horizon finally swallowed it whole by the end of the day. Maybe it was winter, making everything nothing but a piece of black and white painting.

(Or maybe it was Yoongi losing himself slowly).

It was new year's eve when Namjoon finally had enough and practically dragged him to the hill even though he didn't want to. His best friend yelled at him and said that he better started living on the street for real if he kept on running away.

“I'm not running away,” Yoongi said.

“The hell you didn't. Sure, this time you got my house to stay in, but what you're doing right now is exactly that,” Namjoon said.

In the back of his mind he knew that Namjoon was actually right.

“So you better drag your sorry for whatever reason it could be and meet the other just this time,” he said. “This is our last year, Yoongi. You don't want to leave everything in such a bad term, do you?”

That melancholic little part of him got to remember about all the fun that they had this year, about the group of friends he had been spending his time with since the start of high school and the very people that was left until now. This was probably going to be their last new year together, he better cherished the moment while he could.

Yoongi finally agreed, even when each step that he took as he neared the hill became heavier and heavier. His mind kept on thinking about who was going to be there, because there were indeed certain people he would love to avoid.

Yoongi had spent almost all new year's eve in that little town. Most of the inhabitants would gather on the Auraji Bridge, setting up firework and blowing trumpets together, chatting and laughing along to friendly neighbors over shared soju. This time, their group decided to spend it privately on the hill. Sure enough, he could hear Hoseok's loud shriek from miles away already. The girl from Minju's group was there as well and that would also mean that he was going to see Yujin.

He hadn't talked to Yujin ever since she called him that day and he honestly didn't feel like he needed to. He didn't even know what to call their relationship at this time, but the girl did give him a smile as he arrived there, making him feel even more guilty. Hoseok was actually a blessing, since he was the most oblivious one, treating him just like he always did. He was the only one he didn't have any problem with beside Taehyung, who was surprisingly not there.

(And of course someone else wasn't there as well and Yoongi wasn't even expecting him to be).

“He said he was going to be a bit late. Probably stealing some last minute Soju or something,” Namjoon said.

They put out some sheet s so they could sit on the ground, with the girl bringing some hot chocolate and snacks. Minju and Seokjin were there and he didn't say anything to the both of them after what had happened on dinner last time. Jungkook like always acted as if he was invisible. And Yujin-,

“Can I talk to you for a minute, Yoongi?” she asked as the others were sitting on the ground, Minju bringing a guitar and playing a song while Hoseok beatboxed and Namjoon rapped at the same time.

In the end, this conversation with Yujin was something he would have to do sooner or later. They walked a few meters away from the others under the shade of the trees, making sure that their conversation wouldn't be heard. He quietly followed her and stopped when she did, looking back at him before taking a deep breath.

“Yoongi, about last time, I-,”

“You don't need to explain,” he quickly said. Because she probably knew already, Jimin talking to her with a heartfelt confession, hoping that he could speak with him. That was a smart move, because Yoongi knew that he was going to avoid Jimin at all cost. Jimin in return just used his own girlfriend to his advantage.

“But-,”

“No, it's okay. I understand,” he said, looking at the ground instead of her own eyes.

Yoongi didn't know what she was thinking or feeling right now. He rather avoided this conversation, not wanting to hear any explanation that she had. There were words that simply didn't need to be uttered.

(Although there was indeed one other thing that should be mentioned right now).

“There's one other thing I need to talk to you about,” she said again after an agonizing silence.

Yoongi lifted his head again to catch her eyes just slightly and saw sadness reflected upon them. He sighed before turning his gaze back towards the ground. It was better this way.

“About this relationship,” she said softly. “I don't think we should continue this.”

He wasn't even surprised. He knew this was coming and the most part of him was actually glad that she decided to mention it first. The pain would be easier to handle for her . The last thing he could offer her was the opportunity to dump him first.

“Yeah, you're right,” he spoke back.

Even at the end of the relationship, Yujin couldn't make his heart beat any faster, bringing him that sky he loved the most in front of his eyes.

But then, Yujin took a step forward towards him before placing her hand on his shoulder. “But despite everything, you're still my friend, okay Yoongi? I still love you and I care about you.”

Love him? She had never said those words before and hearing it didn't make him feel anything. His heart beat the same way it did and his brain just told him how much undeserving he was to receive it. Even from the very beginning until its short ending, Yoongi had never really harbored anything more for the girl, which was something that was entirely cruel.

“I just hope that one day we could have a relationship where your feeling for me is genuine.”

At this point Yoongi didn't even care anymore whether she knew about his problem with Jimin or not. He had ed up multiple of times and he didn't even know whether this one was him ing up or doing the right thing. He just simply nodded and let her hug him for the last time. And as he wrapped his hand around his waist he could only whisper a small “I'm sorry”.

Even as she hummed a yeah, Yoongi still knew that he didn't deserve to be forgiven.