Chapter Text

The others were in the middle of charade, Hoseok being unsurprisingly really good at expressing certain stuff with certain body language and silly gesture, until all of them heard the scream. It was hard not to realize it, that single sound that pierced through the night. What bothered them the most was how painful the voice was , chilling them to the bone. It took them quite a while in the middle of the silence that Yoongi and Namjoon were missing. It took them even longer to realize that it was Yoongi's voice. As they ran towards the commotion that Yoongi just made, the others were greeted with the sight of the elder, pinning Namjoon to the ground.

Yoongi slowly got up, having his eyes not on Namjoon nor his friends that were looking at the two of them, being puzzled. At that moment Yoongi couldn't care whether the others just listened to what he had said. He couldn't even care what they would think of him, this time he was the one who treated Jungkook as being invisible. Not only Jungkook. Every single one of them was invisible, not holding any value whatsoever to him.

Because there was no right or wrong or Namjoon said , just Jimin, him and the sky.

He didn't need to say anything else. Just like always his legs already knew where he needed to go.

So Yoongi started running . He dismissed the shouts and protest of his friends and ran as fast as he could, just like that day under the summer sky. He ran until his knees started wobbling and his breath choking. After all, t hat was the only thing that Min Yoongi kept on doing this whole time;running. All this time he'd been running away and only this once, he hoped he was finally running to the right direction .

As he neared the Auraji Bridge, he could see the people gathering already, face painted with smiles, ready to set up the firework and counted the last remaining seconds of the year. Yet as people was eager to greet the new beginning, Yoongi was still desperately clinging to that hope of fixing what he had done wrong in this year, fearing that the chance would slip pass through him once the clock strike twelve.

It was right when he reached the Auraji Bridge when he heard the first countdown, the ten echoing clear across the night sky. And during the same ten did he remember about the horrible words that he had uttered to Jimin, the scene that was witnessed by nothing but the snowy sky. When the nine was spoken it was the kiss that he remembered, the hungry touches that they exchanged, the fear that he felt creeping under his skin, but also the pleasure that was exploding in his chest, each beat making him hungry for more.

Eight reminded him of the night they spent stargazing on the school field, even as much as a joke it had become, but that day he promised that they would last forever, that spring would come and they would still be there side by side, laughing towards the stars. It was the foul smell of the toilet or the suffocating, dusty storeroom on seven, which told him that detention could also mean happiness and fun, something that he wouldn't even imagine. He was halfway through the bridge when it was Jimin's face that flashed in his mind on six, wet from the pouring rain, but still he wouldn't break his promise, keeping the tears from falling like the rain did . Six was a love confession that changed everything and how much a promise meant to Park Jimin.

Five was Gangneung, the five moon on Gyeongpodae and the day of pure bliss that they spent together as a group, with a promise of five years that he didn't know he could even keep by now. Four was the walk to the Auraji Train Rail, when oblivious was all that he could be and the contrasting blue and green upon the warm breeze was simply another word for being ecstatic.

Lighters were lit and fireworks were aimed at the sky and Yoongi tried the impossible to run even faster on three, when they made their promise in the classroom, that Yoongi would hurt him so badly Jimin would stop crying. Jimin broke his promise already but Yoongi sure kept hold of his words, because he did hurt him so much even tears stopped pouring out of his eyes. Two was running away from home after a fight, climbing down a tree and a bleeding feet, before it somehow turned into a bicycle ride and a broken leg. But two was the start of it all, the sadness that blend together beautifully with happiness, pain and pleasure stitched together just like the scarlet did with the day and night at that fleeting sunset.

It were children pressing their lips against the trumpets on one, it was lighters being lit and hands circling tighter. But one was him scolding the boy, telling the pathetic Park Jimin that the sky was far more interesting to see than his own two feet, that Yeoryang-myeon was happiness and Seoul was a token of sadness long forgotten.

And the sky exploded once again.

It was the sky exploding on a happy new year, trumpets being blown and fireworks shooting towards the sky. It was lovers circling their hands tighter before sharing a kiss. It was stars shooting up towards the sky. It was the only day where people's head were drawn towards heaven, finding their man-made stars made love with the night sky.

And when all heads were lifted towards the sky, Yoongi's was the o nly one that stayed rooted on the ground.

Because it was a boy, sitting alone in the classroom on a 'happy new year', a boy that stayed there on his seat even when lesson was over to cry at the end of the countdown. It was that weird new student who always had his eyes on the ground and a depressing aura around him, one that stood right behind him. And on a 'happy new year', it was red stinging eyes greeting him as he stepped inside of that classroom for the first time to retrieve his notebook on a rainy day.

The sky was exploding all above him, vibrant color probably being a contrast upon the night sky, human mocking god for being able to paint an equally beautiful painting upon the black canvass. But Yoongi just kept on running, ignoring both the pain on his knees as and the fireworks behind him, pushing himself harder, climbing the steep hill towards Songcheon-gil and thought about the only sky that mattered.

He was huffing and puffing when he was nearing Jimin's house. He had to be home. He had to be. Just like last time he was running all the way here with a fear, one that this time was going to be a reality.

Just like last time he was going to frantically knock on the door and the old Park would open it, no matter how late it was right now. She would open the door and told him that Jimin was preoccupied in the moment, which meant that the boy was indeed still there, sitting by the chair or probably locking himself up in his room, not wanting to be seen. A t least he was certain that he would be there, that the door would open and-.

“Yoongi, what are you doing here?” the old Park said, surprised with his sudden arrival.

Yoongi tried to open his mouth, tried to call out for Jimin's name but what came out was his own heaving breath. He bent down, hands on his knees before standing upright again, cursing himself to croak the word out of his mouth.

“J-Jimin, w-where's-.”

For a moment it seemed like the explosion outside had died, the world suddenly turning mute, or Yoongi was simply deaf right now. Jimin was supposed to be gone after new year. It could be tomorrow, or at least it should be. He was only a few minutes late. A few minutes passed midnight. He should still be at home.

He halfheartedly hoped for her to suddenly smile like always, to tell him that 'Yes, Jimin is inside and waiting for him'. Or probably he had to force his way inside just like last time, to make sure that she wasn't lying to him.

But that smile he waited never come, the old Park looking at him with a simple gaze that made his heart fell from his chest. She didn't utter a yes or no, didn't even really answer his question. What she gave him was an apology instead, one that baffled and scared him.

“I'm sorry, Yoongi.”

“W-what do you mean?” he said.

“I'm so sorry,” she whispered again.

'Sorry' wasn't an answer. What did sorry even mean? Why did she apologize to him?

“Jimin just left.”

Yoongi couldn't process the words because he simply didn't believe it to be true. Last time he was so afraid that the boy would leave. This time he realized that fact too late, but like last time, shouldn't he get another chance? He had ed up multiple of time, so why couldn't he get a chance for this one as well?

“I'm sorry, Yoongi.”

Seemed like he was taking those chances for granted. He had run out of second chances. This time he had destroyed Jimin completely he didn't even deserve to see the boy again. This was fate speaking to him in a stern voice, the befalling judgment that heaven gave him.

“B-but I haven't s-said-.”

-goodbye? I'm sorry? Forgive me?

Did he even deserve to say those words now? After all that they had been through and Yoongi had to say that Jimin was disgusting. He had to break Jimin apart once again, breaking his own promise to the boy.

Not only to the boy. He had broken his promise to the Old Park as well. His promise that he would take care of Jimin, that he would make him happy just like what he had unknowingly done before . Instead, he had purposely hurt the boy so bad, what he was doing was completely the opposite of everything.

“What's wrong, Yoongi?” the old Park asked, her voice calm and soothing like it always was.

Why did she apologize to him? Didn't she know what he had done to her grandson? Didn't she know the terrible things that he did?

“I-i did something terrible to Jimin,”

And he looked back at her eyes and it hurt him even more to find nothing but kindness, just like the day the three of them sat around the table for dinner with exchanged stories about the memory of their wonderful little town. She looked at him as if nothing had changed.

“I-i hurt Jimin so badly, I-i break my p-promise to you a-and I-.”

“It's okay,” she cut him before he could finish his sentence.

It shouldn't be okay. Shouldn't she be mad right now, telling him what he did was wrong? Shouldn't she yell at him just like his father or Namjoon did? Shouldn't she at least show any sign of disdain towards him because that was what he deserved for ing everything up. That was what Min Yoongi always deserved, a scream or poisonous words being spewed at him, until physical contact kicked him back into reality, being the only language that he understood.

“No. It shouldn't be okay. I broke Jimin's heart. I told him that he was disgusting. I drove him away.”

He didn't deserve this kindness as much as Yujin's.

“It's okay.”

“No, don't you understand? It shouldn't be okay! What I did-, after all that he had been through, after everything-, and yet I-.”

He knew that his words would hurt Jimin but he still did it anyway. He didn't even have the right to be forgiven and here he was, running frantically to the boy's home. What did he hope to achieve? To look back at Jimin's eyes and said that he was sorry?

Or to look back at him to say that he-,

“I love him.”

And suddenly it was raining. Suddenly the sky opened up and it started to rain. It started as a single drop of tear from heaven, hitting the ground hard. Just like any rain, it started slow and light before it became unbearable anymore, the clouds letting all those burden off of its shoulder.

Just like that summer day, Yoongi found himself standing in the middle of a pouring rain, even when the sky was clear as day and the ground dry .

“It's okay,” the old Park whispered once again as Yoongi's knees met the ground.

Why did she keep on saying that? Why couldn't she be mad at him? Things would be easier then, perhaps, because Min Yoongi didn't deserve pity or care. After what he had done he didn't deserve to ask for forgiveness. He didn't deserve to see Jimin.

Most important of all he didn't even deserve to say that he loved the boy.

He had destroyed Jimin and he didn't deserve to say that he loved him. Love wasn't tearing him apart. Love wasn't telling him that he was disgusting. Even when Jimin did love him once, it didn't mean he was deserving of the same feeling right now.

“I l-ove him a-and all I d-did was b-break him.”

His shoulder was shaking so hard. The words that were escaping his lips were incomprehensible in between the sobs that he was making. The skyopened up and let everything go, it was raining so hard, Yoongi was lost in the middle of it.

“I luh-love him. I love J-jimin and I-I'm s-sorry. I-I'm s-so sorry.”

He was about to fall on the ground but the old Park's hands stopped him from doing so, they were wrapping themselves around him tightly.

Yoongi forgot when was the last time he ever cried, but he knew he hadn't cried this hard since he was a little kid. He felt like one this time, crying so hard, Jimin's name and the word sorry being repeated over and over again. It was as the last 'it's okay' being whispered and a hand that rubbed him from behind in a soothing manner that Yoongi completely broke apart, the words that left his lips turned into a painful scream.

He was too late. This time the universe said that he had overstayed his welcome, had ed up too much. Jungkook was disgusted with him, his other friends had heard his confession and they would pretty much follow Jungkook's lead. His family had thrown him away and he didn't have any clue whatsoever to make his dream of Seoul a reality. He had lost the only girl that cared about him and treated her like a disposable tool, toying with her genuine and honest feeling. Most of all he had lost his best friend, someone who loved him and whom he realized he loved as well.

He was simply too late to realize his own feelings, just like always.

Because Min Yoongi didn't do feelings or so he said.

It was indeed a fitting end.

+.-.+

The first light of new year was warm and cheerful. The sky was blue for the first time in winter after a slight drizzle that poured the town in the early break of dawn. Far across the horizon the sun made its entrance, greeting them with the first day of a new year, where most eyes would be awaken with a smile.

The teenage couple who loved one another sincerely for months and years to come would wake up after their first time sharing each other warmth , smiling towards each other upon the messy bed and thrown-up clothing lying on the floor, greeting the new day with a soft morning kiss. Two best friends who kept on making a fool out of themselves during the night would wake up with a hangover, still having the audacity to laugh at one another as they poured the inside of their stomach into the nearest toilet seat, even though one of them was having his mind on his other best friend at the same time . The young boy would be thinking about a first kiss that he had received from a certain beautiful girl underneath the fireworks last night and how the memory still made those butterflies in his stomach flapped their wings even harder. The honest, kindhearted girl would stand in front of her desk, throwing away a certain photo of her and a boy that she used to love into the trash can, realizing that everything was over between the two of them. The boy who had his mind set on his future would be sitting by the edge of his bed, worrying about his best friend who had been missing for the entire night, wondering whether what he had done was the right thing or not.

Meanwhile, t he boy who kept on having his heart broken would wake up in his old bedroom after months , looking out of his window and realized th at he hated the sky more than anything.

Yet the boy who had always loved the sky found himself sitting on his seat in the classroom he had been spending almost a year in with the boy whose heart he had broken.

Yoongi had cried in front of Jimin's grandmother last night as he realized that Jimin was gone. He had left Jimin's house after his scream had reduced to a faint sob and his vocal chord felt like burning. What he did after that was a blur, because as always it was his feet that led him to places his brain didn't even register . He didn't know how long he had walked and how many times had passed since then, but he oddly found himself in front of his school building instead. The sky was red and the birds were already chirping as he entered his old classroom, the lack of illumination didn't really give him much fright. After all, there was no cries to be mistaken as a ghostly figure along the hallway.

This time it was only him alone, sitting on his table with red stinging eyes at the first day of new year. Yoongi didn't really understand why he went to his classroom after everything that had happened but he quickly found the answer as he put his hand into his table's drawer, realizing a book that he had forgetfully left there weeks ago.

He remembered searching his bedroom and even Namjoon's, but he hadn't searched for his drawer back at school. Only now did he remember the last possible place in which he could find his notebook.

There were thousands of things that Yoongi wrote in his notebook (still not calling it a diary). He wrote about days, sometimes making a poor sketch of the teacher’s boring face with a fist on his face and lots of facial hair that weren’t supposed to be there (Yoongi’s teacher is a perfectly grown woman who doesn’t develop any facial hair whatsoever). Most of all he wrote lyrics, though he barely showed it to anyone else but Namjoon. Those he wrote in his notebook, he admitted, was pretty embarrassing to be gazed upon by any eyes but himself.

It was because of his notebook as well did he see Jimin for the first time, as he cried in the classroom on a rainy day. His thought ran towards that first day of school term and he flipped the pages open.

He was weird. I walked into him crying alone in the classroom.

He read his words one by one, and he saw it, written boldly at the bottom of each page. And he flipped the next one, and the next one, and down at the very bottom of each pages he would see it written clearly like a sin. Something about a new boy at school. Something about being happy underneath a summer day. Something about a promise. It were their memories together, being recorded from the very first day he ever laid eyes on the boy.

There would always be something about Park Jimin.

The brat, Yoongi called it.

He had spent days being confused when the answer was right there all along.

Yoongi felt like screaming again, felt like grabbing a black marker and furiously scribbled away every last mention of Jimin's name in his notebook. Even if he did exactly that, it wouldn't drive Jimin away. It would only turn him into a black hole that he was right now, a deep gaping scar that made the air that he breathed fe el like a knife lodging itself in his ribcage.

Each day Park Jimin left a mark in his journal, creeping his way into the most private part of Yoongi’s life, being a name that ended his night, a name that he just had to mention. Each page reminded Yoongi of the memories that turned into guilt, clawing at his chest with such agony, breathing seemed to be a luxury he couldn’t quiet grasp upon. And each page got him frantically flipping through it, realizing how Park Jimin had always managed to be a part of something in his life.

His fingers were already shaking and he felt that pain in his chest, stopping himself from breathing when he got to the last page, to the last entry that he wrote about Jimin. He was reminded about the promise he had broken, about the words that left his mouth. He was the one being disgusting right now, for all that he had done to Jimin.

I t didn't stop only there, because Yoongi realized a crooked page and a stain of tears that wasn't coming from him upon the paper. It had dried up indeed, but it had left the paper wrinkled and noticeable enough for him to flip through the next page with heart beating like mad.

It was a pathetic smile that bloomed on his face afterward. Laughing was a coping mechanism, he remembered someone saying those words to him, and that was exactly what he thought about doing. He thought it would be laughter that escaped his lips as he opened his mouth, just like what those cliché characters those in a movie. Instead, it was a sob, soft and pitiful, before his shoulder started to tremble. The tears rolled down his eyes before Yoongi could even notice them, raining upon the paper and those scribbled words, meeting the ones that had stained the page first possibly days ago.

Yoongi had indeed searched for his notebook and completely forgot that he had left it where he always did. He was always afraid that someone like Namjoon would peek into it, would look at the most private part of himself that he tried to hide. It wasn't even surprising now to find that someone finally did, scrawling their own words upon something that would be the perfect resemblance of his heart with permanent ink. That, or even carving those words deep into his skin.

Because he knew to whom those foreign letters belong. He could picture it perfectly in his head, Jimin sitting on his desk, reading his notebook and leaving something of his own in them. He could curse him and called him name, yet what he wrote made Yoongi realized how disgusting he actually really was, how undeserving he was of anyone's love.

As the tears fell harder and the sobs escaping his lips turned into a painful scream, Yoongi remembered how everything ended the way it had started. Inside of a classroom with a boy, sitting on his seat with red stinging eyes.

I'm sorry