Confessing

I’ve never became an employed man all my career, period.

Yes, since I graduated from Korean Literacy major from Sungkyungkwan University 11 years ago, I’ve never applied to become employed in any private company nor government institution. Instead, I’ve chosen this job, a writer, as my future and life.

At first, my father and mother nagged me about my choice, saying that my choice isn’t a popular one. It doesn’t bring any stable income and there is no career path in it. You’ll stay as a writer forever, there is no promotion nor demotion. Just writer.

But I wasn’t scared to unstable income and a stuck position as a writer. It didn’t scare me at all because I chose this job because I love freedom that comes along with the job.

You can’t lie to me and say you’ll prefer a stable income and career path than a freedom. Oh, come on! You don’t have to wake up early, get dressed up in neat suits or crisp shirt and perfectly ironed trousers, and rushed to the office in peak hour (which is ), only to get your stuck in cubicle doing the same boring s every day. If you do something wrong, you’ll get scolded immediately by your boss (or sometime bosses) and you can’t go home before your seniors and boss go home too.

It’ll be really if I have to repeat that routines for every weekdays of my youth, so never once I thought about being employed. I’d prefer working when I feel like it, smoking when I want to, eating when I’m hungry (without any time limit, nonetheless), sleeping and waking up when I want to, working in my pajama or t-shirt and shorts, and going out without time limits.

But the most important thing is: I don’t have to blend with millions of people in the traffic or packed train in rush hour only to get into the office. I always think it is the most troublesome aspect of being employed to a formal institution.

It was until one day, I realized something important and that changed my perspective of being an ordinary employee.

In the middle of Seoul traffic, if I have to tell you.

8 years ago, I had a schedule to meet my editor, Yoo Inha, in a popular café in Itaewon. The meeting scheduled to start at 2 and end at 4, but since it has been a long time since the last time I met her, the conversation kept going until the clock showed 6 p.m.

6 o’clock, everybody. The peak of peak hours.

With deep sigh, I went out from the café and headed home with deep sigh. I don’t enjoy traffic (who would, anyway), so getting stuck in traffic is a nightmare for me. With difficulties, I finally got a taxi and headed straight back home.

I thought getting stuck in traffic would be so bad, but actually… it wasn’t too bad. I did enjoy some part of it, honestly.

As I sat on the backseat alone, I suddenly felt a sense of peace develop in my mind and heart. With the sound of scratching tire on the ground, repeated honks, and vague sound of footsteps on the concrete ground as back sound of my mind, it finally found its peace.

As it found its peace, my mind began to wonder to many places, such as the nearby convenient store, the packed bus stop, the street artist who entertain Seoul’s passerby, the long queue for a famous ramen restaurant, couples who walk hand in hand, students who rushed to their after school academy, and people who walked in hurry and trying to make everything on their list—they were trying to make their ends meet.

Yeah.

Those people who were trying to make their ends meet were practically the same as me. They were trying to make their ends meet financially speaking, but I… I was trying to make my heart ends meet.

I may sound so arrogant right now, but since my second novel become a best-seller book in Korea, it was easy to make my financial ends meet. But my heart… the ends haven’t met each other since years ago.

But with the angel help, Kim Taeyeon, I finally could let my heart’s ends meet.

“Morning,” Taeyeon greeted me from the stairs as I got up from the sofa. She had her t-shirt and shorts on; her hair was still messy; her face was bare. It was a definition of natural and honest look.

“Morning, Tae.” I stood up and headed to the small kitchen next to the living room. I immediately took a pot and boil some water. We both needed our daily dose of coffee.

Taeyeon made her way to the kitchen stool and sat there. She yawned. “Had a good sleep?”

“Nope, to be honest.” She admitted. I smiled bitterly at her honest words, because I didn’t sleep well too. “I was contemplating a lot last night.”

I didn’t respond her words, instead I took mugs from the cabinet, pour some coffee and sugar, then pour the boiled water on it. I stirred the coffee and took the mugs with me to the kitchen counter.

As I put one mug in front of her, Taeyeon mumbled a small thanks and sipped her morning coffee. It was a late morning, as the clock had showed 11, but I still thought this as our morning coffee. 

Moment passed in silence, as the only sound heard was the sipping sound from our lips. None of us made any big movement either. It was peaceful at its finest.

But I knew I have to break the silence to make my heart’s ends meet. I need an angel’s help. “I’m sorry if my pitiful story bug your mind,” I finally said as I put my mug on the kitchen counter. I slowly turned my gaze to her. She did the same too. “I don’t you to be burdened by my life, to be honest—you’re too kind for that.”

Taeyeon shook her head in disapproval. She must have had some protest behind her witty mouth of hers. “I’m happy for doing so, Jiyong.”

I smiled at her sincere words, really grateful for her intention and actions. I even began to feel bad for her, because I depended a lot to her—someone I just met a week ago!

“But Tae,” I was hesitant for a bit. This question was really hard to ask. “Can I ask you one more favor?”

Taeyeon nodded excitingly. God, I promise this would be my last request to her. She was kind enough for hearing all my problem without protests and lending me her shoulder for me to lean and take off my mask for a while. I wasn’t sure I could repay her kindness back.

She had her eyes on me, while I had my eyes looked on my thighs. There, I could see one of my latest tattoos peeking from my shorts. It said, INHALE and EXHALE. So I did it and asked that question.

“Can you go with me to meet her?”

There, I said it in one breath while looking at her eyes. She didn’t look surprised at my wish—after all, I just told her my whole pitiful story with Yoona and Seunghyun last night—and nodded immediately.

“I remember you said that I’m your angel,” Taeyeon said with a motherly smile. “Then this time, let me lend my wings for you and your heart. So it can find its peace and meet its ends.”

At her words, I was startled at its best. How could she think the same about peace and my heart meet its ends? Did our minds connected by some sort of emotions or attachment?

Quickly, I hide my shock and showed the most grateful and thankful smile I could put in my entire life. This meeting could be the turning point of my whole life, anyway.

“Thank you, Taeyeon.”

Since I made my first step in Ngurah Rai International Airport a few weeks back, there was an area I never intend to go until my heart is ready.

And that area is Ubud, Bali.

Located in the center of Bali Island, Ubud is famous for its culture, its art—both still and performing, its unique rice terrace, its gallery, and the relaxing and soothing atmosphere.

Ubud is a perfect place for running away from reality.

It is a perfect place to calm and sort your messed up mind.

It is also a perfect place to know yourself better.

Knowing this, I—as a writer who lost his muse and currently has a messed up mind and heart—should have gone here, right?

But I couldn’t.

Because she realized it first, and went here ahead of me.

And my heart wasn’t ready yet to meet her.

Until… an angel stepped up and decided to help.

“Jiyong, are we there yet?”

I looked around from my driver seat as I was driving. Sure, I had directions from the internet printed and even had GPS directing us in our car. But I guessed the nervousness was taking control of my mind.

I couldn’t concentrate at all.

“I…” I couldn’t even talk properly. My messed up mind really took over my body.

“You’re too nervous.” Taeyeon guessed as if she could read me like an open book—well, she does anyway. She tapped my shoulder lightly and gave it a firm grip. “Can you drive?”

With her hand on my shoulder, I drove toward the wayside and turned the car into neutral gear. I was definitely panicking and not in the best state to drive—nor to meet her!

“Are you sure you want to meet her?” She asked me worriedly. She shouldn’t have worried too much because this isn’t her problem to begin with, but with everything we’ve been through—and my whole pitiful confession and story about my past, I guessed she couldn’t help but worrying over me. “You don’t seem ready.”

I looked straight to the road of Ubud—which full of greenery, food offerings, traditional ornaments and statue—and inhaled a long, deep breath with all my might. I regained my focus as I exhaled the oxygen from my lungs.

I need to do this.

There was no stepping back.

I’ve burned the bridge to my past, remember?

“Yeah, I’m ready Tae.” I said—more to myself actually. I grabbed her hand on my shoulder and gripped it firmly. Then I had my head turned to hers and our eyes met. “I already have your wings on my back, remember?”

Taeyeon didn’t buy my lame joke about wings, but my strong gaze for seconds finally made her convinced about my determination. “Fine, but let me drive. You’re in no state to drive.”

I agreed to her command and exchanged our seats. Just a second after she made herself comfortable behind the steering wheel, she immediately read the printed directions and drove. While I…

My eyes looked straight to the front—garnering my thoughts, courage, and shattered pieces of my heart into one tactful piece.

I have to be the almighty Kwon Jiyong that Im Yoona knows all these years. Because she needed me to do so—I have to be the ‘protector’ of my ‘muse’. If I don’t protect her, who knows what would happen to her?

I didn’t realize how much time had passed until Taeyeon interrupt my wandering thoughts by her announcement.

My life changing announcement.

“Jiyong, we’re here.”

As I stepped down from Taeyeon’s rented car, I immediately took a good look of my surrounding, and I was immediately amazed at my surrounding and the villa in front of me.

Well… who wouldn’t love to live a very comfortable looking villa, consisted of 2 floors with big windows glasses attached and high ceiling made from wood? Especially with the addition of overlay rice field and nature at its best as your surroundings.

But our amazement to the villa and the nature that surrounds it were interrupted by a woman’s voice.

Not Yoona’s, anyway.

“Good afternoon,” she said in British accent English. She is a 40’s something woman who wore a loose dress that will remind you instantly to Julia Roberts in ‘Eat Pray Love’ movie. Even same aura—the calming and soothing one—emitted from her too. “Can I help you?”

“Good afternoon,” I greeted back in English too. “I’m a friend of Yoona and I’m here to meet her. Do you perhaps know her?”

“I do,” she answered carefully. It was obvious that she was trying to protect Yoona from unwanted visitor. “I’m sorry but I think I’ve seen you somewhere. Have you been here before?”

I nodded weakly and smiled as convincing as I could. “I was the one who brought her here, but stayed in the car as my other friend took care of the administration. Does it ring a bell?”

She let out a long ‘ooh’ and nodded excitingly. “Yes yes, come in!” she motioned us to go inside as she headed to the big villa. “Yoona’s friends are our friends too. Come in!”

I followed her into the villa, with Taeyeon following behind. As we enter into the villa, we became more amazed by how comfortable the villa was.

“I’m Natalie and you can call me Nat, by the way,” she introduced herself as she let us sat on lazy bag floor couches. The couches were arranged neatly in the center of the living room—with big windows facing the amazing view of green backyard and rice field nonetheless! “I’m sorry but I can’t remember your name. What’s your name, gentleman?”

“My name is Jiyong,” I introduced myself and extended my hand for her to shake. She shook it gently with her motherly smile which never lost in sight. “Here is my friend, Taeyeon.”

“Well, hello there Jiyong and Taeyeon,” Nat greeted us with the unchanging motherly smile and cheerfulness. Her cheerfulness reminded me a lot to Taeyeon, by the way. “I’ll call her and you can talk as much as you want, alright?”

I nodded and put the best smile I have as a response before Nat walked upstairs—perhaps where Yoona’s room located. My eyes following Nat’s steps upstairs with so much nervousness.

“Well, I’ll get going then,” Taeyeon suddenly said as she stood up from the floor couches. She spread an encouraging smile and patted my shoulder.

I grabbed her hand immediately, I didn’t know whether I was ready to face her alone or not.

I needed my angel.

“You won’t stay here? I can introduce the both of you and…” my words were cut as I saw Taeyeon shook her head. But she didn’t pull her hand from my hand grip.

“If I’m here, you will feel more burdened,” she said as a matter of fact. “Furthermore, this is a problem you have to solve by talking just the two of you.” Taeyeon put her free hand on top of my grip on her hand and made it off. “Good luck!”

Then Taeyeon went out to only God knows where—I didn’t even care because I was too busy handling my nervousness—and a mi