Her Trace

It has been a little bit more than year since Kim Taeyeon left me in Bali, and there wasn’t a day when I didn’t think about her—whether it’s longing, love, frustration, suffocation, even anger. Each passing day, I always have a single emotion towards Kim Taeyeon.

Is it too much? Nope at all.

That’s the impact of Kim Taeyeon in my life—in such short time, she managed to change my life completely and basically left her trace permanently in my heart.

But I didn’t fall into despair again, no. I’ve left the old Kwon Jiyong—with the broken heart, life-less soul, and messed up mind—in Bali and came back to Korea as a brand new Kwon Jiyong. Not the one you’d have met before Yoona’s accident, nor the one you’d have met during my 3-year of hiatus.

I’ve changed for better, everybody.

The change was also proven by the release of my new book, Muse.

“After 4-year hiatus, the mega best seller novelist, Kwon Jiyong, finally released his new novel! Titled “Muse”, it’s a story about a man who went to a really long journey in order to find his long-lost muse. In his journey, he got help from an angel from his dream and thus, their journey started.” The MC of book launching said excitedly. Well, it wasn’t only him who was excited, many people who attend the book release event were excited too.

In the contrary, I was really nervous.

Muse is my first work without my old muse—the broken heart of Kwon Jiyong.

Muse is... the turning point of my writing career and my life, I suppose.

 “Now, please give the warmest welcome and big applause for the author of ‘Muse’, Kwon Jiyong-ssi!”

I took a deep breath as a weak attempt to calm myself, nervously stood up from my seat and walked to the small stage in front of the audiences. The book launch event wasn’t a big event—it was a small event for 100+ people, but Muse is my first release after 4-year hiatus. Every writer have the right to be nervous, with no exception of me.

“Hello everyone, my name is Kwon Jiyong and I’m the author of Muse.” I greeted politely. “It’s nice to see everyone today, after 4-year hiatus as a writer.” I laughed nervously in front of the audiences. They laughed along with me, fortunately. As The MC clapped after my greeting and the audiences followed along. Then the MC let a few chosen people to ask me questions—most of them asked about the inspiration and the process of writing the novel. It was typical question, so I had no problem to answer the questions.

The following questions though, were harder to answer.

“Hello Jiyong-ssi. My name is Jo Hanbin and I come from Jeju-do.” A young man—he’s probably a university student—with badass aura and appearance greeted me. With that appearance, you wouldn’t be able to guess that he reads romance novel.

“Hello there, Hanbin-ssi.” I greeted him back. He bowed slightly and asked me his question. “Jiyong-ssi, is Muse being based on true story?” He asked me lightly. I honestly was surprised at his question. “I read the snippet which were released online by the publishing company, and I noticed few things are different from your previous works.”

I didn’t cut him—and no one, even my editor and publishing team, cut him either. They must have been really curious, since I haven’t told anyone about the background story of Muse.

“First, the flow of your words change—it becomes smoother and softer; second, the setting is so realistic—you even put the number of the house or the kind of car the character is driving; and lastly, it’s actually an opinion based on my intuition, but it feels like I’m reading a diary. Every words are honest expression of a hurt man.”

I was genuinely shocked at Hanbin’s words. How could he explored and found many changes from the snippet of Muse? The snippet was only a few pages from 400-something pages, but he managed to discover many things.

He definitely has talent for writing... or editing... or both.  

“To answer your question, Hanbin-ssi…” I took a deep breath. By saying this, I might tell the world about her existence, and I didn’t want to expose her just yet. “Yes, it’s based on true story—my own experience to be exact—with several differences to protect the identity of people I based my characters on.”

Everyone gasped at the revelation, with my editor for years, Yoo Inha-noona, being the loudest. She is my editor since I began my career as writer, up until today. She knew the evolution of my writing, even a small part of my sad love life.

Hanbin didn’t get affected by the loud gasp, neither did I. “Then, what is your muse right now? Is it the angel you mention in the novel?”

To this question, I immediately contemplated for a moment. Everyone’s anticipation—especially Inha-noona and my publishing team, who have known the whole story of Muse—was getting higher than ever. “I’ll choose to not answer that question.” I said firmly.

“Why Jiyong-ssi?” Hanbin calmly asked. The other attendants couldn’t did the same as Hanbin though. Curiosity was clearly evident in their faces. 

“Because I want her to be the first person to know about that.”

No matter how much (at times) I hate my editors—especially when the deadline was getting closer nearing and I had nothing on my hand—I must admit that they’re cool and smart people to hang out with. They came from various background with different mindset, with one similar factor to one another—which is their undying love for literature.

I have a group that consist of a few writer and editors—who all came from different background. We met 10 years ago, when we were all working under the same publishing company. Some people moved from the company, some of them stays (including me and Inha-noona), but our group never break apart. We met once every 2-3 months to exchange stories and current whereabouts.

The members are me—the romance writer, Baek Yeonah—the mystery writer, Kang Chanoh—the action writer, Yoo Inha—the romance editor slash my own editor, Han Wooyoung—the suspense editor, Jin Goosoo—the fantasy editor, Ji Chihun—the comedy editor, and Ha Jaae—the travel editor. Every time we got together, we often lost track of time over a lot of somaek (soju-and-somaek), samgyupsal or chicken, and good conversation.

Today was the first time I joined them for gathering, after missing for 2 years. The members were all present with wide smile and relieved face.

“AIGOO KWON JIYONG! You’re alive after all!”

“Where did you go the past 2 years, punk?”

“Jiyong, I’ve read ‘Muse’! How did you come up with the story?”  

“Omooo this dongsaeng of mine really got me worried for the past 2 years!”

“You finally woke up from your deep slumber, huh? Which princess had kissed you to wake you up?”

Those were the greetings from the other writers and editors when I showed up at our usual meet up place. I was the last one to arrive, so they’ve started their conversation—which focused on my where about for the past 2 years. Inha-noona volunteered to become the interviewee.

“Yah yah! One by one please!” I said in humorous manner, as if I was being interviewed by hungry journalists. “I’ll answer your question one by one. Do not worry, dear beloved journalists.”

They laughed at my joke and put the questions aside. We began ordering many servings of samgyupsal and bottles of soju and beer. As we devoured the foods, we chatted and joked over small matters—like the mismatch color of Chanoh-hyung outfit, Wooyoung’s recent weight loss, and many other small things. There wasn’t a second spend in silence, all of us talked continuously.

Nearly an hour passed—all of us have finished our meal and have started drinking. “Where did you go the past 2 years, Jiyong-hyung?” the maknae in the group, Chihun, asked me first. “I was told by Inha-noona that you travel around Asia.”

“I went to Busan, Fukuoka, Okinawa, Taipei, Macau, Hanoi, Bangkok, Phuket, Penang, Malacca, Jogjakarta, and Bali, Chihun-goon.” I smiled as I answered his question. “All of you should go to those cities, especially Phuket and Bali. The beaches are wonderful.”

“I know, I know. Not a brag word about your travel, Jiyong!” Inha-noona said. As an editor, she had hectic schedule—more than the writers. “I’ve been dying to take a break, but the company doesn’t let me to take vacation for more than 3 days!”

We—the writers—laughed at her complaint, while the editors nodded along with Inha-noona. Most of them handled a few writers, while all of the writers in the table only write one work per time.

“Then, how was the trip, Jiyong?” this time, Jaae-noona asked me. She’s one of the closest women to me in the group—along with Inha-noona. “By your looks and your attitude, you’re not the travel type. It must be hard for you to take a long trip and survive alone.”

I nodded in honesty. “The trip was obviously hard at first, noona. Especially when I stepped my foot on Fukuoka for the first time—because I don’t speak Japanese at all and have zero knowledge about Fukuoka. But look at me now,” I flashed the most confident smile I could put on. “I’m a certified traveler just like you.”

“Aigoo, you brat,” Goosoo-hyung, the oldest one in the group, hit my head jokingly and we laughed together. Ah... how I miss this warm atmosphere of good laugh, good food, and good companies. “Can this big head of yours turn bigger than now?”

We laughed again at his remarks. Goosoo-hyung is a very sarcastic man indeed, but he has no bad intention to insult us. His sarcastic remarks always meant as a joke.

“Then Jiyong, did you meet a nice woman in your trip?” Wooyoung asked curiously. “I heard from Inha-noona that your recent work—Muse—is based on your experience. Has Jiyong finally found his soon-to-be-wife?”

The table’s occupants suddenly hooted me. Curious questions followed Wooyoung’s, all of them asking the same topic. “Who is your angel Jiyong? Introduce her to us!” “Where is she right now?” “Is she pretty? Rich? Chaebol? Wanderer? What does she do for a living?”

I put a small smile on my face. Just before I went here, I had thought to tell them about Taeyeon and a glimpse of our story. Overall, they are the closest people to me and they deserve to know about my love life—just like I know about Goosoo-hyung’s happy marriage, Inha-noona’s divorce, Jaae-noona’s alcoholic husband, etc.

“Yes, Muse is based on my own experience,” I started. “And the model for ‘angel’ on the story is indeed a really dear woman to me.”

The men—Chanoh-hyung, Wooyoung, Gooso-hyung, and Chihun—hooted loudly at my simple confession. The women smiled genuinely—the smile you put when you see your younger brother has matured. “Who is she, Jiyong-ah?” Yeonah-noona asked. The others waited for my answer excitedly.

Since we’ve been together for 10 years, so they’ve known my scandalous past, even a little bit of my sad love life with Yoona and Seunghyun-hyung.

Now, when Kwon Jiyong said that he had found the love of his life, which one of them wouldn’t be happy at the news?

“Kim Taeyeon,” I said her name confidently. They’re the second group who would know about Taeyeon, the first was my family. “Her name is Kim Taeyeon and she is a travel writer