I looked straight in her eyes, pleading for her to be okay with what I said. But she was not looking at me. She was looking somewhere else, like in a deep thought of her past.

  I wouldn't blame her for that. She had a lot of obstacles in her life. So much that she's beginning to have trust issues and that she can't accept people's love by thinking they will only harm her. 

  She is so precious that I wanted to kill her parents for doing such unwanted things to her. But I can't. Of course, I can't. If I did kill them, I would be sent to jail and I can't let that happen. She needs me and I need her, I can't let her feel alone again. I'm the only one she ever trusted of all the people in the house. 

  It was also cruel and insensitive of me to just quit my job (and stop visiting her) when there was she, pleading to be with me. And now, she wouldn't look at me because of what I've done to her. I had made her feel alone and hurt, for the very first time. 

  Ever since I met her, I was always cautious of my actions and my words then now, I have hurted her so much. 

  "Mianhae. I'm really sorry, Chloe. I bought you a butterfly knife, do you know that? You kept telling me to buy that for you and now that I finally do, aren't you excited to touch it?" I did my best to have her trust me again, talking and talking to her, but she didn't bulge. Not even twitching her eyebrows in that cute way when she heard something about the butterfly knife.

  "No. I don't really want anything from anyone. Just leave me alone and have me hurting just like how you did these weeks." she said, facing and looking at me right in the eye, tears falling.

  She was trying to hurt me and tease me. She was making me feel her sadness and at the same time make me feel bad about not being able to cry. 

  I didn't expect her to do this. This pained me in all possible ways. Of course, everyone is capable of crying. People cry when they're happy or when they're in much pain. Pain is physically felt because of the neurons. And because I have this disease called CIPA, I'm lucky enough (ehem) for not sweating and not feeling pain. Thus, also being not capable of crying. 

  Some people would really think I'm lucky because those things are the most irritable sensations that you can feel but no, they're wrong. I don't know the feeling of pain, sweating, crying, and noticing which is hot or which so I can't defend that part but since I can't, I can defend my part. 

  Just to simplify it (without mentioning the neurons), pain is what makes us know when there is something wrong. It's a signal transmitted by the neurons (supposed to be unmentioned but. okay) for us to feel pain. 

        I'll give an example. 

  This happened to me just as I was about to finally try doing a photoshoot(which I did, it was out already), I was already on my make up, beautiful red dress, hair, and of course the high heels (which I never wore because of safety precautions on my disease but since it's a photoshoot, yeah.) and some accesssories when I was trying to walk with high heels just to make myself adjust to it even though I had a lot of it at home. I don't feel pain. So I don't have any idea that there's something wrong with my ankle already. So being oblivious to it, I continued to walk with force until it was time for the photoshoot to start.

  The photoshoot went pretty well and it was after the last picture had been taken and they called it a day when someone so my ankles bleeding and that it was inches away from being displaced(said the doctor in the hospital we went to after). If I had.. felt the pain, I would have prevent that from happening, but since I can't I'm mostly having problems with those. But I'm thankful enough to reach this age. If I'll die right here, right now, I'll be thankful for it. 

  I looked away from her and composed myself, trying to figure out what I should do.

  "What would you feel if you're life is full of so many bad lucks and negative happenings then the only person who you can trust, ran away from everyone, including you and forgot to mind about your feelings, just after the day of her supposedly-happy wedding?" she chuckles. "Yeah. Yeah. I understand. I should look at the bright mushroom side and always look for the positive reason. And that you needed space after your marriage--supposed one, specifically. But can't you see? My life is such a waste and when you left for days, each day was a torment for me. Each moment of each day,all I was thinking of was you. I was outside waiting for you to come, but you know what happened? You never did. I can't help but just feed my mind with filthy things. I'm self-pitying." she cries some more, only showing that she's in much pain. She stares hard into me, passing me hatred glares through her beautiful crystal blue eyes but is only filled with hatred.

  She breathes,"Why? Why, huh? Why for several weeks? Why in all those weeks, there wasn't even a day you tried to message me, or call me, or even just pass by here to check on me like you did before? There weren't days like that before! Why? Because you were too careful on me, like if you just said something a little over the boundary, I would break in front of you. But, I NEVER did. I never got mad at you, nor got hurted by you. What had caused this teriible happening, then?" she sighed some more, taking the butterfly knife from my hand with her as she makes me face her back. "I think I've let my feelings out, so I gotta go. Figure how you're going to make me trust you again. Figure it. Bye."

  Figure it. Okay. I think I know what to do already. With all the little details, I think I've got her message. Yeah, she's weird and considering I am too, I got it.

  So, I ran up to her with a grin on my face, passing my sketch pad to her, secretly and simply running my hand through her blonde hair.

**

       (Express 999 by SNSD is now playing, just imagine though. And besides it seems like a carefree song and I also dunno the meaning of it, let's let it be. :D)

  I was floating above water. I feel so free and part of the water beneath me. I started swimming and swimming until I got tired but didn't really tried to stop. I was fine with this already, swimming and feeling the enormity of the water like its within you.

  Like you're part of the water and the water is part of you, both of you moving as one. Besides, it's too peaceful in here to just stop and go somewhere else, which is rather boring and plain.

  In here, I'm exercising and I'm enjoying. Relaxing. Carefree. 

  And so, I kept swimming until I got a fever. The fever was caused by the stress, the doctor said. I needed to rest, as he said, and I will. I felt so heavy all of a sudden. (I still can feel pressure but not pain.)

  Good night, Taeyeon.